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240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1796
"Meanwhile she had raised her neckerchief and placed one of my hands on her breast. She was silent and so was I. She appeared to experience the greatest rapture. She asked me to kiss her forehead, her cheeks, her eyes, and her lips. I obeyed her. I do not think there can have been any harm in that. Meanwhile her pleasure increased, and as I asked nothing better than to add to her pleasure in any innocent way, I kissed her again on her forehead, her cheeks, her eyes, and her lips... She exhorted me stammering and in a low and strange voice to redouble my caresses, and I did so. Then came a moment, I do not know if it was pleasure or pain, when she turned pale as death: her eyes closed, all her body stiffened violently, her lips first were tightened and then wet as if with a light froth; then her mouth opened slightly and she seemed to me to die, as she uttered a deep sigh. I got up quickly: I thought she was ill. I wished to go out and call for help. She opened her eyes fully and said in a dying voice: 'My innocent, it is nothing. What are you going to do? It is nothing.' I looked at her with puzzled eyes, uncertain if I should go or stay. She opened her eyes once more. She could no longer say anything. She signaled to me to approach and put me on to her knees again. I do not understand what went on inside me. I was afraid, I trembled, my heart thumped, I had difficulty in breathing, I felt disturbed, oppressed, agitated; I was frightened. I felt that my strength was abandoning me and that I was going to swoon. But I cannot say that the experience was exactly painful."
"She took my arms and kissed them. 'Fancy drowning these eyes in tears,' and she kissed them, 'or calling forth from these lips complaints and groans,' and she kissed my lips, 'or condemning this charming and serene countenance to continual clouds of sorrow,' and she kissed my face, 'or withering the roses on these cheeks,' and she stroked them with her hand and kissed them, 'or destroying the beauty of that head, tearing that hair out, and lining that brow with care,' and she kissed my head, my brow, and my hair. 'Fancy daring to put a rope round that neck and tear those shoulders with pointed nails!' She pushed aside the covering of my neck and head and opened the top of my dress. My hair fell scattered on my bare shoulders: my breast was half-exposed, and she covered with kisses my neck, bare shoulders, and half-naked breast. [...] I do not know what was happening inside me, but I was seized with a terror, a trembling, and a desire to swoon which verified my suspicion that her illness was contagious."
"She paused here, and properly so, for what she was going to ask me was not right. And perhaps I am still more wrong to repeat it. But I have made up my mind to hide nothing.
'You have never been tempted to observe with satisfaction how handsome you are?'
'No, Mother; I am not sure I am as handsome as you say. And even if I were, one is handsome for others, not for oneself.'
'You have never thought of running your hands over your lovely breast, over your body, your flesh, which is so firm, so soft, and so white.'"
"'One only goes to confession to accuse oneself of one's sins; and I see none in my tender love for such a lovable girl as Saint Susan.'"
"By day, if I was walking or in the work- or recreation-room and placed in such a manner that I could not see her, she passed whole hours gazing at me."
"Follow his advice [to avoid the Mother Superior] and try to be ignorant of the reasons for it [lesbianism] as long as you live."
"But it seems to me that if I knew the danger I should be the more attentive to avoid it."
"The opposite might perhaps be the case."
"But can the caresses and familiarities of one woman be dangerous to another?"
There was no answer from Dom Morel.
"Am I not the same as when I arrived here?"
There was no answer from Dom Morel.
"Should I not have continued to be the same? Where, then, is the harm of loving, of saying so, and testifying to it? It is so sweet."
"Alone in bed, [the Mother Superior] sees me, talks to me, asks me to come and stand beside her, addresses me the tenderest remarks. If she hears steps round her room she cries: 'It is she who is going by. I recognize her step. Let her be called in... No, no, let her be.'
The curious thing is that she never made a mistake, taking another for me."
"'Her eyes, her lips. When shall I see her again? Sister Agatha, tell her I love her. Describe my condition to her. Tell her I am dying...'"
"But where's the danger in one woman's intimacy with and caresses for another woman?"
Dom Morel said nothing.
"Am I not just the same as I was when I came here?"
Dom Morel said nothing.
"Wouldn't I have carried on being the same? So where's the harm in loving one another, in saying so and in showing it? It's so pleasant!"