Old School (2003)

Luke Wilson: Mitch

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mitch Martin : True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

• Mitch : I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

  Beanie : Why in front of the kid? With the F-ing? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him. "Earmuffs". Then you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch", whatever you want.

  Frank : Cock. Balls.

  Beanie : I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

• Mitch : Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?

  Cab Driver : I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.

• Weensie : [after learning he's going to be expelled]  Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.

  Mitch : C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.

  Weensie : Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife.

• Frank : A little housewarming gift.

  Mitch : I actually gave this to you for your wedding.

  Frank : This model?

  Mitch : That exact one.

• Mitch : Wow. Cheese. Is that you?

  Dean Pritchard : Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.

  Beanie : Who's this guy?

  Mitch : Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?

  Dean Pritchard : Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.

  Beanie : Oh, yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?

  Dean Pritchard : Yea, I got out.

  Beanie : Cool man. Good. Glad you did.

• Mitch : Please be honest with me. Tell me this is the first time this has ever happened.

  Heidi : Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?

• Beanie : [after finding out that it's in the bylaw that the only way to keep the fraternity is take a course of tests but Beanie does not want to do it]  Who'se lives are ruined?

  Mitch Martin : Well, see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And now we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school, and you're not even gonna help them.

• Beanie : Whose life is ruined?

  Mitch : Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.

• Mitch : I wasn't looking for a girl like that.

  Beanie : Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.

• Nicole : I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true?

  Mitch : Well, yes, but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.

• Mitch Martin : At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinderblock in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinderblock have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?

  Beanie : And the answer, ladies... is trust.

• Gang Bang Guy : Hello.

  Mitch : Yeah?

  Gang Bang Guy : I'm here for the gangbang...

• Frank : Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever.

  Beanie : Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP.

  Frank : What?

  Beanie : You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single.

  Frank : I'm not single.

  Beanie : She's 30 yards away, you're single now.

  Frank : Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

  Beanie : Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?

  Beanie : There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."

  Mitch Martin : She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.

• Mitch : Who's this guy?

  Beanie : Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit.

  Mitch : He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge?

  Beanie : You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.

• Mitch : All I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

• Beanie : Girls love a guy who's in your situation.

  Mitch : What situation?

  Beanie : Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.

• Mitch : A professor lived here for like thirty years and died.

  Beanie : That's awesome.

• Mitch : So what are you? Campus security?

  Dean Pritchard : Try again.

  Beanie : Jevohah Witness?

  Dean Pritchard : I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.

• Jerry : What sort of actual association will you have with the university?

  Mitch Martin : Who are these people?

  Frank : I don't know.

  Beanie : Well, legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.

• Mitch : This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college.

• Mitch : You don't understand me Beanie, it's sexual harassment. I mean I could go to jail for this.

  Beanie : For what? Being Awesome? Besides Mitch, how old did you say this girl was, 17 years old? Mitch, that's a total grey area.

  Mitch : It's a total felony.

• Mitch : Beanie, you remember, Cheese.

  Beanie : Oh, yeah. Cheeeeese... Didn't we lock you in the dumpster one time?

  Dean Pritchard : [aggitated]  I got out.

  Beanie : Cool, man.

• Mitch : I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years.

  Frank : I love you, Dad.

• Mitch Martin : Denver? The sunshine state? Gorgeous!

• Beanie : [deleted scene; at Speaker City]  You should be proud of yourself. You got action on day five.

  Mitch Martin : Are you kidding? I could go to jail for this.

  Beanie : For what? Being awesome?

  Mitch Martin : It's called statutory rape.

  Beanie : Please, they don't enforce that shit. This is like the jaywalking of sex crimes. Budnick, tuck in the shirt. It's called Speaker City, not Speaker Ghetto. You said the girl was like 17 years old?

  Mitch Martin : Yeah.

  Beanie : That's a total grey area.

  Mitch Martin : It's a total felony.

  Beanie : Is not.

  Mitch Martin : Yeah, it is.

• Heidi : [deleted scene; phone call]  Hello?

  Mitch Martin : Hi, honey. It's me.

  Heidi : Shouldn't you be on a plane by now?

  Mitch Martin : Well, I should, but unfortunately they oversold the flight.

  Heidi : Oh my God. That sucks.

  Mitch Martin : Yeah, I know. But I gotta get on the redeye now. I should be home around 7 in the morning.

  Heidi : Oh, but I miss you, boobie.

  Mitch Martin : I know. I miss you too. But I tell you what. I got all night to spend in the gift shops. So anything with the word San Diego on it, it's yours. Just name it.

  Heidi : Just get on the redeye.

  Mitch Martin : Okay, I will. I love you. I love you, boobie.

  Heidi : Love you too.

  Mitch Martin : Bye.

  [he hangs up] 

  Mitch Martin : Look, I really need to get on this flight.

  Female Airport Employee : Well, I really need a new minivan but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen now, does it?

  Mitch Martin : Look, I don't think you understand. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. Tonight.

  Female Airport Employee : My goodness. Well, why didn't you say so? Love conquers all, right? In this case, it bumps Mr. Bernstein and his kosher meal straight out of coach. Here you go. Congratulations and good luck.

  Mitch Martin : Thank you.

  Airplane Ticket Buyer : Good afternoon. I'm Murray Bernstein.

  Female Airport Employee : Well, Mr. Bernstein, I'm afraid you're fucked.