- [to a homely woman who's sizing him up for matrimony]
- Henry Moon: I wouldn't take you to a dog-fight if you was the defendin' champ!
- Henry Moon: Well! Anybody hungry?
- Big Abe: [deadpan] Hungry! Shit, I could eat a frozen dog.
- Henry Moon: Well, we'll go on out to the kitchen and see if we got one already froze.
- Sheriff Andrew Kyle: Julia, are you drunk?
- Julia Tate: Sheriff Kyle, you know I don't drink.
- Henry Moon: 'Course she don't drink!
- Henry Moon: Well, honey, at least we had some good old times together.
- Hermine, Moon's Old Gang: You was the best I ever had - except maybe that circus fella.
- Polty, Rail Road Manager: Unless I am advised otherwise, I'll be out to survey.
- Henry Moon: You know, Polty's just another way of sayin' chicken.
- Henry Moon: What? What? Towfield, I told you to keep these buzzards outta here.
- Deputy Towfield: Take it easy, Moon. You're lucky you're getting a decent hanging. I'd a done it out there on a scrub oak.
- Henry Moon: Goddamn vultures hangin' around here all morning.
- Deputy Towfield: They just want to take a gander at the man of the hour.
- Henry Moon: Yeah. Well, I'm flattered as hell.
- Henry Moon: You can't touch me! You thought you'd get the old man on the Moon? You Texas clown buzzards are a disgrace to the Confederacy.
- Julia Tate: I'll take him.
- Sheriff Andrew Kyle: Julia, what are you sayin'? He's an outlaw.
- Julia Tate: I assumed that's why you're hanging him.
- Sheriff Andrew Kyle: We got this ordinance here, it was passed after the Civil War, on account that a lot of our boys didn't come home - and the women was beginnin' to chew up the grass.
- Henry Moon: I feel sorry for the grass.
- Sheriff Andrew Kyle: I feel sorry for the women. Anyhow, this ordinance states that any man, short of a murderer, can be saved from the gallows by any property-holdin' female, providin' she decides to marry 'im. And they done that in Roman times too, as I recollect.
- Henry Moon: Sweet Jesus H. Christ Almighty!
- Henry Moon: I wanna tell you good people of Longhorn, especially you lovely ladies, that the old sayin', "You can't judge a book by its cover", it's true. It's true! Some books is all scruffed up on the outside, but when you turn around and look inside, why, the words is just - wonderful.
- Sheriff Andrew Kyle: Now, Mr Moon: No drinkin', no gamblin', no wife-beatin', no alley-cattin', what not nor what have you. You've got to mind her. If you try runnin', there'll be $500 on your head.
- Henry Moon: Well, look, I can get off right here as far as I'm concerned. Of course, a good husband's hard to find.
- Julia Tate: You weren't hard to find. You were standing in front of the whole town with a rope around your neck.
- Henry Moon: Yeah. You sure are a smart woman. I like smart women.
- Julia Tate: Sure you do.
- Henry Moon: [entering Julia's house] Well, it looks like the Opera House.
- Julia Tate: Please take your clothes off, Mr Moon.
- Henry Moon: God damn, I should've known. You can always tell a virgin on account of the whites of the eyes ain't clear. You see, I got this theory on virgins, that they always look peaked and grouchy on account of they're going against nature. I don't want to get calluses pattin' myself on the back, but, in my time I have put a gal or two in tune with nature.
- Julia Tate: I'm sure nature is *very* grateful.
- Henry Moon: How's about a little dessert? I said, how's about a little dessert?
- Julia Tate: I heard you the first time.
- Henry Moon: You didn't answer me the first time. Can I ask you a personal question? When was the last time you had a man?
- Julia Tate: I hope you don't mind confined spaces; because, tomorrow we start tunneling.
- Julia Tate: First, you'll begin crevassing, then cross-cut using the singular jacking method.
- Henry Moon: I ain't familiar with that particular method.
- Julia Tate: You pry away any loose rocks. Are you watching? Then you insert the drill. Like this. Then you use the sledgehammer. Simple.
- Henry Moon: Where's the gloves? My hands blister easy.
- Julia Tate: Better blisters than neck burns.
- Diane Haber: Since you've never been married before, we all thought we should have a little chat.
- Julia Tate: Do you prefer Orange Pekoe or Lapsang Oolong?
- Diane Haber: You see, a husband has certain rights.
- Mrs. Warren: And a wife has certain - duties.
- Lorette Anderson: And that's where the trouble starts.
- Mrs. Warren: Speak for yourself, Laurette.
- Henry Moon: You just go on trimmin' your wicks. I can do this all day long. I'm talkin' about *all* day long. All day long!
- Deputy Towfield: Why don't you go to the Mexican side of town, see what the beans is jumpin' on?
- Deputy Hector: Beans?
- Deputy Towfield: Beans.
- Lorette Anderson: I suppose what we're trying to say, Julia, is it's not as much of a chore as you may have heard. But, if it should become one, I have found that the best thing to do is just think about cannin' apricots.
- Julia Tate: Apricots?
- Lorette Anderson: Well, for some reason, apricots just seem to work best.
- Julia Tate: [singing while taking a bath] They may be bold maids till they die, And never feel their loss, My mother, mother says I mustn't, Oh, George, please George, not just yet, Mother says I mustn't, Mother says I mustn't, Oh George, please George, not just yet...
- Polty, Rail Road Manager: This is as difficult for me as it is for you, Julia. Do you know, a year ago last Christmas Eve, I had to move 150 Comanche souls off their sacred burial ground.
- Julia Tate: I know exactly how they felt.
- Julia Tate: The railroad's taking over my land under eminent domain.
- Henry Moon: Eminent domain. Ain't that where somebody bribes a state legislature to take away some poor folks' land?
- Polty, Rail Road Manager: I won't dignify that with an answer.
- Henry Moon: I ain't askin' for no dignification.
- Sheriff Andrew Kyle: What the hell d'you pick him up for, Towfield?
- Deputy Towfield: He was dressed up like a Mexican.
- Sheriff Andrew Kyle: You can't arrest a man for that.
- Deputy Hector: I told him!
- Henry Moon: Why'd you stop laughin'?
- Julia Tate: Oh, I don't know. Get to work.
- Henry Moon: I'd rather laugh.
- Julia Tate: That's all you like to do.
- Henry Moon: No. That ain't all I like to do.
- Julia Tate: I'm not in the mood. Huh-eh.
- Henry Moon: Uh-huh. Ooh-oh, nasty!
- Julia Tate: [tied to the bed] You wouldn't dare!
- Henry Moon: Well, I hadn't thought of it, but now you mention it, up in San Francisco, I seen some Chinese that done it this way. The Chinese is an old civilization. They understand things about pleasure that I've never even thought of. One thing for sure: we ain't had a borin' marriage.
- Henry Moon: Sonofabitch! I was right! All these years, them painted ladies knows how to 'ppreciate a man. They don't got unnatural questions. "How did it feel?" God dammit! I feel sorry for the poor sonofabitch - sonofabitch that winds up with you!
- Henry Moon: God damn! Oh, goddamn! Look at that, gold. Gold. It's all over everything.
- Julia Tate: Moon, I told you! Didn't I tell you?
- Henry Moon: Oh, honey, kiss me. I'm rich. God damn, I am rich! You wait long enough, and pretty soon down it's gonna come right on you. Like a wall full of Mexican teeth.
- Henry Moon: It's been quite a day. I'm a bit tuckered out. I think I'll take a poco siesta.
- Julia Tate: Oh, you don't have to sleep in the barn.
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