Caroline in the City (1995–1999)

Malcolm Gets: Richard Karinsky, Dingle

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Richard : In the future, when you tell your brother off in the dead of winter and storm outside, you might want to bring a coat.

  Caroline : I'm fine.

  Richard : Oh, please. You don't have to be proud in front of me. I've seen you eat M&Ms off the floor.

• Richard : So, Donna, do you miss Rome?

  Donna : Oh, no. All that traffic and noise and pollution, and rude people.

  Richard : Oh, I can see why you moved to New York.

• Woman : Mr. Karinski, 30 years old and you've spent the last 8 months coloring things.

  Richard : Yes, my mother's very proud also.

• Richard : Excuse me. What do you people think I do on my birthday?

  Caroline : I don't know. I just assumed you curled up with a handful of dirt from your homeland and waited 'til dawn.

  Richard : Nope that's New Year's.

• Richard : Oh, God, I hate Mondays.

  Caroline : It's Tuesday, Richard.

  Richard : I know, I'm still trying to get over yesterday.

• Richard : I'm very open to criticism.

  Kenneth : Hmm.

  Richard : Oh yeah, who the hell are you to judge my work?

• Caroline : He wants to get married.

  Richard : To you?

  Caroline : No, to you.

• Caroline : You know, you could try being nicer to him.

  Richard : Yeah, and I could watch Tori Spelling play Medea. But life is just too short.

• Richard : I'm stuck!

  Del : What do you mean?

  Richard : I'm stuck. Are you having trouble with "I'm" or "stuck"?

• Richard : Well, if it isn't the 8th dwarf, Easy.

• Richard : So, no one liked my paintings in Rome, either. But it was just as well. After Julia left me, I couldn't paint anymore.

  Caroline : She broke your heart?

  Richard : No, she broke my paint brush! Of course she broke my heart. I mean I was in love with her, you know. Sincere amore. The kind of love you never have to question.

• Joe : What are you working on?

  Richard : Not throwing you out the window.

  Joe : How's it going?

  Richard : Not so good.

• Richard : Oh, come on, you're just fishing for compliments.

  Woman : Is it working?

• Annie : That's how she was going to accept his proposal! It's so romantic!

  Richard : How do you know it was a marriage proposal? It could have been a suicide pact.

  Annie : Somebody wasn't breast-fed!

  Richard : Somebody doesn't have breasts!

• Caroline : [doorbell]  I'll get it.

  Richard : I'll get it.

  Caroline : No, I'll get it.

  Richard : I said I'll get it.

  Caroline : Fine, then you get it.

  Richard : You wanna get it so bad, then you get it.

• Richard : I'm the one doing the mural on the Reisman Building.

  Secretary : Oh, right, the painter!

  Richard : Uh, artist.

  Secretary : What's the difference?

  Richard : I don't have to wear a little white hat.

• [Salty jumps into Richard's lap] 

  Richard : How anecdotal. Can you please just make it disappear?

  Caroline : I'm sorry. Are you allergic?

  Richard : No, I just don't like cats or dogs or anything that runs up to you and pees on your feet when you come home.

• Richard : Oh, Caroline, oh, oh Caroline, you're so good to me. I just wish the job were better.

• Del : [entering]  Oh, hey, Richard. Sweetie?

  Richard : Sweetie isn't here.

  Del : Where is she?

  Richard : Ah, reading to the blind, gynecologist. Who listens?

• Caroline : I'm not going to let them get away with this. I'm going to mock them in my comic strip.

  Richard : No, no, no. Caroline, please. Remember when you mocked the electric company? I'm not working by candlelight again.

• Caroline : Richard, I can't believe we brought a baby into this world.

  Richard : Well, Vicki did most of the work.

• Richard : Donna, I'm sorry were gonna have to call this off; my wife gets very jealous.

  Caroline : I can't believe you, bringing another one of your women up here. While I'm at home feeding little Richard. And on our anniversary. He's not even a painter, you know. He's a beast.

• Richard : Thanks.

  Caroline : You're welcome.

  Richard : Slap was a bit much.

  Caroline : That was for ignoring me in the restaurant.

• Richard : Mother, buy a gun, it will be faster.

