- Female announcer: An important message from Mentor condoms.
- Condom Father: Dear son. The other day I was rummaging through your room. There was an odor coming out and I wanted to see if your hamster had died. Turned out to be just your old gym socks. Then I ran across a box of your favorite mementos. A four-leaf clover. A vending-machine photo of you and Sally. And a partially-used box of Mentor condoms. It made me proud to think that my son is one of those people who can have his cake and eat it too. Son, I'm proud of you and I'm proud of your choice of condoms. Love, Dad.
- City Psychiatrist: We're supposed to study emotions, not have them.
- Donald Becker: [to Laura] I love you passionately. From the first moment we met, I knew I aroused a powerful emotion in you. It was disgust, but I can build on that.
- Hendricks: [on "Baird's" radio program while taking a listener] Well, he said "balls", "asshole", "son-of-a bitch" and finally "fuck". We're OK on "balls", we're iffy on "son-of-a-bitch" and even "asshole" is somewhat anatomically potentially forgivable. But there's no getting around "fuck".
- [Burns has just thrown away Becker's medication]
- Donald Becker: I hope they have cable. I can't watch regular TV without drugs.
- Donald Becker: I know your sort. You're a malcontent, a misfit, someone who's never achieved shit in his life. Takes one to know one.
- John W. Burns, Jr.: OK, I can handle this.
- Lawrence Baird: What makes you think you're qualified? This time he's jumping, next time he might be pushing others. He is a menace to society!
- John W. Burns, Jr.: Only if he falls on somebody.
- Laura Rollins: I covered your ass.
- John W. Burns, Jr.: Why?
- Laura Rollins: Because I once thought it was cute.
- Stewardess: Sir? May I get your name please?
- John W. Burns, Jr.: Baird. Lawrence Baird. Doctor Lawrence Baird.
- Stewardess: Can I get you anything?
- John W. Burns, Jr.: A bag of macadamia nuts, all your available cheeses, a dozen strawberries in creme fraiche, and a double shot of Blackbush.
- Stewardess: On the strawberries?
- John W. Burns, Jr.: No, in a glass, neat. No ice. And I'll have the filet mignon, medium rare... and the duck... and the fish. Pillow, blanket, eye shades, a pair of...
- Donald Becker: [holding several doughnuts with straws inserted] If anybody wants a doughnut with no jelly, these are ready.
- John W. Burns, Jr.: [Talking to the hotel while on the way there in a limo] While you are at it send up a case of Millers on ice. And a pound of Beluga caviar.
- Laura Rollins: [Sarcastically] Do you think a pound will be enough?
- John W. Burns, Jr.: You're right. Better make that two pounds. And throw in some cheese puffs, too.
- Perry Kovin: Dr. Baird, the buses are already to go.
- John W. Burns, Jr.: Thanks, Perry, are you coming along?
- Perry Kovin: No, doc, I have too many things to do at the studio.
- John W. Burns, Jr.: Oh, come on along. I have some special seats up front for those who have a compulsive need to brown-nose. Come on, take a load off of those knees.
- Hendricks: He cares, that's the secret. It's in his voice. Do you know what that means to an advertiser?
- Donald Becker: Whoever wants the doughnuts without jelly, they're ready!
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