Christina Applegate: Swell
Photos
Quotes
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[repeated line]
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : I'm right on top of that, Rose.
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Walter Crandell : [at the hospital with a broken leg] I fell off the roof!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : [glares at Kenny] What was he doing on the roof, Kenny?
Kenny Crandell : I don't know! I wasn't with him, but I should've been! I mean not on the roof, but I should've been keeping an eye on him, spending quality time with him, reading "Green Eggs and Ham" to him or some shit like that.
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Rose Lindsey : Why don't you go on home, have a glass of wine and put some cucumber slices on your eyes, you'll feel much better.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Well, I'm all out of cucumbers.
Rose Lindsey : Sue Ellen, every girl over 25 should have a cucumber in the house.
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Rose Lindsey : Where is Carolyn?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Mouse-brown hair, gives you a headache? Talks like she's chewing her face?
Rose Lindsey : That's her.
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : I am NOT working at the big top from hell for pocket money. My mother's out of town for a while and I've got my brothers and sister to feed. And nobody's going to hire a teenager to do anything that's not disgusting. Why can't I get a job at some nice clean office?
Bryan : Why don't you just quit?
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : You have spent over $3,000?
Zach Crandell , Kenny Crandell , Melissa Crandell , Walter Crandell : [sheepishly look at her]
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : You're grounded! You are ALL grounded! How could you steal from me?
Kenny Crandell : Well, now, they didn't really steal. They "borrowed". They were just following your irresponsible example.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Oh, shut up, Kenny! I am in deep SHIT!
Melissa Crandell : Quit your job. Get out while you can.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : I'm an embezzler. They're gonna throw me in prison.
Zach Crandell : Nah, the judge will probably go easy on you considering that you're a minor.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : I'm not gonna give up. I'll keep working. I'll... work overtime if I have to. A few more paychecks, I'll be able to put it back and no one's gonna know, right? I'm innocent!
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Rose Lindsey : Sue Ellen, have you ever had a 48-hour orgasm?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : No, I've never been to Santa Barbara.
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Did you burn something?
Kenny Crandell : Yeah, well, maybe if you'd called and told me you were gonna be, like... 3 1/2 hours late, I could've planned my dinner better.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : I had to work late, OK?
Kenny Crandell : You still should've called. I sat and I waited. I went ahead and I fed the kids. I worked all day on that casserole.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Sorry.
Kenny Crandell : You haven't even said how nice the house looks. You're off at the office all day doing interesting office things. I'm stuck here cooking and cleaning and mowing the lawn, helping Melissa with her fastball, being a role model for Zach, spending quality time with Walter, and doing your party shit! You've got the car and you don't even take me anywhere anymore. And when was the last time we went out to dinner together, huh? You know what, I'm sick and tired of not being appreciated!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : I appreciate you.
Kenny Crandell : Eat shit!
[storms away]
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : I don't believe this! I have to get up at 5:30 every morning so I can beat rush hour traffic into the city and go sit behind a desk for eight hours a day and miss Oprah Winfrey every day on my summer vacation. And then, I get to drive home in gridlock IN A VOLVO with no air conditioning just so I can take care of you guys and put food on the damn table! Yes, life is a rat race and it sucks, Kenny! So what do you want, a medal?
[long pause]
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Oh come on, you don't have to do all this. I mean, I never asked you to Wisk the couch.
Kenny Crandell : Well, it needed it.
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Zach Crandell : It was petty cash, YOU were spending petty cash.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Zach, I bought a pair of boots and a magazine. You bought a home-entertainment center!
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Dr. Permutter : [about Kenny] Is he your son too?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : No, he's my stepson.
Kenny Crandell : Yeah, that's why we don't always get along.
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : One of us has to get a job.
Kenny Crandell : Well I'm not gonna.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Well we don't have a choice. We'll flip for it.
[takes out a fozen pizza]
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Mama Celeste face up, I go to work, Mama Celeste face down, you're selling carnations on a freeway off ramp.