  Caroline : But not nearly as much fun.

• Natalie Karinsky : Look at you. Why are you all dressed in black?

  Richard : I'm a ninja warrior now, Mother.

• Richard : OK, one Christmas morning, I wake up, I run into the living room and my mother says 'I just forgot'.

  Annie : OK, no more calls. We have a winner.

• Richard : OK, OK, well you've all met Lady Bracknall. So let the games begin.

  Caroline : Well, she really didn't say much but your imaginary friend Adam, he spilled his guts.

  Annie : Yeah, Mr. Bedwetter.

  Richard : I can't believe she told you that.

  Annie : She didn't, gotcha. Five bucks.

• Richard : Yente Center. May I help you?

• Caroline : I still have William Shatner's Christmas album if it'll put you in the mood.

  Richard : Yeah, to climb up a clock tower and thin out the neighborhood.

• Caroline : How are you getting on with your neighbors?

  Richard : Not as well as they're getting on with each other.

• Caroline : I've seen Annie naked.

  Richard : Who hasn't?

• Annie : Richie can't drive.

  Richard : This is true, but if you lay down in the street I'll give it a try.

• Richard : Del, were you absent the day they taught, 'Think it, don't say it?'

• Richard : See, I have helped you. I improved the quality of your sarcasm.

• Del : Teach me some basic Jewish small talk! Who's the guy on roof?

  Richard : Me, in about 10 minutes if you don't leave me alone!

• Caroline : Are you going to untie me?

  Richard : Not today.

• Caroline : Richard, you can't just pretend that nothing happened.

  Richard : That's the beauty of being repressed, I can.

• Advertising Lady : You want a puppet? Get her a puppet!

  Richard : She already has one. Me.

  Caroline : And if you're really good, maybe someday you'll turn into a real boy.

• Del : You know, Caroline was right about you. You do suck the joy out of everything.

  Richard : Tell your friends.

• Caroline : Maybe you've heard of her? Donna Spadaro? She had that big hit back in the eighties, "On Black Top Road".

  Richard : Oh, right, On Black Top Road. Yeah, of course I remember.

  Caroline : You do?

  Richard : No, but I was afraid you'd sing it to me.

• Caroline : Richard, I'm gonna call you in an hour and if you don't answer, I'm coming over.

  Richard : Caroline, you're a cartoonist. What are you gonna do? Draw the chalk outline around me?

  Detective : Sorry, she can't. It's a union job.

• Caroline : Richard, why is all your furniture in the hall?

  Richard : We had to pee.

• Richard : My fortune cookie's empty... That's also the title of my autobiography.

• Richard : It's just a dog-eat-talking-dog world out there.

• Richard : What's with you? Oh, you've been with Del for a whole 8 minutes. He must have broken up with you again.

• Richard : I've never flown first class before.

  Caroline : The stewardesses have sex with you.

  Richard : Yeah, right.

  Del : Sometimes they really do.

• Richard : Oh, will you look at that, girl talk and me without a uterus.

• Police Officer : We're looking for a Mr. Richard Karinsky.

  Caroline : Why?

  Richard : Because my life is like a Kafka novel.

• Richard : 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there were lots of mice playing, 'cuz the cat was dead.

• Richard : Does this elevator go straight to Hell or do I switch in the lobby?

• Shelly : . . . dinky, dink. What are you thinking?

  Richard : I've got to dump her before she makes me eat whatever's in that pan. Mmm. Sure smells good.

  Shelly : Bonnie Belinda, let's go give Richard a big kiss!

  Richard : God, it's Richard Karinsky. Please strike me dead. Mmmm.

  Shelly : Now, give her a big kiss back.

  Richard : God, if you miss me, go for the dog.

  [kisses the dog] 

• Caroline : Now, promise me you won't tell them.

  Annie : What kind of person do you think I am?

  Caroline : I repeat: promise me you won't tell them.

  [they enter] 

  Caroline : Hey, guys.

  Del : Hey, hey. What ya' been?

  Annie : Well, you guys won't believe this. Caroline and I were out at the ATM on Eighth St.

  Caroline : Okay, fine, let's just get it out in the open. I picked my nose and they got it on videotape. Give me your best shot. You may not get another opportunity like this. Caroline, you're so snotty. Caroline, don't be so picky.

