Death Has Blue Eyes

Fancy wasting your time? Then check out this Grecian offering, which boasts two of the most obnoxious men you'll ever meet. They're cards, they really are.. stealing things from incredibly stupid people, sleeping with whoever they want despite being unbelievably ugly and dodging fake looking bullets and dodgy motorcycle thugs like there's no tomorrow. Who better to protect the life of a psychic who has witnessed a murder in Poland, I ask you? 'Hilarious' adventures with naked maids, rude talking birds and stripping at gunpoint ensue.

It is difficult for me express just how appalling this film is. Every single aspect of it stinks in a way few films do, and it takes a special kind of non-talent to make something this offensively bad. The metaphor that I could use is that of a modern art picture, where people throw random amounts of paint at the canvas and hope it will turn out to be a masterpiece. Unfortunately, all we end up with here is a mess, and a tedious and pointless one at that. It isn't even worth me thinking up an amusing punchline to end the review like I usually do. So I'll simply close by stating for the record I wouldn't wish this movie on my worst enemy, and if any of the actors/ directors/ caterers involved in this crap had any sort of career afterwards, the world is indeed a tragic place..