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Born to Win: Keeping Your Firstborn Edge without Losing Your Balance
Firstborns are the natural movers, shakers, and leaders of the world. They can accomplish anything they set their minds to. They're the high achievers, the benchmark setters, the business moguls, the concert violinists, the heads of the P.T.A. . But if they're out of balance, they can be overly perfectionistic, driven, and critical. They can become controllers (everything has to go their way) or pleasers (they exhaust themselves in meeting the demands of others). Now available in trade paper, Born to Win identifies the qualities of firstborns . . . and there's a catch. Just because someone is the firstborn child in the family doesn't mean they'll have a firstborn personality. They can be third in a group of four siblings and still have a firstborn personality! Dr. Kevin Leman reveals why. He helps firstborns understand their natural advantages while becoming aware of their weaknesses and learning how to sidestep them for the highest level of personal success at home, at school, at work, and in relationships. And he helps those who live or work with firstborns to understand them better. This fun, informative, and practical book will keep readers engaged and provide many "aha!" moments.
288 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
About the author
Kevin Leman
189 books362 followersDr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker, has taught and entertained audiences worldwide with his wit and commonsense psychology. The best-selling and award-winning author has made house calls for hundreds of radio and television programs, including The View with Barbara Walters, The Today Show, Oprah, CBS's The Early Show, Live with Regis Philbin, CNN's American Morning, and LIFE Today with James Robison, and he has served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America. He is the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization designed and committed to helping couples remain happily married. Dr. Leman is also a charter faculty member of iQuestions.com. He has written over 30 best-selling books about marriage and family issues, including The Birth Order Book and Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, live in Tucson. They have five children.
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Connect with Dr. Leman on:
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Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
January 28, 2021
I felt this would be almost the same as Kevin Leman's birth order book, but it was not. This was full of great information and some things I had not read before. This was helpful to me in deciphering my own family, where I see the typical firstborn characteristics in both my children. It was the same way in my family of origin which has also been puzzling. This book helped me understand why, and helped me understand myself better. Not appealing: there were some things in the book that felt "copied and pasted" and seemed to be filler material, and it is definitely dated by some of the references like high praise for Bill Cosby (no, not anymore). Otherwise, well worth a read for insight on firstborns you might not have seen before.
Quotes/ my notes:
Physical/Mental Differences or Challenges - Perception is everything and may flip order (athletes, handsome/pretty, height. Closer in age- greater the competition and greater the possibility of role reversal.
Be careful not to map out a plan without input. Firstborn - others in awe, or unnerved by you, your ability to get things one, and your achievements. Supersized Energizer Bunny. What are you going to do with all the horsepower you have?
Be careful not to put goals ahead of recreation/family time. Firstborn women struggle the most with balance in their lives, need to schedule personal time. First thing to go is time with friends, but studies show this relieves the stress the most in a woman's life.
Critical eye- can defeat a firstborn. Two sons/daughters with a critical parent, the firstborn might feel he doesn't measure up. Don't be deadly to their self worth.
Firstborn females will tend to be pleasers. They see everything that needs to be done and know that they can do those jobs and do them well, so they work hard to smooth everyone else's path in life, often at great sacrifice to themselves. So if a husband doesn't get a job done that he says he will, the firstborn wife signs and thinks, Well, I guess I'll just have to do it myself. The firstborn female tends to carry the marriage.
If she's a firstborn, she might be happy with a quick outline of your day, with some highlighted points, in other words, a few words will do. She may even be busy with an internal dialogue of her own (what she needs to get done).
*for all boys* But no matter her birth order, every woman needs words in order to feel close to her husband. Every woman thrives on communication. And let's be blunt: by nature we men in general (not just firstborn) aren't very good at it. but does that get us off the hook? No. When you said, I do, you made a promise to love and cherish this woman for a lifetime. And an important part of that promise is getting behind her eyes to see how she views life.
Firstborns can be so focused on the task they forget about the person.
It seems everywhere you look, ther is work- something that needs to be done. And you know you're the one who's going to have to do it. If this sounds like you, why not give yourself a break? Does the carpet really need to be shampooed now? The dining room painted? The garage organized? Firstborns spend the majority of their lives weighted under a long to do list. Why not take yourself out from under that weight?
Great things to say:
Could you possibly help me?
I'm not sure this is right, but here is what I think...
Let me share with you how I see that.
It's not unusual for firstborns to be able to count their good friends on one hand. Firstborns aren't likely to have a great many friends. middleborns/babies have more. Firstborn friendships- more lasting and loyal.
Organization is effortless for firstborns.
Motto: Let me take care of that for you!
Quotes/ my notes:
Physical/Mental Differences or Challenges - Perception is everything and may flip order (athletes, handsome/pretty, height. Closer in age- greater the competition and greater the possibility of role reversal.
