National Lampoon's Van Wilder (2002)

Ryan Reynolds: Van Wilder

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Van Wilder : Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

• Van Wilder : Her name's Naomi. That's "I moan" backwards.

• Van Wilder : You shouldn't take life to seriously. You'll never get out alive.

• [repeated line, after giving advice] 

  Van Wilder : Write that down.

• Van Wilder : Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you... even if you know its someplace you know you're not suppossed to be.

  Gwen : And how many times has your heart led you into the women's locker room?

  Van Wilder : This would be a first.

  Gwen : Why do I find that hard to believe?

  Van Wilder : I'm not saying this is the first time I've been in here, just usually it is another part of my anatomy that does the leading.

• Van Wilder : Wow, If he's here, who's running hell?

• Van Wilder : It's a date.

  Gwen : It's an interview, not a date.

  Van Wilder : Gwen, first dates are interviews.

• Van Wilder : What is wrong with people today?

  Hutch : [taking a hit from a bong]  It's the internet dude, it fries their brain cells.

• Van Wilder : Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.

• Van Wilder : Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.

• Van Wilder : Hey look. I read the damn article all right. But don't tell anyone because if word gets out that I read my reputation shot to hell.

• McDoogle : I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential.

  Van Wilder : That's why you and I had friction? God, I always thought it was 'cause, 'cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year.

  McDoogle : Why, what... You fooled around with my daughter?

  Van Wilder : What?

• Van Wilder : [speaking about Gwen's boyfriend Richard]  I'll bet he's a tighty whitey guy.

  Gwen : Excuse me?

  Van Wilder : White, elastic band, constricting. You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of drawers they wear. Like you - granny panties I bet.

  Gwen : Does that allude to me being the plain, boring type?

  Van Wilder : Mmmm, no.

  Van Wilder : [sighs] 

  Van Wilder : I just wanted the visual.

• Van Wilder : I know Ms. Pac-Man is special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.

• Van Wilder : [while standing pantless next to the freshman]  But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.

  Suicidal Freshman : I don't have a pen.

  Van Wilder : Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.

• Gwen : [Mouths]  What are you doing here?

  Van Wilder : [Mouths]  I don't know!

• Van Wilder : All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Look at me. No cock pump.

  Taj : No cock pump. Barry White.

• Van Wilder : Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK!

  [under his breath] 

  Van Wilder : Not that you had to.

• Gwen : I'm doing a human interest piece... on you.

  Van Wilder : I'm flattered, I'd love for your piece to be on me.

  [looks up at the ceiling and sighs] 

  Van Wilder : ... But sadly I don't do interviews, never have, never will. Do lunch though.

• Richard : Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year?

  Van Wilder : Actually, its lucky number seven.

• Gwen : Well I think it takes a lot more then the kind of underwear one wears to define them as a person.

  [Van looks shocked] 

  Van Wilder : Like what?

• Van Wilder : The first day of spring semester. A time to say goodbye to the parents once again, and say hello to a few new student bodies.

• Hutch : I've got a plan. Let's go get fucked up.

  Van Wilder : Sounds good.

• Van Wilder : Well just take a look at this... ya... doodles... I attended class today just about stayed the whole time too!

  Gwen : I'm glad you went to all your classes today.

  Van Wilder : And a few that weren't mine, I stepped in the wrong room, liked what I heard... stayed.

  Gwen : That's great!

• Van Wilder : Well, you haven't lived until you've shot-putted blitzed on Jager!"

• Van Wilder : You think about the future too much and you kinda forget about the present. Obviously.

• Van Wilder : We'll be accepting donations in the form of cash, visa, and full frontal nudity.

• Van Wilder : I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. I know you were right. Believing for so long.

  Sally : Dope song. What's it called?

  Van Wilder : Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then Married an Ass Wipe... and Ran Over My Heart With a Big Metaphorical Truck. Originally performed by Air Supply.

