The Not Quite Halloween Horror List of 2022
A new year, a new Halloween. Only, these didn't quite make it yet. To explain their rating a bit, if a movie is so bad that its on the verge of being painful, it would fall somewhere within the 1-3 range. The 4-6 range is for movies that are not good but still watchable to good movies that have left little long lasting impression. 7-10 are movies I enjoyed to love.
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- DirectorJoe TornatoreStarsLinda BlairTab HunterDonna WilkesA gang of crazed punks breaks into a family's vacation home in the mountains and slaughters the entire family, except for one daughter who gets away.Starting off a new year, this was a weird movie. Very conflicting, its kind of like Gremlins 2 in a way, but doesn't quite hit its mark like Gremlins 2 did. The reason is that it isn't committed to the bit from start to finish. It isn't really committed to anything from start to finish. The first act plays like a home invasion gone wrong horror story but then it becomes a lackluster investigative drama before giving a decent enough twist. But it doesn't end there, and that was a mistake. The monster looks fine but doesn't really do much. He kills all the invaders but in ways that are a little mundane, they committed more memorable murders than he did. But the acting is wonderfully campy, so uniquely bad that it does come off as intentional. Very cartoony, all the punks are entertainingly unhinged and the cops are so phony. I actually talked myself up, its by no means a great movie but it is decent enough entertainment.
- DirectorKonstantin ErshovGeorgiy KropachyovAleksandr PtushkoStarsLeonid KuravlyovNatalya VarleyAleksey GlazyrinA young priest is ordered to preside over the wake of witch in a small old wooden church of a remote village. This means spending three nights alone with the corpse with only his faith to protect him.There is something to be said with effective minimalism. The ability to get so much from so little is quite a feat to behold. Its little things like seeing the witch move around and the demons doing scuttling around are where this movie shines. The monsters are fairly simple, with you seeing mostly people in a coat of point, that its the otherworldly movements that deliver more unnerving effect. That isn't to say that they are just grey people, the few that you get a close up have some imaginative features, but its the further shots that really steal the show. But there are still some things that haven't aged well. While the scene of the witch climbing on his back looks good, it strains when he starts flying through the sky while she whips him, and the flying coffin is a bit cheesy. And Viy itself is kind of a goofy prop. The costume is very bulky and unwieldly and the eyelids that serve as its main gimmick are a bit of a let own. You can see the hinge on them. The story is simplistic, but that gives it a folky feel to it. It makes for a really good watch, a gem of the Soviet block.
- DirectorTate SteinsiekStarsClair CatherineJake HorowitzKika MagalhãesAn Albanian castle with bloodthirsty creatures is inherited by a young woman.When you are rebooting a surprisingly great movie, you are going to have to recapture lightning in a bottle. Or you can just use the title and shovel out something that has no relation to the original work. The only thing that made it over is the monster wrapping herself in a sheet, which is then discarded for an unconvincing sex scene involving the loosest blindfold. The Lovecraftian plot is cartoonish, as is common amongst the worst Lovecraft movie, and too loose an interpretation to appease Lovecraft fans. The gore isn't atrocious, but the bodies are inconsistent. A girl gets her head all but torn off but is later seen with a little blood on her chin. The characters are forgettable with no one as memorable as Jeffrey Combs or Barbara Crampton in the original. Really, it was a failure through and through and I am even more turned off by the teaser at the end involving another iconic Combs character, Herbert West.
- DirectorScott CooperStarsKeri RussellJesse PlemonsJeremy T. ThomasIn an isolated Oregon town, a middle-school teacher and her sheriff brother become embroiled with her enigmatic student, whose dark secrets lead to terrifying encounters with an ancestral creature.This movie is broken. There is no semblance of continuity, multiple plots go nowhere, and it explains so little to try and get away with so much. There are things that just don't make coherence sense. The father locks himself away, but knows to hang a magic satchel on the door, but why would he know to do that? The boy recognizes his family are turning into wendigo and has a book on native American folklore, but how would a modern American child recognize something from a completely different culture. The teacher and her brother turn to a native to learn about wendigo, but his explanation is so vague that its pretty much useless to anyone who has never heard of the monster before. And the reason they do that so that they can make it a vampire. One of the questions that nagged me throughout the movie, what ever happened to the first wendigo? Its just gone. And spoiler, I can't even approve of the feel good part of the ending, as its a boy with baggage living with a woman with equal baggage who just murdered his brother he still loved. The monster looks good at least, and the bleakness of the atmosphere is nice, but wow is much of this movie a train wreck.