Be careful not to map out a plan without input. Firstborn - others in awe, or unnerved by you, your ability to get things one, and your achievements. Supersized Energizer Bunny. What are you going to do with all the horsepower you have?
Be careful not to put goals ahead of recreation/family time. Firstborn women struggle the most with balance in their lives, need to schedule personal time. First thing to go is time with friends, but studies show this relieves the stress the most in a woman's life.
Critical eye- can defeat a firstborn. Two sons/daughters with a critical parent, the firstborn might feel he doesn't measure up. Don't be deadly to their self worth.
Firstborn females will tend to be pleasers. They see everything that needs to be done and know that they can do those jobs and do them well, so they work hard to smooth everyone else's path in life, often at great sacrifice to themselves. So if a husband doesn't get a job done that he says he will, the firstborn wife signs and thinks, Well, I guess I'll just have to do it myself. The firstborn female tends to carry the marriage.
If she's a firstborn, she might be happy with a quick outline of your day, with some highlighted points, in other words, a few words will do. She may even be busy with an internal dialogue of her own (what she needs to get done).
*for all boys* But no matter her birth order, every woman needs words in order to feel close to her husband. Every woman thrives on communication. And let's be blunt: by nature we men in general (not just firstborn) aren't very good at it. but does that get us off the hook? No. When you said, I do, you made a promise to love and cherish this woman for a lifetime. And an important part of that promise is getting behind her eyes to see how she views life.
Firstborns can be so focused on the task they forget about the person.
It seems everywhere you look, ther is work- something that needs to be done. And you know you're the one who's going to have to do it. If this sounds like you, why not give yourself a break? Does the carpet really need to be shampooed now? The dining room painted? The garage organized? Firstborns spend the majority of their lives weighted under a long to do list. Why not take yourself out from under that weight?
Great things to say:
Could you possibly help me?
I'm not sure this is right, but here is what I think...
Let me share with you how I see that.
It's not unusual for firstborns to be able to count their good friends on one hand. Firstborns aren't likely to have a great many friends. middleborns/babies have more. Firstborn friendships- more lasting and loyal.
Organization is effortless for firstborns.
Motto: Let me take care of that for you!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 12, 2015
3.5 Stars, I rounded up.
April 28, 2021
I am an only child and related to a lot of the content in this book. The only area I disagreed with was prescribing the best marriage matches based on birth order. I believe Leman's theory is true, that two first-borns and/or onlies marrying can lead to power struggle, but in my own experience married to a fellow only child, it's not an inevitability. There is even a sentence in the book that says two only children marrying can be a "disaster". I'll admit, when my husband and I do have disagreements, it usually has to do with task-oriented things like who is doing what and who is doing more, so to Leman's credit, this has everything to do with our achievement-oriented natures as first-borns/onlies. The book also mentions that each person in a marriage like ours should have their own areas of responsibility, which was eye opening because I realized my husband and I naturally do this, and it actually does help each of us to be better teammates. In short, I think Leman's thinking and characterization of first-borns is right and that my husband and I both share a lot of the (good and bad) traits Leman discusses throughout the book. However, I wish he didn't take it to an extreme with characterizing marriages based on birth order. I think birth order is useful for understanding personalities and resolving conflict, but there is so much more to whether a marriage can be happy and long-lasting than birth order - things like values, communication, commitment. Plus, as a daughter of a first born son, I always tended to be attracted to first born men even before I met my husband, not specifically because they were first-born but because they were like my dad. Perhaps I was always destined to learn how to give up the power struggle and eat some humble pie. Birth order does affect us, but so does life experience and learning.
January 22, 2020
This was seriously one of the most insightful books I've ever read!
I'm a firstborn, so a lot of this resonated with me, but it was also helpful to see the psychology behind why people do things based on their birth order in the family. I wish I had known all this stuff long ago! Super helpful on multiple levels! I'm looking forward to reading more of Kevin Leman's work.
I'm a firstborn, so a lot of this resonated with me, but it was also helpful to see the psychology behind why people do things based on their birth order in the family. I wish I had known all this stuff long ago! Super helpful on multiple levels! I'm looking forward to reading more of Kevin Leman's work.
January 23, 2022
I’m a first born so everything is so accurate!
February 17, 2013
Born to Win: Keeping Your Firstborn Edge without Losing Your Balance
by Dr. Kevin Leman (author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are
), originally released under the title The Firstborn Advantage: Making Your Birth Order Work for You
is a brilliant book about the pros and cons of being a firstborn.
