Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994)

Herbert Cadbury : Excuse me, sir. It's a telephone call, from the President.

Richard Rich Sr. : Which country?

Herbert Cadbury : This one, sir.

Richard Rich Sr. : Probably needs another loan.

[Cadbury has just made a break from jail, and is reunited with Richie]

Richie Rich : Cadbury?

Herbert Cadbury : Richie! Oh, thank God, I've been worried sick...!

[they hug each other]

Herbert Cadbury : I do beg your pardon, sir. All that emotion. Quite out of order. Got caught up in the moment.

Richie Rich : Cadbury?

Herbert Cadbury : Yes, sir?

Richie Rich : Shut up!

Herbert Cadbury : Thank you, sir.

Herbert Cadbury : [after having soundly decked the huge hulking assassin] NEVER --- mess with a man with --- sensitive --- TEETH!

Richard Rich Sr. : How do you put up with me, Regina?

Regina Rich : Well, you do have $70 billion.

Richard Rich Sr. : Is that the ONLY reason?

Regina Rich : [she lightly gives him a smooch] No. You also have a **cute butt**.

[she walks away sensually, and he looks embarrassed, and then chuckles]

Richard Rich Sr. : Hey, Cadbury, did you hear that?

Herbert Cadbury : [valiantly trying to maintain his supreme dignity and keep a straight face, while also feeling very awkward to be discussing --- or even a party to --- such a crude topic] Indeed, sir. Madam admires your BUTT. I'm most dee-LIGHTed for you.

[last lines]

Richard Rich Sr. : I must say, Regina, now our son really *is* the richest boy in the world.

Regina Rich : He has *friends.*

[CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE]

Regina Rich : ... And in about half a year, he'll have something else that money can't give him, but *we* can.

Richard Rich Sr. : [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE] Oh? Whatever might *that* be?

Regina Rich : [lightly pats her belly] ... A baby sister.

Herbert Cadbury : [Richard beams - as does Cadbury, who has been looking on from behind, and who now turns to a nearby mirror] ... Well, old boy, here we go again.

Herbert Cadbury : Well... I'm already wanted for attempted murder, escaping from jail, and blowing up an aircraft. Breaking and entering sounds right up my alley. Let's kick some butt, shall we?

Diane Pazinski : Let's!

Ferguson : [after manhandling Richie] It's my duty to protect him.

Herbert Cadbury : Yes,very well, Mr. Ferguson, but if you grab him like that again, it is YOU who will need protecting.

Pee-Wee : Hey, man, just checking out your crib here.

Richie Rich : My crib?

Herbert Cadbury : I believe that's street slang for home, sir, an idiom.

Omar : Who you callin' an idiom?

Herbert Cadbury : Thank heavens! My teeth wear starting to grow fur.

[hums as he nearly brushes his teeth with Keenbean's super-corrosive "toothpaste", then notices the toothbrush sizzlingly melting and drooping in his hand]

Herbert Cadbury : Oh! Talk about extra-strength tartar control.

Diane Pazinski : You got a first name?

Herbert Cadbury : Of course.

Diane Pazinski : And?

Herbert Cadbury : [pause] Herbert.

Diane Pazinski : Herb!

Herbert Cadbury : No, it's HERBERT. I'm not a seasoning.

Herbert Cadbury : [the gang has managed to hit Nash with a bag of manure, knocking him out, and Cadbury speaks into it with a gruff voice, to try to cover up the situation] Yeah, this is Nash. False alarm. Everything's slicker than the snot on a doorknob.

[the kids roll their eyes]

Herbert Cadbury : I heard it in prison.

TV Guard : Roger that.

TV Guard : [to himself] I think those Twinkies are starting to rot his brain.

Prison Lowlife : Welcome to your worst nightmare.

Herbert Cadbury : [gulps in frightened anticipation of what he thinks will be something terrible and violent]

Prison Lowlife : [ominously reveals a hand of cards, then smugly and confidently places a card on the table in front of him, unaware that Cadbury is a whiz at cards]

Herbert Cadbury : [in a relieved cheerful tone] Ohhh...!

