The Loving Push, 2nd Edition

SCOTT, 28

Former Quality Assurance Tester at Aspyr Media

Diagnosed with Asperger’s

Scott is a good example of how teens can turn themselves around and move from stagnation to action. His vocational journey also illustrates the need for preparing realistically for the workforce and the need to acquire skills that are transferable.

I was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was 12. I was pretty typical and I had restricted interests and social struggles. School was tough. High school was hell! I thought of it as a grinding mosh pit where everyone is terrible to everyone else. I spent pretty much all of my time just hanging out with a band of guys who constantly played video games. I really loved video games. I turned to them to escape, and then they took hold and I sank into a hole of video quicksand.

Scott could easily have become mired in a world of compulsive gaming. The next part of his story illustrates how much influence others can have in helping a floundering teen find a positive direction.

So I was this listless 15-year-old, and I was thinking I was pretty terrible at everything. I had no idea what I was going to do. Then one evening my Dad took me to a dinner party. Believe me, I would have rather stayed home playing video games! So at dinner this guy turns to me and says, Figure out what you really love to do. Then find someone who will pay you to do it. Well, you already know playing video games is what I loved to do. But for the first time it occurred to me that video games are a product. And that somebody has to make them. And I asked myself, Who are the people who make these games?

Once Scott saw the potential of putting his special interest to good use, he needed guidance to make it a reality.

I talked to my parents. My mom scoured classified ads and finally spotted one for a video game tester. I didn’t even have a resume at that point, but I wrote up everything I could about what I knew about video games and I got an interview! And that resulted in getting a gig each year from the time school let out until it started up again in the fall. For three years I worked summers at a game publisher doing quality assurance.

After high school, Scott started college. Because English had been his easiest high school subject, that’s what he automatically majored in. But he had no idea what to do with it. And more importantly, he almost lost sight of pursuing his special interest. Fortunately, he again listened to someone else’s input.

I had a college roommate who was a fellow gamer. He was from Austin, Texas, and told me Hey, there are lots of gamers back there! He told me Silicon Valley, where we were, was big on software but wasn’t the center of the gaming universe. He said Austin was where I should relocate and find a job. He was moving back there himself, so I agreed. Having him there turned out to be critical for both my personal and professional success. I needed a landing pad and a safe, comfortable place to come home to. And the gaming community in Austin is insular. Everybody knows everybody. That was really helpful. But if I hadn’t paid my dues with the summer jobs, I probably wouldn’t have been competitive.

Until just before this book went to press, Scott worked full time as a video game debugger. He said his job was the perfect union of his ASD traits and his special passion. The following quote was from before he was laid off from that job.

I get to work on broken video games all day long. I’m part of a cycle of people who each have their own important part in making the games a successful product people can enjoy. You’ve got talented creative people who envision the game, then the coder people who make the characters work, and then people like me who identify the parts that are broken. We enter bug reports into databases.

We play one game eight hours a day repeatedly and keep an eye out for anything that is broken. So maybe we spot that the hero’s sword has turned into a pineapple! We send it back to the developer because obviously they got the code string mixed up and missed it. And they send it back to us, but now the hair is purple instead of brown! So we spot that and send it back again. It’s an endless cyclic iteration—extremely repetitive, detail-oriented, and immensely routine. All traits that work great for me!

Even though Scott loved his job, he and his family have learned things they think are very important to convey to others on the spectrum. His mom emailed after Scott was laid off, with advice for other parents.

We’ve realized that quality assurance (QA) testing of video games will almost always be a minimum-wage contract-only position, since there are so many people who want to do that job. There is no career ladder here. Many testers would like to get into creating games, but with the advent of so many academic training programs for that field now, testers may be at a disadvantage compared to applicants who have those specific degrees. It’s also a field prone to booms and busts and frequent layoffs, even for game developers. For people on the spectrum, that amount of change can be stressful. That said, it’s still a good job for a young adult to gain basic job skills like responsibility, attention to detail, organization, and interaction. We’re encouraging Scott to articulate the skills he learned and apply for positions in QA in different industries, where there may be more stability. I want parents who read this book and might think video game testing or QA is the perfect job for their spectrum kid to also realize the drawbacks.

