- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Tomorrow, we are poking holes all over caravan site.
- Prof. Roland Crump: I don't think they would like that at all.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: It's ok, we are poking early.
- [Fred Ramsden loses his Beach Ball and it ends up on Barnes' fire]
- Barnes: What you yelling about?
- Fred Ramsden: My ball's burning!
- Barnes: Don't stand so close to the fire.
- [Professor Vrooshka and Professor Crump bargain with Barnes to rent his derelict looking caravan]
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Fifteen quids a veek.
- Barnes: Twenty.
- Prof. Roland Crump: The only reason why we want the dilapidated mobile hovel, is for somewhere to do out operations.
- Barnes: Operations? What operations?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: He will be getting them out and I will be examining them and schticking labels on them.
- [Prof. Anna Vrooshka crashes into Prof. Crump's caravan]
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Good Mornings, so sorry!
- Prof. Roland Crump: Well that's alright, don't mention it.
- The Dean: Crump, I'd like you to meet Professor Vrooshka.
- [In a heavy Russian accent]
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: How are you doinks?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: I have been examining Hadrian's Walls.
- Prof. Roland Crump: He only had one.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: One what?
- Prof. Roland Crump: He had one, one wall.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Terribly sorry, my English not yet perfected.
- The Dean: I'm glad to see you two look like hitting it off.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Hitting it off, what does hit it off mean? Means like having it off, no?
- Prof. Roland Crump: Oh no, it means establishing a friendly relationship.
- [In a heavy Russian Accent]
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Don't worry me and Professor Crump will soon be having it off.
- Prof. Roland Crump: HITTING IT OFF!
- [in Fred Ramsden's Butcher Shop]
- Fred Ramsden: Hello Elss.
- Mrs. Rowan: Hello love, give us a bit of that for the old man.
- Fred Ramsden: Give that to your husband and you're in for a night of romance.
- Mrs. Rowan: Ooh, can I do it in the oven?
- Fred Ramsden: Do it where you like, it's your kitchen.
- Mrs. Rowan: Ooh!
- [Linda's mother brings her cacti on holiday with her]
- Linda Upmore: Mummy your not bringing them are you?
- Daphne Barnes: Well I can't leave them at home, they'll die.
- Arthur Upmore: Good.
- Daphne Barnes: Did you say something?
- Arthur Upmore: I said good, we've nearly finished packing.
- [Daphne asks the taxi driver who brought her plants to put them somewhere safe, but Arthur gets a prodd from the Cactus on his bottom]
- Daphne Barnes: Put that on the table will you?
- Arthur Upmore: AHH! BLOODY HELL!
- Daphne Barnes: Arthur, there is no need for that!
- Arthur Upmore: Oh deary me, bless me soul, I do believe I nearly said a rude word, which is not suprising since I nearly got a cactus spike right up my a...
- Daphne Barnes: ARTHUR!
- Prof. Roland Crump: You mean the students got here before us?
- Maj. Leep: Yes, were you held up?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Yes, before we started we had quick bang together.
- Prof. Roland Crump: She ran into my caravan!
- Maj. Leep: Oh?
- Prof. Roland Crump: No! No! She collided with it now its a complete right-off.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: It's ok we are squeezing in somehow.
- Prof. Roland Crump: We will do nothing of the sort!
- Prof. Roland Crump: We can't share a caravan.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: You thinking you getting crumpet, no?
- Prof. Roland Crump: Certainly not, where on earth did you learn that expression?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Crumpet, is to squash it, it is in dictionary, crumpet is to squash it together.
- Prof. Roland Crump: Oh! You mean cramped.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Its what I say crumpet.
- Prof. Roland Crump: Crumpet, crumbit, crampit, well I'm not staying round here much longer, I'm going to the pub to see if they have rooms there.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Maybe you're getting crumpet in pub also?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: So you are sleeping in caravan?
- Prof. Roland Crump: I suppose we could divide it up or something.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: H'ok, if you wishink.
- [Professor Vrooshka cleans her dirty caravan but finds her scrubbing brush isn't up to standard to do the job]
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Ahh, scrubber. Scrubber no working, borrowing from comrades.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Excuse please, ahh this is nice, this is very nice, no?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: In this caravan your not getting much crumpet, no?
- Arthur Upmore: Pardon?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: CRUMPET.
- Arthur Upmore: Yes that's what I thought you said.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: You see, I am keeping a, how you say, a dirrrty caravan.
- Arthur Upmore: Keeping a what?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: You see, I am having birds in my caravan you want to come and see?
- Arthur Upmore: No thank you, not just now.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Therefore, I am going round camp looking for scrubbers.
- Arthur Upmore: Really?
- [in the shower block, Linda Upmore tries to find her husband, Arthur]
- Linda Upmore: Oh I do beg your pardon, my husband has one just like yours.
- Joe Baxter: Hey?
- Linda Upmore: It's also creased and wrinkled.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: I'm sorry Major but I'm not loving you.
- Maj. Leep: Yes, but...
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: You see, when I love a man I give him everything, I give it all.
- Maj. Leep: But I don't want it all, I just want a bit.
- [In a heavy Russian accent and in reference to the strip teeze]
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: It is wrong for a lady to show her kernickers in public, No?
- [Professor Vrooshka objects to the strip teeze act at the Caravan site clubhouse]
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: What is lady doing?
- Prof. Roland Crump: It's a kind of dance.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Very perculiar, in my country we don't have dance like this.
- Prof. Roland Crump: No, you have mixed bathing instead.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: But lady is not taking bath.
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Must be finding doctors. Man is injured.
- Ernie Bragg: But what man?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: Is professor of archaeology. Is bleeding terrible.
- Fred Ramsden: Never mind his qualifications. Is he hurt badly?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: [examining a mosaic of Venus that Crump is excavating] Aah! That is a Wenus, no?
- Prof. Roland Crump: [puzzled] I beg your pardon?
- Prof. Anna Vrooshka: [emphatically] It is a Wenus!
- Prof. Roland Crump: Well, that's neither one thing nor another.
- Daphne Barnes: Major, I do believe you're trying to get me sloshed.
- Maj. Leep: Heavens above, no! There's no need to. What I mean was... only a damn swine would try and get a girl drunk first.
- Daphne Barnes: First?
- Maj. Leep: Well it would be a damn waste of time getting her drunk afterwards.
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