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : [searching the house for the money] She must've had it on her!
Melissa Crandell : Well it's ours! Go back and get it from the old hag!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Oh yeah, we'll just go down there and say "excuse me, we left our money on our dead babysitter". No way!
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : You couldn't even mow the lawn today! You're worthless! I am doing EVERYTHING around here AND I'm trying to get ready for a date. When are you going to start helping me, you lazy little punk?
[slams door]
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : You have a lot of deliveries today?
Bryan : I am the stork of fast food.
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : God, I feel terrible. I should've been nicer to her. I should have cooperated.
Kenny Crandell : Yeah, she was a great babysitter.
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Look, we are a family of felons. Our summer freedom's going to be a winter prison unless I get some help around here. I want the house spick-and-span by Saturday night or I'm turning us all in. Are you with me?
Kenny Crandell : Guys, what do you say?
Walter Crandell , Zach Crandell , Melissa Crandell : Yeah.
Kenny Crandell : Yeah? Come on, guys, what do you say?
Walter Crandell , Zach Crandell , Melissa Crandell : YEAH!
Kenny Crandell : YEAH! We're with you, Sue, ROCK AND ROLL!
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Bryan : I'd respect your privacy more if you weren't so secretive.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Well I'd tell you more if you didn't want to know so much.
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Melissa, it was your turn to take out the trash this week.
Melissa Crandell : Well I couldn't fit it into my schedule.
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Carolyn : River Ridge Hospital is on line for you, it seems there's been an emergency with your son.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Oh!... My son!
Rose Lindsey : Your son?
Gus : Your son?
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Go get that tape-measure thing out of the garage.
Kenny Crandell : Will you stop ordering us around? You're not the babysitter.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : That's right, Kenny. The babysitter is dead. So just do it!
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Zach Crandell : We told you to talk to her. We didn't want you to send her to the glue factory.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : I didn't kill her, Zach. She died in her sleep.
Melissa Crandell : Probably choked on her whistle.
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Kenny Crandell : Um... what should we do with her body?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Call an ambulance, call the cops, I don't know. Well... I mean they're gonna come and get her and they're gonna ask us a lotta questions...
Kenny Crandell : They'll probably blame us.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : [scared of the thought] They'll definitely call Mom!
Melissa Crandell : SHE'LL blame us.
Kenny Crandell : Yeah, she'll hop the next flight home and then be in our faces.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : I don't want Mom to come home.
Zach Crandell : I don't either.
Melissa Crandell : No way.
Walter Crandell : Me too.
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Kenny Crandell : This place is a crock! We're never gonna make it through the summer. Man, I'm gonna hold up at Lizard's.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Oh, that's real brotherly of you Kenny. Always taking the easy way out. Don't you have any pride?
Kenny Crandell : No.
Melissa Crandell : I got an idea. When our food runs out, we can eat Elvis.
[the dog Elvis runs out of the room]
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Bryan : Not exactly your dream job, eh?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Got that right. You think I woke up this morning and said, 'Gee, I'd love to scrub fat vats! I'd love to smile and work with raw meat'?
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Kenny Crandell : What are we going to do for cash for the next two months?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : What about a garage sale?
Kenny Crandell : We live in the boonies.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : What about calling Dad?
Kenny Crandell : Dad doesn't care.
Zach Crandell : What about blackmailing Dad?
Melissa Crandell : What about donating blood? Don't they pay you for that?
Kenny Crandell : You have to be over 18.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : Well, there goes our great summer.
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Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : What do you want from me? You want me to call Mom back? Because I can.
Kenny Crandell : No.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : You want to call Aunt Pat or go crawling to one of Mom's semi-wretched friends?
Kenny Crandell : No!
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell : All right. We don't need a warden, we don't need somebody telling us when to eat and sleep and vacuum. We can still have a great summer, we just have to work together.
