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Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
"What the heck is my partner thinking?" is a common refrain in romantic relationships, and with good reason. Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to actually neurologically prime the brain for greater love and fewer conflicts.
Wired for Love is a complete insider’s guide to understanding your partner’s brain and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust. Synthesizing research findings on how and why love lasts drawn from neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, this book presents ten guiding principles that can improve any relationship.
Strengthen your relationship by:
Creating and maintaining a safe “couple bubble” Using morning and evening rituals to stay connected Learning to fight so that nobody loses Becoming the expert on what makes your partner feel loved By learning to use simple gestures and words, readers can learn to put out emotional fires and help their partners feel more safe and secure. The no-fault view of conflict in this book encourages readers to move past a "warring brain" mentality and toward a more cooperative "loving brain" understanding of the relationship. This book is essential reading for couples and others interested in understanding the complex dynamics at work behind love and trust in intimate relationships.
While there’s no doubt that love is an inexact science, if you can discover how you and your partner are wired differently, you can overcome your differences to create a lasting intimate connection.
Wired for Love is a complete insider’s guide to understanding your partner’s brain and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust. Synthesizing research findings on how and why love lasts drawn from neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, this book presents ten guiding principles that can improve any relationship.
Strengthen your relationship by:
Creating and maintaining a safe “couple bubble” Using morning and evening rituals to stay connected Learning to fight so that nobody loses Becoming the expert on what makes your partner feel loved By learning to use simple gestures and words, readers can learn to put out emotional fires and help their partners feel more safe and secure. The no-fault view of conflict in this book encourages readers to move past a "warring brain" mentality and toward a more cooperative "loving brain" understanding of the relationship. This book is essential reading for couples and others interested in understanding the complex dynamics at work behind love and trust in intimate relationships.
While there’s no doubt that love is an inexact science, if you can discover how you and your partner are wired differently, you can overcome your differences to create a lasting intimate connection.
200 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2012
About the author
Stan Tatkin
13 books165 followersStan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 394 reviews
August 29, 2017
I think if I didn't work with so many abused women I would love this book. it's a great book for couples who don't have elements of control or abuse in their relationship. so many good ideas that I want to try on my own relationship.
however, this book should contain some major disclaimers and assumes a lot of differentiation, doesn't deal nearly enough with how to detect that the cost and benifits of attachment is equally shared, and doesn't address the fact that most emotional labor is already born by women
however, this book should contain some major disclaimers and assumes a lot of differentiation, doesn't deal nearly enough with how to detect that the cost and benifits of attachment is equally shared, and doesn't address the fact that most emotional labor is already born by women
January 22, 2024
My GR friend Rosh says she avoids this genre (self-help) like the plague, and after ingesting two stinkers in a row, I understand her sentiment.
It’s not that there’s a lack of helpful information here. Personally, I gleaned a few great tips from Chapter 8, on how to fight well. I also filed away tidbits on the value of sustained eye contact in bonding, and on the importance of creating a couple-bubble: an environment in which each partner is made to understand - through practical, sometimes pre-negotiated actions - that they’re the most important person on the planet to their significant other.
But helpful information aside, this is still a book. And I hated the author’s corny dialogue and overall gosh-golly tone.
Examples? I have two:
I always feel moist when deeply touched. ;)
Pardon me while I vomit all over Stan Tatkin’s loafers.
Book/Song Pairing: All of Me (John Legend)
It’s not that there’s a lack of helpful information here. Personally, I gleaned a few great tips from Chapter 8, on how to fight well. I also filed away tidbits on the value of sustained eye contact in bonding, and on the importance of creating a couple-bubble: an environment in which each partner is made to understand - through practical, sometimes pre-negotiated actions - that they’re the most important person on the planet to their significant other.
But helpful information aside, this is still a book. And I hated the author’s corny dialogue and overall gosh-golly tone.
Examples? I have two:
Say something complimentary about your partner that will profoundly move him or her. You will know you have succeeded if you bring tears to your partner’s eyes. I don’t mean tears of sadness, but the moistness that comes when we are deeply touched (50%).
I always feel moist when deeply touched. ;)
[Paraphrasing a healthy client exchange] “Honey, I had a pretty good sense of what was happening for you,” Mary says gently, then pauses and continues with a twinkle in her eye, “You know, after all these years, I have the manual on you.” Pierce smiles back, “You sure do, and I’m so glad. Even if it’s a heck of a long manual, with all my quirks and foibles” (32%).
Pardon me while I vomit all over Stan Tatkin’s loafers.
Book/Song Pairing: All of Me (John Legend)
August 16, 2015
I think this is possibly the best relationship book I've read. It's not esoteric, not rah-rah, not religious, not condemning and not bullshit.
Stan Tatkin espouses the notion that the "Couple Bubble" is the best strategy for two people in a relationship. He then defines ten principles couples can put into play to achieve it. He writes as if he's having a personal conversation with us readers but brings along studies and evidence so we realize that there is actual data backing up the common sense tactics he puts forth.
