Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994)
John Larroquette: Laurence Van Dough
Photos
Quotes
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[having forced Richard Sr. and Regina to open Mount Richmore, Van Dough finds that instead of money, it contains... baby pictures, comic books, baseball cards, finger paintings, and other bric-a-brac!]
Van Dough : This is incredible! This is amazing! This is -...
[gets disillusioned]
Van Dough : This is... this is junk!
Regina Rich : [they both look insulted] Junk?
Van Dough : Bronze dog bones? What - Accordions? Baby pictures, tricycles, kites...
[picks up a]
Van Dough : Bowling trophies?
Richard Rich Sr. : Oh, do you remember that, darling?
Regina Rich : Our first date!
Van Dough : What is all of this crap?
Regina Rich : These are our priceless possessions!
Van Dough : Where are the gold bars... the diamonds... the negotiable bearer bonds? The money!
[points his gun at them]
Van Dough : WHERE'S THE MONEY?
Richard Rich Sr. : In banks, where else? And the stock market, real estate...
Van Dough : No! Is this some kind of joke? You're telling me there's not one single solitary gold bar, or emerald, or $1,000 bill in this *entire mountain*?
Richard Rich Sr. : Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lawrence, but that's not what we treasure.
Van Dough : [to Ambler] Shoot them! Shoot them now, please!
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Van Dough : I'm all in favor of charity, sir. But your donations are costing the corporation $1 billion a year, and I think it's time we asked ourselves: What are we getting for it?
Regina Rich : [incredulous] What are we getting for it? Why, we're getting food banks, medical clinics, shelters for the homeless-!
Richard Rich Sr. : Now, Regina, calm down! It's my job to keep an eye on the bottom line.
Van Dough : Which is why I have to oppose the United Tool acquisition. We should be getting rid of dead weight, not acquiring more.
Richard Rich Sr. : I agree. That's why I am getting rid of United Tool...
Regina Rich : Richard! All those people and their jobs!
Van Dough : That is brilliant. I should've thought of it myself. We buy the company in bankruptcy, level the factories...
Richard Rich Sr. : No, I'm keeping the factory open.
Van Dough : Then we go in and bust the unions, slash benefits, and after that sell the company. Right?
Richard Rich Sr. : No. We give it away.
Van Dough : [bangs his hand down on the table, and snaps his finger] We git it a - -
[suddenly looks despaired]
Van Dough : We give it away.
Richard Rich Sr. : Absolutely! We modernize it, of course, and retool. Then we turn the factory over to the workers.
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Richard Rich Sr. : [singing the passcode to open the family vault] We ain't got a barrel of money.
Regina Rich : Maybe we're ragged and funny.
Richard Rich Sr. , Regina Rich : But we'll travel along-singing our song-side by side.
Vault Security System : Code accepted.
Van Dough : Thank you, Beavis and Butthead.
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Van Dough : [while interrogating Professor Keenbean] You told me what this machine can do to a person. How'd you like to spend the rest of your life as a bedpan?
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[In the boardroom, Van Dough checks his watch and looks towards the door as everyone applauds Richie]
Richie Rich : And when my father gets back, I'm sure he'll be really happy to see what we've done while he was gone. The profits from every division have gone up on a record-breaking rise.
[everyone applauds but stop as the detective and several policemen storm in]
Ferguson : It doesn't give you the right--!
Detective : I'm sorry, but this is official police business! Herbert Cadbury!
Herbert Cadbury : [steps forward] Yes?
Detective : You're under arrest.
Herbert Cadbury : I beg your pardon?
Richie Rich : What is this?
[the police handcuff Cadbury]
Van Dough : [stands up] Officers, you can't just burst in here. What is the meaning of this?
Detective : We received an anonymous tip and searched the Rich Mansion. Bomb parts, detonation devices, found in Herbert Cadbury's room.
Herbert Cadbury : That's perposterous.
Detective : You're under arrest for the murder of Richard and Regina Rich.
Herbert Cadbury : I don't know what you're talking about.
[Cadbury is taken away]
Richie Rich : Wait! Cadbury!
Herbert Cadbury : [looks back] Don't worry, Master Richie, I'm sure it's a mistake.
[Ferguson grabs Richie]
Richie Rich : Cadbury! Cadbury!
Ferguson : Richie, the police have him now. Best stay here.
[Richie watches sadly as Cadbury is taken away]
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Van Dough : [to his long-suffering secretary, who's been rubbing his temples] No, clockwise. I said, massage CLOCKWISE. Migranes are bad enough without your incompetence. Get out!
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Professor Keenbean : [taped to a chair] AAAH!
[Ferguson rams Keenbean into wall and starts choking him]
Van Dough : [eating Keenbean's sandwich] Come on, Professor, play nice. You think I'm enjoying this?
Professor Keenbean : [gagging] Yesss.
