- Max: These four things I know are true. Royce Clayton is the worst batter I've ever seen. The rookie of the year was named for a reason. I've got to switch around the way my room is designed And I'm Max Kellerman, and yet all is well in my world.
- Woody: [on steroids] If looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and it's bill is shrinking, then it's on something!
- Woody: Today marks the anniversary of the founding of the National Basketball Assoction... Association...
- Stat Boy: Every once in awhile everyone does something wrong and you have to own up to it - right Mariotti?
- Jay Mariotti: No!
- [Stat Boy mutes him]
- Michael Smith: Old? Woody when God said, "Let there be light," you were there waiting to hit the light switch.
- Tim Cowlishaw: Jay, you're living proof that people under 5-foot 3 should not be allowed to express an opinion.
- Jay Mariotti: [on the NFL Network] Anything with the NFL's logo on it succeeds. Have you heard of Snickers?
- Woody: [mocking] Have you ever heard of the Arizona Cardinals?
- Bill Plaschke: You know what PT Barnum said, "There's a Cowlishaw and a Mariotti born every minute." You guys are fools!
- Jim Armstrong: Oh, please, this is New Orleans you're talking about. At the grocery stores down there, they ask, "Do you want paper or plastic to wear over you head at the game on Sunday?"
- Stat Boy: [before introducing Adande, Blackistone, Paige, and Smith] We're looking at three of America's hippest, most talented sports writers, and one old white guy.
- Woody: [to Blackistone] You know that baldness is in, so when the aliens come, they'll relate to you... Kevin!
- Woody: I really enjoyed Jay being in New York. We hung out and got to play games. We played "horse"... I was the front end and Jay played himself.
- [repeated line]
- Tony Reali: At the Dallas Morning News, Kevin Blackistone.
- Kevin Blackistone: What's happenin' Tony?
- Tony Reali: Everything is everything, KB.
- Michael Smith: [Tony has deducted points away from him for self-promotion] Hey, Tony! Don't take points away from me because I'm the smartest guy on this panel!
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