- Mervin Q. Milgrim: [nauseous] I gotta go back upstairs and get something...
- Chick Larkin: What have you gotta get?
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: My stomach...
- Customer: What happened to my strawberry sundae?
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: What's today?
- Customer: Friday.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: You've got two more days to wait.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: [Mervin and Chick and performing their radio play for Juliet, Mervin's holding a gun on Chick] Bang! Ow! Bang! Ow! Bang! Ow!
- Juliet Collins: Wait a minute, if you're shooting at him
- [Chick]
- Juliet Collins: , then why are you yelling?
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: I'm holding the gun backwards!
- Chick Larkin: [talking about Juliet Collins] She's only got a couple of buck teeth.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: Why do I care what she paid for them?
- Col. J.R. Andrews: Mr. Turner, may I remind you that I have a contact for your services, and I intend to exercise it.
- Jimmy Turner: You'll get plenty of exercise trying to find me.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: Operator! Give me Alexander two two, two two!
- Telephone operator: The line is busy!
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: Hello! Give me Alexander 2222, please. Please give it to me. It's only over here on the other side of the street.
- Telephone operator: The line is busy. Number, please.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: Alexander 2222!
- Telephone operator: I can't hear you.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: Alexander 2222!
- Telephone operator: Louder, please.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: If I talk any louder, I won't have to call them! They'll hear me!
- Telephone operator: I'm sorry, sir, but you are all wet.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: Who's all wet? I'm all wet? Hold the line! Hold the line!
- [He picks up spritzer bottle and sprays it into the phone. The spritzer comes out on the other end of the phone line, all over the operator]
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: I don't mind getting shot; I don't mind getting stabbed; but this here guy, insulted me!
- [starts record playing]
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: What was that crack about halitosis?
- Voice on record: What are you going to do about it?
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: [repeat several times] Get me Alexander 2222.
- Telephone operator: The line is busy.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: Don't call me Blimp!
- Detective Brannigan: Why not?
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: What makes a blimp go up?
- Detective Brannigan: Hot air.
- Mervin Q. Milgrim: What's holding you down?
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