- Parry: Did you ever hear the story of the Fisher King?
- Jack Lucas: No.
- Parry: It begins with the king as a boy, having to spend the night alone in the forest, to prove his courage so he can become king. Now, while he's spending the night alone, he is visited by a sacred vision. Out of the fire appears the Holy Grail, symbol of God's divine grace. And a voice said to the boy, "You shall be keeper of the Grail, so that it may heal the hearts of men." But the boy was blinded by greater visions of a life filled with power, and glory, and beauty. And in this state of radical amazement, he felt for a brief moment not like a boy, but invincible - like God... so he reached into the fire to take the Grail, and the Grail vanished, leaving him with his hand in the fire, to be terribly wounded. Now as this boy grew older, his wound grew deeper. Until one day, life for him lost its reason. He had no faith in any man - not even himself. He couldn't love, or feel loved. He was sick with experience. He began to die. One day, a fool wandered into the castle, and found the king alone. And being a fool, he was simple-minded; he didn't see a king. He only saw a man alone, and in pain. And he asked the king, "What ails you, friend?" The king replied, "I'm thirsty - I need some water to cool my throat." So the fool took a cup from beside his bed, filled it with water, and handed it to the king. As the king began to drink, he realized his wound was healed! He looked in his hands, and there was the Holy Grail, that which he sought all of his life. And he turned to the fool and said with amazement, "How can you find that which my brightest and bravest could not?" And the fool replied, "I don't know. I only knew that you were thirsty."
- Parry: There's three things in this world that you need: Respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
- Anne Napolitano: I don't believe that God made men in his image. 'Cause most of the shit that happens is because of men. No, I think man was made in the Devil's image. And women were created out of God. 'Cause after all, women can have babies, which is kind of like creating. And which also accounts for the fact that women are so attracted to men... 'cause let's face it... the Devil is a hell of a lot more interesting! I've slept with some saints in my day, and believe me, I know what I'm talking about. So the whole point in life - the *whole* point of life, I think, is for men and women to get married... so that God and the Devil can get together - and work it out. Not that we have to get married or anything. God forbid.
- Jack Lucas: I don't mean to be flippant or to enrage you or anything, but you're a psychotic man.
- Parry: I know.
- Jack Lucas: A very nice psychotic man.
- Parry: Thank you.
- Jack Lucas: [drunk and talking to the Pinocchio doll] You ever read any Nietzsche? Nietzsche says there's two kinds of people in the world: people who are destined for greatness like Walt Disney... and Hitler. Then there's the rest of us, he called us "the bungled and the botched." We get teased. We sometimes get close to greatness, but we never get there. We're the expendable masses. We get pushed in front of trains, take poison aspirin... get gunned down in Dairy Queens.
- Crazed Video Customer: What I'm in the mood for is sort of a Katherine Hepburn-y/Cary Grant-y kinda thing. Nothing heavy; I couldn't take heavy. Something zany! I'm looking for something zany... or something modern would be fine, too, like a Goldy-Hawny, Chevy-Chasey kinda thing - you know, funny! I want to laugh. I have to laugh tonight, really. Oh, do you have anything with that comedian, he's on that show that's on the radio? You know, the guy who says, "Hey, forgive me!" I get such a kick out of the way he says that! He's so goddamn adorable! That would be perfect! Didn't he make a movie?
- Crazed Video Customer: [Jack tosses her a videotape] "Ordinary Peepholes."
- Jack Lucas: S'a big-titty, spread-cheeky kinda thing.
- Jack Lucas: [Parry is dancing around naked in Central Park] The man talks to invisible people, he sees invisible horses, and he's lying naked in the middle of Central Park. I should be surprised? I'm not surprised, I'm out of my *fucking* mind to even be here!
- Parry: Who are you talking to, Jack?
- Jack Lucas: [having had enough] I'm talking to the little people!
- Parry: Are they here?
- Jack Lucas: They're saying, "Jack, go to the liquor store, findeth the Jack of Daniels, that ye may be shitfaced, doo-lang, doo-lang!"
- Parry: They said that?
- Jack Lucas: [shouting frustratedly] You're out of your fucking mind!
