- Mitch Henessey: What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin' out. What up with that?
- Charlie: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Mitch Henessey: I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.
- Nathan: Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
- Alice: Well, what's wrong with the dog?
- Nathan: Simple. He's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention. I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good, or there to stay. Wouldn't you agree?
- [Nathan hands his gun to Charlie, then pulls out a second]
- Mitch: Jesus, old man, how many of those you got?
- Nathan: Three. One shoulder, one hip and one down here, right next to Mr. Wally, where most patdowns never reveal it, as even the most hardened federal agent is often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?
- Mitch: Yeah. What's the weather like on your planet?
- Caitlin Caine: Mommy, am I gonna die?
- Charlie: Oh, no, baby, no. You're not going to die. They are. Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog?
- Mitch Henessey: I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest.
- Mitch: Oh, shit! Ah, that hurt like shit!
- Samantha: I know. That's why I distracted you first. Same principle as deflowering virgins.
- Mitch: Huh? What? Virgin - ? What?
- Samantha: Read it in this Harold Robbins book. Guy bites her on the ear. Distracts from the pain. Ever try that?
- Mitch: No, no, I sock 'em in the jaw and yell, "Pop goes the weasel."
- Mitch Henessey: [singing] Putting the keys in my left pocket. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Gun in the right-hand side.
- Samantha Caine: It makes a bulge, people can see.
- Mitch Henessey: Ya want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off?
- Samantha Caine: Now you're a sharpshooter?
- Mitch Henessey: ...everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of "u" and "umption".
- Mitch: [singing to the song "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" on the radio] I'm not talking 'bout the linen... And I don't wanna change your life...
- Samantha: Movin' in.
- Samantha: Huh?
- Samantha: It's not linen. The song's not about linen.
- Mitch: Whatever. You cold?
- Samantha: I'm freezing.
- Mitch: Turn on the heater. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise which distracts from the cold.
- Samantha: I'll pass.
- Mitch: I will see to it you will spend the next ten years in prison getting ass fucked. And if the case is thrown out because my arrest was too violent, I will personally hire men to ass fuck you for the next ten years. So, if you're an ass fucking fan, you go ahead and mouth off.
- Mitch: You're telling me that you're gonna fake some terrorist thing, just to scare some money out of Congress?
- Leland Perkins: Well, unfortunately, Mr. Hennessey, I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people - so we're just gonna have to do it for real. Blame it on the Muslims, naturally. Then I get my funding.
- Charlie: ...It ain't over. You're going to die screaming... and I'm going to watch. Am I telling the truth?
- Mitch Henessey: We jumped out of a building.
- Nathan: Yes, it was very exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo.
- Charlie: You're Waldman.
- Nathan: No, I'm the Hill Brothers bean buyer. Who else would I be? Hang on. If you want me to talk in front of him, you may be asked... to kill him later. It works for me. Your call.
- Samantha: It's like I'm in goddamn prison. Do you know how that feels?
- Mitch Henessey: "YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S LIKE. FOUR YEARS inside, Marion, Illinois. A REAL shithole. AND I'M NOT GOING BACK."
- Charlie: Goddamn it. You're early. So Perkins wants me dead, huh? What's the rush? Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight? Shoo.
- Alley Agent: Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.
- Mitch Henessey: This ain't no ham on rye pal.
- Charlie: What the hell are you doing?
- Mitch Henessey: Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that 'ham on rye' line.
- Mitch Henessey: How did you find us?
- Nathan: There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.
- Mitch Henessey: That's a duck, not a dick.
- Mitch: [after Mitch confesses that he's been in prison] Eight years ago, I was an Atlanta cop. My partner and I worked this fraud case together. That motherfucker hated me! I forget why, but he did. Anyway, some bonds went missing from the evidence room, and, when someone called Internal Affairs and they went searching through my closet, lo and behold, what did they find?
- Samantha: The bonds. Your partner put them there, huh?
- Mitch: No, no, I did. I stole the damn things.
- [starts laughing, then after a long pause Samantha starts laughing. then another brief pause]
- Mitch: . I never did one thing right in my life. Now that takes skill.
- Samantha Caine: What, are you a Mormon?
- Mitch Henessey: Yes, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newport and drank three vodka tonics.
- [Nathan says that Samantha Caine was a fantasy]
- Charlie: No. It's not a fantasy. I'm in the goddamn P.T.A...
- Luke (A.K.A. Daedalus): Torture, yes, a woman's face never looked so quite beautiful as when it's distended in pain, witness the beauty of child birth.
- Samantha: Untie me and ill make any face you want.
- Luke (A.K.A. Daedalus): Let's not and say we did.
- Alley Agent: Good evening, pretty lady. How 'bout some company?
- Charlie: No thanks. I'm saving myself 'til I get raped.
- Caitlin Caine: [sitting in the car, Mitch driving away from the chemical explosion, cars falling out of the sky] Don't hit the cars!
- Mitch Henessey: Question. You keep saying "I this", "I that". Like well
- [pause]
- Mitch Henessey: it's like you don't need me anymore.
- Charlie: [looks at Mitch] Good point.
- [opens passenger side door]
- Mitch Henessey: Hey, hey
- [Charlie kicks him out of the car]
- Mitch Henessey: HEY!
- [Mitch rolls a couple times and ends up on the sidewalk]
- Hal: [At the Christmas party] As the year draws to a close... I would like to share with you just a few things about myself, things of which I'm especially proud. First, I am proud to say that I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit, I do smoke and drink. To our dear friends, may the best of your past be the worst of your future.
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