[holds up a strong/winning hand of cards]

Herbert Cadbury : Gin!

Prison Lowlife : [rolls his eyes and scrunches up his face in total frustrated fury at his failure to win the game or intimidate Cadbury, then turns abruptly and batters his head violently against the metal-bar wall of his cell, giving a scream of maniacal rage each time his forehead hits the wall] Ahhwwwwh... YUH! YUH! YUH! YUH! YUH! YUH! YUH!

Herbert Cadbury : [twisting his mouth gently and speaking in a quiet tone of sarcastic sympathy at the bully's cry-baby behavior] Ohhhh... I'm sorrrrrrry...

Diane Pazinski : [after Herbert pulls Diane close against his body to save her from being run over by the four-wheeling children] Do I detect a rising fire sign, Herbert?

Herbert Cadbury : [Embarrassed pause] You, Diane,

[sigh]

Herbert Cadbury : are a Capricorn.

Diane Pazinski : Hey, how did you know that?

[Richie wants to play baseball with Gloria's sandlot-team]

Richie Rich : Come on. Let me hit.

Gloria : Forget it; you probably couldn't even hit a BEACH BALL!

Richie Rich : I could hit it off of YOU.

Gloria : [insulted] All right - You think you're so hot? Put your money where your mouth is!

Richie Rich : You mean bet?

Tony : Yeah. $5 says she could put you away for keeps.

Gloria : $5? How about $10?

Richie Rich : Okay - Seems a little steep, but $10 thousand it is.

[He whips it out, and they all freak out]

Gloria : No, not $10 thousand. Ten **dollars**.

Richie Rich : Oh, $10. Okay.

Herbert Cadbury : Master Richie, I do think it unseemly in the extreme for you to take these - children's money.

Gloria : What are you doing, Mr. Fancy Pants? Asking the old guy for batting tips?

Herbert Cadbury : [insulted] Take their backsides to the cleaners, Master Richie.

Herbert Cadbury : ...Sir, your Latin tutorial has been moved back an hour; that gives you time for a spot of polo. Then on to your tax-law seminar. Oh, and this coming weekend, big treat: You and your parents are flying to London to take tea with Her Majesty... Is something amiss, sir?

Richie Rich : [unhappy] First, my friends are too busy to hang out with me... And now, *I'M* too busy to hang out with me.

Herbert Cadbury : [Richie prepares to introduce himself to Gloria and her sandlot-baseball team] You can't play with THESE children. I must protest!

Richie Rich : Cadbury, CHILL. I'll be fine.

Herbert Cadbury : But they probably haven't even been VACCINATED!

Herbert Cadbury : Come along sir, you mustn't keep your personal trainer waiting.

Richie Rich : [getting out of bed] Tell Arnold I really don't feel like excercising today.

[Cadbury clears his throat, and in walks in Claudia Schiffer. Richie's mouth drops open]

Aerobics Instructor : I hope you don't mind, but Arnold cancelled. So I'll be filling in. My name is Claudia.

Richie Rich : Yikes!

[Wiggles his eyebrows. They start doing some basic excercises, and Richie and Cadbury are watching her]

Richie Rich : Cadbury, about Arnold...

Herbert Cadbury : Arnold's history, sir.

Aerobics Instructor : [She bends over, and the two men are mesmorized] All the way back down, stretch and back up.

Richie Rich : [looking up somewhat uncertainly at the enormous tall Rich Industries office building towering up in front of him] I'm not sure if I can go through with this, Cadbury.

Herbert Cadbury : Just remember these words, Master Richie - - "You have the power of your father inside you."

Richie Rich : You mean, like, "Trust the force, Luke"?

Herbert Cadbury : [maintaining his debonair composure even though he is a bit dismayed to have his elegantly-worded example "degraded" by having it merely compared to a quote in a science fiction movie] "Pree-cisely, sir!"

Diane Pazinski : I hope you didn't go to much trouble, you know, with the food and all.

Herbert Cadbury : Not at all Madam, I've prepared a simple yet elegant menu: Consommé, fruits de mer, poulet, pommes dauphonoise AND... A bombe surprise!