He also lays out three different styles people generally have in relationships that utilizes attachment theory. By identifying the style of you and your partner, he not only answers the questions of *why* you behave the way you do in a relationship but how to tweak your style to improve the dynamics between you and your partner.
In Tatkin's examples, he references heterosexual and same-sex couples and uses the term "partner" which is very 21st century of him. Thanks for that.
This book would be good for all readers from those that need a complete overhaul to those that just want some fine-tuning. There’s really insightful information and practical advice here. Highly recommend.
Stan Tatkin espouses the notion that the "Couple Bubble" is the best strategy for two people in a relationship. He then defines ten principles couples can put into play to achieve it. He writes as if he's having a personal conversation with us readers but brings along studies and evidence so we realize that there is actual data backing up the common sense tactics he puts forth.
He also lays out three different styles people generally have in relationships that utilizes attachment theory. By identifying the style of you and your partner, he not only answers the questions of *why* you behave the way you do in a relationship but how to tweak your style to improve the dynamics between you and your partner.
In Tatkin's examples, he references heterosexual and same-sex couples and uses the term "partner" which is very 21st century of him. Thanks for that.
This book would be good for all readers from those that need a complete overhaul to those that just want some fine-tuning. There’s really insightful information and practical advice here. Highly recommend.
January 11, 2019
If you've never been to therapy, know nothing about attachment styles, and are in a rocky but not abusive relationship, it's possible that the very basic, oversimplified ideas here will give you a start. Yes, attachment theory is a real thing. No, it doesn't really work as described here. Yes, trying to communicate with your partner when your fight-or-flight reflexes are activated will go badly. No, this book does not give you any tools for getting out of that state or any scripts for actually discussing anything with your partner in a healthy way.
This book doesn't address (or even mention) trauma, abuse, disability, non-neurotypicality, common external sources of relationship troubles like money or illness, or - and this one kills me - boundaries. In fact, the author seems to be entirely against the idea of ever saying no to your partner or setting limits on what you're willing to do. Giving this book to someone in an actually abusive relationship would be the worst possible thing you could do.
And that's not to mention the truly out-there ideas the book descends to to fill the minimum wordcount, such as staring into your partner's eyes being the only way to meaningfully connect over the long term, or autoimmune diseases being caused by bad marriages.
This is a poorly-written and poorly-thought through dilution of some actual science and techniques, but I guess it's an ok starter book if you have no other basis and aren't in serious need of help. I would strongly recommend finding an accredited couples counselor instead, or at least in addition to, though.
This book doesn't address (or even mention) trauma, abuse, disability, non-neurotypicality, common external sources of relationship troubles like money or illness, or - and this one kills me - boundaries. In fact, the author seems to be entirely against the idea of ever saying no to your partner or setting limits on what you're willing to do. Giving this book to someone in an actually abusive relationship would be the worst possible thing you could do.
And that's not to mention the truly out-there ideas the book descends to to fill the minimum wordcount, such as staring into your partner's eyes being the only way to meaningfully connect over the long term, or autoimmune diseases being caused by bad marriages.
This is a poorly-written and poorly-thought through dilution of some actual science and techniques, but I guess it's an ok starter book if you have no other basis and aren't in serious need of help. I would strongly recommend finding an accredited couples counselor instead, or at least in addition to, though.
August 26, 2016
How I wish I had a resource like this years ago when I was struggling with my marriage. I've read a number of relationship tune-up books throughout the years, and each helped somewhat. It was very encouraging to see those same familiar authors (Hendrix, Gottman, Perel, etc.) offering praise for Dr. Tatkins work at the get go. And the fact that he's put so much good information into a book that is less than 200 pages is a testament to his organized approach, which was friendly, playful, and effective.
The explanations and exercises in the book proved to me for the first time that it's not just about doing positive things for your partner, and "thinking" about the relationship, but rather there are automatic responses that mess with a relationship no matter how much "thinking" we do. What a relief to know that problems can come from our biological wiring as well as our attachment history, and they can be easily managed once you know what to look for!
While it was a relief to learn how these neurological autopilots can be tamed, it makes me sad to realize I mostly didn't know what my brain was doing when in past relationships in an effort to feel safe, which now seems tragic. Like I said, I wish I had this book sooner. By distilling a great deal of research into understandable language, Dr. Tatkin has laid out a path to intimacy that I'd not seen before but now, makes so much sense. I dare say he has improved my concept of what being in love should look and feel like. Frankly, it feels MUCH better than I ever could have imagined.
No matter how good you think your relationship is, get this book!
The explanations and exercises in the book proved to me for the first time that it's not just about doing positive things for your partner, and "thinking" about the relationship, but rather there are automatic responses that mess with a relationship no matter how much "thinking" we do. What a relief to know that problems can come from our biological wiring as well as our attachment history, and they can be easily managed once you know what to look for!
While it was a relief to learn how these neurological autopilots can be tamed, it makes me sad to realize I mostly didn't know what my brain was doing when in past relationships in an effort to feel safe, which now seems tragic. Like I said, I wish I had this book sooner. By distilling a great deal of research into understandable language, Dr. Tatkin has laid out a path to intimacy that I'd not seen before but now, makes so much sense. I dare say he has improved my concept of what being in love should look and feel like. Frankly, it feels MUCH better than I ever could have imagined.
