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Bold Love
We’ve come to view love as being “nice,” yet the kind of love modeled by Jesus Christ has nothing to do with manners or unconditional acceptance. Rather, it is disruptive, courageous, and socially unacceptable. In Bold Love , Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III draw out the aggressive, unrelenting, passionate power of genuine love. Far from helping you “get along” with others, Bold Love introduces the outlandish possibility of making a significant, life-changing impact on family, friends, coworkers―even your enemies. Learn more about forgiveness, maturity, and seeing others through Jesus’ eyes.
320 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1991
About the author
Dan B. Allender
58 books344 followersDan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 94 reviews
November 18, 2018
I read this one as homework for a study as a friend told me it was an excellent study on forgiveness. It was pretty good. Thick and felt somewhat redundant at times, so it took a while to get through. But if you're looking for a study on forgiveness, this is your jam.
I'd rate this book a G.
I'd rate this book a G.
July 15, 2013
One of the most practically impactful books I've read. Allender seeks to blow up our cultural misunderstandings of love and get to the heart of love in this book. Building from the foundation of what real love is, he then moves into why that kind of love is so difficult, and how to steer a course of love in our lives in the context of pain, offense, and bitterness.
The first two thirds of this book is excellent, but what was most powerful to me was Allender's third section, where he uses the Proverbs as guideposts for how to love three very different kinds of people: the mocker, the fool, and the sinner. This section is jam packed with unique and godly wisdom.
Please read this book. Your soul will profit much as Allender is sure to both encourage and challenge you.
The first two thirds of this book is excellent, but what was most powerful to me was Allender's third section, where he uses the Proverbs as guideposts for how to love three very different kinds of people: the mocker, the fool, and the sinner. This section is jam packed with unique and godly wisdom.
Please read this book. Your soul will profit much as Allender is sure to both encourage and challenge you.
September 10, 2020
This was recommended by my pastor and while very deep and often hard to wade through was a gospel-saturated lesson on what biblical love looks like in relationships. Bold love is defined as "courageously setting aside our personal agenda to move humbly move into the world of others with their well-being in view, willing to risk further pain in our souls, in order to be an aroma of life to some and an aroma of death to others." I'd recommend this as a companion to Dr. Henry Cloud's book Boundaries.
Here are the concepts/quotes I want to remember:
Forward:
p. 11 "God's consuming preoccupation is to destroy evil through the power of sheer goodness made known through His perfectly righteous love.... God is relentlessly determined to erase every suspicion that His is not good and to bow every knee in confession that there is no glory greater than His."
Introduction--FORGIVENESS: An Intricate Mercy
p. 16 "...we must learn the importance of radically putting aside the right to use the past harm to justify present sin. But we must not pretend that past harm never happened. I believe the past can be remembered for the well-being of the abuser. Facing the damage of the past can bring god into the present day relationship with the one who perpetrated significant harm."
p. 17 "When fear of the other is the under-girding motive for turning the other cheek, it cannot be called love, or forgiving the other."
p. 19 "Bold love is courageously setting aside our personal agenda to move humbly move into the world of others with their well-being in view, willing to risk further pain in our souls, in order to be an aroma of life to some and an aroma of death to others."
Chapter 1--MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT LOVE: What Drives a Human Heart?
p. 30 "The premise of this book is simple: I will not live with purpose and joy unless I love; I will not be able t o love unless I forgive; and I will not forgive unless my hatred is continually melted by the searing truth and grace of the gospel."
p. 32 "The meaning of love is found in the person Jesus Christ and incarnated with definition and meaning by His death and resurrection. Love is a sacrifice for the undeserving that opens the door to restoration of relationship with the Father, with others, and with ourselves."
p. 43 "The extent to which someone truly loves will be positively correlated to the degree the person is stunned and silenced by the wonder that his huge debt has been canceled."
Chapter 2--TAKING OUR HATRED OUT OF THE CLOSET: Why Don't We Love Better?
p. 46 " Our unacknowledged and undealt-with commitment to find life apart from dependence on God, which is a form of subtle hatred of God, blocks our desire and commitment to love others. We will never love perfectly until we are without sin, glorified, and made perfect like Christ Jesus. The reason we do not love better, then, is our ongoing struggle with sin."
p. 61 "It is not life's or Gods' seeming unfairness that is so difficult to bear (though it is painful), it is the unbearable fact that in light of the radical injustice, God calls us to love, to turn the cheek, to offer our coats, and to carry the burden of our abusers one more mile."
Chapter 3--STUNNED INTO SILENCE: The Liberating Insult of Grace
p. 66 "God's disruptive and scandalous response to our hatred transforms fury into gratitude and deadness into life."
p. 74-75 "Silence, in its life-changing power, comes to those who see the darkness of their own heart in light of the holy standards of God. Even more, they see the reflection of their hatred in the still tender eyes of God. The miracle of grace--really, the wonder of God's character--produces the miracle of our change.... Silence, a quieting of our relentless, pulsating fury toward God, occurs when that fury is at full boil and we meet the God we think we despise. We then find that He is all we feared, but infinitely more kind than we could have ever imagined."
p, 86 "God in Christ models for us a wild, reckless, passionate pursuit of the offender by the offended for the sake of the most shame-free party known to man. If one has been forgiven much, then one will learn to boldly, pursue through every possible mean the one who has done him harm. The path will not be like any other journey. It is a path marked by quiet repentance, stunned joy, and passionate celebration. It is a path that leads both forgiver and forgiven into the heart of God."
