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298 pages, Paperback
First published August 21, 2007
“Have you ever had a friend turn on you? Just totally transform from someone you thought you knew into someone…else? I’m not talking your boyfriend from nursery school who grows up and gets gawky and ugly and zitty, … or even a girl in your clique who suddenly breaks away and turns goth or into one of those granola Outward Bound kids…”
Also, no idea what a “granola Outward Bound kid” is.
At any rate, Shepard continues to remind us to take the friendship groups of 13-year-olds far too seriously, in order that the following story will make sense. Also, it is indicated that all of a sudden we should suspect Spencer of murdering Alison, even though that wouldn’t make sense. Plot direction signposted, the story begins.
Everyone's current problems are as follows: Spencer’s teacher has submitted one of her essays for a nationwide competition. But in a shocking and unforeseen twist, the essay is one of those which she copied from her sister. Will anyone find out? Yes, they will. Aria is torn between her sexy, gorgeous boyfriend and the sexy, gorgeous teacher she slept with a few weeks ago. Emily is worrying about her combination of judgmental friends, racist and homophobic mother and black girlfriend, which are bound to collide at some point. And Hanna is preparing for best friend Mona’s ridiculously ostentations MTV-worthy birthday party, which doesn’t really seems as serious as the other issues but will no doubt lead to some exciting boy-related high-jinks and traumas.
Everything proceeds as usual. Labels and brands are mentioned gratuitously, and generally mean nothing to me. The one police officer interested in the murder case continues his lacklustre investigation by vaguely threatening a group of teenage girls and revealing information about the police’s suspicions. ‘A’ continues to send dull and threatening messages. Spencer and her sister continue to fight over Melissa’s boyfriend. This time it’s ex-from-3½ years ago-but-now-current Ian once again, rather than current-ex-but-boyfriend-a-few-months-ago Wren, which makes no difference whatsoever as Melissa only involves herself with boys who are constantly looking for an excuse to flirt with / assault her sister.
Meanwhile the local press show a private video they have obtained of all 5 of the young girls in their pyjamas hinting at private sexual matters, filmed just before Alison’s disappearance. I’m pretty sure this is illegal and disgraceful, but no one comments other than to lament the fact that they aren’t wearing less clothes. Emily’s lesbian kiss photograph is finally revealed to the population of Rosewood; they are characteristically offensive about it, and she is characteristically ashamed and whiney. Hannah falls out with her best friend because they are both unbelievably stupid, and also turns out to have had the same mobile phone for the last 3½ years, even though during that period she metamorphosed from “dork” to the most trend-conscious person who’s ever lived. Spencer takes to having the sort of blurry, unidentifiable flashbacks so popular with characters in badly written crime melodramas. Emily becomes the most popular girl in school due to being a lesbian, assuming you equate popularity with being a sexualised joke. Fortunately, all the characters in the book do just that, excepting Emily’s parents, who attempt to involve her in some type of anti-gay brainwashing cult. Everyone continues to have vague memories that Alison might have been upset before she dies, or might have said summat about having a secret, older, murderous boyfriend, but they can’t quite remember and anyway they haven’t got time to think about that now, nor have they had time for 3½ years. Not with all the parties and shopping and sex. Shepard continues to both mis- and over-use the prefix “über”. Nothing changes.
There’s an awful lot of nothing to get through in this book. Aria visiting the local graveyard (for both human and animals remains, apparently) for the purpose of seeing/quoting goth clichés. Hanna continuing to fall out with her friend in a pathetically childish manner. Spencer confiding her mundane sibling-rivalry-based problems to her therapist, who responds using trite pieces of advice she seems to have picked up from reading Cosmopolitan, as well as the totally discredited technique of hypnosis. This leads to more TV-Show-Recovered-Memory-Syndrome, complete with vivid flashbacks the protagonists can’t escape, and obligatory semi-useless “revelations” about the past. Everyone harps on about there being a stalker in Rosewood, although not much stalking happens. Aria continues to moan on and on about her dad’s affair, whilst hypocritically and predictably cheating on her boyfriend with her ex, the creepy teacher. Some boy who’s never been mentioned before decides to cheer Hanna up by taking her on a hot air balloon ride, as you do for girls you hardly know. Spencer becomes so bored she begins to suspect herself of having murdered Alison, just for summat to do.