No matter how good you think your relationship is, get this book!
August 8, 2017
There was some very interesting stuff in here, but it focused on the couple to the exclusion of all else - really pushed the 'your partner should fulfill all of your needs' model of relationships.
But the discussion of attachment styles, and how different attachment styles relate to each other was useful, and it has given me some potentially useful tools for use in my own relationships.
But the discussion of attachment styles, and how different attachment styles relate to each other was useful, and it has given me some potentially useful tools for use in my own relationships.
June 11, 2012
Loved this book. Real good information about attachement and how it works in a relationship. Clear and good examples and metaphors to understand and translate useful information. I just recommended it to a friend getting married to help build a secure relationship that will last. Everyone getting married should read this book first. (even though I hate shoulds!)
August 29, 2016
I've loved attachment theory for a long time, but I've yet to find (until NOW) a book that really explains it in a great way. Sue Johnson is the best trainer for therapists, but I don't particularly like her books for the layperson. And a lot of the books tend to be critical of one or more of the attachment styles. And all of them use the terms "insecurely" attached or "avoidantly" attached - and let's face it, who wants to CLAIM those labels?? They're pejorative and make me seem flawed! I just love love love Tatkin's way of explaining attachment styles. Not only does he use different labels of anchors, islands and waves, but he does a great job of not making any of them seem horrible or flawed. In his mind, they all make perfect sense based on our experiences. And they are all workable as long as we become experts on our partners. This book is a great blend of neuroscience and attachment theory, but laid out in a way that anyone - and I mean anyone - can understand and put into practice. Highly recommend for anyone in a relationship.
March 26, 2018
Relationship is supposed to add value to a person's life.
I had to read this for self improvement
Knowing the title, it actually does means something when a person takes up this book. That is to improve on oneself and be prepared for unexpected situations. Or... something happened which is why a person sought books like this. I'm guilty as charged.
What I learn apart from those which I practised are:
1. Be the manager of your partner (Know what he/she likes or dislikes as well as their weak side)
2. Eye Contact
3. Do not impose your evaluation of a matter on your partner (Eg. If he/she feels stress over a matter, dont ever disregard their stress as minor/petty; always be receptive towards their emotions)
4. Fight smart by not demeaning anyone but phrase your sentences smartly to let your partner know you and him/her are a team together and that both of you love each other.
As for the rating, I'm rating based on what I've learnt and took away from this book.
I had to read this for self improvement
Knowing the title, it actually does means something when a person takes up this book. That is to improve on oneself and be prepared for unexpected situations. Or... something happened which is why a person sought books like this. I'm guilty as charged.
What I learn apart from those which I practised are:
1. Be the manager of your partner (Know what he/she likes or dislikes as well as their weak side)
2. Eye Contact
3. Do not impose your evaluation of a matter on your partner (Eg. If he/she feels stress over a matter, dont ever disregard their stress as minor/petty; always be receptive towards their emotions)
4. Fight smart by not demeaning anyone but phrase your sentences smartly to let your partner know you and him/her are a team together and that both of you love each other.
As for the rating, I'm rating based on what I've learnt and took away from this book.
March 10, 2017
Wired for Love uses neuroscience, psychology, attachment theory, and anecdotes to demonstrate that any couple can be happy and find fulfillment in one another if they take the right steps, allow themselves to be vulnerable, and invest the effort.
One of the premises is that when couples have problems they tend to gravitate towards theories that focus on self, which tend to be destructive to the relationship, instead of focusing on theories about the relationship itself which have consistently shown to be constructive and vital to long term success and satisfaction. The driving factors around these responses are driven by our very own biology that evolved to keep us alive with fight or flight reactions (the primitives) taking immediate action for war unless our rational/social selves (the ambassadors) step in and control the situation.
Several strategies for healing, building, and/or maintaining relationships with your partner are explored throughout the book. Several resonated with me, especially the couple bubble and ensuring your partner is your primary attachment or go-to-first person. I found myself relating to these concepts strongly and discovered unidentified resentment that my partner wasn't comfortable sharing emotional topics or issues with me. However, as I progressed through the book and discovered the varying attachment types and their needs, it became apparent to me that I created the very reality that I resented with my own fear and unwillingness to share beyond a surface level.
I personally found the anecdotes and exercises, provided with each topic, conductive to my learning style and the way I internalize, understand, and relate to information. People process information differently, but I felt the real-world scenarios and post-examination were complimentary to the concepts being explored.
There are several additional approaches detailed throughout the book that I'm going to leave out of my review because I don't want to spoil the journey for future readers. I would definitely recommend for anyone who, like myself, has had difficulty communicating at an intimate level with their partner and look forward to reading additional books on these topics to expand my understanding and control over the outcomes of my relationships.
