Pardon Us (1931)
Oliver Hardy: Oliver Hardy
Photos
Quotes
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Schoolteacher : You spell "Needle!"
Oliver : [pause] N-E-I-D-L-E.
Schoolteacher : There is no "I" in needle!
Stanley : Then it's a rotten needle.
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Desk Sergeant : What's your name?
Stanley : Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant : Say "sir" when you're addressing me. Now what's your name?
Stanley : Sir Stanley Laurel. Ffffff!
Oliver : He can't help that sir, It's a loose tooth, sir.
Desk Sergeant : Yeah, well, we'll be seein' to that. What's your name?
Oliver : Oliver Norvell Hardy, sir.
Desk Sergeant : [Looking over his paperwork] A couple of beer barons, eh?
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Oliver : We're not going to the mess hall. We're not going to eat.
Prison Guard : You're not going to eat?
Stanley : No, we're on a hunger strike.
Oliver : Imfatically.
Prison Guard : What? You're going to pass up that nice, big roast turkey with chestnut dressing, and sweet potatoes Southern style, great big pans of hot biscuits, and strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, sprinkled with powdered sugar, with a nice, big maraschino cherry on the top of it. Course, followed by a... a nice, big slice of ice cold watermelon and a big, black cigar.
Stanley : Any nuts?
Prison Guard : All you can eat of them.
Stanley : How about postponing the strike 'til tomorrow?
Oliver : Well... But not one minute after tomorrow.
Prison Guard : Come on, fall in!
Stanley : [later; Stan sees their meal of gruel] Hey! What about that turkey dinner?
Prison Guard : [shouts] Sit down, you!
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Warden : [seeing Stan and Ollie for the first time]
[sadly]
Warden : My, my, and still they come. Let us begin with a perfect understanding. I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here. Keep one thing in mind, it all depends on you yourselves just how you're going to fare during your stay here. Never forget that this is a prison, and in a prison, all the rules must be obeyed. Discipline is the one thing that must be observed. If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay. If you're not, if you break the rules, then it will be just plain hell on Earth. Do you understand?
Stanley : Yes, sir.
[tooth buzzes]
Warden : [begins to go ballistic] Wha...!
Oliver : It was his tooth...
Warden : [shouts] Shut up, you! Put them in cell 14!
Prison Guard : But not in with The Tiger, sir.
Warden : [shouts] Put them in Cell 14! Get them out of here before I lose my temper!! Talking to the warden like that! A fine piece business. Convicts talking to the warden.
[shouts]
Warden : Why, I'll take those men, I'll break them! I'll put them in Cell 14. I don't care who's in there! What I'll do with them.
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Oliver : When are you going to get that tooth fixed? Every time you speak you make a funny noise. It sounds like a pipe organ.
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Insurgent Convict : Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing there? Keep off of my head!
Oliver : Pardon me, I'm a stranger here.
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Oliver : [Stan and Ollie disguised in black face] They'll never recognize us in a 100 years. For once in your life you've hit up on a good idea.
Stanley : A practical idea.
Oliver : What about the tooth? The buzzer.
Stanley : Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanized it.
Oliver : You what?
Stanley : I vulcanized it. I put some chewing gum in there and it don't buzz any more.
Oliver : You're actually using your brain. That's what comes from associating with me.
Stanley : What do you mean associa...
Oliver : Tut tut tut tut tut.
Stanley : Tut tut tut tut?
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[last lines]
Warden : My boys - and you are my boys - I hold in my hand the pardons for both of you. This is the state's gesture in showing its appreciation of your bravery. It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall that saved us from a disaster of cataclysmic dimensions.
[Stan and Ollie stare blankly; Warden hands them their pardons]
Oliver : Thank you, sir.
Warden : Now go, begin life anew. Forget this. Let this episode here be just a hiatus to be obliterated from your memory. And don't forget that I'm your friend. Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off, call on me at any time.
Oliver : Thank you.
[to Stan]
Oliver : We'll start all over again.
Stanley : We certainly will.
[to Warden]
Stanley : Can we take your order for a couple of cases?
[tooth buzzes]
Warden : Why you...!
[Stan and Ollie run from the office; screen fades to black; "THE END" appears on screen]
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Oliver : [at the prison dentist] Who ever heard of a dentist hurting you these days? Why, you won't even feel it.
Stanley : You won't feel it, but how about me? How about those other fellows?
Oliver : Ha ha ha ha, they were only laughing.
[sits down in dentist chair beside Stan]
Oliver : You know, there are times when you try my patience. There's nothing to it. It's all in your mind. Now just sit back and... Relax. Why they could pull every tooth in my head and I wouldn't even feel it.
[the dentist accidentally sets to work on Ollie's teeth; Ollie yelps in pain]
Oliver : Why didn't you tell him?
Stanley : I thought you were laughing.
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Schoolteacher : How many times does three go into nine?
Stanley : ...Three times.
Schoolteacher : Correct.
Stanley : And two left over.
Schoolteacher : [nods; Ollie begins to giggle] What are you laughing at?
Oliver : There's only one left over.
Schoolteacher : D'oh!
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Prison Guard : [placing the boys in solitary confinement] This is your suite.
Stanley : Have you got the time?
[Stan is shoved inside the hole and the door is locked]
Stanley : Ollie?
Oliver : What?
Stanley : I wonder how long we're going to be in here.
Oliver : Oh, about two months I guess.
Stanley : Gee, that's a month apiece.
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Oliver : [singing] Now, she's to meet me in the lane tonight, if the sky is bright and clear, Oh moon don't keep me waiting here tonight. Watching and waiting, heart a palpitating, Longing for my little lady love. Lazy moon, lazy moon, Why don't you show your face above the hill, Lazy moon, come out soon, You can make me happy if you will. Now, when my lady sees your face a peeping, then I know I promise you be keeping, Tell me what's the matter are you sleeping, Lazy moon.
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Oliver : Haven't we had bad luck enough without you spilling the salt. Make a wish and throw some over your left shoulder.
