Quotes

The Major and the Minor

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Conductor #1: You're from Swedish stock, eh?
Susan Applegate: Yes, sir.
Conductor #2: If you're people are Swedish, suppose you say something in Swedish.
Susan Applegate, Conductor #2: I vant to be alone.

Susan Applegate: You should be very glad I'm not 12. I was a very straightforward child; I used to spit.

Cadet Osborne: Well, the bus is here. The zombies have arrived.
Susan Applegate: Who?
Cadet Osborne: [disdainfully] The girls from Mrs. Shackleford's school.
Cadet Miller: We use 'em for women.

Mr. Osborne: Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Susan Applegate: I'm through. After one year and 25 jobs in New York, Susan Applegate is signing off. Signing off and going right back where she came from. Did you ever hear of Stevenson, Iowa? No, you haven't, Mr. Osborne. Dull. People there just walk around on two feet, and cars have only four wheels, and the grass is just plain green. Who wants that? Who wants a fella by the name of Will Duffy, who runs a Feed & Grain store? Why not look around? Well, I came, and I looked around, from every angle, from the bargain basement to the Ritz tower. I got myself stared at, glanced over, passed by, slapped around, brushed off, cuddled up against.

Conductor #2: Looks kinda filled out for twelve.
Susan Applegate: Mama says we have some sort of gland trouble.

Major Kirby: Listen, Su-Su, you like boys don't you?
Susan Applegate: What boys?
Major Kirby: Nice boys. Can you dance?
Susan Applegate: A little.

Susan Applegate: Oh, that's naughty.

Susan Applegate: I take a two-week course. Learn all about hair and the circulation of the blood. I have to hock my things to join the union and what do I get? An invitation to slip out of my wet coat, into a dry martini! Well, by George, I think I will.

Major Kirby: Call me Uncle Philip. Do you have a nightie with you?
Susan Applegate: Yes, Uncle Philip.
Major Kirby: Well, then, suppose you go in there and get changed.
Susan Applegate: You really think so?
Major Kirby: Why, sure! And just sing out if you have any trouble with your buttons.
Susan Applegate: Oh, I haven't had any button trouble in a long, long time.

Major Kirby: Anything wrong? Stomach again? How do you feel, Su-Su?
Susan Applegate: So-so.

Major Kirby: That's why we say a girl like you is attractive.
Susan Applegate: Am I?
Major Kirby: Oh, yes! Yes, you have very nice eyes and good straight legs, and there's a sort of glow to your hair. I was watching you in the mess hall this afternoon.
Susan Applegate: Were you?
Major Kirby: Yes. That little red head of yours is like a dandelion in a big meadow of uniforms. Well, frankly, I felt like cutting classes and taking the afternoon off and showing you around myself.
Susan Applegate: Honest?
Major Kirby: I'll tell you something else, too. One day you're going to be a very charming young lady.
Susan Applegate: When?
Major Kirby: Six or seven years.

Cadet Miller: I may as well warn you. There's an epidemic at Mrs. Shackleford's school.
Susan Applegate: An epidemic?
Cadet Miller: Yeah. They all think they're Veronica Lake.
[cut to shot of girls, all with Veronica Lake peek-a-boo hairstyles]

[last lines]
Susan Applegate: You know, I have my own theory about the fall of France.
[places her finger on Maj. Kirby's lips]
Susan Applegate: Now, this is Sedan. And there was the big Maginot Line and the small Maginot line. And the German army swung through The Netherlands and Belgium. And a panzer division smacked right through here.
[kiss]
Major Kirby: Su-Su!
Susan Applegate: Come, Philip!

Mr. Osborne: You know what I told the mayor? I said my only regret is that I have but one wife to give to - I have but one wife to give to my country. Wife instead of life, you know.

Susan Applegate: Taking candy from a baby, huh? You big baboon.
Con Man in Railroad Station: Some baby!
Susan Applegate: I've met a lot of crumbs in this town, but of all the crummy crumbs!

Major Kirby: Su-Su, this is a treat that doesn't come to one girl in a million.
Susan Applegate: Does it have to come to me?

Lucy Hill: Maybe you can bluff the grownups; you can't bluff me.

Lucy Hill: Smoke?
Susan Applegate: Thanks.
Lucy Hill: You'll excuse me, I won't join you. I find adolescence makes you nervous enough.

Susan Applegate: If you start moving that German Army again, I'll yell Lieutenant. I'll yell!

Lucy Hill: Did they give you that Maginot line?
Susan Applegate: Huh?
Lucy Hill: The cadets.
Susan Applegate: Those innocent little panzer divisions - in sheep's clothing. The third one had some imagination though. He made it Benghazi.