One of the premises is that when couples have problems they tend to gravitate towards theories that focus on self, which tend to be destructive to the relationship, instead of focusing on theories about the relationship itself which have consistently shown to be constructive and vital to long term success and satisfaction. The driving factors around these responses are driven by our very own biology that evolved to keep us alive with fight or flight reactions (the primitives) taking immediate action for war unless our rational/social selves (the ambassadors) step in and control the situation.
Several strategies for healing, building, and/or maintaining relationships with your partner are explored throughout the book. Several resonated with me, especially the couple bubble and ensuring your partner is your primary attachment or go-to-first person. I found myself relating to these concepts strongly and discovered unidentified resentment that my partner wasn't comfortable sharing emotional topics or issues with me. However, as I progressed through the book and discovered the varying attachment types and their needs, it became apparent to me that I created the very reality that I resented with my own fear and unwillingness to share beyond a surface level.
I personally found the anecdotes and exercises, provided with each topic, conductive to my learning style and the way I internalize, understand, and relate to information. People process information differently, but I felt the real-world scenarios and post-examination were complimentary to the concepts being explored.
There are several additional approaches detailed throughout the book that I'm going to leave out of my review because I don't want to spoil the journey for future readers. I would definitely recommend for anyone who, like myself, has had difficulty communicating at an intimate level with their partner and look forward to reading additional books on these topics to expand my understanding and control over the outcomes of my relationships.
December 8, 2013
I read this book because my and my ex's couple's therapist recommended it. I wanted to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again. This book is easy to read and pretty interesting, which is good for me, because generally I don't like reading non-fiction. It divides people up into Anchors, Islands, and Waves, depending on their personality and how they act in relationships. I found that according to this book, I am definitely an island, and I should date other islands, or anchors. Anchors are those perfectly balanced people who are perfectly secure and not threatened by anything. Sadly, my ex was a wave. The book gives lots of advice on how to be a good couple - you need to create a Couple Bubble in which your partner comes first all the time, you don't talk to other people about your problems unless you talk to your partner first, you are tethered to your partner. They actually use that word. Also, you have to get to know your partner so well that you can soothe and manage their fears by finding out what traumatized them in childhood because we all will continue to react that way. It sounds like a pretty good system, but I think it oversimplifies. Some of the recommendations just would not work for me. I think the author is just not an introvert, like me. Being tethered to another person, having to tell them everything (and having to listen to everything they have to say) all the time, comes down to never having time or space for myself, and that alone would make me really unhappy. Glad I read it, but also glad to know that it would not have helped my relationship with my ex. Oh well.
March 8, 2017
This book is life changing! If you were underparented and struggle in romantic relationships, this book is for you. I'd always heard about the concept of "fighting well" in relationships but never understood what this actually meant. This book provides real world examples and exercises to try with your partner. This book is like a bible for those of us who grew up with less than stellar parents and toxic familial relationships.
February 26, 2019
A very good book and a step further in my recent interest in adult attachment theories.
I liked how he describes conflicts of partners and how some of them can resolve them. Some of those solutions got me even tearful, with an “a-ha” moments of “yes! That’s how it should be done”.
Very recommended for any couple in a relationship or even singles who try to figure themselves out.
I liked how he describes conflicts of partners and how some of them can resolve them. Some of those solutions got me even tearful, with an “a-ha” moments of “yes! That’s how it should be done”.
Very recommended for any couple in a relationship or even singles who try to figure themselves out.
March 7, 2020
This is Nonfiction-Relationship Psychology. I liked this one especially how the author kept this topic reigned in....without stretching into wordy tangents. The focus on making your significant other a priority is a message that I appreciated the most. I liked the idea of the 'couple bubble' because it made sense to me. I also liked the way the author described personalities as an island, a wave or an anchor because that also made total sense. So 4 stars for this.
August 8, 2022
3/5
打完之後消失不見的評論，生氣到不想打第二遍
總之，是本類工具書，適合想和伴侶一起看一起進步的人，不適合想了解依戀障礙背後科學成因的讀者。
打完之後消失不見的評論，生氣到不想打第二遍
總之，是本類工具書，適合想和伴侶一起看一起進步的人，不適合想了解依戀障礙背後科學成因的讀者。
November 29, 2012
I found the first several chapters to contain useful information, categorized in a way that made sense to me, and including what seem to be some good suggestions for increasing understanding about self and partner. I think the book's worth a read just for the earlier stuff on the primitive vs. more peace-making or "ambassador" parts of the brain, and how they can impact emotionally charged discussion, as well as simplified ways of thinking about attachment styles (anchor/ island/ wave) and recognizing/responding to one another's needs. I think we could have some interesting and potentially very useful discussions around that at some point.
In the middle chapters, I appreciate the "couple bubble" concept, and agree with the idea that for any long-term relationship to work and provide a mutual sense of security following a healthy "audition" period, two people must eventually agree that they're one another's go-to and highest priority for certain things, and be willing to look out for each other under various circumstances. The specific ways in which he suggests partners should be there for each other are useful, in that they help one consider many of the "little but important things" that are easy to overlook. For example, as I think back to my own childhood, bedtime rituals were important and soothing, and I understand how bedtime/wakeup rituals today can be mutually beneficial for enhancing attachment and intimacy, nervous system regulation, etc.