  Del : Caroline, you picked your nose?

  Richard : Oh my God. And I use your pencils.

  Annie : Well, I was only going to say you lost your 200 bucks, but hey.

• Richard : Oh, please, why don't you just leave her alone. Look, Caroline has some standards, something you both have learned to live without.

  Caroline : Well, thank you, Richard.

  Richard : Of course, if you really had standards you wouldn't have done anything that disgusting in the first place. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

• Shelly : [turning off TV]  I love that movie. You know what? We're kind of like Kermit and Miss Piggy, too, aren't we? Okay, now they take Manhattan!

  Richard : That's it. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

  [picks his nose] 

  Shelly : Richard!

  Richard : Shelly, oh, Shelly, I understand if you're totally disgusted and you never want to see me again.

  Shelly : No. That tells me that we are comfortable enough to do these things in front of each other. I'm going to go get my toenail clippers.

  Richard : Ahhh!

• Caroline : You know, I'm gonna let that go. Because you're the birthday boy. Now. I couldn't decide whether to buy you something like a sweater, or get you a check.

  [picks up gift] 

  Caroline : But I decided checks are just so impersonal so happy birthday, Richard.

  [opens paper] 

  Richard : Great, just what I needed. Every year, another

  [pulls out check] 

  Richard : A check?

  Caroline : I decided impersonal was more you.

• Caroline : You know, Aunt Mary, since the railroads, we can get foodstuffs in New York.

  Aunt Mary : Don't sass your Auntie. Oh, Richard, thank you so much.

  [hands him a coin] 

  Aunt Mary : This is for you.

  Caroline : You know, you don't have to tip Richard.

  Richard : Don't sass your Auntie.

• Richard : How could anyone not like the opera. Opera is transcendent. It is the most intense musical experience a person can have.

  Caroline : Plus you get to wear those neat, long gloves!

  Richard : You know, I'm certain that's what Mozart had in mind when he wrote The Marriage of Figaro. 'Oh, goodie, now women can accessorize!'

• Richard : She just stopped by to remind me that my life is an endless purgatory, interrupted by profound moments of misery.

  Caroline : It's been a while since I've heard the phrase 'unending purgatory.' Welcome back.

• Charlie : What flavor do you think I am? Don't cheat.

  Richard : Lobotomy chunk?

• Caroline : Richard, why are you so nervous? Donna's gone.

  Richard : Caroline, I spent the afternoon with a mobster's girlfriend and she was naked. They cut off your tongue if you squeal. God only knows what they cut off for this.

• Annie : Oh oh, and I met a guy. Rob Rothman.

  Caroline : Wow. What's he like?

  Annie : I have no idea. I was hoping you would remember him.

  Caroline : Wait, you know his name but you don't remember what he looks like?

  Richard : Oh, interesting variation. Usually she remembers what they look like and can't remember their names.

  Annie : Well, I guess I had a tad too much punch.

• Richard : Would ya look at that, Salvador Dali actually wrote my name. Why didn't she tell me?

  Annie : In case you missed the point of the letter, he said you sucked.

• Richard : Mother . . .

  Natalie Karinsky : Richard I am so glad you came by before I left.

  Richard : You can do it to your kids, you can do it to Dad, but you cannot do it to Caroline.

• Natalie Karinsky : Oh, she's a doll. Are you two . . .?

  Richard : Windshield Wipers?

• Richard : Is she gone yet?

  Caroline : Yeah, Richard, she left.

  Annie : Give your mommy a kiss . . . it hurts to talk like that.

• Richard : I scream, you scream, may I help you?

• Annie : Richard, you've met my mother.

  Richard : Ah, yes of course, charmed. Rosemary's Mother.

• Richard : Yeah, hold on just a minute. Fruma Duffy, it's for you. It's the bridegroom.

• Annie : Happy birthday, Tightass!

  Richard : Thanks a lot, Tart.

• Richard : So, you're jealous of this guy.

  Del : No, I just don't like the idea of a good-looking guy out with my girlfriend.

  Richard : I know someone who's getting a dictionary for Christmas.

• Del : Here, Richard, have a mug.

