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134 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1890
The dark had captured my brain and gave me not an
instant of peace. What if I myself became dissolved
into the dark, turned into it?
I leaned forward with my elbows on the windowsill and gazed at the sky. It promised to be a clear day. Autumn had arrived, that lovely, cool time of year when everything turns color and dies. The streets had already begun to get noisy, tempting me to go out. This empty room, where the floor rocked up and down at every step I took, was like a horrible, broken-down coffin.
Suddenly one or two good sentences occur to me, suitable for a sketch or story, nice linguistic flukes the likes of which I had never experienced before. I lie there repeating these words to myself and find that they are excellent. Presently they’re joined by others, I’m at once wide-awake, sit up and grab paper and pencil from the table behind my bed. It was as though a vein had burst inside me – one word follows another, they connect with one another and turn into situations; scenes pile on top of other scenes, actions and dialogue well up in my brain, and a wonderful sense of pleasure takes hold of me. I write as if possessed, filling one page after another without a moment’s pause. My thoughts strike me so suddenly and continue to pour out so abundantly that I lose a lot of minor details I’m not able to write down fast enough, though I am working at full blast. They continue to crowd in on me, I am full of my subject, and every word I write is put in my mouth.
The devil only knew why you had to be turned into a veritable freak just because of hunger! I experienced rage once more, its final flare-up, a spasm…Here I was, with a head on my shoulders without its equal in the whole country, and with a pair of fists, by golly, that could grind the town porter to fine dust, and yet I was turning into a freak from hunger, right here in the city of Kristiania!Yet the idea of begging, or even asking, for help is anathema to him. He needs no help, he will accept no charity.
Rotten Patches were beginning to appear in my inner being, black spongy growths that were spreading more and more. And God sat in his heaven keeping a watchful eye on me, making sure that my destruction took place according to all the rules of the game, slowly and steadily, with no letup. But in the pit of hell the devils were raising their hackles in fury because it was taking me such a long time to commit a cardinal sin, an unforgivable sin for which God in his righteousness had to cast me down.God plotting against him, Satan awed by his retraint in the face of such trials, and the world too stupid to recognize his worth. This psychological profile is fascinating stuff.
“La locura se apodera rabiosa de mi cerebro y yo se lo permito, soy muy consciente de que estoy sometido a influencias sobre las que no tengo ningún control”Estamos presos de nuestro temperamento, de nuestro carácter, de nuestras capacidades, de nuestros esquemas mentales, no siempre reconocibles, de nuestras pulsiones interiores, no siempre conscientes y, por tanto y a menudo, fuera de nuestro control. No siempre sabemos por qué sentimos lo que sentimos, por qué de repente cambia ese sentimiento, por qué nos arrepentimos tan pronto de reacciones que nos parecieron tan adecuadas en su momento, por qué reaccionamos de la manera que lo hacemos, de forma tan impropia, llegamos a pensar, de nosotros mismos. Como al protagonista sin nombre de la novela, parece que es el mero azar, la pura aleatoriedad mental, la que protagoniza en ocasiones nuestra psique. No controlamos nuestro destino. Nos engañamos, nos mentimos, nos justificamos. Pobres de nosotros.
“He hecho un intento de escribir… un libro sobre las delicadas oscilaciones de una vulnerable alma humana, sobre esa extraña vida de la mente, sobre los misterios de los nervios en un cuerpo consumido por el hambre.”
It is as if a score of diminutive gnome-like insects set their heads on one side and gnawed for a little, then laid their heads on the other side and gnawed a little more, then lay quite still for a moment’s space, and then began afresh, boring noiselessly in, and without any haste, and left empty spaces everywhere after them as they went on.However, despite this unbearable burden of abject poverty and indeterminate survival, he releases episodes into his life that brings one of the foremost teachings of my father, rushing to my mind. My baba, as I address him, maintained that one can live without food for days, without peace for hours and without air for minutes but one cannot live without dignity and self-respect for even a second.
" أنت أفقر من أن يكون لك ضمير، أنت جائع "
"وكنت في شدة الجوع الهائلة، فتناولت قطعة خشب من الطريق ألوكها في فمي، وقد أفادتني بالفعل، فكيف أني لم أفكر فيها من قبل!"
" ومرت بي عربة تسير ببطء، فإذا هي محملة بالبطاطا، فخطر لي من شدة الحنق ولمجرد المشاكسة والعناد وأقول أن ما عليها ليس بطاطا، بل هو ملفوف. وأقسمت وأغلظت القسم أنه ملفوف، وسمعت مقالي كلمة كلمة، وظللت أؤكد هذا الكذب بالقسم، وأنا واعٍ أنني أكذب وأقسم، لا شيء إلا لأشفي غليلًا في نفسي بارتكاب إثم اليمين الكاذبة. وأحسست بنشوية لإتياني هذا الذنب الذي لا مثيل له، فرفعت ثلاث أصابع وأقسمت بشفتين مضطربتين، باسم الأب والابن والروح القدس، أن ما أراه هو ملفوف لا بطاطا "