But for some of the practices the author discusses, I think he gets a bit overzealous, and I found myself wondering whether there's a slightly less enmeshed-seeming way of doing what he suggests. Perhaps that would involve picking and choosing certain practices that are important to one or both partners, while ignoring others, or perhaps practicing the habits to a less-extreme extent. But perhaps that's some of my own wave/occasional island tendencies talking. Also, he seems to imply that even honest and ethically practiced non-monogamy is an island's defense strategy against deeper commitment, which is true sometimes but not always. Nonetheless, some of his thoughts on handling "thirds" and honest info sharing may be particularly pertinent to maintaining a strong primary partner bond in a range of relationship situations, even if in practiced in a modified way.
In the middle chapters, I appreciate the "couple bubble" concept, and agree with the idea that for any long-term relationship to work and provide a mutual sense of security following a healthy "audition" period, two people must eventually agree that they're one another's go-to and highest priority for certain things, and be willing to look out for each other under various circumstances. The specific ways in which he suggests partners should be there for each other are useful, in that they help one consider many of the "little but important things" that are easy to overlook. For example, as I think back to my own childhood, bedtime rituals were important and soothing, and I understand how bedtime/wakeup rituals today can be mutually beneficial for enhancing attachment and intimacy, nervous system regulation, etc.
But for some of the practices the author discusses, I think he gets a bit overzealous, and I found myself wondering whether there's a slightly less enmeshed-seeming way of doing what he suggests. Perhaps that would involve picking and choosing certain practices that are important to one or both partners, while ignoring others, or perhaps practicing the habits to a less-extreme extent. But perhaps that's some of my own wave/occasional island tendencies talking. Also, he seems to imply that even honest and ethically practiced non-monogamy is an island's defense strategy against deeper commitment, which is true sometimes but not always. Nonetheless, some of his thoughts on handling "thirds" and honest info sharing may be particularly pertinent to maintaining a strong primary partner bond in a range of relationship situations, even if in practiced in a modified way.
March 18, 2012
Love and connection is essential to our health and wellbeing
throughout our life. Couples, despite their best intention, often
fail to preserve the bonds of support, safety and connectedness that
we all desire and need to survive and thrive in a difficult world. In
this book Stan Tatkin offers individuals and couples a lens through
which to view relationships that is very much needed in lay and
professional circles. Often well meaning self help books, counselors,
healing professionals and friends encourage strategies that
inadvertently widen the divide between couples. In our Western
society we are prided on independence and separateness. Needing
others is often seen as weakness or codependence. . . even though
current neuroscientific understandings and brain research is proving
otherwise.
In simple and easy to understand language Stan brings
relevant neuroscientific discoveries to the kitchen table. For
couples struggling to preserve the bonds of intimacy, connection and
support this understanding alleviates much misunderstanding and
personal suffering. Understanding how our early subconscious
imprinting of relationships are formed provides a lens with which to
view relational difficulties non pathologically. It is a hopeful book
which bypasses the narrative story which often binds couples in a
never ending cycle of conflict, misunderstanding and hurt.
Making relationships succeed requires work and Stan challenges us to take
responsibility for understanding ourselves and our partners nervous
system and move beyond the limited concepts of codependency that often
divide us from the very connections and bonds we need and desire!
Highly recommended for every individual, couple and healing
professional! Thank you Stan!
Brian J. Whelan, LCSW, CST, SEP
throughout our life. Couples, despite their best intention, often
fail to preserve the bonds of support, safety and connectedness that
we all desire and need to survive and thrive in a difficult world. In
this book Stan Tatkin offers individuals and couples a lens through
which to view relationships that is very much needed in lay and
professional circles. Often well meaning self help books, counselors,
healing professionals and friends encourage strategies that
inadvertently widen the divide between couples. In our Western
society we are prided on independence and separateness. Needing
others is often seen as weakness or codependence. . . even though
current neuroscientific understandings and brain research is proving
otherwise.
In simple and easy to understand language Stan brings
relevant neuroscientific discoveries to the kitchen table. For
couples struggling to preserve the bonds of intimacy, connection and
support this understanding alleviates much misunderstanding and
personal suffering. Understanding how our early subconscious
imprinting of relationships are formed provides a lens with which to
view relational difficulties non pathologically. It is a hopeful book
which bypasses the narrative story which often binds couples in a
never ending cycle of conflict, misunderstanding and hurt.
Making relationships succeed requires work and Stan challenges us to take
responsibility for understanding ourselves and our partners nervous
system and move beyond the limited concepts of codependency that often
divide us from the very connections and bonds we need and desire!
Highly recommended for every individual, couple and healing
professional! Thank you Stan!