  Caroline : Don't drink out of it though.

  Richard : That's the story of my life.

• Richard : No wonder Van Gogh cut off his ear.

• Richard : If I'd have known company was coming, I would have emptied the traps.

• Annie : I'm getting audited by the IRS!

  Richard : Oh, goodie, Santa got my letter.

• Del : When Caroline and I were going together, I slept over 7 nights a week!

  Richard : Difference is, he doesn't sleep.

• Richard : Oh yes. It's always been a dream of mine to get soggy in milk.

  Annie : I got news for you, bud . . .

• Caroline : Hey, Richard, how was your New Year's Eve?

  Richard : Oh, sublime. Scott and Zelda and I shared a cab over to the Stork Club where we drank pink champagne out of Zelda's slipper.

  Caroline : You know, a simple "I stayed in" would have sufficed.

• Del : You're Jewish. Can't you help me out?

  Richard : What, you want me to stand outside her window and be your Cyrano de Berkowitz?

• Annie : What are you doin'?

  Richard : I'm going home. The same thing you do after you get out of bed and find your clothes.

• Richard : For one brief, shining moment the universe finally made sense!

• Richard : Remain calm, because I'm going to kill you.

• Richard : This is intolerable!

  Annie : Ohh! SAT word. I'm out of here.

• Caroline : I'm not a crier!

  Richard : Spend a year on this side of the desk.

• Del : Her name is Risa Glickman. Doesn't that sound like music?

  Richard : Yeah, if you're between stations.

• Del : Richard, tell me this operation doesn't hurt.

  Richard : How should I know? I was 8 days old. I was still rejecting my mother's breast.

• Richard : Do you feel a draft? . . . up my butt?

• Richard : Caroline, we've talked about this before, and I'll see a therapist when I'm good and ready!

• Richard : Oh boy, oh boy, no, no, no, no, please, don't cry. I-I don't respond well to people crying.

  Maddie : Well, thank you for sharing, but this really isn't about you.

• Richard : Joe, I'm not above kicking you.

• Richard : You could just say Russian names until my ears bleed.

  Caroline : Then what would we do for New Year's?

• Richard : There's a form in this marble that I'm trying to liberate and I'm just waiting for it to speak to me.

  Caroline : Maybe you should buy it dinner.

• Caroline : You took a leap.

  Richard : If you tell me to turn my frown upside down, I swear I'm gonna vomit.

• Caroline : What's wrong with me?

  Richard : Other than the fact that you qualify as an open container?

• Richard : You want some coffee? What am I talking about, I don't have any coffee. How about some brown water?

  Caroline : I love brown water.

• Caroline : I remember the last time I wore those pumps, I was at Joe's, and we were playing twister, and I was on top . . .

  Richard : Please don't finish that sentence.

• Ice Cream Guy : And do you know what I'm going to have to say?

  Richard : That I broke Mr. Juicy?

  Ice Cream Guy : Yeah!

• Richard : I've discovered a delightful thing about winter in New York. When a bum throws up on you, you can chip it off.

• Richard : Annie has a sister. Ecchh! That's like finding out there was a Chuck Hitler.

• Richard : Because then he'll want to get back together but I'll have to tell him we're not getting back together but I can't do that over the phone so I'll have to go over there and then we will get back together because I'm spineless and completely co-dependent!

  [Caroline gives him a strange look] 

  Richard : I'm sorry, I just made that last part up.

  Caroline : No, it's good, keep it.

• Richard : This is ridiculous. I'm taking my lunch break. Del, I don't want any part in this.

  Del : Oh come on, Richard.

  Richard : Back off. gentile.

• Richard : Look, Caroline, I'm not ashamed of being straight. In this day and age, I should be able to walk into that gallery with a woman on my arms and not feel like I'm being stared and gawked at like some sideshow freak.

• Richard : Uh, does anybody tell the women about these rules?

  Johnny : Do you tell a football what time the game is? Come on!

• Caroline : Richard, what could you possibly have against cereal? Don't you watch the commercials? It's part of a complete breakfast.

  Richard : So is sand, as long as the other part is actual food.

• Annie : There's no such word as dummo!

  Richard : And what language employs the usage of the word freako?