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Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: A Relational/Neurobiological Approach
Chronic shame is painful, corrosive, and elusive. It resists self-help and undermines even intensive psychoanalysis. Patricia A. DeYoung’s cutting-edge book gives chronic shame the serious attention it deserves, integrating new brain science with an inclusive tradition of relational psychotherapy. She looks behind the myriad symptoms of shame to its relational essence. As DeYoung describes how chronic shame is wired into the brain and developed in personality, she clarifies complex concepts and makes them available for everyday therapy practice. Grounded in clinical experience and alive with case examples, Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame is highly readable and immediately helpful. Patricia A. DeYoung’s clear, engaging writing helps readers recognize the presence of shame in the therapy room, think through its origins and effects in their clients’ lives, and decide how best to work with those clients. Therapists will find that Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame enhances the scope of their practice and efficacy with this client group, which comprises a large part of most therapy practices. Challenging, enlightening, and nourishing, this book belongs in the library of every shame-aware therapist.
206 pages, Paperback
First published February 9, 2015
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
December 1, 2022
Let’s talk about shame.
SHAME!
Shame is a very social (relational) emotion.
People develop healthy (appropriate) shame in early childhood (beginning around age 2) as we become aware of our parents, and later peers expectations regarding our behavior.
Socialized (as it were).
Louis Cozolino writes: “appropriate shame and guilt supports the development of the social conscience, deepens our empathetic abilities, and enhances our self-esteem as a caring person. In contrast, core shame develops as a function of overwhelmingly negative attachment experiences. The emotions of core shame are distinguishable from healthy shame in that they are not related to behavior but to the experience of the self. Children and adults with core shame come to experience themselves as fundamentally defective, worthless, and unlovable. Core shame is the polar opposite of self-esteem.”
Oh man.
What he said ☝️
I’m feeling it.
In other words.
If you grow up in a neglecting, or unpredictable, or abusive emotional environment. And you are held in that state of yuck for too long. You emerge into childhood, adolescence and later adulthood feeling broken, or empty, or unworthy of love, and maybe like an imposter, or that you have to be extra, or perfect just to get your basic needs met.
You don’t so much think all that as FEEL it.
You SENSE it at the CORE of your being.
It’s a VISCERAL type of knowing that we rarely come to explicitly understand. But that DOMINATES our lives, at work, school and especially….
In relationship 🫥
Core shame is the hallmark of developmental trauma.
And the thing behind the thing with most:
- addiction
- anxiety
- depression
I could go on.
This book is about a very similar (almost identical) construct.
Chronic shame.
Patricia DeYoung defines chronic shame as “an experience of one's felt sense of self disintegrating in relation to a dysregulating other.”
Have you ever been put on the spot, or felt judged or rejected, and part of you just freezes?
Goes off line?
Goes blank?
Can’t talk?
Can’t think?
You become disoriented.
Dissociated.
You wish you could disappear.
Your sense of self disappears.
If the answer is yes, I imagine your next question might be:
So what can one do about this?
That’s what this book is all about.
Understanding (and importantly) treating (if you’re a therapist) or recovering from (particularly if you’re a therapist) chronic shame.
I could write a book about this book.
But it would be better if you just read the book.
5/5 stars ⭐️
SHAME!
Shame is a very social (relational) emotion.
People develop healthy (appropriate) shame in early childhood (beginning around age 2) as we become aware of our parents, and later peers expectations regarding our behavior.
Socialized (as it were).
Louis Cozolino writes: “appropriate shame and guilt supports the development of the social conscience, deepens our empathetic abilities, and enhances our self-esteem as a caring person. In contrast, core shame develops as a function of overwhelmingly negative attachment experiences. The emotions of core shame are distinguishable from healthy shame in that they are not related to behavior but to the experience of the self. Children and adults with core shame come to experience themselves as fundamentally defective, worthless, and unlovable. Core shame is the polar opposite of self-esteem.”
Oh man.
What he said ☝️
I’m feeling it.
In other words.
If you grow up in a neglecting, or unpredictable, or abusive emotional environment. And you are held in that state of yuck for too long. You emerge into childhood, adolescence and later adulthood feeling broken, or empty, or unworthy of love, and maybe like an imposter, or that you have to be extra, or perfect just to get your basic needs met.
You don’t so much think all that as FEEL it.
You SENSE it at the CORE of your being.
