The In-laws (2002–2003)

Elon Gold: Matt Landis

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Quotes 

• Matt : Oh, well, the truth is, and we didn't want to worry you but, uh, we had a flat.

  Victor : Well, I don't see any grease on your hands. What'd you make my daughter change it?

• Matt : Marlene, uh, this looks delicious.

  Marlene : Oh, Matt, thanks. I would say it was effortless, but why lie? I broke my ass!

• The Mattress King : She could do back-flips on her side of the bed and you'd sleep through it.

  Matt : Why would I want to?

• Matt : The trophies didn't move! The trophies didn't move!

  Marlene : Wouldn't it be more alarming if they did?

• Matt : I just crashed your Dad's car.

  Alex : Yeah, nice try. He told me how great you did.

  Matt : I'm serious. I smashed it pulling it into the garage. Then I kind of made it worse when I backed out. Then I took a deep breath, said, "Matt, relax," and smashed it again on the way in.

• Alex : Oh my God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, God!

  Matt : If that's a pep talk, it needs work!

• Alex : Where are you going?

  Matt : I don't know. Mostly I'll be sleeping by day and traveling under the cover of darkness. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to become a redhead.

• Alex : One time, one of my Dad's favorite armed truck guards left a bag of money on the curb and he forgot to tell him. My Dad was so hurt and so betrayed he couldn't even speak. He just stared into space and started singing. After that, the guard was dead to him.

  Matt : Was he dead to anyone else?

• Matt : Marlene, can you, uh, keep a secret?

  Marlene : No.

• Matt : When you have to tell Victor some bad news, is there anything you do or say to soften the blow?

  Marlene : Well, there is this one thing I do.

  Matt : Please, I'm desperate.

  Marlene : Usually I start by taking a bubble bath with him.

  Matt : Is there any special soap?

• Matt : This is partially your fault, y'know. Yeah, none of this would've happened if you had only said "no."

  Alex : When?

  Matt : When I asked you to marry me!

• Matt : Marlene, is it me or does your sledgehammer clash with that bag?

  Marlene : I use this to hammer in my "For Sale" signs. You know, every time I swing it I feel like I'm driving in a golden spike on a whole new future and I smile. Although sometimes I hit a sprinkler line, then I just run!

• Matt : That's so funny! You take your aggression out on a toy!

  Victor : Be glad, Matt!

• Alex : Hey, honey. What dress do you think I should wear Saturday night?

  Matt : You're not wearing anything.

  Alex : Okay. Where am I going to tuck in my napkin?

• Matt : That's ridiculous!

  Alex : It's crazy!

  Matt : Insane!

  Alex : Totally psycho!

  Matt : Okay, if this argument has any chance, one of us is gonna have to disagree.

• Victor : What the hell is that?

  Matt : It's a C.D. The kids use it to play music.

  Victor : Don't mock me! I know what a Compact Dish is!

• Alex : Do you realize you are the first non-Pellet to ever go apple picking with us? It means you're becoming part of the family.

  Matt : Oh, good, because I felt like marrying you and moving in with your parents was too subtle.

• Victor : Still coming down. Matt, you must've washed that car but good!

  Alex : Daddy!

  Matt : Your father's right, the weather's my fault... along with world hunger and global warming.

• Victor : You see, Chip is your friend. He trusts you, so you're going to exploit that to talk him out of his dream. That way, Chip takes over the business, Charles retires, and I become King of Kings.

  Matt : What are you, a James Bond villain?

• Charles : I thought you were dining out with Chip and Sarah.

  Matt : Yeah, but we kinda got into a fight.

  Alex : Yeah. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to remove a certain couple from my buddy list.

• Matt : So, how was the funeral?

  Alex : You know, it was kind of sad. I've lived next door to Mr. Henderson all my life and I hardly talked to him.

  Victor : Well, that's why he was a good neighbor!

• Victor : I can't believe the big guy came knockin' for him so soon.

  Matt : He was 97. I can't believe he heard the door!

• Marlene : I'm the only person in the office who hasn't sold a house yet. People are beginning to talk. They call me "Can't Sell It Pellet."

  Matt : So, someone said something in passing.

  Marlene : They made it my screensaver!

• Victor : Marlene didn't make me sleep on the couch. I fell asleep watching a documentary on The Discovery Channel.

  Matt : Really? What was it about?

  Victor : Turtles who are extinct because they don't mind their own business.

• Matt : I, uh, hung a little Halloween decoration on the front porch and these two are making a big deal out of it.

  Marlene : A decoration? Oh, good God, Matt, you've opened the gates of hell!

• Victor : And then everything changed one faithful night.

  Matt : I think you mean "fateful."

  Victor : How would you know? You weren't even there!

• Matt : Aren't you gonna wear goggles?

  Victor : No, Snoopy, I'll leave that fashion statement to you.

• Matt : Of course, if I was going to gloat, I might point out how ironic it is that your name is "Victor," and yet today that word seems to describe me.

• Matt : Hey, you think a horse ever says, "Leave the door open; what'd you grow up in a house?"

• Victor : Do you wanna learn or do you wanna be cute?

  Matt : I'd like to do a little of both.

• Matt : Why are you watching a blue screen?

  Victor : Because I've got six remotes and I don't know which one works the VCR.

• Alex : When I was little I couldn't pronounce "grandpa" so I called him "Pappoo."

  Matt : You know, if you animate Pappoo and team him up with a wiseass bird, you got yourself a Disney movie!

• Matt : I finally figured out why your Dad treats me the way he does. Don't you see? Your grandfather abuses your father and your father abuses me. I'm the abused son-in-law of an abused son-in-law!

• Marlene : Can you believe that? She asked me to take care of her cat for the week!

  Matt : Yeah but, Marlene, you offered.

  Marlene : No, I didn't! I said, "If there's anything I can do." It's a hollow, meaningless gesture!

• Alex : Thank God we finally found a safe topic both my Dad and your Mom enjoy talking about.

  Matt : Yeah, my horrible, awkward teen years really came in handy!

• Victor : You remember last night when you were talkin' about family? You said something that really hit home with me. You said, "No matter what, always respect your mother."

  Matt : I never said anything like that. Do you just hear what you wanna hear?

  Victor : Oh, why, thank you, Matt; I have been working out!