Long Way Down

Two people who weren’t allowed to love each other. Two people who now unapologetically do.

There are moments you remember and people you will never fucking forget.

“Being the cause of someone’s happiness, well—that feels like love, doesn’t it?”

1. 'He cups my cheeks, his hands rough and strong. “A hundred-and-fifty miles per hour.”
Tears slip down my cheeks and I murmur, “No brakes.”
“Never any fucking brakes.” He raises my hand in his and kisses my knuckles

2. 'Bubble-wrapped frames.
As soon as the first photo comes into view, it almost knocks me back.
It’s of us.
On the bow of a yacht in Mexico, I have her on my shoulders, and we’re both caught mid-laugh. That was during her nineteenth birthday.
I pull out another. I’m sleeping on a hammock in Costa Rica. She’s kissing my nose.
My chest lifts fucking high in a deep inhale, and I want to see more. So I unwrap another moment.
At a bowling alley. I’m holding her upside-down, only clutching one of her calves, and her smile has overtaken her entire fucking face. I’m staring at her like I couldn’t be happier that she’s happy.
Another. We’re doing backflips off a roof into a pool at the same fucking time.
Another. She’s on her red Ducati. I’m on my black one. I’m flipping her off as she speeds ahead of me. Lo and Lily, in the car behind us, captured the shot. I remember catching up to her that day flirting the whole way to New York with our bikes.
Another. Cancun. Our bungee jump photo.
I pinch my eyes. I go through more. Wedding pictures. The time where Daisy stood on a fucking skateboard five-months pregnant. I was holding her waist. The moment I handed Sullivan to Daisy, when she woke up after surgery.
I have to stop myself, my eyes reddening at our lives spent together'

3. 'I set my hands on my hips, and I say tearfully, “Will you scream with me?”
Without hesitation, Ryke easily climbs onto the counter. He has to lower his head to avoid hitting the ceiling. He stares down at me, his hands sliding against my cheeks.
My chest rises in a livelier inhale, thankful for Ryke. My pillar. My wolf.
My world. My life.
Strongly, he says, “You ready, Calloway?”
“Yes,” I breathe.
And we both scream. All the darkness rippling out of me'

4. 'I rub my leaking eyes, tearful way more than usual these days. When we started this journey, I never realized how many times the rug would be pulled from beneath us. How many times the universe would cackle in our faces. For someone who often keeps their emotions at bay, this process has ripped them to the surface.
I couldn't do this with anyone but Ryke'

5. 'Daisy often talked about living in the wild with me. About being stranded on an island. Just the two of us. Having a baby alone in the rainforest together.
I always thought her fantasies were cute, but it’s not until later in our lives that I see her and me and what she imagined and I think, 'we fucking have that, Calloway.'
No matter where we are. No matter what we do.
It’s who we are.
Fucking primal. And this wild, untamable spirit lives within us'

6. 'As soon as I lean a hip against the railing, elephants slowly trudging in their manmade habitat behind me, I swivel towards a handsome man. He canvasses the area, blue baseball cap dipped kind of low over his brown eyes.
I tap his shoulder. “Hi, sir, do you know if there are chickens at this zoo?” I ask like I’ve never met him in my life.
Ryke lowers his broody gaze down upon me. “You want to see a fucking chicken?”
“Yeah.” I try hard not to smile. “I’m a big fan of cocks.”
He so stoically keeps his composure like the last four times I tried to pick him up. At the penguin exhibit, the polar bears, the lions, and gorillas
I��m hoping the elephants will bring me better luck.
“What kind of fucking cocks?” he asks, his rough exterior not crumbling.
“The large kind.” I motion with my hands, about a foot and a half long. “Like this big.”
His brows rise. “That big?” We unconsciously draw closer, until our legs touch.
“Oh yeah. They’re the best cocks. Always up to play in the morning.” I pause. “You wouldn’t happen to have seen this cock around, would you?”
Ryke sweeps my body, warming me in the cold, and then he pulls my heart-shaped sunglasses halfway off my nose, eyes on my eyes. “Maybe check your fucking imagination. Because there are no cocks that size.”
I feign disbelief. “No, this cock is real. Its favorite thing to do is be inside a field of daisies.”
He pushes my sunglasses back up my nose. “Keep your cocks to yourself.”