It’s a VISCERAL type of knowing that we rarely come to explicitly understand. But that DOMINATES our lives, at work, school and especially….
In relationship 🫥
Core shame is the hallmark of developmental trauma.
And the thing behind the thing with most:
- addiction
- anxiety
- depression
I could go on.
This book is about a very similar (almost identical) construct.
Chronic shame.
Patricia DeYoung defines chronic shame as “an experience of one's felt sense of self disintegrating in relation to a dysregulating other.”
Have you ever been put on the spot, or felt judged or rejected, and part of you just freezes?
Goes off line?
Goes blank?
Can’t talk?
Can’t think?
You become disoriented.
Dissociated.
You wish you could disappear.
Your sense of self disappears.
If the answer is yes, I imagine your next question might be:
So what can one do about this?
That’s what this book is all about.
Understanding (and importantly) treating (if you’re a therapist) or recovering from (particularly if you’re a therapist) chronic shame.
I could write a book about this book.
But it would be better if you just read the book.
5/5 stars ⭐️
March 5, 2017
This book helped me complete my long-term therapy for attachment issues.
Processing anxiety and anger from child abuse and neglect in an excellent long-term therapy, my therapist and I found ourselves stuck at a deep point after years of productive work, unable to understand some of my recurring anger at her. A Psychology Today article alerted me that my anger might come from shame. I looked shame up on my Kindle and chose this book, which led my therapist and I through processing my shame. Once my shame was processed, the anxiety and anger evaporated. I am grateful to live in a time when we can easily access the work of deep thinkers on very specific subjects via a simple five-minute Internet search. Thank you, Dr. DeYoung.
Processing anxiety and anger from child abuse and neglect in an excellent long-term therapy, my therapist and I found ourselves stuck at a deep point after years of productive work, unable to understand some of my recurring anger at her. A Psychology Today article alerted me that my anger might come from shame. I looked shame up on my Kindle and chose this book, which led my therapist and I through processing my shame. Once my shame was processed, the anxiety and anger evaporated. I am grateful to live in a time when we can easily access the work of deep thinkers on very specific subjects via a simple five-minute Internet search. Thank you, Dr. DeYoung.
June 26, 2021
This book is, hands-down, one of the best therapy books I’ve ever read. DeYoung posits a cohesive, understandable and neurobiologically informed theory of shame and its treatment.
This book was beautifully written, provided insights that were relevant for myself and potential clients, and adds a much needed and significant layer to the current literature available regarding shame within therapy.
I will be reading this more than once, and would highly recommend it to anyone in the field.
This book was beautifully written, provided insights that were relevant for myself and potential clients, and adds a much needed and significant layer to the current literature available regarding shame within therapy.
I will be reading this more than once, and would highly recommend it to anyone in the field.
October 12, 2015
This is an accessibly and engagingly written, comprehensive overview of the phenomenon of shame as understood in a variety of psychotherapeutic and neuroscientific traditions. Exploring the relational roots of chronic shame, the author provides vivid case studies to illustrate the ways shame is often the cornerstone of other behaviours (such as addiction), 'conditions' (depression, anxiety, personality disorder, dissociation, etc), and difficulties in relating that might be a client's ostensible presenting problem. Proposing a relational approach to working with shame in ways that allow it to be spoken about openly, and to give a reparative experience of relationship that encourages a visceral, 'right-brain' experience of being accepted with all their human fallibilities, the author resists the temptation to offer a cure, but suggests ways of 'managing' chronic shame, through knowing how to identify it and understanding how it operates in ourselves and our clients.
March 29, 2022
This book does a good job of integrating a lot of heavy and complex theoretical material into something coherent and helpful. In my view it is not a beginners text and you will get the most from it if you are already comfortable with some principles from interpersonal neurobiology, object relations theory, and self-psychology. This text is certainly a springboard for further thinking and reading, emphasis on the further reading. It will be worth a read if you are a therapist working with complex trauma, relational difficulties, or with people who have had adverse life experiences in their developmental history. I listened to the audiobook version and I was impressed by the narration. At times the book dives into some pretty complex (and verbose) stuff, but the narrator holds up pretty consistently across the book, which made taking it in much easier.
June 20, 2021
I learnt so much from this book and can’t recommend it enough. It reminds me to make every session with my clients a nonjudgmental empathic hour, not hurrying too much. The beautify of being just being there, slowly discovering how the past affect the now, was clear. Interesting case stories made the theory even more interesting.