  Sally : Who's Air Supply?

  Van Wilder : How old are you Sally?

• Gwen : Is it true this is your seventh year at Coolidge?

  Van Wilder : Carry the two, yes that's correct.

• Van Wilder : Was that a...

  [looks away and points] 

  Van Wilder : Judges ruling? Uh huh. Yeah.

  [looks back] 

  Van Wilder : I do believe that was a joke.

• Taj : I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.

  Van Wilder : Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.

  Taj : Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

• Van Wilder : Crazy kids with their crazy VDs.

• Van Wilder : Blue - it brings out your eyes. The kid has killer eyes, not unlike yourself - anyone ever tell you that?

  Gwen : Yes, my boyfriend.

  Van Wilder : Your boyfriend? What's his name?

  Gwen : I don't think that's any of your business.

  Van Wilder : [Puts on sunglasses and turns away]  You're right

• Van Wilder : All this time I thought I was more to you than a flaccid story.

• Taj : Doesn't she have a boyfriend?

  Van Wilder : Details. Only details.

• Van Wilder : What's that intoxicating scent you're wearing Doris?

  Ms. Doris Haver : I have cats.

  Van Wilder : Meow!

• Sally : [straddling Van and kissing him, turns around and sees Gwen walk into Van's room]  You must be Gwen, the truck driver

  Van Wilder : Gwen?

  [chases her outside] 

  Gwen : What were you doing up there?

  Van Wilder : As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure that was my room...

  Van Wilder : [looking back] 

  Van Wilder : Wasn't it?

  Gwen : What was that girl, a freshman?

  Van Wilder : She reads at a sophomore level.

• [Ms. Haver takes a long swig on some liquor] 

  Ms. Doris Haver : Oh yeah... that's the shit!

  Van Wilder : You know... I think I'm getting a little coldsore come on... so maybe we shouldn't do this for 3 to 6 weeks?

  Ms. Doris Haver : Shut up, bitch and give me some sugar!

• Van Wilder : I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed.

• Van Wilder : I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore.

  Taj : A good soldier does not leave his commander just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets, intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. I will stay on at no charge.

• [Stripper farts, blowing white powder over Van, Hutch and Taj. There is a pause before Van whoops and claps in applause] 

  Van Wilder : Taj, your first blow job!

  Taj : In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!

• Van Wilder : Don't be a fool, stay in school!

• Van Wilder : Take your clothes off.

  Gwen : I'm not taking off my clothes.

  Van Wilder : Well it is the naked mile run, everybody else is in their birthday suit.

  [a hairy naked guy runs by] 

  Van Wilder : Except that guy.

• Panos Patakos : Nobody even knows we're here.

  Van Wilder : Au contraire, mon freres.

• Van Wilder : I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake!

• Van Wilder : If Milty Mingleton can shove himself into that weenie bikini, then you don't need to be shy about making your donations to the swim team.

• Van Wilder : You guys have had the best GPS the last 50 years.

  Panos Patakos : Indeed. But believe it or not, best GPA doesn't get you laid.

  Van Wilder : Damn well should.

• Van Wilder : I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongatas.

• Van Wilder : Dinner for two. Me and you. Clothing optional.

• [after a stripper farts in their face] 

  Van Wilder : Congratulations Taj, your first blow job!

• Van Wilder : Whoa, trick or treat. What's going on?

  Richard : This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party.

  Van Wilder : Graphic.

• Richard : Gwen, what are you doing here?

  Van Wilder : You two know each other?

  Richard : That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.

• McDoogle : Ok, Wilder. Let's dance.

  Van Wilder : It's a good day to die, McDoogle.

• Van Wilder : [while the dog is walking away, and his balls have shrunk]  Looks like all he needed was a little TLC

• Van Wilder : How old are you, Sally?

  Sally : I'm old enough to be jealous of that Gwen girl.

• Van Wilder : Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!