Scott agreed with his mom and elaborated in a phone call. He’s now in the process of expanding his career search and has his own advice for his peers.

What Mom said is true—it’s an industry driven by booms and busts, and the vast majority of entry-level positions are six-month contracts. One would have to be very lucky to find one that’s not. I got very lucky and knew it, because before this job I had two that were just short-term contracts. So I naively (in retrospect) thought I’d have more job security in this non-contract position. But after awhile, I noticed there weren’t many opportunities to move up. Then recently, the company said they were shifting to a more transparent system of evaluations and promotions. They said if you showed competencies you’d be a strong candidate to move up to the next tier, but the flip side was that if you weren’t ready, you were let go. My friend was laid off the same day I was.

Scott’s also not sure what to make of some feedback he received in his evaluation. He thought he was doing quite well and that something that had been brought to his attention earlier was no longer an issue.

They said I came across as defensive at work. That was strange to me. I thought that whenever somebody came to me with a question about my work, I’d explain why I did whatever it was. I usually thought I had done what they wanted me to do, so I’d remind them what they’d said to me. That behavior was coming across as overly defensive and they thought I couldn’t take criticism. I got that feedback twice, but I thought I’d done enough to rectify it. At the end of one meeting they even said it was okay and that it could be worked out. I thought it had been fixed. I told them to let me know if anything else is a problem and nothing was said, but in the final meeting they told me I wasn’t ready to move up so they were letting me go, and they also said that five months ago we talked to you about your defensiveness and you didn’t improve. It felt unfair to me and I feel a little bitter.

Scott believes working in video game QA was very good in some ways, and says he learned some essential job skills. But he warns others who are interested in the general field of gaming that there are significant limitations, and he shared some excellent advice he said was passed on to him from a friend.

I don’t know if very many people want to be testing games at age 40, but the fact is it’s a dead end for those with ambitions beyond QA. So now I’m between jobs and looking at more generalized software companies. I found out about a small producer of a global application that sounds interesting and I am in communication with them. My advice to others is to network. The usual advice of bring passion and your best effort isn’t enough. That’s necessary for any job. You have to have realistic expectations. And you’ll need to bring independent creativity to the table in this field. Creating games is a very common dream but the reality is somewhat different. My friend had this good advice: If you want a road to lead you somewhere different you have to change too. If you don’t change where you are going, you will continue going where you are headed. I think that’s good life path advice.

MARINA, 33

Married and mother of a daughter

Diagnosed with Asperger’s

Marina’s mother recalls their pediatrician being confused by her daughter. He told her that her child might be in and out of prison or spend her life locked in a mental institution. He bluntly proclaimed that Marina would never be able to take care of herself.

So I feared for her safety and her future. I was afraid she could never be sympathetic to others and that she’d stay dissociated from people, society, and the basic rules we have to follow in order to succeed in life. Everything was black and white for Marina. There were no grays, no in-betweens, and no middle ground. If something didn’t catch her interest, she would not participate in or care about it. She had no friends and couldn’t read people’s social signals, gestures, or even their words. She didn’t hear complete conversations.

Marina recollects being depressed and anxious for as long as she can remember. As a child she struggled with loud noises and didn’t want to be touched. She would pull away or make a mean face if someone unexpectedly touched her. She found most people shallow and felt like they knew hidden crazy algorithms or secret formulas that she had no clue about.

School was hard for Marina. She was afraid of both kids and teachers. Her mother set out to build her confidence and academic skills at the same time.

We would do spelling drills and I expected her to get A’s because I knew she could. But at first she would spell the word as though she was asking a question. I told her if she said it in a question voice, I’d mark it wrong. I wanted her to learn to spell but also to learn to speak with confidence!

