- Jeremy Grey: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
- John Beckwith: Soft mattress?
- Jeremy Grey: Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
- John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.
- John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
- Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
- [people in the next row turn round and stare at Jeremy]
- John Beckwith: Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
- Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.
- Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
- Jeremy Grey: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
- John Beckwith: I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
- Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!
- Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
- [in a speech at Christina's wedding, quoting what John has just told her]
- Claire Cleary: True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
- John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
- Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
- John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
- Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
- [makes sputtering motorboat noise]
- Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?
- John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
- Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?
- John Beckwith: No, what's wrong with you?
- Jeremy Grey: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!
- John Beckwith: Drop it.
- Jeremy Grey: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
- John Beckwith: Drop it!
- [starts walking away]
- Jeremy Grey: Team player!
- Jeremy Grey: Todd, I notice you haven't even touched your food yet.
- Todd Cleary: I don't eat meat or fish.
- Grandma Mary Cleary: He's a homo.
- John Beckwith: Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.
- Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
- John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.
- Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Oh Jesus.
- John Beckwith: It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
- [to Jeremy]
- John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.
- Claire Cleary: John!
- John Beckwith: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
- [Kathleen Cleary walks into John's bedroom, unbuttons her blouse and shows John her boobs]
- Kathleen Cleary: I just had my tits done. You like 'em?
- John Beckwith: [shocked] Those... seem like lovely tits.
- Kathleen Cleary: William doesn't give a shit about my tits.
- John Beckwith: Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden...
- Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came here.
- John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary, I don't...
- Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.
- John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.
- Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".
- [growls]
- John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat. This feels "borderline" inappropriate.
- [Kathleen walks closer to John]
- Kathleen Cleary: Feel them.
- John Beckwith: What?
- Kathleen Cleary: I said feel them!
- John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...
- Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.
- John Beckwith: I'm sorry, Kitty Kat, are you out of your fucking mind?
- Kathleen Cleary: I'm not letting you out of this room until you feel them.
- [Completely hesitant and nervous, John feels her boobs; Kathleen moans softly]
- John Beckwith: Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like. It's amazing what they can do...
- [Kathleen shudders and puts her blouse back on]
- Kathleen Cleary: Pervert!
- Jeremy Grey: I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
- [John has just referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead]
- Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
- John Beckwith: Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
- Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
- Jeremy Grey: [confessing to Father O'Neil] You wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right, maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win!
- Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?
- John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!
- Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.
- John Beckwith: What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.
- Claire Cleary: [to Sack] I can't marry you.
- Sack Lodge: Secretary. Your daughter's a little...
- Secretary Cleary: Sack, I've always liked you. So I put up with your stories about scallops and otters, and it's all good because you seem to make her happy and that's what matters to me most. But this is *her* decision.
- [he makes a mock salute to her]
- Secretary Cleary: I stand by my daughter.
- Sack Lodge: [waving him off] You don't know shit.
- Randolph: [In unrated version] You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
- Jeremy Grey: Jam, I...
- Randolph: Listen man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.
- Jeremy Grey: You could not be more wrong about what's happening here...
- Randolph: Just be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing 90.
- Jeremy Grey: Jesus Christ!
- Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
- Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
- Janice: Okay...
- Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
- Todd Cleary: Death, you are my bitch lover!
- Secretary Cleary: Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!
- John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
- Jeremy Grey: No problem.
- John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
- Jeremy Grey: Apology accepted.
- John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means.
- Jeremy Grey: John, it's OK. Do you mind if I get married now?
- John Beckwith: That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles.
- Mrs. Kroeger: I want them.
- John Beckwith: Know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split them right down the middle. How would that be, Mr Kroeger?
- Mr. Kroeger: It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.
- Mrs. Kroeger: Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.
- Mr. Kroeger: She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean.
- Mrs. Kroeger: She's a stripper, for God's sake.
- Mr. Kroeger: She is not.
- Mrs. Kroeger: Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you. Hillbilly!