Chapter 4--FACING A WAR OF HEARTS: How Do We Harm Each Other?
p. 92 "The battle is not ultimately against flesh and blood, but it is fought with flesh and blood against powers and principalities that show themselves in the normal relational entanglements of life."
p. 98-99 I found these definitions of abuse in children (specifically discipline related) to be particularly helpful.
"Emotional abuse involves either the profound omission of involvement or the equally destructive commission of shaming a child."
"Physical abuse involves any physical discipline or contact that is either (1) severe and unusual (such as being slapped in the face, burned with cigarettes, spanked until the child cries); (2) capriciously administered without context (meaning the discipline comes out of the blue without explanation or opportunity to change); or (3) perpetrated with a mood of contempt or fury (emotional abuse is almost always part of physical abuse)."
p. 103 "Lust is the effort to possess another in order to steal enough passion to be lifted out of our current struggles into a world that feels (for an instant) like the Garden of Eden. If anger is the desire to make someone pay for blocking our return to the garden, then lust is our effort to push our way back into the garden."
Chapter 5--OUR DIVINE WARRIOR: Hope for Triumph in Battle
p. 118 " God is for us far more, at times, than we would prefer. He is committed to removing all vestiges of sin from our soul when we wish He'd be satisfied with a clean new outfit. His interest in us far exceeds our concerns. Our perspective is usually limited to achieving a better life, and His desire for us is radical conformity to His Son's perfect character. No wonder He seems like an enemy when His discipline begins to grind off our arrogance in order to perfect His beauty."
Chapter 6--RESUME OF A WARRIOR: Qualifications of the Heart
p. 138 "God calls us to love, but love is developed over a lifetime of struggling to comprehend the personality of God who pursues us with relentless passion."
p. 143 "The process of anticipation/sorrow/passion draws us to wait for His day, and frees us to see our day as not our own. It releases a willingness in us to courageously sacrifice our life for another, knowing whatever loss is experienced is incomprehensibly small compared to what beckons from afar."
p. 148 "We are conquered slaves who out not be trusted or equipped to fight on His side. We are so prone to revert back to allegiance to the enemy king. Nevertheless, the great King outfits us, blesses us with His very presence, and allows us to wear the insignia of heaven. His trust in us appears so foolish and His pardon so unreasonable, but He continues to honor us with the standing as His son or daughter and the opportunity to fight on His side without condemnation or disgust for our failures."
p. 152 "Courage prompts us to face the inevitability of war; calling propels us to the front lines of battle; conviction energizes our resolve to fight; and cunning enables us to get close enough to our enemy to destroy his power and offer the opportunity for surrender."
p. 156 "I am prepared for battle when my desire to love is simply stronger (even by a molecule) than my desire to snuff out the flame of mercy that God has graciously intruded into my heart."
Chapter 7--HUNGERING FOR RESTORATION: A Passionate Hope for Beauty
p. 160 "Forgiveness involves hungering for restoration, revoking revenge, and pursuing goodness."
p. 162 "Biblical forgiveness is never unconditional and one-sided. It is not letting others go off scot-free, "forgiven," and enabled to do harm again without any consequences. Instead, forgiveness is an invitation to reconciliation, not the blind, cheap granting of it."
p. 173 "The desire for change in another that is essentially for my pleasure, convenience, or vindication will lead away from restoration and will not deepen my love for beauty or hunger for heavy. If the hunger for reconciliation with my abuser is discarded, I will lose part of the freedom and joy of my own salvation and my eager anticipation of heaven."
p. 180 "Repentance involves facing the homelessness of my heart which says, 'I am lost and helpless and hungry, and I will not find rest in my own power.' ... Repentance is more-much more-than merely seeing that I am hungry and alone. It is embracing the reality of how deeply I deserve something far more terrible. Repentance is facing the reality of my condition in the light of the holiness of God and then crying out to Him for mercy, which He longs to give. When we are deeply humbled, broken, and then trilled in the light of God's perfection and compassion, we are transformed."
Chapter 8--REVOKING REVENGE: A Merciful Invitation to Brokenness
p. 185 "Bold love is the tenacious, irrepressible energy to do good in order to surprise and conquer evil."
Chapter 9--GIVING GOOD GIFTS: A Cunning Intrusion of Truth
p. 206 "Forgiving someone who hurts requires humility, imagination, and courage. WE need the kind of humility that rises out of a deep understanding of our sin and a redemptive imagination that honestly faces where a person is and longs for where he might be. When our hearts deeply admit that our own sin is, at the core, no less heinous in its direction than our enemy's and when we taste the restorative grace of God, we grow in courage to wisely plan ways of destroying anything that mars beauty in the souls of others."
p. 211 "Our love out to draw others to a taste of life that satisfies like no other, and our strength ought to warn others that pursuit of a false god leads to an abyss that will eventually violate and destroy their soul."
p. 212 "If I love someone, than I will not serve her in a way that violates her beauty or diminishes her responsibility to pursue life. ... Tenderness is a response of mercy that can see through the sin to the parts of the human heart that were designed for more."
p. 213 " Love is never weak, nor is true strength ever lacking in tenderness. When someone gives love, it should be with a strength that does not fear the loss of the relationship. When someone is strong, it should be with tenderness that does not use fear to intimidate."