7. 'She raises her head, her lips nearing my lips. And she whispers, “What are you going to do to me, pack leader?”
My blood heats, and in the pit of her ear, I murmur, “Make wolf pups with you.”

8. 'I whisper against his lips, “This moment is ours, isn’t it?” I don’t want to share this with anyone else. We ended up on the floor. Just like animals. I break into a smile, and his thumb strokes the long scar on my cheek.
He looks like he could spend the rest of his life on the floor, right here, tangled up with me. He nods and says against my lips, “This is fucking ours.”
I run my fingers through his hair again. “I’m so happy I could scream.”
His lips curve upward. “Then scream, Calloway.”
I howl instead. When he joins in, when he howls with me, my world is absolutely, totally and entirely complete'

9. “You always cared about me. You were always there for me, but this time felt different. You wrapped your coat around me, picked me up in your arms, and said, ‘When life gets fucking hard, you can always turn to me. You need to run? I’ll run with you, Calloway. Just put on some fucking shoes first.’” She smiles, tears streaming down her cheeks, and I feel another one roll down mine. “I realized then that I’d never want to be vulnerable with any other man but you. Someone that understands me. Respects me. Loves me—so wildly. You were the only one. You are the only one."

10. ‘I tune out every time someone says death and Daisy in the same sentence. It’s white noise.
I don’t live in fear of the next step. I don’t prep for the what ifs and rewire the fucked-up variables like Connor.
I drop to my knees in front of the only girl I’ve ever loved. And I live in the fucking moment with her.
However short, however long we have'

11. 'My gaze grows glassier the more I watch her, the more she watches me. Slowly nearing.
The glimmer in her green eyes, the lightness in her gait, the overwhelming smile stretching her scar—this is the look of someone who’s free. Somewhere along the way, she found her voice. Somewhere along the way, she found her stride. I’m just the grateful fucking guy who was given the chance to stand by her side.
Through it all'

'She has a giant, forgiving heart, and no matter how many times people try to burn her, she’s found a way to rise above.'

'I’ve expressed to Frederick how badly I want to let go of these moments that keep terrorizing me. Cleo and Harper harassing me in an elevator. Paparazzi breaking into my bedroom. A pedestrian destroying my bike and then hitting me. The riot in Paris. Neighbor kids playing pranks. Scott Van Wright filming me.
The combination of every foul deed.
Frederick told me the mind is fragile. For as quickly as it can be broken, it can take a lifetime to be repaired. I may never truly let go, but instead of being crippled each time I’m swept back, I’ve found a way to grow stronger.
I talk about it. I explain to Frederick what happened, and his soothing voice relays every safety net around me. How I’m not alone. How I can persevere. How no one is going to hurt me.
It’s not like I’m stoic. I’m crying right now, on the phone with my therapist, but it’s better to let it out. I know that. Keeping it in hurts a thousand times more'

”I’m waiting for you,” he says, no irritation in his voice. No malice or contempt. “I’m patient.” He nods in my direction. “Just like you were with me.”
I scowl. “I’m not fucking patient.”
“You forgot already, bro?” He shakes his head, feigning disappointment.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You would slow down for me when we were on a track, see how I was doing, push me to run just a little faster. You’d do that every time. You could’ve stopped on day one. I yelled at you, called you the worst fucking names, and you just kept running beside me, ahead of me. Waiting for me to catch up to you. And guess what, I did.” His eyes redden. “You were patient with me. So this, right here, is me being patient with you."

’When I glance back at Connor, his eyes are glassed over.
Mine burn raw.
“I’m a man of extraordinary talents, but I need you.” He swallows. “Do you hear what I’m saying?”
“Ti rispetto e ti ammiro così tanto, amico mio. Mi hai aiutato ad essere altruista.” I respect and admire so much about you, my friend. You helped me be selfless.”