Diane Pazinski : Mmmm... Sounds delicious

Herbert Cadbury : However, Master Richie was of the opinion that his young guests deserve a break today.

[Opens door to reveal a McDonald's]

[he finds a lonely Richie surveying their backyard from the balcony]

Herbert Cadbury : Excuse me, Master Richie. Sensing you were at a loose end, I've arranged for a little entertainment.

Richie Rich : I'm really not in the mood for the Vienna Boys' Choir today, Cadbury. Thanks anyhow.

Herbert Cadbury : Sadly, the choir was unbelievable, sir. But I did make **other arrangements**.

Richie Rich : [watching Cadbury open the front door, and then staring in dumbfounded delight to see the sandlot-kids whom he'd earlier wanted to play with come spilling out of a station wagon] Wow ---! Thanks, Cadbury --- I owe you one!

Herbert Cadbury : [sniffs] Good grief! Manure?

Omar : Hey, it's all we could find!

Herbert Cadbury : Very well. Load.

Richie Rich : [into walkie-talkie] I'm in position. You guys almost ready?

Herbert Cadbury : [sniffs, into walkie-talkie] Eminently.

Herbert Cadbury : [in a tone of disgust and indignation as he and the rest of Richie's group are being herded into the molecular reorganizer] After all that this family has done for you, and this is how you behave?

Ferguson : [in a lightly-casual sarcastic tone] Well, yeah, so I guess I won't be getting that EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR AWARD, after all, eh?

Richie Rich : [seeing his gentle dignified friend clad in the would-be hitman's hideous punk-biker's costume of glossy black fabric imprinted with hundreds of tiny white human skulls] You know, Cadbury, that get-up really doesn't go with your personality.

Herbert Cadbury : Yeah, I know. I was lucky to be able to hold onto my own underwear.

Diane Pazinski : [seeing Cadbury disguised as the hoodlum] Whoa, look who's slummin'!

[In the boardroom, Van Dough checks his watch and looks towards the door as everyone applauds Richie]

Richie Rich : And when my father gets back, I'm sure he'll be really happy to see what we've done while he was gone. The profits from every division have gone up on a record-breaking rise.

[everyone applauds but stop as the detective and several policemen storm in]

Ferguson : It doesn't give you the right--!

Detective : I'm sorry, but this is official police business! Herbert Cadbury!

Herbert Cadbury : [steps forward] Yes?

Detective : You're under arrest.

Herbert Cadbury : I beg your pardon?

Richie Rich : What is this?

[the police handcuff Cadbury]

Van Dough : [stands up] Officers, you can't just burst in here. What is the meaning of this?

Detective : We received an anonymous tip and searched the Rich Mansion. Bomb parts, detonation devices, found in Herbert Cadbury's room.

Herbert Cadbury : That's perposterous.

Detective : You're under arrest for the murder of Richard and Regina Rich.

Herbert Cadbury : I don't know what you're talking about.

[Cadbury is taken away]

Richie Rich : Wait! Cadbury!

Herbert Cadbury : [looks back] Don't worry, Master Richie, I'm sure it's a mistake.

[Ferguson grabs Richie]

Richie Rich : Cadbury! Cadbury!

Ferguson : Richie, the police have him now. Best stay here.

[Richie watches sadly as Cadbury is taken away]

Herbert Cadbury : Remember this, you have the power of your father inside you.

Richie Rich : Sort of like "trust the force, Luke?"

Herbert Cadbury : [maintaining his debonair composure even though he is a bit dismayed to have his elegantly-worded example "degraded" by having it merely compared to a quote in a science fiction movie] "Pree-cisely, sir!"

Diane Pazinski : Are you a Sagittarius?

Herbert Cadbury : No, Madam.

Diane Pazinski : Pisces.

Herbert Cadbury : No, Madam.

Diane Pazinski : Leo!

Herbert Cadbury : No, I'm a Taurus.

Diane Pazinski : I knew it! The bull...

Herbert Cadbury : [sigh] Correct, Madam.

Herbert Cadbury : You, Diane, are a Capricorn.

Diane Pazinski : Hey! How did you know that?