Chapter 10--LOVING AN EVIL PERSON: Siege Warfare
p. 234 " A person's heart can be diagnosed as evil only after he is observed in repeated interactions where the patterns of harm are committed without sorrow or openness to feedback. Evil is present when there is a profound absence of empathy, shame and goodness."
p. 236 "An evil person, regularly and masterfully, portrays his motives and behavior as innocent. Others just do not understand. He is deceitfully gifted in making the victim of his abuser feel like the perpetrator of the harm. When the victim protests and exposes the abuse, he will accuse the victim of being too sensitive, emotional, troubled, or unreasonable."
p. 243 " One of the greatest gifts one can give a person inclined to evil is the strength to frustrate their attempts to dominate."
p. 245 "Evil will push us to see if we will bear loss, shame, and hatred."
p. 249 "An offer to repent eventually will address, over time, the issues of (1) the violation of relationship and details regarding the damage done, (2) a perspective on forgiveness and hope, (3) a statement of the parameters of love and consequences of violation, (4) a picture of what would need to occur in behavior and heart before the relationship can be reconciled, and (5) a negotiated agreement about what will occur now to begin the process of change."
p. 251 "If forgiveness, fulfilled in reconciliation, is to occur, evil must repent with clarity and conviction. ... Repentance on the part of the evil person will include a renunciation of rage and mockery. He will need to demonstrate a willingness to be humbled and broken by the weight of guilt for his use of shame and contempt."
Chapter 11--LOVING A FOOL: Guerilla Warfare
p. 257 "...an evil person is simply a more severe fool who has progressed to a level of foolishness that is deeply severed from human emotion (empathy and shame) and human involvement (devouring destruction). An evil person is more crafty and deceitful fool who is more artful at escaping exposure."
p. 257 "Empathy is the human reflection of the incarnation, or God with us. God not only feels what we feel, but in fact, enters our condition and our flesh in order to fully bear our reality. Human empathy does not take away sin, but it mirrors the incarnation in that we possess the ability to (remotely) enter the pain and joy of others."
p. 264 "Discipline is a form of warfare that wrestles with a world that is not Eden, without succumbing to the pointlessness of pulling weeds today that will be back tomorrow. It is right for me to work to push back the Fall, even though I will see little fruit in the years I may be allotted."
p. 266 "Ultimately, all knowledge is connected to a covenantal relationship with God. I cannot truly know any fact about the created world without being drawn into a deeper relationship with the Creator whose being is interwoven in every multiplication table, zoological classification, or psychological observation, let alone in my wife."
p. 283 "One clue that reveals a fool's willingness to change is an openness to confess his sin to a trusted other and then to seek the kind of help that will enable him to grow in wisdom, discipline, and brokenness. ... prayer is more than merely asking for help; it is the catalyst for change. Growth involves wrestling with God, laboring to put into words the realities both in us and outside us that we want Him to destroy and rebuild. ... True repentance will lead to feelings of indignity and anger at the past damage, a desire to make restitution, and a renewed longing for purity and godliness (2 Corinthians 7:11)."
Chapter 12--LOVING A NORMAL SINNER: Athletic Competition
p. 290 "The task of growth is to pursue an unflinching honesty about self, world, and God, no matter what the results compel us to face or give up."
p. 309 "Intimate combat with others is His ground for engagement with us. ... Bold love provokes disruption that leads to solace, repentance that leads to rest; but far more, it invites both giver and receiver to stare into the eyes of mystery, the wonder of the meaning of the Cross."
Epilogue
p. 318 "Bold love is a taste of our eternal hope. Love well. Hope deeply."
Here are the concepts/quotes I want to remember:
Forward:
p. 11 "God's consuming preoccupation is to destroy evil through the power of sheer goodness made known through His perfectly righteous love.... God is relentlessly determined to erase every suspicion that His is not good and to bow every knee in confession that there is no glory greater than His."
Introduction--FORGIVENESS: An Intricate Mercy
p. 16 "...we must learn the importance of radically putting aside the right to use the past harm to justify present sin. But we must not pretend that past harm never happened. I believe the past can be remembered for the well-being of the abuser. Facing the damage of the past can bring god into the present day relationship with the one who perpetrated significant harm."
p. 17 "When fear of the other is the under-girding motive for turning the other cheek, it cannot be called love, or forgiving the other."
p. 19 "Bold love is courageously setting aside our personal agenda to move humbly move into the world of others with their well-being in view, willing to risk further pain in our souls, in order to be an aroma of life to some and an aroma of death to others."
Chapter 1--MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT LOVE: What Drives a Human Heart?
p. 30 "The premise of this book is simple: I will not live with purpose and joy unless I love; I will not be able t o love unless I forgive; and I will not forgive unless my hatred is continually melted by the searing truth and grace of the gospel."
p. 32 "The meaning of love is found in the person Jesus Christ and incarnated with definition and meaning by His death and resurrection. Love is a sacrifice for the undeserving that opens the door to restoration of relationship with the Father, with others, and with ourselves."
p. 43 "The extent to which someone truly loves will be positively correlated to the degree the person is stunned and silenced by the wonder that his huge debt has been canceled."