Emily continues to attend her anti-gay cult (which mainly consists of one ex-lesbian in hello kitty jewellery) in order to avoid being sent away to live with her American Gothic hick relatives in Iowa, who spend their days dreaming of nunneries and writing books on sin. Which is a shame, as I might be interested in an anti-Pollyanna / Cold Comfort Farm subplot where Emily teaches her countrified relatives the merits of Gucci and lesbianism and they all run away to New York to take jobs in advertising and live happily ever after. But so far we’re stuck in the soulless vacuum that is Rosewood.
Eventually Spencer attempts to strengthen the random hints at the beginning of the book that she is the murderer by suddenly pushing her sister down the stairs whilst having incriminating flashbacks of doing the same thing to Alison. The whole thing is equally melodramatic and ridiculous, although no more so than Hanna’s breakdown when she tears her dress at a party she shouldn’t have been at in the first place. Meanwhile Emily’s anti-gay counsellor meets a pink-clad ex-girlfriend with a Pokémon appliqué on her thumb and suddenly remembers that actually she is most definitely a lesbian. Consequently Emily, who makes all her relationship decisions by mirroring the person nearest to her, also decides that she is definitely a lesbian, and makes a scene about it at the abovementioned party. Meanwhile Aria has a prophetic dream-vision of Alison (who you can tell is dead, because her lipstick’s wonky) urging her to look for clues. This is written in the style of a derivative horror screenplay, and is se risible it doesn’t seem worth my time to mock it. Immediately afterward her older pervert boyfriend is arrested on the say-so of her younger, boring boyfriend, who is inexplicably allowed to attend the arrest as though the police operation is merely part of his own personal revenge mission. Then a whole lot of previously revealed secret are re-hashed before we replay the ending of the last book (the girls suddenly decide who the killer/blackmailer is all at once during a group phone-call) except this time without Spencer, since she is the new suspect. Meanwhile, Spencer continues to abruptly recall a whole load of repressed memories about Alison’s death via the medium of spontaneous vivid hallucinations. Which isn’t terribly likely. Disappointingly, we also find out that Melissa is still alive.
We conclude with the girls once more deciding that the best way to deal with their suspicions is to start crazily driving about in the dark casting accusations at people, since that worked out so well last time. They do keep thinking “This makes no sense”, but sadly fail to listen to their own well-founded doubts. This time instead of leading to a random boy’s suicide it results in Hanna being run over, which I must admit I found pretty satisfying. Sadly, I doubt there will be a fatality. Then, abruptly, the end.
Worst Competitive Swimming Slogan
INSTANT SWIM CHICK! JUST ADD WATER !
“I’ll be a smarter, cuter Paris Hilton.”
Natatorium
“And wasn’t going to her worst enemy’s therapist like going to an ugly girl’s plastic surgeon?”
“Spencer feared she’d probably come out of her very first shrink session with the mental-health equivalent of hideously lopsided fake boobs.”
“a Desperate Housewives–style interpretation of Medea”
“She still felt like a punked-out, faux-leather-wearing, freethinking Bratz doll in a sea of Pretty Princess of Preppyland Barbies.”
“ “I don’t think adultery is permissible or forgivable,” she said softly. “Ever.” ”
“SCISSOR SISTERS, which could be a band or a salon or a cult.”
“I have a negative-edge pool”
“Even as she typed that word—lesbian-… it seemed strange to think that it applied to her. She didn’t like it, as a word—it made her think of rice pudding, which she despised.”
“Spencer was lying on her bed, watching her palm-leaf ceiling fan go
around and around. The fan cost more than a decent running car, but Spencer had begged her mom to buy it because it looked identical to the fan in her private cabana the time her family stayed at the Caves in Jamaica.”