I thought it was important for her to analyze, not just obey. I wanted her to develop more than one way of perceiving the world. So I would have close her eyes and pretend she was blind. Then I would hand her something —like an apple—and have her describe it many different ways, asking, How do you know it is an apple? She learned to use all her senses and to figure things out on her own.

I also wanted her to learn to analyze people. I told her that her teachers were smart, but they were just people, and all people make mistakes. I told her to obey them (and me, and Sunday school teachers) when they asked her to do good things. But I also told her to think for herself. She started analyzing her teachers without realizing it.

Later, when she was older, she and her sisters used to take really long walks through different neighborhoods. This was after her father and I divorced, and for a time we were actually homeless. We lived in an old van, usually by a public park. The girls would walk to upscale neighborhoods and look in the windows, and they started interacting with the people who lived there. Marina would come back and describe what she had seen. Her curiosity and approach of analyzing her world was paying off socially.

Her teachers, however, thought Marina was a problem and considered her rebellious because she wouldn’t always verbally respond to them. In sixth grade, the principal told Marina’s mother her daughter would no longer be allowed to attend his school because they were unable to help her. Her mother decided to find a different route.

I knew Marina was smart, but her anxiety and daydreaming kept her from learning. I finally started home schooling her. We spent time on the computer, and that suddenly opened a whole new world to her—she could view, learn about, and even buy things! She started reading others’ opinions, got exposure to other lifestyles and interests, and enjoyed educating and entertaining herself through the Internet.

Yet, today, Marina’s mother looks back and wishes she had done even more.

I wish I had pushed harder. I wish I had forced the school system to help. I wish I had acquired more knowledge to help Marina. I wish I had pushed her a little harder and put her into situations that would have taught social skills—maybe speaking, drama, or etiquette classes. I think I sometimes made excuses for her. I could have pushed her more to explain her thoughts or feelings. All children should be encouraged and nudged to do well. Until something is tried, you’ll never know what a child or adult is capable of. Children will become adults. They must function safely within society.

Marina has built a satisfying life that includes a husband and daughter. She makes contributions to her community and to the family’s finances, and is continuing her education.

I run a volunteer feeding program for the homeless every Saturday. We do it as a family. I also just recently started volunteering at the SPCA. I really enjoy helping people. It makes me feel really good that I am a positive force in someone else’s life—that I’m helping make someone’s life a little better. Having a strong adherence to routines helps me get up and out when I otherwise don’t feel like it. When I’m sick or fatigued I am able to push past that because it’s Saturday and we have to feed the homeless today.

I have always had an interest in astronomy since my childhood. My older sister bought us a computer when I was 14 and she got us connected to the Internet via dial up and AOL. At first we didn’t really understand the Internet—we would just click on whatever links popped up on the home page. Then we discovered the search engine feature.

I started researching anything I had questions about—a very wide variety of topics from the behavior of wolves to boa constrictors, Nile monitors, and komodo dragons, as well as fish and game regulations, gun laws, infectious diseases, neurology, and forensic anthropology.

Then I happened to watch a movie about physics and became interested in that. After further Internet research, I discovered and became fascinated with astrophysics. Right now I’m in my second year at a community college, majoring in physics, and doing well. I still find it hard to concentrate in a classroom though, so I rely primarily on textbooks and the Internet to understand material. I’m really fascinated by the universe and want to transfer to UC Berkeley when I finish here. I plan to major in Astrophysics with a minor in Computer Science.

I take care of the entire bill-paying for the family and it’s my job to plan our budget. I enjoy budgeting and managing our finances. Learning as a kid to create shopping lists and use a calculator paid off. Right now my financial contribution to the family comes from breeding and selling rats—another subject I also learned from various Internet sites.