- DirectorErnest R. DickersonStarsBilly ZaneWilliam SadlerJada Pinkett SmithHigh-level demons collect low-level demons as warriors in attempt to obtain a key containing the blood of Christ. The key is guarded by immortal warriors called Demon Knights.Billy Zane's favorite role and I can't deny its mine as well. Demon Knight expertly tows the line between a comedy and a horror movie. It never goes too deep in one direction that the other seems out of place, but still manages to make it feel natural. Even The Collector spitting out a sponge is pulled off just impishly enough to not undermine his viciousness. Its very Freddie Kreuger like. The other demons do their thing. They look like desiccated bodies, but the fact that you can see them getting clearly shot in the head without so much as a reaction does help them look more imposing. The possessions on the other hand are a little bit of a let down. Two of them look great as their bodies start tearing themselves open and their tongues emerge from their open gashes, it looks like a proper horror show. And two I don't care about too much as they weren't all that important. But why didn't they do more with Dick Miller's possession? This was a very fun outing and well worth watching for fans of Tales From the Crypt, even if it was not one of the original comic's stories.
- DirectorBC FourteenStarsBrian BerryEdson CamachoBC FourteenThe year is 4044. As the battle between the blood-thirsty Illuminati forces and the human resistance rages on, Tickles The Clown - a.k.a. the Mauler Of Innocents - escapes the Gag and Tag prison camp and joins the Illuminati forces. Hold your screams. In space no one can hear you laugh.An animated horror in the most liberal definition of all three of those words. Its not a horror story, barely animated, and I struggle to justify the word 'an.' When I say nothing happens, I mean that literally, the characters don't do anything, even move. They bought models and just have them do their idle animation as they talk forever. Its not even about anything interesting, its generic scifi war schlock that drones on to the point of making you numb. I don't even remember much of what they were talking about and suddenly Tickles is piloting a ship, someone is dead, and I don't give a damn. This isn't a family movie, not even the Manson family would be happy with how this came out. Now its only Feburary, but I feel almost safe to call this the worst thing I'll watch this year. Maybe ever.
- DirectorFrank HenenlotterStarsJames LorinzJoanne RitchiePatty MullenA medical student sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of Manhattan street prostitutes.Its no Brain Damage, but Frankenhooker is not a slouch. Patty Mullen plays work horse in this movie as her role as the monster trolling for Johns in the second half and calls stick with you. Her cadence of "Want a party?" The former half isn't as memorable unfortunately but I can't say its bad. Zachary just fails to measure up. Got any money?" is perfect. The deaths of her johns are a bit cheap by today's standards, or past standards, and I really don't know where I was going with this. They're cheap props but the scene where her head is knocked off is pretty good at least. And the failed experiments were enjoyable though their animation isn't much better than in Basket Case. Among Frank Hennenlotter's original movies, its not the one to hang his hat on but its still an enjoyable watch.
- DirectorKim Sung-hoonStarsHyun BinSeo Ji-hyeJang Dong-gunLee Chung is a Prince of Joseon, but he has been taken hostage to the Qing Dynasty.Another Korean zombie movie. Only this time in ancient Korea. Its pretty good. At one point, I thought this movie was going to be a victim of its budget, namely that they gave it too much money, when I saw a CGI shot of the zombies charging in. It looked very digital like a video game cut scene. Fortunately it wasn't too common and they used the money on plenty of human extras. The zombies are very much like the ones in Train of Busan and are formidable adversaries as they are capable to ambush and overwhelm swordsman. But there are some issues with it as some are capable of higher intelligence while others are purely instinctual, and there is little discernable reason why they are that way. Like many action horror movies, there is more emphasis on the former than the latter but its entertaining at least. This was a worthwhile zombie movie that greatly benefited from a more historical setting to separate it from the pack.
