- Vic: In light of Earl's feelings, I think it would be best if we left.
- Enid Keese: Oh, no, no. Sit down, sit down. Let's finish this magnificent meal. Don't worry about Earl. He'll get over his feelings.
- Vic: He spurned my sauce!
- Enid Keese: No, he loves your sauce. He's just jealous, he can't cook.
- Vic: We're waiting, or do I have to pound it out of you?
- Earl Keese: Don't ever speak to me like that in my own house!
- Vic: Why would I?
- Earl Keese: You just did.
- Vic: I didn't mean anything - it's just something a guy says.
- Earl Keese: I never say it.
- Vic: I don't blame you.
- Vic: Hey Earl, want some of your daughter's panties? They come in four flavors; banana, peach, mint and, of course, CHERRY.
- Earl Keese: Say, what does that say on your arm?
- Vic: [shows Earl his tattoo]
- Earl Keese: "Born to party."
- Vic: It's the way I live, babe. Here, have a cigar. Heheh.
- Ramona: He tried to pork me.
- Earl Keese: Pork you? What?
- Ramona: You know you did.
- Earl Keese: I swear, I never touched her.
- Ramona: Well, I wasn't born with your hand in my bush.
- Earl Keese: Enid... help me.
- Vic: [aiming a shotgun at Earl] Now you take back that cup you keep switching, Earl. Or it'll be pump city.
- Vic: Well, I can think of a problem that's a good deal more important and you, as a parent, are ignoring it completely.
- Earl Keese: What?
- Vic: What is Elaine doing about sex? Is she getting probed?
- Earl Keese: [throws coffee at Vic]
- Vic: That was very foolish, Earl. And it could get ya' snuffed!
- Vic: Stay here on the outer limits of the dead end zone? Nothing personal, but life at the end of the road just ain't for Captain Vic and Empress Ramona. Sorry folks, but you can color us gone.
- Vic: Old Earl here was worried about Baby.
- Enid Keese: Oh, he's no trouble at all. He's a perfect gentleman. You can leave him with me anytime you want.
- Vic: Don't worry, I will.
- Enid Keese: [to Earl] They spoil him awfully.
- Vic: Well, I want him to have every advantage I was denied as a young dog.
- Ramona: Now, I'm just going to go under the covers and take a little inventory. Promise you won't go away.
- Earl Keese: You're really wonderful!
- Ramona: That's what I've been trying to tell you. Is it so hard having your fantasies come to life?
- Vic: We might have had a wonderful relationship. But then, as Arthur Bremer once said: "How many things go right in this crazy world?".
- Earl Keese: I thought I'd be able to defend myself!
- Enid Keese: Not so loud, Earl.
- Earl Keese: What's the matter? Afraid we're gonna disturb the neighbors? These ARE the goddamn neighbors!
- Vic: Calm yourself, Earl. I'm not gonna take you to court. That'd make for bad blood. We don't want any bad blood, especially since we'll be living next door to you for a long, long time.
- Enid Keese: Vic, what did you say is in a pile driver?
- Vic: Italian Galliano for passion, Irish Mist for love and Russian vodka for endurance.
- [Earl is on the phone with Chic, the locksmith, and Vic is listening on the other line]
- Earl Keese: Hello, Chic? It's Earl.
- Chic: Earl! Earl who?
- Earl Keese: Hey, no jokes, will ya? I need the name of that locksmith you used that time. I broke a key off. I got two lunatics locked in my basement.
- Vic: [makes unintelligible noises]
- Chic: What? What did you say?
- Vic: [disguising voice] I said blow it out your ass, wimp.
- Chic: Is somebody on this line?
- Vic: Just you and me, asshole.
- Earl Keese: [to Enid] That bastard's on the phone!
- Chic: Well you called me, didn't ya?
- Earl Keese: Not you!
- Vic: Me!
- Earl Keese: Get off the line, Vic!
- Chic: Who's Vic?
- Earl Keese: He lives next door.
- Vic: Nobody lives next door, Earl!
- Chic: That's right!
- Earl Keese: Christ.
- Vic: Earl, have you been drinking?
- Chic: What the hell is going on?
- Earl Keese: Never mind, forget it!
- Vic: And don't ever call here again!
- [click]
- Pa Greavy: Well, I hear you got a whore in there.
- Earl Keese: Who told you that?
- Pa Greavy: That's what I heard.
- Earl Keese: Well, you heard wrong.
- Pa Greavy: You ain't got a whore in there?
- Earl Keese: No.
- Pa Greavy: Wouldn't know where I could find one?
- Earl Keese: Of course not!
- Pa Greavy: One shows up, let me know?
- Vic: And that is where you saw her mammae.
- Earl Keese: Her mammal?
- Vic: Her honkers, Earl.
- Earl Keese: She dropped the towel.
- Vic: Did she drop it, or did you psychically will it to fall?
- Ramona: I don't care about your weight or your false teeth.
- Earl Keese: I haven't got false teeth!
- Ramona: I'm sorry, I guess they just look false.
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