What do you think?
Rate this book
Toward Commitment: A Dialogue About Marriage
In Toward Commitment, Diane Rehm, the nationally known Public Radio broadcaster, and John, her lawyer-husband, open up for the reader their marriage of over forty years, revealing their passionate bond as well as their points of conflict and frustration. In a series of surprisingly honest dialogues, they grapple with their pronounced differences of background, attitude, and expectation. Addressing difficult and important issues-from love and sex and raising children to dependence and independence, from spiritual differences to financial and social needs-Toward Commitment gives readers the opportunity to eavesdrop on a husband and wife bravely analyzing their relationship and confronting the issues that inevitably strain a relationship. Refreshingly candid, these perceptive discussions will resonate with any two people who care enough about each other to resolve their difficulties. A practical guide for married couples as well as a must-read for couples considering that commitment, this thoughtful and ultimately hopeful book will help them become closer than ever.
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2002
About the author
Diane Rehm
7 books45 followersDiane Rehm hosted The Diane Rehm Show, distributed by NPR, from 1979 to 2016, when it had a listening audience of two-and-a-half million. She now hosts a podcast for WAMU-NPR, On My Mind. She lives in Washington, D.C.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
April 19, 2019
I read this book cover to cover on a rainy day and found it very interesting. I am a long time listener of NPR and big fan of The Diane Reim Show. I admire her communication skills, her intelligence and knowledge of many subjects including politics and world affairs. I am impressed with her ability to educate herself through reading and listening and rise to the top of her profession without a college degree. I admire her commitment to a long marriage and hanging in there in spite of serious challenges at all stages. I feel sad that she has recently lost her husband to Parkinson's and will retire soon at the age of 80. I will miss her greatly. I enjoyed her memoir Finding My Voice and look forward to reading On My Own. I can identify with the struggles and challenges of a 50+ marriage and a husband with Parkinson's. We had many of the same problems throughout our long marriage but we persevered and somehow made it through the difficult times, including the death of our oldest daughter. I recognize that this book is not for everyone, but it was comforting to know I was not the only one struggling through marriage with all of its challenges. Thank you, Diane, for sharing your most personal and intimate life experiences with us. I liked the format and the questions for readers in the appendix.
June 8, 2010
I've had an autographed copy of this book from when we went to see Diane and John Rhem in 2003 (I think) and have only now gotten around to reading it. I'm glad I did.
First off, I'm completely fascinated by Diane's life. It turns out she comes from an Christian Arabic community in DC, has no college education, and just sort of fell into the broadcasting fame she now enjoys (which isn't to say she didn't work to get there). I'm very motivated to read her other book now.
As for the book at hand, however, it's pretty shocking how honest these two were about their relationship. And it's illuminating to see another marriage from the inside out to some extent. It makes you realize that though the specific contents differ, all married couples have themes that keep coming up throughout their relationship.
I also like the subjects the book was broken up into. I think those categories alone could provide a helpful starting place for a series of conversations with one's spouse or for an engaged couple (the Rhem's note several times that they wish they would have talked about many of these subjects while engaged).
At times the book did feel repetitive and lacking substance--I found John's portions especially that way, but overall it's definitely worth a read!
First off, I'm completely fascinated by Diane's life. It turns out she comes from an Christian Arabic community in DC, has no college education, and just sort of fell into the broadcasting fame she now enjoys (which isn't to say she didn't work to get there). I'm very motivated to read her other book now.
As for the book at hand, however, it's pretty shocking how honest these two were about their relationship. And it's illuminating to see another marriage from the inside out to some extent. It makes you realize that though the specific contents differ, all married couples have themes that keep coming up throughout their relationship.
I also like the subjects the book was broken up into. I think those categories alone could provide a helpful starting place for a series of conversations with one's spouse or for an engaged couple (the Rhem's note several times that they wish they would have talked about many of these subjects while engaged).
At times the book did feel repetitive and lacking substance--I found John's portions especially that way, but overall it's definitely worth a read!
November 8, 2010
Perhaps the questions in the questions in the back should be required dialogue questions for those considering getting married--otherwise a bit painful and difficult to read the ongoing challenges in their marriage--and it is considered a success in today's society--not particularly joyful, but sustained and no major issues in terms of substance abuse, infidelity or domestic violence...kind of a sad commentary on the low expectations of long term marriage. Anyway, looking forward to reading Project Everlasting...much lighter and funnier book--think it will also provide HOPE!