- John Beckwith: You better lock it up.
- Jeremy Grey: No, you lock it up!
- John Beckwith: You lock it up!
- Jeremy Grey: You lock it up!
- John Beckwith: You lock it up!
- Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
- Bratty Kid: I want a bicycle.
- Jeremy Grey: Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?
- Bratty Kid: I just want a bicycle!
- Jeremy Grey: Why... why are you yelling at me?
- Bratty Kid: Make me a bicycle, clown!
- Jeremy Grey: All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
- Bratty Kid: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
- Jeremy Grey: [later] Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.
- Jeremy Grey: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.
- Jeremy Grey: Does anyone know what this here is used for?
- Little Boy: Rollin' a fatty?
- Jeremy Grey: No... Not for... Where'd you learn that?
- Jeremy Grey: Have you even shot one of these things before?
- John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
- Jeremy Grey: I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
- John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
- Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
- John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.
- Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
- [talking at the dinner table about Franklin Roosevelt]
- Grandma Mary Cleary: But that wife of his, Eleanor... Big dyke! Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.
- Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
- John Beckwith: Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
- John Beckwith: [to a group of children at a wedding] Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either.
- Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
- John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
- [cut to another reception]
- Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
- Jeremy Grey: I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.
- [cut to another reception]
- John Beckwith: We lost so many good men out there.
- Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
- John Beckwith: Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.
- John Beckwith: Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan.
- Secretary Cleary: Hi, John.
- John Beckwith: I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
- Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?
- John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
- Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Good man! Take a seat. You didn't happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue did you?
- John Beckwith: Are you kidding me? I thought it was great! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could just get Congress not to be so short-sighted.
- Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short-sighted. John, what d'you say we head onto the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
- John Beckwith: Stogies?
- Secretary Cleary: Yeah.
- John Beckwith: Why not?
- Sack Lodge: What's this, uh, company called?
- Jeremy Grey: [Screaming because Gloria is secretly masturbating him to the end; climaxing] HOLY SHI...
- John Beckwith: [Thinking fast] Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
- [Claire enters the bathroom and finds Sack vomiting in the toilet]
- Claire Cleary: Are you okay?
- Sack Lodge: Well, Claire. My head's buried in a toilet. What do you think? You do the math.
- Claire Cleary: Honey, it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes, it's just me.
- Sack Lodge: You know, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you ok? You wanna help me out? Do ya? Do ya kid? Why don't you go get me a 7Up, ok? All right, 'cause I think I might get vulnerable again.
- Jeremy Grey: Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
- Gloria Cleary: What?
- Jeremy Grey: That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from 'What's Happening,' the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote 'Catcher in the Rye,' Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We're all one.
- Claire Cleary: So is it just about the money?
- John Beckwith: No no, it's about, uh, investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.
- Sack Lodge: Well, like what? Give me an example.
- John Beckwith: Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew, then um... make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.
- Jeremy Grey: [fumbling his words because Gloria is giving him a hand job under the dinner table] People - People helping people.
- Claire Cleary: That's - that's very admirable.
- John Beckwith: Thank you. Although, don't make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,
- [motions to Jeremy]
- John Beckwith: Lap dancers for the big guy here.
- Jeremy Grey: [laughing pleasurably] Oh, ha ha ha, he's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.
- Vivian: Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%?
- John Beckwith: I hope just 50 but who knows.
- Secretary Cleary: Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges, will finally unite.
- John Beckwith: And then of course you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.
- [stunned silence, then Claire laughs]
- Claire Cleary: What is true love?
- John Beckwith: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
- Claire Cleary: It's a little cheesy but I like it.
- John Beckwith: I read it on a bumper sticker!
- Jeremy Grey: I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.
- Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
- [Todd gets up angrily from the dining table]
- Todd Cleary: I'll be in my room, painting.
- [pause]
- Todd Cleary: Homo things!
- Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I apologize to you as I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, 'Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really... And when am i supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night." Do you do like to ass-out hug? Where you like... you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips?
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