Brian J. Whelan, LCSW, CST, SEP
January 13, 2015
How validating and optimistic! Really practical do-able tips to create safety in an uncertain world...I love how hopeful this book is about relationships. I think the avoidant attachment style people might recoil at some of the suggestions in this book, and hope they can find ways to make it work and build a sense of security without threatening their need for independence. As someone with some anxious tendencies, I appreciated the emphasis on being sensitive to your partner's needs and creating a contract of caring for each other...something that is unfamiliar to me both as a child of anxious-avoidant drama with some narcissism thrown in...it was never modeled and my adult spirituality gravitated towards teachings that emphasize loving yourself, that ultimately there is no other so it is our own intimacy we need and crave, which we can experience with or without someone. While that might be true, it is so fucking nice to feel cared for! This book offers guidance on creating a safe, protected, refuge with your partner where you both feel cared for. I also have, in the past, been embarrassed by how preoccupied I've been by relationships, which is a feature of anxious attachment. While there can be an unhealthy degree that distracts me from being present and productive, I like that Stan Tatkin defends the field of psycholgy that focuses on relationship, as it really is the foundation of all our experience....whether as a child to our caretaker or as an adult with our mates. It is important.
March 20, 2012
Stan has a gift for taking the complexity of human relationships and presenting them in an understandable, and compassionate, read. He introduces us to our own, inner workings, helping us to create a relationship with our own brain, and that of our partners.
Pertinent and invaluable to those who desire a safe and secure relationship, Stan develops with the reader a relationship that is akin to what he teaches.
Packed with information, beautifully organized, and delivered with humor and a kind tone, this is a must read book. Combining the latest research in the neurobiology of the brain, and attachment research, Stan gives new insights and hope into resolving issues with our partners and understanding each other’s styles. Each chapter has helpful exercises to practice and apply these insights.
Finally, a book that truly teaches how to skillfully and compassionately lead us out of those dangerous cycles of communication into a deeper, more secure and satisfying relationship.
Pertinent and invaluable to those who desire a safe and secure relationship, Stan develops with the reader a relationship that is akin to what he teaches.
Packed with information, beautifully organized, and delivered with humor and a kind tone, this is a must read book. Combining the latest research in the neurobiology of the brain, and attachment research, Stan gives new insights and hope into resolving issues with our partners and understanding each other’s styles. Each chapter has helpful exercises to practice and apply these insights.
Finally, a book that truly teaches how to skillfully and compassionately lead us out of those dangerous cycles of communication into a deeper, more secure and satisfying relationship.
March 26, 2012
Wired for Love is simply the best relationship book to come out in many years. Dr. Tatkin's approach brilliantly accomplishes what the field of psychology has been working toward since Freud: a method that anyone can learn that will transform flat or conflictual relationships into the intimacy and passion we all desire.
- James Rapson, co-author Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice
- James Rapson, co-author Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice
January 13, 2013
Absolutely fascinating. Stan filters down complex neuropsychological phenomena into easy to digest concepts. If you have ever wondered why you have the interpersonal tendencies you have (and persist in having even though you consciously know that they may not be serving you well in some situations) then read this book.
February 8, 2016
Love the concept of the couple bubble.
February 14, 2022
بمناسبة أن النهاردة عيد الحب، خلوني اكلمكم عن كتاب مهم جدا من اصدارات دار #دون واللي كان ليا حظ قرائته الفترة الأخيرة ، واخيرا قدرت اكتب ريفيو
#رحلات٢٠٢٢
#مؤهل_للحب
كتاب عن العلاقات الزوجية باسلوب علمي مبسط الى حد كبير، بيكلمنا الكاتب ف الاول عن اسباب تالي��ه للكتاب وازاي انه جه بعد فشل زواجه الاول وانه حس كمعالج نفسي ان فيه حاجات كتير لسة م اتعملتش لمساعدة الازواج على حل مشاكلهم والخروج من دايرة الاتهام المتبادل لدايرة"يلا نحل المشاكل دي"
ف الاول كان فيه مقدمة لطيفة عن فكرة الزواج وازاي بدات من عصور ماقبل التاريخ والانسان الاول لحد م بقى فيه مجتمعات والمجتمعات دي صنفت الزواج نفسه لاكتر من نوع زي جواز المصلحة او جواز العقل او حتى جواز المصالح المشتركة ودة كان بداية لطيفة ومعلومات كتير الحقيقة
بعد كدة بيبتدي الكلام عن حاجات كتير جوانا زي نمط كلشخصية وازاي اعرف شخصية شريك حياتي واواي كمان اتعامل معاها سوا كنت زيه او شخصيتي مختلفه عنه، اتكلم ف فصل عن الفقاعة الزوجية وقد ايه هيا مهمة للمحافظة على علاقة جواز ناجحة وايه كمان انواع الفقاعات دي وازاي اساسا بتتكون وازاي كمان نحافظ عليها
