Hjælp! Jeg er en fisk (2000)

Alan Rickman: Joe

Quotes 

• Fly : [chasing Joe in the water pipes as he escapes with the antidote]  Wait! Wait, come-come back, you-you stupid fish!

  Joe : [coldly]  I'm sufficiently intelligent enough to kill you... if you don't stop bothering me.

  Fly : So what? Any brute could do that. But can you tell me what the square root of... 6,561 is?

  Joe : [stammers]  Uh, 300 divided by 40, minus 3 is... .

  [he turns to drink more of the antidote and develops a swollen head] 

  Joe : Ah! 81!

  Fly : Yeah! But do you know what happens if an object travels at the speed of light?

  Joe : [drinks more of the antidote and sprouts spines, legs and arms, and tears his pelvic fins off]  Ah! It turns into pure energy!

  Fly : What came first, the-the chicken or the egg?

  Joe : [drinks more of the antidote and grows in size, grows hair and longer limbs, now resembling a fish-human]  It depends on the relative amount of molecules in the universe!

  Fly : What happens to a fish if he drinks too much antidote?

  Joe : It... becomes...

  [wheezes for breath] 

  Joe : HUMAN!

  Fly : [coyly]  Can a human breathe underwater?

  Joe : OF COURSE NOT!

  [he realizes he can no longer breathe underwater and drowns, sucked away by the pipe's current] 

• Joe : Once, there was only silence, and not a speck of hope in sight. And every tiny bubble burst on its journey towards the light. But the spark of creation will flicker again, it's a brand new era... about to begin.

• Fly : [trying to take back the potion from Joe]  I'm convinced your words are true.

  Joe : Who's this?

  Fly : Please let me follow you.

  Joe : What a nice young fish.

  Fly : I'll hold the bottle, too.

  Joe : Oh no, that won't be necessary.

  Fly : I insist, just let me hold it.

  Joe : [crossly]  The bottle stays with me.

  Fly : Just let me have a little sip.

  Chuck : No Fly, no! We're at the bottom of the sea, you'll drown!

  Joe : Hmm... arrest them!

• Joe : [to the crab and Shark]  Useless! The pair of you! You're not fit for sushi! I sentence you to execution!

  The Shark : Uhh... what's that?

  Joe : Shark! Chew up that useless crab and eat yourself when you've finished!

  The Shark : [about to eat the crab]  Yeh... uh... well...

  [turns angrily to Joe] 

  Joe : [realizing his mistake]  Uh... I mean, um, no no, uh, that won't do, ah, my mistake. Nobody has to execute themselves in a civilized society.

  [spotting another fish] 

  Joe : You!

  Seabass : Ah, who? Me?

  Joe : Yes, you! Because of your long and loyal service to me, I hereby appoint you chief executioner.

  Seabass : Ah! Ohh, thank you, sir. Ah, thank you, sir! Thank you, thank you, thank y -

  [Shark devours him] 

  Joe : Uh, on the other fin, we could just call it water under the bridge. A great leader is distinguished by his ability to forgive. Shark, I hereby appoint you offensive commander!

  The Shark : [calls the other fish to order]  Atten-tion! Go and get those three infuriating fish and bring them to me *now*!

• The Shark : [after swimming through the potion, the two transform and gain the ability to speak]  What happened?

  [realizing he can talk] 

  The Shark : Whoa! What's that sound?

  Joe : [stammering before realizing he can also talk]  Mmm. I believe we have acquired the power of speech, my voracious friend.

  The Shark : Uh...

  Joe : [slurping up potion]  I can talk. I can think.

  [bottling potion] 

  Joe : Mmm, what a delicious beverage. Can you feel the power? Can you... taste it?

  The Shark : Taste it?

  [spotting a fish, which he eats] 

  The Shark : Ah! Food!

  [belching in Joe's face] 

  The Shark : Oi! Clean my teeth! There's stuff in the cracks.

  Joe : Henceforth, oral hygiene is no longer my department.

  The Shark : What?

  Joe : [flatly]  I don't clean anymore. Try dental floss. From now on, I call the shots. Where there's brain power, I can have fame, fortune, servants.