February 10, 2017
Should be read by all therapists
I would recommend this book to all therapists and also clients as it explains exactly how to deal constructively with shame. Also how to deal with shame when it comes up in the therapeutic relationship. A very easy to understand honest book.
I would recommend this book to all therapists and also clients as it explains exactly how to deal constructively with shame. Also how to deal with shame when it comes up in the therapeutic relationship. A very easy to understand honest book.
August 10, 2020
The best book I’ve ever read on shame. Loved it. She weaves in personal vignettes with theory.
January 15, 2024
Really more for therapists than everyday readers. I put it down because there were so few practical applications for the average person. Even though it was interesting and made me think, it just motivated me to find another book geared towards the average person. In addition to the lack of practical insights, the language and terminology of the book was pretty far above my head too. And I read empirical self-help books regularly.
November 23, 2017
Fantastic.
December 30, 2017
One of the best books in my counseling library.
March 22, 2018
Mind-blowing, life-changing. I only give 5 stars if it was also enjoyable to read and/or it's one I'd keep going back to.
August 11, 2020
By far, the most helpful book, practically and theoretically, that I have read in my training as a therapist. A must-read!
Read
February 15, 2023
"Shame, as specifically a right-brain experience, is a relatively pure form of shame affect that overwhelms and wipes out sense of self. So, essentially whenever you're shamed, you kind of disintegrate from the inside and lose who you are and it leaves you vulnerable to the person shaming you. The ability to bring yourself back to your sense of self is how you determine if it's chronic or acute. I've experienced religious shame. There's so many rules when it comes to religion and so much hypocrisy and it's kind of just embedded within society. I know we separate church and state, but everyone knows the concept of "One nation under God", and how you follow certain rules, and if you don't follow these rules, you're shamed and you're outcast. I went to church every Sunday. It can go on for like 10 hours. It's like, well, if we haven't caught the holy ghost yet, he's not coming."
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July 19, 2022
Puiki knyga, kuomet kyla klausimų dirbant su gėdos jausmą išgyvenančiais klientais. Autorė pavyzdžiais, remdamasi įvairiais literatūros šaltiniais, supažindina su šiuo labai intensyviu jausmu: jo susiformavimo aplinkybėmis, žmogaus gebėjimu "būti" su gėda, kai kartais tas buvimas adaptyvus, kartais – ne, kaip psichoterapeutams "matyti" šiuos pacientus ir su jais komunikuoti. Praplečianti akiratį ir duodanti stimulą galvoti ir pergavoti, dar kartą paskatinanti, kad kartais svarbiau dirbti ne interpretacijomis, o santykiu.
"Chronic shame is first felt sense of nobody understands or cares about me, with the felt implication, so I'm not worth care and understanding. Ideas about being inadequate, wrong or flawed follow in order to make sense of the feeling."
"Chronic shame is first felt sense of nobody understands or cares about me, with the felt implication, so I'm not worth care and understanding. Ideas about being inadequate, wrong or flawed follow in order to make sense of the feeling."
September 24, 2024
This is an important book, a brilliant synthesis of polyvagal science and attachment theory and a deep intuitive feel for how psychotherapy works and heals by a gifted clinician. It supports my belief that you could write books and books about all the varieties of shame and what we do with it and still have more to say. It’s a famously paralyzing, silencing condition, we all know about it, and DeYoung hacks away at it like a sculptor at a formidable hulk of marble. My edition is massively underlined and highlighted. Thank you for this incisive map of our collective psyche. The mountain has become navigable, scalable. Bravo, bravo, bravo.
November 22, 2024
This is the kind of book that’s so good, you question every 5-star review you’ve ever left. I listened to the audiobook and two chapters in ordered a physical copy which arrived today, just in time to start over!
An absolute must-read for anyone who struggles with deep shame or loves someone who does, or treats someone who does. If you’ve never felt understood, I’d almost bet my life you will once you read this and put it in practice.
A proper review to come after I move slowly and thoughtfully through the second reading. Damn. So good!
An absolute must-read for anyone who struggles with deep shame or loves someone who does, or treats someone who does. If you’ve never felt understood, I’d almost bet my life you will once you read this and put it in practice.
A proper review to come after I move slowly and thoughtfully through the second reading. Damn. So good!