January 28, 2010
This was an interesting book. I enjoyed the dialogue between John and Diane and thought they asked some good questions about commitment. Certainly spurred some thinking and hopefully will encourage some discussion.
August 22, 2009
picked this up @ at book swap & can't put it down. It's fascinating.
March 19, 2011
A thoughtful and thought provoking dialog between spouses. Worth the read. Covers just about all aspects of marriage.
Read
February 27, 2016Interesting, honest meditation on the compromises and commitment it takes to make a marriage work.
December 14, 2017
John B. Rehm is a retired attorney, while radio personality Diane Rehm authored Finding My Voice. Together they have been working at their marriage long enough (43 years!) to make it look easy. Like everyone, they started out “with gross ignorance” of themselves and each other. Through devoted, sometimes dogged commitment to each other, they found that “marriage-or any long-term relationship-is a never-ending process of exploration and growth.” The reader becomes a fly on the wall during the couple’s discussions of some 25 topics (e.g., food, sex, commitment) in individual and then mutual conversation. These transcriptions tastefully make public the very private and often profound musings, reflections, and wisdom of two intelligent people who have been through life and now know something about it. Readers should listen up-they just might learn something. This book presents the very personal side of the individual/couple dynamic as examined in self-help books like Martha Baldwin Beveridge’s Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self. Of course, marriage doesn’t universally equate to happiness and success, as Xavier F. Amador reminds us in Being Single in a Couples' World: How to Be Happily Single While Looking for Love. Also consider Laura Davis’s I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation for a concerned, optimistic take on reconciliation. Recommended.
Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.
Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.
January 3, 2017
I very much admire Diane Rehm and will terribly miss her radio show. She retired from her daily show on Friday, December 23, 2016. That event caused me to see what books she has written. I am also an admirer of long term committed marriage. So when I saw that not only Diane but her husband John wrote this book after 42 years of marriage, I was hooked even though it was written back in 2001.
I have mixed feelings about this book. I enjoyed the format of the book. They would pick an issue, such as anger, money, profession, parenting...etc. The chapter would start with an essay from John, then present an essay from Diane. The chapter would then conclude with both discussing the specifics of the issue with each other. They are very honest, very open, and frank about both the joys and the tribulations of their marriage. There are at times when they were starkly frank discussing the problems they experienced. Some of these made me feel like a voyeur of marital discord, sort of like when you are invited to a couple's home for dinner and they break into a heated argument in your presence. I really should not be privy to that. Yet at the same I admired them for their frank honesty.
I had both the Kindle and the Audible versions of the book. So I listened to the entire book but also read simultaneously some of the chapters on the Kindle. Listening to them discuss their problems on Audible made the conversation even more intimate.
A word of caution on the Audible version. Diane was at the time of the recording suffering from her vocal cord problem. If you find her voice difficult to listen to, you may want to pass on the Audible version.
Another aspect I found sad was to listen to their hopes and dreams for a long future together. John Rehm died in 2014 after a long battle with Parkinson's disease. The quality of his life had deteriorated to the point that he refused treatment, food, and water to affect his own death due to the lack assisted suicide. It was a slow grueling death.
All in all I really enjoyed this book, but there were time I felt queasy being so intimately told of their problems.
I have mixed feelings about this book. I enjoyed the format of the book. They would pick an issue, such as anger, money, profession, parenting...etc. The chapter would start with an essay from John, then present an essay from Diane. The chapter would then conclude with both discussing the specifics of the issue with each other. They are very honest, very open, and frank about both the joys and the tribulations of their marriage. There are at times when they were starkly frank discussing the problems they experienced. Some of these made me feel like a voyeur of marital discord, sort of like when you are invited to a couple's home for dinner and they break into a heated argument in your presence. I really should not be privy to that. Yet at the same I admired them for their frank honesty.
I had both the Kindle and the Audible versions of the book. So I listened to the entire book but also read simultaneously some of the chapters on the Kindle. Listening to them discuss their problems on Audible made the conversation even more intimate.
A word of caution on the Audible version. Diane was at the time of the recording suffering from her vocal cord problem. If you find her voice difficult to listen to, you may want to pass on the Audible version.
Another aspect I found sad was to listen to their hopes and dreams for a long future together. John Rehm died in 2014 after a long battle with Parkinson's disease. The quality of his life had deteriorated to the point that he refused treatment, food, and water to affect his own death due to the lack assisted suicide. It was a slow grueling death.