Chapter 2--TAKING OUR HATRED OUT OF THE CLOSET: Why Don't We Love Better?
p. 46 " Our unacknowledged and undealt-with commitment to find life apart from dependence on God, which is a form of subtle hatred of God, blocks our desire and commitment to love others. We will never love perfectly until we are without sin, glorified, and made perfect like Christ Jesus. The reason we do not love better, then, is our ongoing struggle with sin."
p. 61 "It is not life's or Gods' seeming unfairness that is so difficult to bear (though it is painful), it is the unbearable fact that in light of the radical injustice, God calls us to love, to turn the cheek, to offer our coats, and to carry the burden of our abusers one more mile."
Chapter 3--STUNNED INTO SILENCE: The Liberating Insult of Grace
p. 66 "God's disruptive and scandalous response to our hatred transforms fury into gratitude and deadness into life."
p. 74-75 "Silence, in its life-changing power, comes to those who see the darkness of their own heart in light of the holy standards of God. Even more, they see the reflection of their hatred in the still tender eyes of God. The miracle of grace--really, the wonder of God's character--produces the miracle of our change.... Silence, a quieting of our relentless, pulsating fury toward God, occurs when that fury is at full boil and we meet the God we think we despise. We then find that He is all we feared, but infinitely more kind than we could have ever imagined."
p, 86 "God in Christ models for us a wild, reckless, passionate pursuit of the offender by the offended for the sake of the most shame-free party known to man. If one has been forgiven much, then one will learn to boldly, pursue through every possible mean the one who has done him harm. The path will not be like any other journey. It is a path marked by quiet repentance, stunned joy, and passionate celebration. It is a path that leads both forgiver and forgiven into the heart of God."
Chapter 4--FACING A WAR OF HEARTS: How Do We Harm Each Other?
p. 92 "The battle is not ultimately against flesh and blood, but it is fought with flesh and blood against powers and principalities that show themselves in the normal relational entanglements of life."
p. 98-99 I found these definitions of abuse in children (specifically discipline related) to be particularly helpful.
"Emotional abuse involves either the profound omission of involvement or the equally destructive commission of shaming a child."
"Physical abuse involves any physical discipline or contact that is either (1) severe and unusual (such as being slapped in the face, burned with cigarettes, spanked until the child cries); (2) capriciously administered without context (meaning the discipline comes out of the blue without explanation or opportunity to change); or (3) perpetrated with a mood of contempt or fury (emotional abuse is almost always part of physical abuse)."
p. 103 "Lust is the effort to possess another in order to steal enough passion to be lifted out of our current struggles into a world that feels (for an instant) like the Garden of Eden. If anger is the desire to make someone pay for blocking our return to the garden, then lust is our effort to push our way back into the garden."
Chapter 5--OUR DIVINE WARRIOR: Hope for Triumph in Battle
p. 118 " God is for us far more, at times, than we would prefer. He is committed to removing all vestiges of sin from our soul when we wish He'd be satisfied with a clean new outfit. His interest in us far exceeds our concerns. Our perspective is usually limited to achieving a better life, and His desire for us is radical conformity to His Son's perfect character. No wonder He seems like an enemy when His discipline begins to grind off our arrogance in order to perfect His beauty."
Chapter 6--RESUME OF A WARRIOR: Qualifications of the Heart
p. 138 "God calls us to love, but love is developed over a lifetime of struggling to comprehend the personality of God who pursues us with relentless passion."
p. 143 "The process of anticipation/sorrow/passion draws us to wait for His day, and frees us to see our day as not our own. It releases a willingness in us to courageously sacrifice our life for another, knowing whatever loss is experienced is incomprehensibly small compared to what beckons from afar."
p. 148 "We are conquered slaves who out not be trusted or equipped to fight on His side. We are so prone to revert back to allegiance to the enemy king. Nevertheless, the great King outfits us, blesses us with His very presence, and allows us to wear the insignia of heaven. His trust in us appears so foolish and His pardon so unreasonable, but He continues to honor us with the standing as His son or daughter and the opportunity to fight on His side without condemnation or disgust for our failures."
p. 152 "Courage prompts us to face the inevitability of war; calling propels us to the front lines of battle; conviction energizes our resolve to fight; and cunning enables us to get close enough to our enemy to destroy his power and offer the opportunity for surrender."
p. 156 "I am prepared for battle when my desire to love is simply stronger (even by a molecule) than my desire to snuff out the flame of mercy that God has graciously intruded into my heart."
Chapter 7--HUNGERING FOR RESTORATION: A Passionate Hope for Beauty
p. 160 "Forgiveness involves hungering for restoration, revoking revenge, and pursuing goodness."
p. 162 "Biblical forgiveness is never unconditional and one-sided. It is not letting others go off scot-free, "forgiven," and enabled to do harm again without any consequences. Instead, forgiveness is an invitation to reconciliation, not the blind, cheap granting of it."
p. 173 "The desire for change in another that is essentially for my pleasure, convenience, or vindication will lead away from restoration and will not deepen my love for beauty or hunger for heavy. If the hunger for reconciliation with my abuser is discarded, I will lose part of the freedom and joy of my own salvation and my eager anticipation of heaven."
p. 180 "Repentance involves facing the homelessness of my heart which says, 'I am lost and helpless and hungry, and I will not find rest in my own power.' ... Repentance is more-much more-than merely seeing that I am hungry and alone. It is embracing the reality of how deeply I deserve something far more terrible. Repentance is facing the reality of my condition in the light of the holiness of God and then crying out to Him for mercy, which He longs to give. When we are deeply humbled, broken, and then trilled in the light of God's perfection and compassion, we are transformed."