’Sully had a will—this poorly written note found in the fucking glove compartment of his green Jeep.
In it, he wrote: Give Ryke Meadows my ashes. I want to be in the clouds, and no one is going to get there but him.
His parents gave me a small portion of his ashes. The rest, they buried in the ground, so I’m going to do my fucking best to leave him in the sky.
“You’re going to climb one last time with me, Sully.” Then I grip the rock.
With the corners of my mouth lifting, I rise off the dirt’

’I was set in my ways back then, ready to pick Lo over Lily, not understanding even a fragment of her own pain, and I was so closed-minded towards her—that I almost missed one of the people I love most. Right in front of me.
I’ve learned a lot since then, and I’m a better fucking person because of Lily Calloway’

1. 'I search for fear, for worry, for hesitation. None of them—not even my brother—wear those sentiments. Their eyes are smiling.
Every set of them.
Lo nods to me, his gaze glassy. “Do your thing.”
I have to fucking ask because this—between all of them—is so different than anything I’ve met before an ascent. “You’re not fucking nervous?” I ask them.
Rose actually smiles. Connor’s lips pull high too, and Lily is beaming like I’m a fucking superhero. Daisy isn’t staring at me, but she’s glowing more than ever, busy twisting wildflowers into a crown, Sulli on her lap.
“I guess we’ve all realized something,” Lo tells me, “You’re not living when you’re not climbing, big brother. None of us are going to keep you on this shitty fucking ground.”
Connor adds, “Unless you want to. We’ll put up with whichever Ryke Meadows you want to give us, but just so you know, I like the one in front of me the best.”
I think about the last ten months. “Thanks,” I say to all of them. “It’s been a long fucking road.” And I needed all of you.
I can’t imagine going through what I did alone. I’d probably be dark and cold. I’d be fucking despondent and barely able to stand. I needed them, and they never gave up on me.'

2. 'We all stare around at each other. Engraining this last certain kind of picture. We started out practically unknown. Then we were swept into the limelight. Years of slowly entering fame culture. Years of protecting one another. Years of growing and missteps and falling backwards.
I want to say in the end, but maybe this is still the middle. In the middle.
I’ve watched Lo become sober.
I’ve watched Lily curb a relentless addiction. (I’m proud of you, sis.)
I’ve watched Rose blaze her own trail and put fire to stereotypes.
I’ve watched Connor fall in love. With more than just himself.
I’ve watched Ryke Meadows unclip his shackles and rise again.
And me. I’ve discovered who I am. I’m not letting her go or hiding her to please other people. I am Daisy Petunia Meadows. And I’m here to stay'

3. 'His casted leg is stretched out with curse words scrawled in black Sharpie. He didn’t care what we wrote, so I suggested our Favorite Sayings from Ryke Meadows.
My favorite: I fucking love you.
Willow’s: I don’t fucking understand Tumblr.
Lo’s: Fuck you, you fucking fuck.
Lily’s: Fucking fantastic.
Rose’s: No means no. Better yet, fuck no.
Connor’s: Connor Cobalt is a fucking narcissist.
Connor’s won the night, but no one wanted to tell him that'

4. 'I practically had no one eight years ago.
It hits me—how we’ve all come together in time. How alone we were before. And I can’t imagine a world where we don’t ever find each other'

'If someone asked me to name the first two attributes of Ryke Meadows, aggressive wouldn't even be on the list. In the heart of his soul lies kindness, wrapped tightly in selflessness that shows in almost every action.

’I’ve tried complimenting him on his effort, and it tanks his mood more than bolsters it. He’s a finicky one, that Ryke Meadows.
But he’s my finicky husband and broody wolf.
And he’s alive. I’m certain. He’s still living somewhere in there. The spark hits his eyes every now and then, but here’s the secret.
He never gives up on me, even when I disappear at night. Even when I wane like the setting sun. His love is unyielding and exists to cloak me through heartache, through misery, through laughter and pain. I love him in every moment.
In every smile. In every frown.
And I will love him after every long way down.
He can mourn. He can grieve. He can be upset for the rest of his life. And still. I will never give up on Ryke Meadows.
Like he never once gave up on me’

"He never gives up on me, even when I disappear at night. Even when I wane like the setting sun. His love is unyielding and exists to cloak me through heartache, through misery, through laughter and pain. I love him in every moment. In every smile. In every frown. And I will love him after every long way down."


"You shouldn’t look at me like that,” I tease. “And how am I looking at you?”
“Like you love me.”
“I do fucking love you."

"So whatever anyone says, whatever anyone thinks - I've lived so very long. I've been in love. I've been free. I'd like to think, no matter where I go, I can still be found. Just look up. I'll be there. That's where I'll be.
Every time the sun shines down, maybe you'll think of me."

"Ryke belongs with nature, able to withstand the seasons and time just like the rocks he climbs. He keeps going, he keeps moving, and he picks everyone up when they've fallen behind."

“Wherever you go, I’ll go.”