All in all I really enjoyed this book, but there were time I felt queasy being so intimately told of their problems.
October 4, 2019
An honest dialog about a marriage, warts and all.
Read
June 23, 2020Left off at 34%. My mom recommended this book to me after I got married. She and my dad both enjoyed it.
May 24, 2012
liked the format. The well-known (at least if you work at American University and have WAMU/NPR radio piped in on hold when you call tech support) radio host and her husband of 42 years write separate essays and then a dialogue on each of a wide range of marital topics (emotional affairs, use of money, parenting, grandparenting, in-laws, religious differences, socializing with others, food.......).
Each has been in therapy quite a bit, and perhaps as a result they default to individual-childhood and family-unit explanations rather than genetics or historical/cohort factors. A striking exception is that they were writing it just as 9/11 happened, and that influences how they talk at the end about the future, but for the most part you could read the whole thing and not know that the 60's or the women's movement happened during their marriage, whereas many and sundry traits are attributed to his having been an only child, to her having had an early "starter" marriage fail, etc.
they're very candid about the struggles and differences they've had, and this is by far the most interesting aspect (their explicit advice for younger couples on each issue is completely predictable -- it turns out that communication about your differences is a good idea). Hard to review such a personal book without reviewing the people, but they certainly don't hide their disagreeable parts. He rationalizes his social anxiety with misanthropy (why bother getting to know new people when they just might let you down by turning out to want to make small talk instead of discussing great art all the time?); she accuses him of narcissism while getting angry and offended about seemingly minor differences (you don't want to eat red meat and drink alcohol anymore? Then you're ruining my life through your selfishness).
All told, I didn't come away from it wanting to spend time with them in person, and didn't learn anything new about keeping marriage going, but I do appreciate their willingness to open up so much and let others be flies on the wall for their look back at one long-term marriage from a number of angles.
Each has been in therapy quite a bit, and perhaps as a result they default to individual-childhood and family-unit explanations rather than genetics or historical/cohort factors. A striking exception is that they were writing it just as 9/11 happened, and that influences how they talk at the end about the future, but for the most part you could read the whole thing and not know that the 60's or the women's movement happened during their marriage, whereas many and sundry traits are attributed to his having been an only child, to her having had an early "starter" marriage fail, etc.
they're very candid about the struggles and differences they've had, and this is by far the most interesting aspect (their explicit advice for younger couples on each issue is completely predictable -- it turns out that communication about your differences is a good idea). Hard to review such a personal book without reviewing the people, but they certainly don't hide their disagreeable parts. He rationalizes his social anxiety with misanthropy (why bother getting to know new people when they just might let you down by turning out to want to make small talk instead of discussing great art all the time?); she accuses him of narcissism while getting angry and offended about seemingly minor differences (you don't want to eat red meat and drink alcohol anymore? Then you're ruining my life through your selfishness).
All told, I didn't come away from it wanting to spend time with them in person, and didn't learn anything new about keeping marriage going, but I do appreciate their willingness to open up so much and let others be flies on the wall for their look back at one long-term marriage from a number of angles.
December 6, 2014
A decade ago, this book ended up on my shelves. It was not much earlier that I was introduced to The Diane Rehm Show on public radio and somehow heard she had written this book.
Most, rather all, marriage books I've ever read have come from a purely Christian viewpoint. This one, however, is different. It is the telling of the married life of Diane and her husband John through a variety of topics such as family, profession, religion, arguing, aging. Each partner wrote an essay about that topic in his/her married life, then together they recorded a dialogue which was transcribed for print. This book, however, gives a view of the Rehm's marriage, but also the bumps, and sometimes mountains, in the road of any marriage, and something not usually found in the more spiritual, Christian books.
Diane Rehm's radio voice shines throughout the dialogue portions. She is an obvious master of interview.
I appreciated the chance to read this unlikely-to-me book, and many things in it will stay with me a long time. One of the most touching sections was the chapter on aging, but please don't read just that. Unless you read the whole book and see from where and how the Rehm's made it to their forty-second anniversary, the words about aging will not mean so much.
I have added Diane's other book, Finding My Voice, to my list. Both the Rehm's would be delightful people to know, I believe.
Most, rather all, marriage books I've ever read have come from a purely Christian viewpoint. This one, however, is different. It is the telling of the married life of Diane and her husband John through a variety of topics such as family, profession, religion, arguing, aging. Each partner wrote an essay about that topic in his/her married life, then together they recorded a dialogue which was transcribed for print. This book, however, gives a view of the Rehm's marriage, but also the bumps, and sometimes mountains, in the road of any marriage, and something not usually found in the more spiritual, Christian books.