Chapter 8--REVOKING REVENGE: A Merciful Invitation to Brokenness
p. 185 "Bold love is the tenacious, irrepressible energy to do good in order to surprise and conquer evil."
Chapter 9--GIVING GOOD GIFTS: A Cunning Intrusion of Truth
p. 206 "Forgiving someone who hurts requires humility, imagination, and courage. WE need the kind of humility that rises out of a deep understanding of our sin and a redemptive imagination that honestly faces where a person is and longs for where he might be. When our hearts deeply admit that our own sin is, at the core, no less heinous in its direction than our enemy's and when we taste the restorative grace of God, we grow in courage to wisely plan ways of destroying anything that mars beauty in the souls of others."
p. 211 "Our love out to draw others to a taste of life that satisfies like no other, and our strength ought to warn others that pursuit of a false god leads to an abyss that will eventually violate and destroy their soul."
p. 212 "If I love someone, than I will not serve her in a way that violates her beauty or diminishes her responsibility to pursue life. ... Tenderness is a response of mercy that can see through the sin to the parts of the human heart that were designed for more."
p. 213 " Love is never weak, nor is true strength ever lacking in tenderness. When someone gives love, it should be with a strength that does not fear the loss of the relationship. When someone is strong, it should be with tenderness that does not use fear to intimidate."
Chapter 10--LOVING AN EVIL PERSON: Siege Warfare
p. 234 " A person's heart can be diagnosed as evil only after he is observed in repeated interactions where the patterns of harm are committed without sorrow or openness to feedback. Evil is present when there is a profound absence of empathy, shame and goodness."
p. 236 "An evil person, regularly and masterfully, portrays his motives and behavior as innocent. Others just do not understand. He is deceitfully gifted in making the victim of his abuser feel like the perpetrator of the harm. When the victim protests and exposes the abuse, he will accuse the victim of being too sensitive, emotional, troubled, or unreasonable."
p. 243 " One of the greatest gifts one can give a person inclined to evil is the strength to frustrate their attempts to dominate."
p. 245 "Evil will push us to see if we will bear loss, shame, and hatred."
p. 249 "An offer to repent eventually will address, over time, the issues of (1) the violation of relationship and details regarding the damage done, (2) a perspective on forgiveness and hope, (3) a statement of the parameters of love and consequences of violation, (4) a picture of what would need to occur in behavior and heart before the relationship can be reconciled, and (5) a negotiated agreement about what will occur now to begin the process of change."
p. 251 "If forgiveness, fulfilled in reconciliation, is to occur, evil must repent with clarity and conviction. ... Repentance on the part of the evil person will include a renunciation of rage and mockery. He will need to demonstrate a willingness to be humbled and broken by the weight of guilt for his use of shame and contempt."
Chapter 11--LOVING A FOOL: Guerilla Warfare
p. 257 "...an evil person is simply a more severe fool who has progressed to a level of foolishness that is deeply severed from human emotion (empathy and shame) and human involvement (devouring destruction). An evil person is more crafty and deceitful fool who is more artful at escaping exposure."
p. 257 "Empathy is the human reflection of the incarnation, or God with us. God not only feels what we feel, but in fact, enters our condition and our flesh in order to fully bear our reality. Human empathy does not take away sin, but it mirrors the incarnation in that we possess the ability to (remotely) enter the pain and joy of others."
p. 264 "Discipline is a form of warfare that wrestles with a world that is not Eden, without succumbing to the pointlessness of pulling weeds today that will be back tomorrow. It is right for me to work to push back the Fall, even though I will see little fruit in the years I may be allotted."
p. 266 "Ultimately, all knowledge is connected to a covenantal relationship with God. I cannot truly know any fact about the created world without being drawn into a deeper relationship with the Creator whose being is interwoven in every multiplication table, zoological classification, or psychological observation, let alone in my wife."
p. 283 "One clue that reveals a fool's willingness to change is an openness to confess his sin to a trusted other and then to seek the kind of help that will enable him to grow in wisdom, discipline, and brokenness. ... prayer is more than merely asking for help; it is the catalyst for change. Growth involves wrestling with God, laboring to put into words the realities both in us and outside us that we want Him to destroy and rebuild. ... True repentance will lead to feelings of indignity and anger at the past damage, a desire to make restitution, and a renewed longing for purity and godliness (2 Corinthians 7:11)."
Chapter 12--LOVING A NORMAL SINNER: Athletic Competition
p. 290 "The task of growth is to pursue an unflinching honesty about self, world, and God, no matter what the results compel us to face or give up."
p. 309 "Intimate combat with others is His ground for engagement with us. ... Bold love provokes disruption that leads to solace, repentance that leads to rest; but far more, it invites both giver and receiver to stare into the eyes of mystery, the wonder of the meaning of the Cross."