Major Kirby: Oh, if Miss Parrot could only see me now!
Susan Applegate: Miss who?
Major Kirby: Miss Jean Parrot, my dancing teacher. I was 12, and she was 40. I had a terrific crush on her.
Susan Applegate: That's an awkward situation.
Major Kirby: Ah, the poetry in Miss Parrot's feet demonstrating the tango.

Major Kirby: Milk, root beer, ginger ale?
Susan Applegate: Ginger ale!
Major Kirby: Ginger ale!
Susan Applegate: It looks more like Champagne.
Major Kirby: To you, Su-Su. To all my crushes.

Susan Applegate: I think you underestimate us, Major Kirby. Perhaps all a woman wants is to be a photograph a soldier tacks above his bunk or a stupid lock of hair in the back of his watch.

Cadet Wigton: The first lesson to be derived from this present war is the futility of a stationary defense.
Susan Applegate: You're not just mulling over yesterday's lessons, are you, Lieutenant Wigton?
Cadet Wigton: Please! You want to know how Sedan was taken?
Susan Applegate: How?
Cadet Wigton: [points to Su-Su's lips] This is Sedan! The weak point between the Big Maginot Line and the Little Maginot Line. Now, a flank of the German army swung around through The Netherlands and Belgium. Then, a panzer division smacked right through here.
[kiss]
Susan Applegate: Why, you little devil!
Cadet Wigton: Hot stuff, huh! Then, of course, they took Paris. I got about two more minutes. You want to see how they took Paris?
Susan Applegate: Oh, no!
Cadet Wigton: Oh, that was only kindergarten. Paris is a real kiss!

Cadet Osborne: Let's not talk about me. Let's talk about something else. Oh, strategy, for instance.
Susan Applegate: Fine.
Cadet Osborne: You know, I've got my own theory about the fall of France. The first lesson to be derived from this present war is the futility of stationary defense. Now, there was the Big Maginot Line and the Little Maginot Line. Right in between was Sedan.

Cadet Miller: Su-Su.
Susan Applegate: Yes, Lieutenant Miller.
Cadet Miller: You know, you're very cruel.
Susan Applegate: You mean because I'm not interested in the fall of Paris?
Cadet Miller: It's so unfair. Wigton at least got to Sedan!

Susan Applegate: [on the phone, pretending to be Pamela] Cornelia, darling! You beguiling creature! Of course, it's Pamela. I know you couldn't be more surprised. How long has it been? Almost a year? How did my quail recipe turn out? Isn't that chestnut stuffing too beguiling! You did! A great big party? The Chief Justice - and Morgenthau too! I'm sure he asked for more gravy. Well, how beguiling!

Susan Applegate: Let's drop the cat and mouse stuff, Miss Hill. I make a very bad mouse.

Major Kirby: You know Su-Su, you're a very peculiar child.
Susan Applegate: You bet I am.

Mr. Osborne: Really, Miss Applegate, you shouldn't be so business-like. First, we're going to have a little drinkie-poo, then a little bitie-poo, and a little rumba-poo.

Mr. Osborne: I can't help it! It's the vibrator.

Wilbur & Margie's Mother in Railroad Station: You'd like one of those books, wouldn't you, Margie?
Margie - Little Girl in Railroad Station: Oh, I want Movie Parade, "See Why I Hate Women" by Charles Boyer.

Major Kirby: Why don't they send me to Trinidad or the Canal Zone or Iceland? Anywhere.
Pamela Hill: Well, why not worry about that when and if there is a war?

Pamela Hill: The first wedding presents have arrived. We'll always have plenty of pickle forks.

Pamela Hill: Does this room always have to smell of sulphuric acid?

Susan Applegate: What do you expect me to do?
Lucy Hill: Help.
Susan Applegate: I haven't any pull in the War Department. I knew a Washington Senator once; he played third base.

Major Kirby: During the first shift, I happened to see her with one of the boys at the cannon, and, frankly, I was worried.
Pamela Hill: For whom? The boy?
Major Kirby: For her, of course. You can't suddenly throw a young girl among 300 cadets.
Pamela Hill: In the merry month of May.

Pamela Hill: When you felt the urge to become an Uncle, you should have found a less inflammatory niece.

Susan Applegate: What's your name?
Cadet Korner: Korner. They call me Kozy.

Susan Applegate: Mad on account of what happened at the cannon?
Cadet Wigton: "Hard to get." Maybe you can play that with a private, not with a lieutenant!

Pamela Hill: A war widow with no war in sight! No! It's too idiotic.

Susan Applegate: Love, frog, and everything.

Pamela Hill: Philip, guess who came to rescue you?
[singing]
Pamela Hill: You can't get him up / You can't get him up / You can't get him up / In the morning.