I am pretty much the stereotypical firstborn - for good and for bad:
Dr. Leman's book will teach you how to make the most of your special abilities as a firstborn, while helping you cope with the things we are more prone to struggle with, such as perfectionism, saying no etc.
by Dr. Kevin Leman (author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are), originally released under the title The Firstborn Advantage: Making Your Birth Order Work for You is a brilliant book about the pros and cons of being a firstborn.I am pretty much the stereotypical firstborn - for good and for bad:
Firstborns need permission to be able to relax. We struggle commonly with time management, stress management, and prioritizing because we tend to take on a lot . . . in fact, too much.
Firstborns and Only Children
Reliable and conscientious, they tend to be list makers and black-and-white thinkers. They have a keen sense of right and wrong and believe there is a “right way” to do things. They are natural leaders and achievement oriented.
Believe it or not, people who have sloppy desks are sometimes more concerned with being perfect than people who appear on the surface to be neat and organized. The person who has the sloppy desk may be what I refer to as a “discouraged perfectionist.” He wants everything in his life to be perfect, and because he knows it never can be, he tends to leave things half done or not done at all. In other words, he’s afraid to attempt things that he knows he can’t do perfectly.
Firstborns are always ready to pitch in and help because they’ve been groomed to do so. They have a high sense of what’s right and what’s wrong. There’s not a lot of gray in the black and white of a firstborn’s world.
Firstborns don’t like surprises. They like things to be orderly and organized.
If you’re a pleaser, your motto in life is peace at any price. You bite off far more than you can chew. You’re the type of person who would do anything for others while leaving nothing for yourself. You hold yourself responsible for other people’s failures and negligence. Your goal in life is to make sure everyone is happy, because then, you reason, you count in life. So you run yourself ragged while trying to do favors for everyone else. Because you bail folks out of messes, people like you. You’re a nice person. You can always be counted on, and people seem to know your soft spots. You spend every day running on a tankful of guilt. You’re driven by that guilt because you know you can never do enough. You just can’t seem to say no.
Many parents tend to view their firstborn children as older than they really are. They expect them to grow up too fast.
Firstborns are goal setters; they are well organized; they are the sort of people who know where they’re going, how they’ll get there, and how long it’s going to take to get there.
Dr. Leman's book will teach you how to make the most of your special abilities as a firstborn, while helping you cope with the things we are more prone to struggle with, such as perfectionism, saying no etc.
February 15, 2013
I am a first born girl. And apparently, there are social clubs for people like me. Unfortunately, the First Born Girl's Social Club is only in America. (Maybe I should see if I could start a Japan charter? Nah, I have too much on my hands as it is). But this is just one of the interesting things I learnt in Born to Win by Kevin Lehman. It's a book for us firstborn kids, but if you've ever wondered why your oldest sibling was _______ (I'm sure you have many words to fill in this blank), or you are an only child (apparently, only childs are very close to firstborns in character), you should pick up this book.
This book is divided into eleven chapters, and it looks at things from "Who's on First?" (Do you know it's possible to have more than one firstborn child in the family?, "The Firstborn Personality" (The following chapter explains why). and how to use this to your advantage at home, school, work, etc. Personally, I thought the first six chapters explaining the personality of a firstborn was the most interesting.
What I like about this book is that it's extremely easy to understand. Even my senior, who admits that she normally can't understand this kind of books, found it easy and interesting. There are quizzes to make things interesting, and it really does help you understand more about yourself. The only parts where I was a little bored would be the later chapters, because it was talking to the firstborn adults.
However, I think the book is worth reading, if only for the first six chapters. I recommended it to my firstborn best friend, and it helped her realise why her sister and her were treated differently, and why they had such different personalities. That was, to the two of us, a big deal because we had grown up wondering why our younger siblings appeared to be spoilt while we got the rod.
For the record, we do get on well with our siblings, but when we were much younger (and even now), we always wondered why our younger sister (the one born a year after us), was our total opposite. For example, I'm generally un-athletic, my younger sister ends up being the team captain of different sports team (my youngest sister is a whole different topic though). I love reading, until recently, my sister didn't have much interest (thankfully, that's changing). The book helped me realise that because we were so similar in age, and were in the same school, she had to find a way to differentiate herself from me.
I think this is a wonderful book. It's a must-read for firstborn children. For the other birth-order kids, you can take a look if you want to understand your older sibling (we're touched), but if you're looking for more information about your place in the birth order, his more general book "The New Birth Order Book" might be more to your liking.
First posted at Inside the mind of a Bibliophile
This book is divided into eleven chapters, and it looks at things from "Who's on First?" (Do you know it's possible to have more than one firstborn child in the family?, "The Firstborn Personality" (The following chapter explains why). and how to use this to your advantage at home, school, work, etc. Personally, I thought the first six chapters explaining the personality of a firstborn was the most interesting.