April 5, 2019
So good. For all my therapist friends this is a must read. This book has really sharpened my knowledge on the subject of shame and gives practical useful information about treating shame. It also validates the things we already do to counter shame and gives a wonderful neurological description of why those things work. For my non therapist friends: This book is still useful in understanding this complex human emotion that is undoubtedly in you and those around you.
May 24, 2023
4.5/5
An excellent book on the topic of shame for practicing therapists. I am not someone who normally highlights a book, but I had to pull it out for this one so I can come back to important parts. She weaves together clinical practice and neuroscience effectively throughout, making it both practical and yet drawing from a strong theoretical base. Probably a book I will go back and re-read, if nothing else what I underlined.
An excellent book on the topic of shame for practicing therapists. I am not someone who normally highlights a book, but I had to pull it out for this one so I can come back to important parts. She weaves together clinical practice and neuroscience effectively throughout, making it both practical and yet drawing from a strong theoretical base. Probably a book I will go back and re-read, if nothing else what I underlined.
June 25, 2024
Patricia DeYoung is incredibly articulate and thorough in this book which carries deep and holy stories of shame from therapy rooms and personal life. Littered with psychological jargon and dense dense pages (as well as therapeutic approaches for confronting shame), this book is one to take slowly and in chunks— not to be listened to on audible, but read over and over again, underlined and wept into.
June 29, 2018
De Young knowledge of shame shines through wonderfully in this book. Overall quite a dense high level book but balanced well with anecdotes and information that is immediately relevant. Read it slowly and really absorb the book to get the most out of it.
Until proven otherwise after this book, I believe shame is an important part of therapy and all therapists should be shame-aware
Until proven otherwise after this book, I believe shame is an important part of therapy and all therapists should be shame-aware
November 8, 2020
This book has been really helpful in my clinical work as a psychotherapist! I love how Patricia brought in the neurobiological explanation with Schore's research, Gilbert's relational style in compassion focused therapy, and her provision of examples on how as a therapist, we can communicate in a right brain to right brain manner with our service users.
Highly recommended.
Highly recommended.
December 23, 2020
Should be required reading for all psychotherapists
This book should be required reading for all those looking to help others through all branches of the “talking therapies”. It brings together so many theories and shows how they link together and overlap in our understanding of this core condition of so many people in therapy
This book should be required reading for all those looking to help others through all branches of the “talking therapies”. It brings together so many theories and shows how they link together and overlap in our understanding of this core condition of so many people in therapy
April 27, 2024
Autorka zauważa, że wstyd pojawia się w kontakcie z deregulującym innym i że jedynie prawopółkulowy kontakt z pacjentem może być skuteczny. Żadne racjonalne analizy, logiczne omówienia nie przyniosą skutkow, jakie da szczera, akceptująca, empatyczna relacja z terapeutą.
March 4, 2022
hokey
May 10, 2022
Metabolizing shame is a skill we all deserve to have developed. This book is academic but the perspective and freedom if offers are worth it a thousand fold.
December 9, 2023
Once hurt, human beings have remarkably creative ways to repel and avoid further harm, and so relational trauma engenders a wide spectrum of self-protective symptoms.
Long have I neglected this hidden realm, an aspect of my personality concealed beneath layers of fear, a sanctuary of unspoken vulnerabilities. Some of my behavioral patterns are but intricate camouflages, cloaking psychological shadows that elude the grasp of conventional therapy and regimented routines.
Shame is defined. Shame has many facets.
Those who define shame as emotion deepen our visceral sense of what it costs to suffer shame.
What is shame? And who defined it for you?
Long have I neglected this hidden realm, an aspect of my personality concealed beneath layers of fear, a sanctuary of unspoken vulnerabilities. Some of my behavioral patterns are but intricate camouflages, cloaking psychological shadows that elude the grasp of conventional therapy and regimented routines.
Shame is defined. Shame has many facets.
Those who define shame as emotion deepen our visceral sense of what it costs to suffer shame.
What is shame? And who defined it for you?
January 13, 2024
This is a great insight for a therapist but also for those who are in therapy and want to have an outer look and how to find a way you and your therapist through your shame.
June 2, 2024
In two words: Have Empathy.
A very academic deep dive into the topic of shame. Written to therapists, not the layman.
A very academic deep dive into the topic of shame. Written to therapists, not the layman.
October 29, 2024
This book was not written for me. It was very high level. I did learn from it and think it would be a great book for therapist.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews