Big Train (1998–2002)

Kevin Eldon: Various Roles

Photos 

Quotes 

• [catering students are attending a lecture - a sign on the desk says "Cake Department"] 

  Cake Chef : So, in conclusion, these cakes really are selling extremely quickly. They're selling like nobody's business. They're flying off the shelves, these cakes. Maybe it's because we warm the up first, I don't know, but they are being bought at a tremendous rate. In fact, I don't think I've seen anything sell with such speed as these warmed-through cakes. People are snapping up these cakes like, well, like they're going out of fashion.

  Catering Student : [coughs]  Sorry. You could say they were selling like hot cakes.

  Manager : Well, I think that's as good a place as any to end the meeting, so thank you very much, Steve, and thank you, everybody.

  [students get up and leave] 

  Manager : Peter, Can I have a quick word? I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go.

  Catering Student : You're... You're firing me? But why?

  Manager : Because you're a smart alec, Peter. You can't help making glib remarks about cakes, and I'm afraid up here what counts here is how you make cakes, and not what you say about them.

  Catering Student : Don't... Don't fire me, please. I'm committed to cakes.

  Manager : OK, look, it's clearly not working out for you in this division, so I'm prepared to give you another chance. I'm gonna move you to another section. But I want you to cut out the smart remarks. OK? It's down to you, Peter.

  Catering Student : OK.

  [another room of catering students, only now the sign says "Broth Department"] 

  Broth Chef : And so, to recap

  [points at diagram of many chefs surrounding a pot] 

  Broth Chef : this represents the vat of broth, and these figures represent the broth makers, or cooks, if you will. There's a lot of them, isn't there? And it's this surfeit of cooks that's having such a negative impact on the broth. There's too many cooking staff, and it's ruining to product. You'd think wouldn't you, that having so many cooks would make it better, but no, it's making it worse. So, to put it in simple terms, the ratio of chefs to the amount of food being prepared is proving detremental to the broth.

  Catering Student : [coughs]  Um...

  Manager : [glares at the student] 

  Catering Student : You could say... that you've bollocksed it up.

  Manager : [smiles] 

• Customer : [a customer enters a ball shop, footballs, tennis balls etc] 

  Customer : Hi, I'd like a ball please.

  Ball Shop Owner : Terribly sorry, but we don't sell balls.

  Customer : Oh... ok. Bye

  Customer : [he leaves] 

  Ball Shop Owner : [notices the balls on the walls]  Oh wait...! We've got plenty of balls.