Diane Rehm's radio voice shines throughout the dialogue portions. She is an obvious master of interview.
I appreciated the chance to read this unlikely-to-me book, and many things in it will stay with me a long time. One of the most touching sections was the chapter on aging, but please don't read just that. Unless you read the whole book and see from where and how the Rehm's made it to their forty-second anniversary, the words about aging will not mean so much.
I have added Diane's other book, Finding My Voice, to my list. Both the Rehm's would be delightful people to know, I believe.
October 15, 2015
I read this book because I have been a long-time admirer of Diane Rehm and because I was curious about what purported to be an intimate look at the Rehm marriage. It was written in 2002, about 13 years before John died, so reading it as they discussed their marriage, including their discussion of death and what they expected the loss of a spouse would be like, was eerily bittersweet. It didn't take me long to realize this book is an incredible gift to the reader. The Rehm's generosity in discussing their marriage, their commitment to one another, their frailties, their individual failures and both the pain and joy their union has brought to them was inspiring and amazing. To be honest, I learned more about my husband's and my marriage than I did theirs. Their insight, after years of therapy, both individual and couples, was illuminating. This book is yet another example of the knowledge that Diane brings to her listeners and her readers. And now we know that John was a contributor to the development of the woman she became, whether that was his intention or not. I loved this book.
December 29, 2013
I picked up this book because I loved Diane Rehm's radio show on NPR when I lived in DC. I also have read her earlier book, Finding My Voice, and liked it. I listened to this book, and enjoyed hearing it read by her and her husband - they are very personable. I liked the first half of the book but then tired of it. Her husband sounds likeable, and it sounds like he has worked through some of his issues (easier now that the kids are grown) but this is not a dialogue about a GOOD marriage. He was unhappy at work most of the time and absented himself from the marriage and child-rearing much of the time. There are really no insights on how to have a good marriage. It is more about how they endured a difficult marriage and are now doing ok. After awhile, that wasn't enough for me. I actually abandoned it about 2/3 of the way through.
January 10, 2013
I really wanted to love this book and learn from it. I enjoyed Finding My Voice by Diane Rehm, and identified with some of her struggles, and I was looking forward to learning a lot from a couple who had been through a lot and were still together. And I knew that both authors were really baring their souls, in a way, to the reader, and I respect that.
I just didn't feel it. I didn't feel a connection to their struggles, and I didn't find their experiences helpful to me. I think this may be partly a generational thing; I just can't identify with the idea of a husband being cranky that his wife's career is taking off. Maybe that makes me a lucky woman.
I just didn't feel it. I didn't feel a connection to their struggles, and I didn't find their experiences helpful to me. I think this may be partly a generational thing; I just can't identify with the idea of a husband being cranky that his wife's career is taking off. Maybe that makes me a lucky woman.
May 16, 2007
From this book it's clear John and Diane Rehm have had a difficult marriage, but I have a great deal of respect for people who make the choice to work through something incredibly hard because they believe in the possibility of something good and better on the other side. Their thoughtful approach to their life together is instructive and says a lot about who they are as individuals. It's also interesting to get a close-up, first-person view on the anatomy of a particular marriage between two very different people.
April 19, 2011
I read this mostly because I've become such a fan of the Diane Rehm show on WAMU. It was an interesting format for thinking about major topics that are a part of any committed relationship. They each wrote a short essay on each topic, then came together to dialogue about what they had written and to "discuss" the similarities and differences. They were very open about their struggles and realize they will need to continue to adjust to changes as they age, retire and perhaps deal with health issues. Interesting read.
February 27, 2010
Wow, I was really on a self-help kick after the birth of my second baby! I heard about this book on NPR from Diane Rehm. It was an interesting take on marriage from her and her husband's perspective. My search continued!
September 15, 2015
An interesting look into 2 lives and 1 marriage. An unexpected bonus (to me anyway) is that the final chapters, written by Diane were written shortly after 9/11 and you get to see how, at least in that case, current events influenced her thinking about each topic.
September 16, 2011
An interesting life and commentary on marriage. I was disappointed by her lack of pride in her Arab heritage.
July 11, 2016
I could not relate to this couple at all, and they did not make their marriage sound very good.
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews