- Carl Spackler: What an incredible Cinderella story. This unknown comes out of nowhere to lead the pack. At Augusta, he's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away. He's going to hit about a two iron, I think. Well, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet, here at Augusta. The normally reserved Augusta crowd is going wild. For this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere, he's got about 350 yards left. He's going to hit about a five iron, l expect. Don't you think? He's got a beautiful back swing. That's - oh! He got all of that one! He's got to be pleased with that. The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's gonna - looks like he's got about an eight iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent. Cinderella story. Out of nowhere. A former greenskeeper now about to become the Master's champion. It looks like a miraculous - it's in the hole! It's in the hole!
- Carl Spackler: [10:35] So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
- Angie D'Annunzio: A looper?
- Carl Spackler: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
- Sandy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course!
- Carl Spackler: Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key...
- Sandy: Gophers, ya great git! Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents!
- Carl Spackler: We can do that... we don't even have to have a reason.
- Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
- Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
- Al Czervik: [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?
- Ty Webb: Don't be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.' He was a funny guy.
- Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
- [looks at Judge Smails, who's wearing the same hat]
- Al Czervik: Oh, it looks good on you though.
- Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
- Richard Richards: Better come in till this blows over.
- Bishop: What do you think, fella?
- Carl Spackler: I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite awhile.
- Bishop: You're right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
- [THUNDER]
- Al Czervik: Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
- Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
- [Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match]
- Judge Smails: Can I have a word with you? ln private?
- Ty Webb: Sure thing, Judge.
- Judge Smails: Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
- [Smails and Ty start to laugh]
- Ty Webb: Let's make it $40,000.
- Al Czervik: Hey, great!
- Ty Webb: [to a glaring Smails] You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.
- Al Czervik: Hey, loosen up, will ya? You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
- Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger... no, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips. I want...
- [gets cut off by Judge Smails, who grabs him by the arms and yanks him to their table]
- Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it!
- Carl Spackler: Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. A man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
- Judge Smails: Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.
- Spalding Smails: No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.
- Judge Smails: You're playing golf and you're going to like it.
- Spalding Smails: What about my asthma?
- Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.
- Carl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
- Ty Webb: For me, there's a subtle perfection in everything I do. I have my own standards, my own way. in everything I do. I've got my own standards, my own way.
- Lacey Underall: My uncle says you've got a screw loose.
- Ty Webb: Oh yeah? Your uncle molests collies.
- Ty Webb: You've got to win this hole.
- Danny Noonan: I kinda thought winning wasn't important
- Ty Webb: Me winning isn't. You do.
- Danny Noonan: Great grammar.
- Carl Spackler: [preparing to dynamite the gopher tunnel] In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'.
- Ty Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.
- Tony D'Annunzio: [carrying Czervik's golf bag] What do you got in here, rocks?
- Al Czervik: Are you kiddin'? When I was your age, I would lug fifty pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!
- Tony D'Annunzio: [puts down Czervik's bag, exasperated] So what?
- Al Czervik: So what?
- [opens compartment in golf bag, revealing radio]
- Al Czervik: So let's dance!
- [turns on Journey's "Any Way You Want It," high volume]
- Bishop: [as he misses a putt on the 18th hole during the thunderstorm] OH, RAT FART!
- [he holds up his club and is hit by lightning... Carl drops the golf bag and leaves him there]
- Carl Spackler: Your place got a pool?
- Ty Webb: We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond... Pond'd be good for you.
- Danny Noonan: I haven't even told my father about the scholarship I didn't get. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
- Ty Webb: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
- Danny Noonan: I notice you don't spend too much time there.
- Ty Webb: I'm not quite sure where they are.
- Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?
- Carl Spackler: Yeah, whatta ya think?
- Ty Webb: It's really... awful.
- Carl Spackler: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.
- Groundskeeper Sandy: Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off.
- Carl Spackler: I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.
- Judge Smails: You - you will never be a member of Bushwood!
- Al Czervik: A member? You think I actually want to join this scumatorium? The only reason I'm here is because I might buy it!
- Tony D'Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
- Bishop: You never ask a Navy man if he'll have another drink, because it's nobody's goddamned business how many drinks he's had already, right?
- Judge Smails: Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.
- Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks! My name's Fred and I'm a man, same as you.
- Judge Smails: You're not a man, you're a bishop, for God's sakes.
- Bishop: There is no God...
- [Caddy Danny arrives among the rich in his yachting outfit]
- Spalding Smails: Ahoy polloi... where did you come from, a scotch ad?
- Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
- Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
- Lacey Underall: [to Danny] Nice try.
- Ty Webb: So, what brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?
- Lacey Underall: Daddy wanted to broaden me.
- Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
- Danny Noonan: It's hard when you're talking like that.
- Judge Smails: Danny, I'm having a party this weekend.
- [pauses a beat]
- Judge Smails: How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?
- [Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches]
- Al Czervik: Hey 'Whitey,' where's your hat?
- [Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously]
- Al Czervik: ...let's go while we're young!
- Judge Smails: Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.
- Al Czervik: ...I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!
- Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
- [the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration]
- Al Czervik: Okay, you can owe me!
- Judge Smails: [mad] I owe you nothing!
- Tony D'Annunzio: [caddying for the elderly Havercamps... to Mrs. Havercamp] Your ball's right over there, go straight. You can't miss it. Mrs. Havercamp... Mrs. Haver... Mrs. Havercamp... you'll need this.
- [hands her her club]
- Mrs. Havercamp: Oh I might, at that!
- Tony D'Annunzio: Mr. Havercamp, your ball's right over there, sir.
- Tony D'Annunzio: [Havercamp puts hand out for club, Tony hands it to him as he attempts to shoot away from the green] No... Mr. Havercamp. The green's right over there, sir.
- Mrs. Havercamp: [knocking ball into the pond] Whee!
- Mr. Havercamp: That's a peach, hon! Oh, by golly... I'm hot today!
- [he slices it and it barely misses Tony's head]
- Ty Webb: Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny?
- Danny Noonan: No.
- Ty Webb: Take one good guess.
- Danny Noonan: Bob Hope?
- Ty Webb: Ha ha... No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.
- Al Czervik: [drops his bow anchor on Judge Smails' sailboat, sinking it] Hey, you scratched my anchor!
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