- DirectorDario ArgentoStarsAnthony FranciosaGiuliano GemmaChristian BorromeoAn American novelist visiting Rome to promote his latest book is stalked and harassed by an obsessed fan who is committing a string of murders that appear to be tributes to his work.A Giallo movie that's actually coherent? There are no weird mood shifts or convoluted metaphors here, Tenebrae a very straight forward murder mystery with a pretty good twist. All of the staples are here: the gloved hand, the brilliantly red blood, and breaking windows. And the deaths are probably some of the most violent Argento ever put to film. Severed arms and arterial sprays, impalements, and some good old throat slitting make the body count pretty high and quite memorable. And the mystery moves along well with a keen twist leading into the last act. But while I enjoyed it, I can't deny that there is something missing. I think I've gotten accustomed to the quirks of Argento's movies. Its good, but not something I would rate at the top of Argento's library of work.
- DirectorDario ArgentoStarsDavid HemmingsDaria NicolodiGabriele LaviaA jazz pianist and a wisecracking journalist are pulled into a complex web of mystery after the former witnesses the brutal murder of a psychic.This might be my favorite Argento movie. It isn't as nonsensically outlandish as Suspiria or Opera, but still has some more hooks than Tenebrae. The story plays as an interesting mystery, one that gives you cryptic clues but never gives itself away. You learn little by little the motive and the reveal still comes as a welcome surprise, until you start to think more about it. But that's okay, Argento thought of that as well. The deaths aren't as gory as Tenebrae, but they more than do their part. The dragging by the truck one in particular is brutal and well needed. This is a strong, near perfect recommendation.
- DirectorFred Olen RayStarsDavid CarradineArte JohnsonDick MillerBurt has a cleaning company and hires four women to clean an isolated house. They find an old book, a dagger and a soul shred and when one of them, Megan, reads an incantation, she unleashes an evil beast in our world.Its Fred Olen Ray, you should know what he is offering. And by in large, they're not that bad this time around. One of the premiers in sleaze presents an underwhelming horror comedy with above par T&A. The girls are attractive on the eyes but not very good actors, there aren't any future Emmy winners here, and the men are David Caradine and Dick Miller, who carry the film for what little screen time they may have. A problem is the killer toon isn't in the movie much. After killing one of the co-eds, he takes her place to worse acting than she shown before. the kills are underwhelming as they are all identical to each other. She bites them on the neck and any gore is covered up by her head until its all over. Its not a particularly good horror movie but it knows its audience to middling reception.
Thought I will relay this out about the radio. "I am going to go specific on this one. That is a Philco 41-290x oversized console radio released in 1941. Those buttons are the on and off function as well as seven pre set stations while the volume, bass, treble, and tuning was done by the four nobs underneath. It was capable of picking up standard broadcast between 540-1720kcs, police/amateur from 2.3-7.0mcs, and overseas short-wave from 9.0-12.0mcs. There were models that doubled as a record player but this was not one, instead dedicating itself to superior sound over its predecessors. Made for $89.95, I'd say the going price would be somewhere around 350 dollars." This was deemed too hot a take for Youtube. - DirectorDavid Blue GarciaStarsSarah YarkinElsie FisherMark BurnhamInfluencers looking to breathe new life into a Texas ghost town encounter Leatherface, an infamous killer who wears a mask of human skin.Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a series that didn't need to be franchised and has strayed far from how it was originally imagined. This does nothing to correct that. It has some positives. The camera work is great, there are some really nicely crafted scenes, and the carnage is great. But it doesn't feel like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The scene where Leatherface pops out of the sunflowers looks nice, but it lacks the grittiness of the movie they refer back to. Bringing back the narrator from the first movie was a nice touch, but Sally fell flat as the original actress has been dead for some time now and the new actress doesn't really remind you of her.; They tried to Laurie Stode her but while Lauri had the benefit of gradually developing into Michael Myers competent adversary, Sally is just thrown in as the antithesis of what she was. The rest of the cast isn't that great either. In fact, the characters and plot are where the movie fails the hardest. The characters are obnoxious and just come off as unlikeable and the plot is really shortsighted. The lack of the entire Sawyer family is also something I can't ignore as this is a sequel to the first film. But still, its no the worst Texas Chainsaw movie. Leatherface isn't made a hero and its light years better than New Generation. The work they put in balances out the rest of the movie at least, to give it a middling score.