عجبني ف الكتاب انه سلس، ورغم انه مترجم بس الترجمة الحقيقي لطيفة جدا
كمان بيتعمد الكتاب على التطبيقات ف كل فصل واسئلة كتير توضيحية وتطبيقيقة
ف كانت النتيجة انه كتاب مفيد
بس عاوز وقت لان دة ميجيش ف قعدة واحدة ابدا
ولو انت ف علاقة طويلة او متزوج بالفعل يبقى هتحتاج تقراه مع شريك حياتك وتطبقوه سوا
ولو انت سينجل زي حالاتي كدة ف هتجيب نسخة تركنها لنصك التاني وتقرأوه ف فترة الارتباط الاول
رغم اني مش ميولي اساسا كتب العلاقات ولكن الكتاب سحبني اكمله
كتاب مهم...لطيف...سلس
#الكتاب_رقم٧
٧/١٢٠
١_فبراير
#رحلات٢٠٢٢
#مؤهل_للحب
كتاب عن العلاقات الزوجية باسلوب علمي مبسط الى حد كبير، بيكلمنا الكاتب ف الاول عن اسباب تالي��ه للكتاب وازاي انه جه بعد فشل زواجه الاول وانه حس كمعالج نفسي ان فيه حاجات كتير لسة م اتعملتش لمساعدة الازواج على حل مشاكلهم والخروج من دايرة الاتهام المتبادل لدايرة"يلا نحل المشاكل دي"
ف الاول كان فيه مقدمة لطيفة عن فكرة الزواج وازاي بدات من عصور ماقبل التاريخ والانسان الاول لحد م بقى فيه مجتمعات والمجتمعات دي صنفت الزواج نفسه لاكتر من نوع زي جواز المصلحة او جواز العقل او حتى جواز المصالح المشتركة ودة كان بداية لطيفة ومعلومات كتير الحقيقة
بعد كدة بيبتدي الكلام عن حاجات كتير جوانا زي نمط كلشخصية وازاي اعرف شخصية شريك حياتي واواي كمان اتعامل معاها سوا كنت زيه او شخصيتي مختلفه عنه، اتكلم ف فصل عن الفقاعة الزوجية وقد ايه هيا مهمة للمحافظة على علاقة جواز ناجحة وايه كمان انواع الفقاعات دي وازاي اساسا بتتكون وازاي كمان نحافظ عليها
عجبني ف الكتاب انه سلس، ورغم انه مترجم بس الترجمة الحقيقي لطيفة جدا
كمان بيتعمد الكتاب على التطبيقات ف كل فصل واسئلة كتير توضيحية وتطبيقيقة
ف كانت النتيجة انه كتاب مفيد
بس عاوز وقت لان دة ميجيش ف قعدة واحدة ابدا
ولو انت ف علاقة طويلة او متزوج بالفعل يبقى هتحتاج تقراه مع شريك حياتك وتطبقوه سوا
ولو انت سينجل زي حالاتي كدة ف هتجيب نسخة تركنها لنصك التاني وتقرأوه ف فترة الارتباط الاول
رغم اني مش ميولي اساسا كتب العلاقات ولكن الكتاب سحبني اكمله
كتاب مهم...لطيف...سلس
#الكتاب_رقم٧
٧/١٢٠
١_فبراير
January 11, 2022
wired for love, stan tatkin
this was such an important read for me i'm just going to prefaces right now. my psych told me to read this as she thought it would be beneficial for me, in being able to understand both relationships and how they work. though it is highly based on ROMANTIC relationships, it was said to me that it will also be there to assist with most sorts of relationships (ie friendships as well).
being able to take out the time and take notes on what the brain does, and the background psychological "movements" which are going on in the brain is so important to understand. if you are struggling with relationships and it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, i'll highly recommend that you read this book. it was such an eye opener for me, especially understanding things like attachment styles in the human person. this gets a solid 4/5 stars from me. though something that i never would have picked up on my own, but i'm so so glad that i did :))
this was such an important read for me i'm just going to prefaces right now. my psych told me to read this as she thought it would be beneficial for me, in being able to understand both relationships and how they work. though it is highly based on ROMANTIC relationships, it was said to me that it will also be there to assist with most sorts of relationships (ie friendships as well).
being able to take out the time and take notes on what the brain does, and the background psychological "movements" which are going on in the brain is so important to understand. if you are struggling with relationships and it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, i'll highly recommend that you read this book. it was such an eye opener for me, especially understanding things like attachment styles in the human person. this gets a solid 4/5 stars from me. though something that i never would have picked up on my own, but i'm so so glad that i did :))
September 9, 2024
Really good book with some great advice. I’d read it again.
October 23, 2024
my therapist recommended this book to me and honestly, SUCH a great read. i think it describes the coexistence of attachment styles better than the book “attached”
April 22, 2021
This provides a readable, non-academic look at the neurology of attachment and how it manifests in relationships, primarily spouse/partner. I feel it also has implications for how we interact with our children, as their neuropathways for attachment and relationships are developing. In other words, how we lover our family, and how we permit love to be enacted in our homes, impacts how our children will do this long after they grow up and start homes and families of their own.
Perceptions and inner thoughts are paramount in the discussion of attachment and relationships. Tatkin notes, "The feeling of closeness is subjective. That is, how close you feel to your partner, and how safe you feel, both take place within you. You may feel very close to your partner, but he or she isn't likely to know how you feel unless you say so." In other words, its all in your head, but then, so is EVERYTHING in life. Wow, doesn't just bring back the train depot scene in Deathly Hallows Part 2 when Harry and Dumbledore discuss what is only in Harry's mind?!