- Parry: [happily] Bingo! Yeah! Come on, Jack. Free up the little guy. Let him flap in the breeze. Yo!
- Jack Lucas: Where would King Arthur be without Guinevere?
- Parry: Happily married, probably.
- Jack Lucas: Well, that's a bad... that's a bad example.
- Anne Napolitano: Didn't you say that what you liked about our relationship is that we didn't have to think? We could just be there for each other.
- Jack Lucas: Suicidal paranoiacs'll say anything to get laid.
- Disabled Veteran: Didja hear that Jimmy Nickles got picked up yesterday?
- Jack Lucas: Oh, yeah?
- Disabled Veteran: Yeah. He got caught pissin' on a bookstore. Man is a *pig*. No excuse for that.
- [lady drops coins in his cup]
- Disabled Veteran: Thank you, baby. It's social anarchy when people start pissing on bookstores.
- [man throws coins on the ground near his feet, which Disabled Veteran cannot reach]
- Jack Lucas: Asshole. He didn't even look at you.
- Disabled Veteran: He's payin' so he don't have to look. See... guy goes to work every day, eight hours a day, seven days a week. Gets his nuts so tight in a vice that he starts questioning the very fabric of his existence. Then one day, 'bout quitting time, Boss calls him into the office and says, "Hey Bob, whyncha come on in here and kiss my ass for me, will you?" Well, he says, "Hell with it. I don't care what happens, I just want to see the expression on his face as I jab this pair of scissors into his arm."
- [sighs]
- Disabled Veteran: Then he thinks of me. He says, "Waitaminit. I got both my arms, I got both my legs. At least I'm not begging for a living. Sure enough, Bob's gonna put those scissors down and pucker right up. See, I'm what you call kind of a "moral traffic light", really. I'm like sayin', "Red! Go no further! Boooo-ee boooo-ee boooo-ee..."
- Parry: What do you think of the death penalty?
- John the bum: Death is definitely a penalty! It ain't no fuckin' gift!
- [after their first date, Lydia believes that Parry will leave her like all the other men in her life]
- Lydia: I'm not feeling very well.
- Parry: Well, no wonder. We just met, made love and broke up all in the space of 60 seconds. I don't remember the first kiss, which is the best part.
- Lydia: It was very special to meet you...
- Parry: [interrupting] It was for me too, but I think it's time you should shut up now. Shut up.
- [politely]
- Parry: Please? I'm not coming up to your apartment. That was never my intention.
- Lydia: You don't want to.
- Parry: Oh, no, I want to. I have a hard-on for you the size of Florida. But I don't want just one night. I have a confession I have to make to you.
- Lydia: You're married? You're divorced? You have a disease?
- Parry: No, please stop. I'm in love with you. And not just from tonight. I've known you for a long time. I know that when you come out from work and fight your way out that door. You get pushed back in, and then you come back out. I walk with you to lunch. It's a good day, if you stop and get that romance novel at that store. I know on Wednesdays, you go to that dim sum parlor. And I know that you get a jawbreaker before you go back into work. And I know you hate your job and you don't have many friends. Sometimes you feel uncoordinated and you don't feel as wonderful as everybody else. Feeling as alone and separate as you feel you are... I love you. I love you! I think you're the greatest thing since spice racks. I'd be knocked out if I could just have that first kiss. And I won't be distant. I'll come back in the morning. I'll call you, if you let me. But I still don't drink coffee.
- [taking all of this in, Lydia caresses Parry's face]
- Lydia: You're real... aren't you?
- [Parry and Lydia kiss. She then goes up the stairs to her apartment building]
- Lydia: Bye.
- [She tries to open the door]
- Lydia: It's the wrong door.
- [She opens the correct one and enters]
- Parry: [amused, chuckling to himself] She didn't even give me her number.
- Lydia: I have never been through a dating period.
- Anne Napolitano: It's a disgusting process. You haven't missed a thing.
- Jack Lucas: You're on the air, caller.
- Edwin: Hello, Jack, it's Edwin.
- Jack Lucas: Oh, it's Edwin! Edwin, we haven't heard from you in, what, a day? I've missed you.
- Edwin: I've missed you too, Jack.