- DirectorIsaac EzbanStarsGustavo Sánchez ParraCassandra CiangherottiFernando BecerrilOn the rainy night of October 2, 1968, eight characters waiting on a remote bus station for a bus heading to Mexico City start experiencing a strange phenomenon.This movie hit all the right places. Its like a mix of the Twilight Zone format and the Philip K Dick storytelling, telling a wonderfully unpredictable story that still feels like it was going somewhere. The movie tells you at the beginning that this character is not who the story is about and that is the clue to the movie's hook. Not only is it about what is going on but who the story is about which together helps build greater tension. You don't know who is going to live or die, who is the hero or villain, or even if everyone is being truthful. As everything starts to unfold, I want to be as vague as possible as summarizing the story will hurt it, you feel as nervous as they all are. Cosmetically, the movie looks very much like a stage play. Everyone is trapped within the confines of a bus terminal by a torrential storm and there is sparse furniture. But its the use of color that really is commendable, starting in black and white and faintly gaining color as the movie progresses. It helps build the scene by gradually shaking you up, noticing that something else is different as things go wrong. I really had a blast with this one and it gets my full recommendation.
- DirectorTed NicolaouStarsRobert FactorMartha QuinnAaron LustigAn alien determined to capture human females takes over a radio station to do it.I can't say its one of their better movies but its an alright entry in the Full Moon library. The alien design is a bit muddled, the main one looks like something from an Ed Wood movie but the little robot looks great and the puppet was pretty nice. But none of them are that scary. In fact, scares aren't that emphasized as the abductions are done with rock and roll interludes. And while I like movies like this, unfortunately the musical segments aren't all that memorable. The metal song was pretty forgettable, the grunge song was cheesy and lame, and Sykotic Sinfoney has to carry both of them. That isn't to say the soundtrack isn't great, just not when the movie needs it to be. There was some humor when you see the women dancing in real life, with muted music and everyone watching them with no idea what was going on, but its kind of the only joke they have. But it wasn't an unwatchable mess like some reviews for it claim, its just not that great.
- DirectorJeff BurrStarsTerry O'QuinnMeg FosterCaroline WilliamsAfter escaping the insane asylum in which he was incarcerated, Jerry Blake (Terry O'Quinn) impersonates a marriage counselor and manages to win over a patient (Meg Foster) and her young son (Jonathan Brandis).A big step back from a really good movie. Another movie that isn't bad, but was such a massive step down from the original. They don't have the benefit of shock value like the first movie had with the opening scene nor do they show the amazing transformation scenes either. Instead they try to look more into his psychology but even that doesn't provide much more new material. But the acting is still pretty good, even if he isn't transforming himself Terry O'Quinn still makes for a good unassuming monster. Honestly, I can't really say that the original needed to be a series but they tried anyway.
- DirectorMax KalmanowiczStarsMartin ShakarGil RogersGale GarnettA nuclear-plant leak turns a bus-load of children into murderous atomic zombies with black fingernails.As far as Troma goes, this is almost unbearably tame. Its completely dry, there is none of the crass humor and gore one would almost consider a prerequisite for them and its a very straight forward horror movie. Perhaps a bit too straight forward. It feels almost clinical in its approach, and the shot composition is very flat causing a lot of the horror to lose much of its effect. The scene where the kid is playing with the mutant kid is suspenseful, but not as impactful as it could have been. There are some dismemberments but most are blocked or unseen and there is never any blood. And the mutant children's power is used at a minimum, most of the time the victims walk off camera to die shortly after. This movie is strange in that it is the transition between the 70s and 80s, still maintaining the grit of the prior decade and not yet discovering the shine of the next.
