Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (2002 Video Game)

Philip Anthony-Rodriguez: Maurice Chavez

Quotes 

• Maurice Chavez : ...And what about other crimes? It seems car crime, fashion crime, drugs, everything is on the rise.

  Callum Crayshaw : Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have. That's kind of what I'm all about. Their satisfaction in spending all day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey.

  Maurice Chavez : What ARE you talking about?

  Callum Crayshaw : I'm talking about hopes... dreams... the magic of television. Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot.

• Maurice Chavez : [Just after Pastor Richards shot Barry]  I'm Maurice Chavez the multi-award-winning, and soon to be executed host of Pressing Issues!

• Congressman Alex Shrub : You have no idea what it takes to serve, the sacrifices, I've made to help my country, to help Vice City. The complexity of the government, the... the hideousness of my wife and the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh, sure, some people like that, but not me, it's a nightmare my friend, and having it thrown back at me by an ingrate like you... I can scarcely get up in the morning!

  Maurice Chavez : And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick break.

• Maurice Chavez : It's a difficult question. Is it right to lie?

  Barry Stark : Clothes are a lie, Maurice.

  Maurice Chavez : No, Barry. Clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting arrested.

• Maurice Chavez : Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine aide to Alaska with the song, "Do They Know It's the Fourth of July?" Critics complain it's immoral to meddle in the affairs of other peoples and cultures. Pastor Richards...

  Pastor Richards : [cutting him off]  What.

  Maurice Chavez : ...Uh, what do you make of meddling in other people's business like an over-opinionated sociopath?

  Pastor Richards : Well, let me say that money could have gone to much better things like reserving a place by my side in the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug.

  Maurice Chavez : Stop doing that!

  Pastor Richards : Don't interrupt me, boy. Anywho, I address the Alaska issue in chapter 23 of my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple. They eat whale and snow and sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow every day? Oh, I tried to help. I sent a helicopter with copies of my book but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows eighteen feet a day!

  Maurice Chavez : Yes, but don't you think it's important...

  Pastor Richards : I think it's very important to listen to me, young man! That's what makes the state of Florida great. Rather than help improve where they are, people nationwide abandon hometowns, come down here, and shove their beliefs down everyone else's throats! That's the American way, always has been! We should send some pictures of Florida to those people in Alaska. I tell you, they'd throw down that bear pelt, saddle up the sled dogs, and get pulled all the way to Vice City. And I should know, I'm from Mars!

  Maurice Chavez : No you're not.

  Pastor Richards : Uh... Mars, Alabama. I founded three colleges there.

• John F. Hickory : Jumpin' Jehosaphat. You city slickers got more issues than a newsstand. Can we talk business here?

  Maurice Chavez : What, is there a corn on the cob-eating contest you have to get to? Got some chitlins and grits in the oven? You got a date with your sister, eh?

• Maurice Chavez : You ain't a big shot. You ain't even a medium shot. You're an asshole.

• Konstantinos Smith : There's only one thing good about life.

  Maurice Chavez : And that is?

  Konstantinos Smith : Death.

  Maurice Chavez : Death?

  Konstantinos Smith : Yeah. And dying, that's good too.

• Konstantinos Smith : I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid.

  Maurice Chavez : That can be arranged.

• Maurice Chavez : Let's start with you, Mr. Hickory. Why the F?

  John F. Hickory : For "Florida"! I'm a patriot! I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my groin.

• Maurice Chavez : And up on Capital Hill, you were instrumental in pushing through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a dessert with potential lethal consequences.

  Alex Shrub : Uh... not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them probably deserved it.

• Maurice Chavez : Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question.

  Alex Shrub : I'm a professional. That's my job.

• Jonathan Freeloader : If you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets. Give now. Let's return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio!... Useless, talentless asshole.

  Michelle Montanius : You're correct, he is an asshole!

  Maurice Chavez : I love those guys! Really professional.

• Jan Brown : Kids these days don't know how to preserve and can their own food. N- no wonder all they want to do is play video games or hang out with their friends. What is it, the "Degeneratron"? What a crock of shit!

  Maurice Chavez : Hey hey! Watch your language! This is radio, we have regulations about that sort of thing!

  Jan Brown : But you let a naked man on.

  Maurice Chavez : Eh, he's behind a screen. You can't see him; He's not that exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a pony tail and a nasty rash. You'll get the picture.

  Jan Brown : Imagine one, I married one. Anyway, what was I saying.

  Maurice Chavez : Eh, you were discussing The Degenetron, which I understand is a games machine, then you swore.

  Jan Brown : I'm sorry, it makes me so mad. I mean, what I heard my son Patrick the 3rd... I heard him using slang words in the house the other day. "Rad" and "cool" and "stick it"... I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his life, and he will NEVER make that mistake again! American should be spoken properly.

  Maurice Chavez : What?

  Jan Brown : No, don't interrupt me! I've got children, you know, please! This is really important. This is about the family. Look, look. Nobody knows how to cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore. Nobody knows how to kill dinner. My daddy was a very wise man. Before that tractor pull accident, my daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig. That's very useful information. Oh sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room with a fork and a fat sow and told me he'd be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls. As a mother, I'm proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie. I did it for my family, and I'll do it again as a mother. Daddy earns money and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my pills?

• Pastor Richards : Shall I send him to hell, Maurice?

  Maurice Chavez : Yes - I mean, no. No, you psychotic lunatic.

• Maurice Chavez : LEAVE. LEAVE RIGHT NOW. Get out of my studio. Go get your own radio show. Go save some other people.

• Maurice Chavez : Pastor Richards, as a human being, I find your religion, or cult, or whatever it is, utterly and completely appalling.

• Maurice Chavez : If you listen, one day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test.

• Maurice Chavez : Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA group meeting recently?

  Alex Shrub : Baseball is our national sport- our national pastime. Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.