What I like about this book is that it's extremely easy to understand. Even my senior, who admits that she normally can't understand this kind of books, found it easy and interesting. There are quizzes to make things interesting, and it really does help you understand more about yourself. The only parts where I was a little bored would be the later chapters, because it was talking to the firstborn adults.
However, I think the book is worth reading, if only for the first six chapters. I recommended it to my firstborn best friend, and it helped her realise why her sister and her were treated differently, and why they had such different personalities. That was, to the two of us, a big deal because we had grown up wondering why our younger siblings appeared to be spoilt while we got the rod.
For the record, we do get on well with our siblings, but when we were much younger (and even now), we always wondered why our younger sister (the one born a year after us), was our total opposite. For example, I'm generally un-athletic, my younger sister ends up being the team captain of different sports team (my youngest sister is a whole different topic though). I love reading, until recently, my sister didn't have much interest (thankfully, that's changing). The book helped me realise that because we were so similar in age, and were in the same school, she had to find a way to differentiate herself from me.
I think this is a wonderful book. It's a must-read for firstborn children. For the other birth-order kids, you can take a look if you want to understand your older sibling (we're touched), but if you're looking for more information about your place in the birth order, his more general book "The New Birth Order Book" might be more to your liking.
First posted at Inside the mind of a Bibliophile
August 20, 2019
This book had lots of good points and I relate to some of it as a first born but not the majority. I have always had my own unique tendencies and they don't seem to fit. It was a quick read and I didn't take a whole lot away from it to be able to share or review.
July 25, 2012
I like this author. I've read two of his other books (Sheet Music and Between the Sheets) and found that he "spoke" to me. This book is about the traits of first born children (and that doesn't always mean the first born child--there can be multiple first-borns within a family), and I identified with a lot of what he had to say. Obviously, no one meets all the descriptions, and I recognized some behaviors of people I know who are not first-borns. But it was full of good information for being in relationships, parenting your first-born children, and workplace suggestions. For example, I've always hated performance reviews and now after reading this book, I see why. Lehman describes a personality trait that I truly identified with, the discouraged perfectionist. I found those parts particularly interesting. This isn't a "woe is me" book but suggestions on how to bring out the natural leadership attributes of a first-born while being aware and sensitive of some of the negative traits.
November 10, 2011
I'd vote for 3.5 stars if I could. I think birth order research is pretty fascinating stuff and I think there's a lot of truth to it. I think the more you learn about why people are the way they are, you're more prepared to understand them. It helped me understand things about my oldest child and recognize that I have a healthy dose of similar tendencies. The author is pretty generous in giving his own opinions about what relationships are best and how to work with firstborns. I didn't always agree with him, but overall I was glad I read the book and appreciated that it was a super quick read.
March 18, 2012
This was an interesting read for me as I am a firstborn, along with my husband, father, father-in-law, and of course my own firstborn. The first several chapters were very similar to (the same?) The Birth Order Book, also by Leman, but the later chapter were very interesting. Leman describes the typical characteristics of firstborn relationships (spouse, parent-child, child-parent, friend, etc.) and what can be done to overcome common pitfalls.
December 17, 2012
I find the study of birth order very interesting, and find the concepts often apply very well to most individuals I know. Dr. Lehman helped me, a firstborn, take an honest look at what some of my strengths and weaknesses are because of my place in the family, and enabled me to see why I get along so well with some of my friends.
July 25, 2013
I want to say 2+. There were parts that I really enjoyed from this book and there were also lots of chapter that I thought were boring or not relevant. Overall, it was eye-opening considering myself (a firstborn), how I treat my own first-born, and the differences I can appreciate in others who are not just like me. ha ha
March 6, 2013
This was really helpful for me to understand myself better. I didn't realize my perfectionism comes into play so often in my life! And I also learned a lot about relating to my firstborn daughter as a firstborn myself.
March 14, 2015
The ideas presented are applicable to every sibling in the peking order! Concepts can be used selectively to reach out to children in difficult moments. This book is a wonderful way to be a friend to the child and put the 'parent' aside.
June 7, 2012
Loved this book, easy to read and interesting
February 14, 2013
Disclaimer: I received this book free from amazon kindle
July 25, 2013
Every firstborn should read this book. Now I know that it's not my fault that I'm "bossy" (as my family calls me). It's clearly because of my birth order!
September 6, 2015
I learned to take advantage of my birth order. Great read.
March 9, 2016
ale po slovensky.
prvorodení - vyhoda ci handicap?
paradne, niekedy som sa nasla. inokedy tomu neverim.odmietam sa tym riadit a ovplyvnovat sa
prvorodení - vyhoda ci handicap?
paradne, niekedy som sa nasla. inokedy tomu neverim.odmietam sa tym riadit a ovplyvnovat sa
Want to read
July 24, 2015111
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