Epilogue
p. 318 "Bold love is a taste of our eternal hope. Love well. Hope deeply."
June 24, 2024
This book should be at the top of the stack If there was an assigned list of reads for a convert to Christianity. How one responds or doesn’t respond to conviction and repentance is directly proportional to whether they are evil, wicked, or an average day sinner. Categorizing without judgement helps you navigate relationships and love boldly. The author rightly defines love according to Gods definition differentiating it from the world’s definition. One of the most loving things you can do for someone you care for is to awaken their conviction alarms that have been desensitized, and to the world’s definition this appears disruptive. Had Jesus lived according to the world’s definition of love he would have lived to a ripe old age.
July 4, 2024
Quite good. The second half was more fun to read than the first half; I appreciate his specific applications. I assume his advice on applications comes from what he’s seen in his own life and practice- if that’s true, I’m amazed this guy is still standing.
I thought his reactions to things were a little blown out of proportion (crying at the newspaper), but as he logically argues for the severity and reality of sin, it’s hard to blame him. The back half of the book was a challenge to engage with the disappointment and pain of being alive and the shame around failing to love well. He points to hope over and over again, and seems to have Scripture woven into him.
Really beautiful writing, so poetic; even if you disagree with everything he says, how he says it is so lovely I’d say the whole thing is worth reading.
I thought his reactions to things were a little blown out of proportion (crying at the newspaper), but as he logically argues for the severity and reality of sin, it’s hard to blame him. The back half of the book was a challenge to engage with the disappointment and pain of being alive and the shame around failing to love well. He points to hope over and over again, and seems to have Scripture woven into him.
Really beautiful writing, so poetic; even if you disagree with everything he says, how he says it is so lovely I’d say the whole thing is worth reading.
May 10, 2020
Wow.
This was the perfect time for me to be reading this. Anytime would have been great, honestly, but I'm really learning how to apply these things right now and yeah, it was really great.
Very truth saturated and solid stuff. It was so convicting and validating. I teared up on a regular basis and that epilogue!!
It's one of those books, the kind you get through reading and you know immediately that you didn't actually fully comprehend all the wisdom that it contains, but you have so much you're about to bust and - there's so much more there!! It's a reread for sure.
Allender makes his message plain and he has a very important message. He knows what it means to love and he represent that well.
Seriously, if you are in any relationship whatsoever you need to read this book.
This was the perfect time for me to be reading this. Anytime would have been great, honestly, but I'm really learning how to apply these things right now and yeah, it was really great.
Very truth saturated and solid stuff. It was so convicting and validating. I teared up on a regular basis and that epilogue!!
It's one of those books, the kind you get through reading and you know immediately that you didn't actually fully comprehend all the wisdom that it contains, but you have so much you're about to bust and - there's so much more there!! It's a reread for sure.
Allender makes his message plain and he has a very important message. He knows what it means to love and he represent that well.
Seriously, if you are in any relationship whatsoever you need to read this book.
January 18, 2019
Goodness gracious. What a beautiful, difficult, convicting, enlightening, hopeful read this was. I have never before read such an all-encompassing view of Christian love, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Allender's approach to writing is much like his advice in the book: it is compassionate, firm, and it pinches a nerve to a point where you desire to turn toward holiness.
This book is convicting to me, particularly dealing with my good ol' Southern passive aggressiveness ;) He leads the reader to see that Christ calls us to love people boldly, not pursuing them with politeness and accepting people without desiring to see their sin destroyed; he suggests we should be pursuing them with truth, with the hope that when hurt occurs, true reconciliation and restoration of the relationship can occur. One of his main points is that love cannot be "polite," because politeness would not allow the honesty that is required to point people toward holiness. It is a beautiful exposition of what Christian love and forgiveness should look like.
I would recommend this book for any Christian; whether you are simply occasionally hurt by snide comments from your roommate, or you have been severely abused for years, this book will help you comprehend what forgiveness looks like for anyone who has hurt you, and why it is necessary for the Christian.
This book is convicting to me, particularly dealing with my good ol' Southern passive aggressiveness ;) He leads the reader to see that Christ calls us to love people boldly, not pursuing them with politeness and accepting people without desiring to see their sin destroyed; he suggests we should be pursuing them with truth, with the hope that when hurt occurs, true reconciliation and restoration of the relationship can occur. One of his main points is that love cannot be "polite," because politeness would not allow the honesty that is required to point people toward holiness. It is a beautiful exposition of what Christian love and forgiveness should look like.
I would recommend this book for any Christian; whether you are simply occasionally hurt by snide comments from your roommate, or you have been severely abused for years, this book will help you comprehend what forgiveness looks like for anyone who has hurt you, and why it is necessary for the Christian.
February 20, 2023
An important classic on relating to difficult people - from heartless abusers to normal sinners. He’s not afraid to be, um bold, and even controversial at times. This book will challenge what you think loving, forgiveness, revenge, and turning the other cheek look like. This is perfect for slow reflection, group discussions, or as a reference for specific relationships. I don’t know how I feel about all of his assertions, but regardless, this one should be on every Christian’s shelf.
