Violent Shit

What should I have expected from a movie that says, 'Experience a lesson in real BAD taste' and 'Expect the worst' on the front cover? Starring an actor called K. the butcher shitter and produced by the violent shitters? This was the debut of loud-mouthed German gore fiend Andreas Schnaaaaas. (!) A director that's renowned for releasing 'films' that would get banned in most countries for their titles alone. Shot on a camcorder, Violent Shit makes Nail Gun Massacre look like Spielberg helmed it in his spare time under a pseudonym. Seriously, this isn't a movie at all; it's more like an exercise in restraint. Sitting through the whole eighty minutes is like being locked in a room with Peewee Herman and not killing him. A task that, if completed, will prove a man's machismo so decidedly, that he will be able to walk proud for the rest of his life. If you've checked my review list, you'll see that I'm a forgiving fellow. I'd have to be, because I've seen some utter schlock in my life, but this wipes the existence of the worst of them from my memory. Quite how it went on to spawn three sequels is amazing, and how the crew behind the production was not imprisoned for some kind of breach of human rights was a further miracle. Still, I've started my review so I may as well tell you what left me so bemused.

The credits roll over a child playing in some woodland with a ball. He goes home and his mother threatens him, saying `You wait.Get in here' The door closes and we hear a somewhat leisurely scream. It looks as if the youngster killed his mum with a meat cleaver, because he comes outside splashed in blood with the weapon in his hand. Two decades later, the Police (or Polizei) are transferring the demented looking bogeyman to, erm. well, we don't ever learn; but thankfully an officer sums it up neatly for us. `Now we have to work overtime to bring these retards back to their holes!' I couldn't have put it better myself. I must comment on the security, which was questionable to say the least. I mean, is that how they transfer homicidal maniacs in Germany? In an Herby-esque camper van without any bars on the windows or dead locks on the door? Hmmm. Anyway, one of the coppers makes the fatal mistake of giving in to the call of nature and returns to find his buddies bloodily despatched surprisingly off screen. I thought the killer (we don't find out his name) was giving one of them a love bite, but I guess he was eating his neck! After shouting, `Stop you pig, or I'll shoot' (!) the final lawman meets his bloody end by a patently cardboard machete to the shoulder. His demise was undoubtedly his own fault for leaving such a deadly blade inside the van with a nut-job in the first place, but hey, I guess his rampage had to be kicked off somehow. Without going into the fact that this constabulary's methods for transferring psychopaths certainly needed a complete overhaul, let's just say that the butcher ends up roaming the countryside and killing everyone that he bumps into on his journey.

The plot's is as non-existent as anyone could expect it to be, he legs it around some Greenland, with a blade in his hand and a scar on his cheek(s) offing anyone that bumps into him. The first, a woman driving along listening to UB40's 'Red Red Wine' (has Schnaas been sued or did he buy the rites? - I very much doubt it!) breaks down, then gets thrown on the floor and her breast cut off. After some bizarre camera work involving the photographer spinning the camcorder in circles (yes, you'll get a headache!) a guy gets his penis chopped in half! All these are shot in unflinching close-up with paint-red blood spraying unconvincingly over the surroundings. Then an unfortunate vulgar speeched gardener gets cut in half with a hedge trimmer then his head is chopped in two! The final excuse for gratuitous gore that I'll tell you about (although there's plenty more throughout the eighty minute runtime), involves a woman getting split in half from the vagina upward. Then the killer (we still didn't learn his name) disembowels her, chucking her intestines, liver and every other organ that Schnaas could find a close replica for, - on the floor in front of the camera! I'm making this sound a whole lot better than it actually is, but keep in mind that the 'acting' is no less than ridiculous, the music is played separately from the (German - subtitled in English) dialogue (what do you expect from a camcorder) and the lighting stinks. At one-point things got all anti-religious when the nut-job sticks his head in, I guess what's supposed to be Jesus' stomach! We don't get an explanation on why there he is - the Son of God - stuck on a crucifix out in the middle of the woods! And the ending, oh yes the ending. What the hell?

There's loads of pointless padding, like endless driving sequences showing cars heading down long, boring roads that never amount to anything and there's some X-rated dialogue that brings about a giggle. I guess we can forgive some of the inconsistencies, seeing how this was made tongue in cheek to be consumed in the same manor, but to be honest, a lot of the pointless exploitation was a little too sickening and not in a good way. Schnaas really should have started himself a career in special effects, putting his clearly visible talents to use with more experienced filmmakers. But instead he goes on to make movies like this that will only appeal to gore hounds that are truly forgiving. What's left to say about Violent Shit? Is it Violent? Yes, very. But don't forget, it's also a steaming pile of. You get the picture.