- DirectorDario ArgentoGeorge A. RomeroStarsAdrienne BarbeauHarvey KeitelRamy ZadaA duo of Edgar Allan Poe adaptations about a greedy wife's attempt to embezzle her dying husband's fortune, and a sleazy reporter's adoption of a strange black cat.This could have been better, but still manages to be very good. The problem is that its an anthology of two movie, but it was supposed to be four. Wes Craven and John Carpenter dropped out early, leaving Romero and Argento to carry the whole thing. And they do pretty well, Romero's story in particular translates Poe's short story very well. Its well paced and suspenseful, with only an underwhelming ghost effect to hurt it. But Argento's isn't so fortunate. Its not a problem of the acting or his vision, his story actually has more interesting visuals, but a problem of carrying the extra work load. Its not as well paced and coming second, makes the movie feel even longer. This is an excellent movie and I would recommend it, it makes you wonder just what could have been.
- DirectorAbel FerraraStarsAbel FerraraCarolyn MarzBaybi DayAn artist slowly goes insane while struggling to pay his bills, work on his paintings, and care for his two female roommates, which leads him taking to the streets of New York after dark and randomly killing derelicts with a power drill.With a name like Driller Killer, you'd expect this movie to be far more violent. And in all honesty, I hate the main character more for not going on a rampage sooner. Video and sound quality aren't great, being even grainier than most 70s movie. And the sound is made more pressing as people just talk forever. A big issue I found was that the rampages are so far removed from the source of the leads agitation. He kills a few homeless people, but when he finally targets the source of his consternation, the movie has 10 minutes left. The open fates of some of the characters actually plays pretty well and the deaths aren't bad even for the unintimidating drill he uses. This isn't the killer in Slumber Party Massacre. I can't say I was particularly fond of this movie. It would probably be preferred to those of a more artistic temperament, but not me.
- DirectorGary ShermanStarsJames FarentinoMelody AndersonJack AlbertsonSheriff Dan Gillis investigates eerie deaths in a sleepy coastal town.For most movies, the revelation that the town was behind all the murders is the big surprise. Here, its the first five minutes. This turned out to be a swell horror movie. While it may not look like much at first, by the end it comes together quite nicely. The deaths don't start off all that impressive. The fire effect on the first guy is dated and a lot of the heads look fake, but they get the job done. The acid burning the fake head at least gets the point across. But they aren't all bad, some of the more implied ones are done well enough. There are some pretty good shots as well. I particularly liked the undead funeral scene where all the dead give their condolences. Its just such a strangely off putting scene that it works. But the story is where the movie really shines. Its a movie that knows not to tell you everything and what you don't know keeps you invested. And the final twist makes for an exciting cliffhanger. This isn't a movie that is going to set the world ablaze, but it knows what it needs to do and does it well.
- DirectorBeverly SebastianStarsTray LorenDonna ScogginsCana CockrellA crazed rock singer returns from the dead to murder members of his former band.Of all the movies I've seen, this was one of them. By no means is it good. Or coherent. Or even competent. I don't where I was going with this, but there is some charm buried in here. The songs, I wasn't too keen on them either, but the instrumentals were good. Killer on the Loose was good. And they had an idea for some of the kills, its just not like Mutilator where they actually pull them off. Like burning someone with a hot iron on their throat, that could be good but when its a bad actress giving a poor performance and some comical "steam" coming out the wrong end while it fails to burn her skin, it doesn't pan out. The dialogue is the pits and seems to go out of its way to make the lead look stupid. She asks questions like who killed her immediately after the killer revealed himself and calls him by the wrong name after he reveals his true identity later. Its like Zoolander wanting to know why male models. None of the characters matter and are often unrecognizable in later scenes, making you really stop caring about anything and say sure, whatever. But maybe that gives it some value in itself as you never feel like the movie is dragging. It isn't in line with the most terrible, painful to watch movies, but it makes for a good best of the worst watch at least.
- DirectorJackie KongStarsRick BurksCarl CrewRoger DauerTwo brothers are entrusted by their uncle to uphold the ritualistic cannibalism of the ancient cult of Sheetar. In order to do so, they have to prepare a feast of sacrifice for the resurrection of their goddess.Marrying horror and comedy is a delicate balance rarely seen. And this is not a rare instance. Its not that this movie never made me chuckle, it has a character named Little Jimmy Hitler, but the humor is very low hanging fruit. Compared to something like Dead Alive, which had some creative writing, this movie is almost entirely low brow. A character projectile vomits on people, the idiot brother plays with a head, the victim suddenly fights back with kung fu and momentarily overpowers her attacker, nothing is particularly clever or groundbreaking. In fact, I would direct anyone towards Troma to see it handled better than this. The dubbing joke actually turns out worse as it gets old quick and never goes away. There are some shockingly brutal scenes like the girl being dipped headfirst in the hot oil, but they aren't always used to their full effect. It is a shame the movie turned out like this as it is a spiritual successor to the unintentionally funny Herschell Gordon Lewis film, Blood Feast. And much like the true sequel to Blood Feast, it falls into the same problem of trying too hard to be funny.