January 6, 2010
Amazing. If you want to understand -- really understand -- what is true love, then read this book. The point is that love fails us over and over again and we fail it. We are trapped by our own human failings. Recognizing love's failure and accepting it is a key step to move us towards the only one who can give us that real love... the only God who is and who made us: the greatest lover of all.
October 11, 2010
One of my "flying" books (euphemism for "books I threw across the room") - A year after throwing it, though, picked it up and read it all the way through. Huge impact in challenging deep brokenness. Highly recommend if you've got anyone you can't forgive, or someone you just don't want to.
December 31, 2018
Don’t Agree with Much of His Approach
While his basic thesis of reconciliation being the result of yearning for restoration, revoking the desire for revenge, and giving good gifts is sound, I found myself disagreeing with many assertions in his book.
While his basic thesis of reconciliation being the result of yearning for restoration, revoking the desire for revenge, and giving good gifts is sound, I found myself disagreeing with many assertions in his book.
September 10, 2022
It took me three years to get through this book which is the biggest reason I’m giving it three stars. It was redundant information and at times clumsily written. But I also gave it three stars for some of the material… at times it came across like the author, in his desire to show love and forgiveness, condoned or at least looked the other way in situations of abuse. I also disagree with the author that cutting off a family member is never the answer. Sometimes it is best, even if only for a short time, and sometimes the book language bordered in that legalistic and narrow view of forgiveness equaling reconciliation, even though he verbally stated that wasn’t what he meant. I wish he’d been a little clearer on that point and allowed more space for people to walk away if they felt that was safest.
However. The book brought me to tears several times with its wholehearted desire to find the heart and purpose of God in loving people and in finding that authenticity and honesty inside of ourselves. The author did excel at presenting two more extreme sides and attempting to find the middle ground - the narrow path. His heart seemed in the right place and the way he worded biblical truths often brought tears to my eyes. I’d like to read some of his newer books. Loving people is HARD and the author did a good job of wading through that tough topic in an honest and kind way.
One other thing I didn’t love about the book was the way he often referred to older Christians as naturally being wiser and better mentors than younger people. I haven’t experienced that in my own life at all, and firmly believe older people don’t have a special connection with God that younger don’t. We all have something to offer, all ages can disciple all ages, and we can always learn something if we have the mind to learn. Age is not automatic wisdom. I wish it were lol.
However. The book brought me to tears several times with its wholehearted desire to find the heart and purpose of God in loving people and in finding that authenticity and honesty inside of ourselves. The author did excel at presenting two more extreme sides and attempting to find the middle ground - the narrow path. His heart seemed in the right place and the way he worded biblical truths often brought tears to my eyes. I’d like to read some of his newer books. Loving people is HARD and the author did a good job of wading through that tough topic in an honest and kind way.
One other thing I didn’t love about the book was the way he often referred to older Christians as naturally being wiser and better mentors than younger people. I haven’t experienced that in my own life at all, and firmly believe older people don’t have a special connection with God that younger don’t. We all have something to offer, all ages can disciple all ages, and we can always learn something if we have the mind to learn. Age is not automatic wisdom. I wish it were lol.
April 4, 2022
There is no doubt that Dan Allender is an great writer and this read was enjoyable and full of many excellent and very helpful thoughts. There were also several things I straight up disagreed with, and more still that I am simply still struggling to comprehend well enough to decide if I agree or not. Nevertheless, I'd probably recommend this book because the questions it raises deserve to be struggled with. Loving well, particularly for the Christian, must be more than merely being nice or "turning the other cheek". We cannot continue to tell abused wives that submission to beatings is Christ-like and loving. We cannot refuse to get involved and stand up to evil and call it Christian. We must find the courage to face evil, patterns of foolishness, and desperate attempts to deny reality and find satisfaction or relief in the temporal, in both ourselves and others if we are truly to engage in the warfare of real relationships and bold love. And it can only be found in a proper understanding of the Gospel.
August 21, 2022
Honestly one of the best non-fiction books I’ve read in years.
One of those books that legitimately shifted some of my paradigms and challenged me to see sin, God, humanity, and dealing with people in new ways.
It is an incredible and beautifully humbling read.
This was also startling to me because I spend my life scouting for information on these topics (especially psychology) and have long-since found anything that was quite so catalytic.
There are a couple points it feels a little redundant in the 2/3 way through area, but the last 3 chapters are LIFE on how to deal biblically and practically with different types of people.
Nothing quite prepared me for this book.
The cover and description even sound vague ish and like every other self-helpy Christian book.
This is not the case. Dan Allender lays out his unique and profound lense for God and people in a way that is definitely worth the read. I already bought a copy for my good friend, and told my husband ‘you have to read this book!’
One of those books that legitimately shifted some of my paradigms and challenged me to see sin, God, humanity, and dealing with people in new ways.
It is an incredible and beautifully humbling read.
This was also startling to me because I spend my life scouting for information on these topics (especially psychology) and have long-since found anything that was quite so catalytic.
There are a couple points it feels a little redundant in the 2/3 way through area, but the last 3 chapters are LIFE on how to deal biblically and practically with different types of people.
Nothing quite prepared me for this book.
The cover and description even sound vague ish and like every other self-helpy Christian book.
This is not the case. Dan Allender lays out his unique and profound lense for God and people in a way that is definitely worth the read. I already bought a copy for my good friend, and told my husband ‘you have to read this book!’