- Jack Lucas: So, it's sunrise confession time, Ed, what've you got for us?
- Edwin: Um, I went to this bar, this very, you know, hard-to-get-into place called Babbitt's.
- Jack Lucas: Oh. Yeah, I know the place, it's one of those chic yuppie watering holes.
- Edwin: Well, I met this beautiful woman...
- Jack Lucas: [groans] Come on, now, Ed. If you start, uh, telling me you're falling in love again, I'm going to have to remind you of that time we made you propose to that, uh, checkout girl at Thrifty's that you liked so much, you remember her reaction?
- [door slamming is heard with woman screaming sound effects; Jack's crew make disgusted noises]
- Edwin: She was just a girl...
- Jack Lucas: Uh-huh.
- Edwin: ...this is a beautiful woman.
- Jack Lucas: Yeah, and "Pinocchio" is a true story. Ed, you're never going to get this tart to your dessert plate.
- Edwin: No, this is different...
- Jack Lucas: Edwin.
- Edwin: She likes...
- Jack Lucas: Edwi-- hey!
- [whistles]
- Jack Lucas: Hey! Edwin! Hey, c'mon now, I told you about these people, they only mate with their own kind, it's called "yuppie inbreeding". That's why so many of them are retarded and wear the same clothes. They're not human, they don't feel love, they only negotiate "love moments". They're evil, Edwin, they're repulsed by imperfection, horrified by the banal, everything that America stands for, everything that you and I fight for! They must be stopped before it's too late! It's us or them!
- Edwin: [quietly] OK, Jack.
- Jack Lucas: Alright. Well, it's been a thrill. As always, have a perfect day. Everyone here at the Jack Lucas Show says bye. This is Jack Lucas, so long, arrivederce; I'll be sending you a thought today as I lie in the back of my stretched limo having sex with a teenager of my choice, and that thought will be, "Thank God I'm me".
- Jack Lucas: What if some homophobic jogger runs by and kills us to get back at his father? "Jack Lucas, found dead next to a dead, naked man. The two were dead. His companion was naked." I hate it when they use the word: "companion." It's so insinuating. Probably boost the sales of my biography, though. The public has a fascination with celebrity murders that involve nakedness. Bastards.
- Parry: I'm surprised some man just doesn't come in here and snatch you up all for themselves.
- Anne Napolitano: *You're* surprised?
- [last lines]
- Parry: Goodnight, Manhattan! Say goodnight, Jack.
- Jack Lucas: Goodnight, Jack.
- Parry: [laughs]
- Parry: You have a great set of... dishes.
- Anne Napolitano: Jack, he's trying to start a con-vuh-sation...
- Jack Lucas: Then talk to him, he won't bite you.
- Anne Napolitano: You're not so invisible. You want a personality? Try this on for size: you can be a real bitch sometimes.
- Lydia: [Lydia begins to smile and starts laughing] Really...?
- Anne Napolitano: [smiling] Yeah!
- Lydia: [laughing] Wow!
- Anne Napolitano: I know, I know - it feels great!
- Anne Napolitano: [upon Lydia's arrival for a manicure] Can I get you something? Little coffee?
- Lydia: No.
- Anne Napolitano: Little tea?
- Lydia: No.
- Anne Napolitano: Little tequila?
- Jack Lucas: [on himself, and Parry] "Radio Personality Turns Screwball On Mission From God." I just hope that when they put me away, they find me a place right next to his.
- Lydia: How much?
- Jack Lucas: Well, you're a store member, so we could probably...
- Anne Napolitano: [firmly] Forty bucks.
- Anne Napolitano: You disappear, I'm worried sick! All I do is stay home and cook like a jerk!
- [camera pulls back, she's alone]
- Anne Napolitano: He's a son of a bitch.
- [starts crying]
- Jack Lucas: [Dumping her] Well, I think, now I know more...
- Anne Napolitano: Firstly, you don't know shit, okay? Secondly, what have we been doing here but time? I love you. Do you love me? You're not even going to give me that are you?
- Jack Lucas: We both got something out of this.
- Anne Napolitano: WHAT DID I GET? WHAT DID I GET that I couldn't have got any day of the week from a guy on the street with NO name?
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