- DirectorJustin BensonAaron MoorheadStarsPeter CilellaVinny CurranEmily MontagueA man imprisons his estranged junkie friend in an isolated cabin in the boonies of San Diego to force him through a week of sobriety, but the events of that week are being mysteriously manipulated.I forgot why I wanted to see this movie. Whatever trailer or review I saw completely slipped my mind and I came in expecting nothing. I had an absolute blast. The idea behind it is fascinating, I hated having to interrupt it with IMDBs ads and couldn't wait to jump back in. The beauty of it is in its progression, with things starting to build up to the strange events. It builds nicely with little things that are pretty innocuous. Stuff that you wouldn't think twice about, like the meth addict friend in the start of the movie. But they start to add up and you start to question yourself. And that makes you more invested in the mystery surrounding this area that is causing all these "stories" to happen. The ending may frustrate some as its a bit ambiguous, but I was more than fine with it I felt it told me enough that saying any more will just ruin what the movie has going for it.
- DirectorLucky McKeeStarsAngela BettisJeremy SistoAnna FarisA socially awkward veterinary assistant with a lazy eye and obsession with perfection descends into depravity after developing a crush on a boy with perfect hands.And my mood sours. I'm not a fan of the Napoleon Dynamite kind of comedy, and May tries to apply it to a horror movie. So its a quirky girl with a troubled past interacting with a quirky bunch of people culminating in her having a breakdown and turning out to be a serial killer to create the perfect partner. It sounds like it has potential, but the quirkiness is turned up far too high so I can't relate to anyone before the incident nor care for them after. The rampage at the end is also very short, and lacking in much struggle. She goes through her victims quick and assembles her human doll, and it kind of looks like a guy with a bunch of fake stitches and a towel wrapped around his head. It wasn't all that impressive. There is a market where this movie would probably do well with, but it certainly does not include me.
- DirectorJoe NardelliStarsDiana PrinceMark TorglLloyd KaufmanAn Almost True Story: TOXIC TUTU is an homage to the original cult-classic horror-comedy, THE TOXIC AVENGER and explains what became of the "Toxic Avenger's" Melvin the "Mop Boy", Mark Torgl.I'm confused. I'm sure there is some sort of narrative going but the gonzo documentary is really muddling it up. Johnny Fairplay kills a woman, steals the toxic waste. and then we jump to con footage, some of which is staged. Its very Troma in a way. Which really makes it hard to tell if I love or hate it but I did pop at Jake The Snake hitting his DDT though. What I can say though, this isn't what I really wanted. When I heard a Toxic Avenger movie was in the works, I was really excited for the remake. This is very much not that, more of a fan letter than anything else. I cannot say I'm not disappointed.
- DirectorBrandon SlagleStarsRichard GriecoJolene AndersenDouglas TaitA SWAT team transporting a vicious crime syndicate boss must fight their way out of a county detention center during a catastrophic alien invasion.Resolution paid off so I figured I would take another chance on the why did I put this here list. The results this time were not so good. I think the thing that is most damning is that this movie is so forgettable. The characters are boring, the aliens are boring, the action is boring, there is nothing in here of any interest. Even the actors seem bored watching one of their own die slowly from an alien poking. And while we're on the subject of death, the plot armor on the aliens is so transparent. They are immune to bullets until they aren't often when someone gets the idea to shoot the one part of their body not covered in armor. The blood plot that was mentioned in trivia doesn't matter, they could have said they were alien proctologists who's learning materials consisted of Two Girls One Cup and it would be equally important. But the worst was the ending, which threatened sequels. Needless to say, this was a bad movie.