October 22, 2023
I can’t say enough about this book. It was recommended to me and I confess I started with the last section of the book (which I never do) simply out of curiosity and based on the content. I then went back to the beginning and was blown away by the rest of the content and the beautiful way the authors so tenderly explain their message which is Biblical and relevant. So often as Christians, we think we are being “loving” by showing patience and making allowance for others who might be destructive or foolish or selfish. The authors so eloquently explain that this is not the love Jesus modeled for us. His love is bold and constructive and might require us to be assertive or creative or direct or strong. For someone with a more peacemaking personality, this book challenged the way I do things and my motives in a powerful way. It has also led me to dig in to the Proverbs for more insight about wise living. I highly recommend!
April 17, 2018
God calls us to speak the truth in love. "Cunning" and "crafty" are used of Satan and his followers. Too often people fear speaking the truth in love, reproving, rebuking, and exhorting. They resort to other methods which so often cause worse problems.
Page 152 2 Samuel 12 Nathan tells David a story to get him to see his sin. In the same conversation, 7 Nathan said to David, “You are the man!"
2 Corinthians 4:2 But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God.
2 Timothy 4:2 preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.
Page 152 2 Samuel 12 Nathan tells David a story to get him to see his sin. In the same conversation, 7 Nathan said to David, “You are the man!"
2 Corinthians 4:2 But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God.
2 Timothy 4:2 preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.
November 8, 2023
An excellent resource & instruction for all believers in discerning how to love their fellow sinners as they love themselves (Matt 22:38-39). This book is a goldmine of wisdom that expertly clarifies the categories Psalms & Proverbs give us of “the evil person, the fool, and the normal sinner” with the contrast of the wise man peppered throughout. I was incredibly helped (and convicted) by this book, but to be quite honest, chapters 1-9 are basically just a long winded & often repetitive set up for the depths of wisdom and practical aid in chapters 10-12. I wish there was an abridged version of just these last 3 chapters, with a title change & rebranding of the front cover— I think more people would read & be helped by it!
January 23, 2021
With a biblical worldview and great insight into the human heart, Allender and Longman unpack what it means for Christians to love their enemies. This is not a book of shallow "one size fits all" maxims. Rather with nuanced wisdom and vulnerability, these authors tackle the very real challenge of loving those who have hurt us the most. Their conclusions do not lead readers to an avoidant passivity but rather toward active strategies intended to move the other to repentance and restoration. Highly recommend.
May 13, 2023
I sometimes struggle with the way Christians write and talk about “love,” as it can sometimes come off as a bit soft and syrupy. But not so with this appropriately titled book. Allender calls the reader to a brand of love that is courageous, shrewd, and honoring of all that is true and good and right. And he frames it all in the larger context of battling the enemy’s schemes. Super insightful and helpful. My only quibble is that it probably could have been 50 pages shorter. But worth the time and effort.
July 5, 2018
It took me ages to finish this book partly because it really wasn't what I expected it to be based on the back cover and partly because I let it aside for a while to finish other things... It does have some good and important ideas, but the structure is not really clear and it took them forever to get to the point... I think it's mainly for those interested in counseling or therapy or for those who struggle with difficult relationships, and that's why it didn't really speak to me.
April 5, 2021
Really deep insights, but ultimately I think the categories of different people I.e. ‘Evil’, ‘Normal Sinner’ ‘Fool’, are treated too much as quite distinct personality types which means that the landscape of people in the real world is vastly too simplified. I would have liked to see a more nuanced account which perhaps treated these categories as ‘traits’ and recognised that most people are a complex mix of motivations, family history, etc.
February 17, 2018
This book is a great encouragement to think about what it means to love someone well, whether that person is your friend, or an enemy. At the end, the book details strategies for loving three categories of people (an evil person, a fool, and a normal sinner) and what that looks like.
June 23, 2020
Love is never called to "Get toxic people out of your life". That is a worldly sentiment because the world doesn't have the Truth that Sets Us Free. If there is something toxic happening in a relationship, God can show us how to deal with it but love is eternal.
March 25, 2022
(5☆ Would recommend & would read again)
Such a good book. Such a good reminder that we are called to represent Christ to others no matter how they love, eventhough loving others may look different for each person.
Such a good book. Such a good reminder that we are called to represent Christ to others no matter how they love, eventhough loving others may look different for each person.
July 15, 2022
An endless gold mine of healing and Hope
This is an amazing dance of Grace, Hope and love. A guidebook in some ways to How To Love boldly that allows a relationship with a God and Father and his loving son to lead and let us drink deeply.
This is an amazing dance of Grace, Hope and love. A guidebook in some ways to How To Love boldly that allows a relationship with a God and Father and his loving son to lead and let us drink deeply.
April 16, 2019
Long and too wordy at times, but surprisingly practical and challenging
Read
November 13, 2019This is the best most helpful book. Not a light read but lots of practical truths.
Read
July 3, 2020I read this book in college and it was a major influence on relationships and healing for me.
November 16, 2020
Essential reading when you are trying to deal with a fool or an evil person.
December 28, 2020
Very helpful book. Doesn't embrace imprecatory psalmody but that's because it was written by mental health professionals.
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