While this book definitely has the self-help feel of a relationship book, it has just enough plain-spoken neurobiology to keep it interesting. And flat out common sense, such as "Because nitty-gritty personal history always trumps ideals. This is just the way we're wired." Basically, the neuroadaptive behaviors we learn as children will rise to the forefront when we are feeling unsafe as adults. We can learn to identify it and attempt to intervene in our instinctive behaviors to grow more positive relationships, but we are really dealing with our internal selves here as much (or maybe more than) we are dealing with our partner and their past/present.
He spends most of the book discussing attachment styles - he calls them anchors, islands, and waves - and how they play out in relationships. The key take away for me was that we should understand our own attachment style and neurological tendencies well enough to know how to manage our actions and words when they are triggered by our more primitive and instinctive responses. And isn't that always a good skill for us to practice - in spousal relationships, in parenting, and even in our work relationships.
Perceptions and inner thoughts are paramount in the discussion of attachment and relationships. Tatkin notes, "The feeling of closeness is subjective. That is, how close you feel to your partner, and how safe you feel, both take place within you. You may feel very close to your partner, but he or she isn't likely to know how you feel unless you say so." In other words, its all in your head, but then, so is EVERYTHING in life. Wow, doesn't just bring back the train depot scene in Deathly Hallows Part 2 when Harry and Dumbledore discuss what is only in Harry's mind?!
While this book definitely has the self-help feel of a relationship book, it has just enough plain-spoken neurobiology to keep it interesting. And flat out common sense, such as "Because nitty-gritty personal history always trumps ideals. This is just the way we're wired." Basically, the neuroadaptive behaviors we learn as children will rise to the forefront when we are feeling unsafe as adults. We can learn to identify it and attempt to intervene in our instinctive behaviors to grow more positive relationships, but we are really dealing with our internal selves here as much (or maybe more than) we are dealing with our partner and their past/present.
He spends most of the book discussing attachment styles - he calls them anchors, islands, and waves - and how they play out in relationships. The key take away for me was that we should understand our own attachment style and neurological tendencies well enough to know how to manage our actions and words when they are triggered by our more primitive and instinctive responses. And isn't that always a good skill for us to practice - in spousal relationships, in parenting, and even in our work relationships.
August 1, 2020
THIS fuckin book! FUCK! This book FUCKIN RIPS! WOOOOOOOOP! HOOOOODY HOO FUCK YA!!!
I thought that would be a fitting review for a book about attachment theory and connection with a partner. Honestly, this book is a game changer and I judged the shit out of Stan Tatkin and this book going into it. I gained so much insight from this. It lays out how to support, understand, and communicate with a partner in very tangible ways. My favourite thing I got out of this book was "my partner's sense of safety in relationship directly contributes to MY sense of safety (and well-being)".
I recognise that most people don't want to "do the work" on themselves or their relationships (for valid reasons probably learned in childhood: "don't acknowledge anything is wrong or bad things will happen")(plus a little stubborn, "We're just FINE, thank you VERY much!") or think shit like this is pointless or self-indulgent, but for psychology and mental-health nerds like me who fiend this stuff, this book is bangarang.
I thought that would be a fitting review for a book about attachment theory and connection with a partner. Honestly, this book is a game changer and I judged the shit out of Stan Tatkin and this book going into it. I gained so much insight from this. It lays out how to support, understand, and communicate with a partner in very tangible ways. My favourite thing I got out of this book was "my partner's sense of safety in relationship directly contributes to MY sense of safety (and well-being)".
I recognise that most people don't want to "do the work" on themselves or their relationships (for valid reasons probably learned in childhood: "don't acknowledge anything is wrong or bad things will happen")(plus a little stubborn, "We're just FINE, thank you VERY much!") or think shit like this is pointless or self-indulgent, but for psychology and mental-health nerds like me who fiend this stuff, this book is bangarang.
February 26, 2022
Probably the best book on relationships dynamics I've read. It's divided into 10 chapters each delivering a couple of advices.
The book provides some theoretical explanations on how/why people behave in relationships, when they argue, feel safe, feel loved and etc. And then goes to list practical advices, exercises, experiments to try to make things work better.
Not only all of this equips one for an existing/to-come relationship, but also helps to understand one's own "faulty" behaviour and work on it using the given tools.
Wish more people have a chance to read it and have satisfying, sustainable relationships.
The book provides some theoretical explanations on how/why people behave in relationships, when they argue, feel safe, feel loved and etc. And then goes to list practical advices, exercises, experiments to try to make things work better.
Not only all of this equips one for an existing/to-come relationship, but also helps to understand one's own "faulty" behaviour and work on it using the given tools.
Wish more people have a chance to read it and have satisfying, sustainable relationships.
December 19, 2011
This book is a must read! Everyone needs this information and will absolutely benefit from it. You will be able to let go of most things you take personally in your relationship by getting to know your partner from this perspective. This book will change the way you see your partner and how you are in your relationship. It is brilliant!
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