JAIME, 35

From Coder to Project Manager, to Business Analyst at a large technology company

Diagnosed with PDD-NOS/High Functioning Autism

Jaime has found success with one of the world’s largest technology companies. His work involves almost daily interactions with others, which he still finds challenging. He enjoys the routine of his job and he likes the pay. As he’s been there longer, however, he’s started to wish his tasks were even more technical, and feels that he is not utilizing all of his skills.

Being on the autism spectrum actually helps me in my job. I am meticulous about anything technical. I am also able to view problems and solutions with a completely different perspective than others.

Earlier in his life, Jaime’s school performance looked fine to outsiders, but he knew that he was not putting forth effort that matched his abilities. He managed to get by, and even received some awards because he is very bright. But he wasn’t motivated and often didn’t even bother to read assignments fully.

I was smart and could get B’s in classes without even reading the full chapters of school textbooks. I thought I was too smart to study. At the time that was satisfactory to me. I underachieved.

Moreover, he said he was always the social outsider and was subjected to bullying.

I was always the outcast and I was never confident within groups. I got teased a lot. The kids taunted me with names like cabezon (big head) and orejon (big ears). I eventually learned that the opinions and actions of bullies don’t matter. After gaining that confidence, it was much easier to avoid them.

It probably didn’t help that Jaime struggled with neurological glitches that sometimes made it difficult to process incoming information and to regulate motor skills.

As a child I struggled to process what others were trying to tell me. I was also challenged with motor apraxia—a neurological condition that makes it hard to plan or produce body movements upon request or command. These are still areas that require great effort to deal with. I make sure to really absorb what someone is telling me before I respond.

Now, as an adult, Jaime has been in a live-in, committed relationship for the past four years. He credits his girlfriend as his greatest positive influence. Socially, he says he was always an introvert and still prefers just a small number of friends.

My partner has helped me so much in understanding NT (neurotypical) mentality. She explains the whys with logic and rationale in addition to appealing to my sensibilities. With a lot of training, she has helped me perform mundane tasks in a logical fashion, meanwhile acknowledging my unique talents.

Because I find it difficult to understand social contexts and cues, my attempts at increasing my social world have not really worked out well. I prefer to have just a few friends. These friends do not seem to care about adhering to social norms and they accept me for my uniqueness.

Jaime has also struggled with problems in his relationship that resulted from his intense interest in online video gaming.

I enjoy playing online games and it sometimes becomes a problem. My partner noticed that I get too zoned into the game, and she has brought it to my attention. Once I am in the game, I cannot easily leave its grasp on my attention. She has helped teach me how to pay attention to what other things are going on around me in addition to the game.

Jaime lives independently and finds some aspects of adult life easier than others.

I have never had any difficulty living on my own. I manage my money and do quite well at it. I shop for myself but do have difficulty discerning what is fashionable and what is not. I taught myself enough cooking to get by, but rarely do it. My housekeeping isn’t exactly spotless, but my places of residence were never really messy. I don’t notice minor splotches or messes when vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom, but I’ve improved over time in that area.

MARTHA, 57

Clerk in the Science Department at Sacramento City College

Diagnosed with Asperger’s

In my mid 30s a therapist I was seeing told me I might have Asperger’s and I asked him what I could do about it. He said, Nothing. At that time there was no Internet and it did not occur to me to research it further. Since nothing could be done about it, I thought the diagnosis was useless at the time and just put it out of my mind. Then a few years later I heard about Asperger’s again during an NPR story about Temple Grandin. By then, I was able to go online to learn more. I realized I had finally found the explanation for the difficulties I have had all my life.

A different therapist, who treats others on the spectrum, then confirmed my diagnosis a few years later. I also deal with depression and anxiety and most likely some ADHD.

Martha learned important life skills as a teen and young adult.

My first volunteer work was visiting patients at a nursing home when I was about 16. Later, in my 20s, I helped tutor people who were learning English. I’ve kept up volunteer work throughout my life. For many years I worked with Friends of the California State Fair. I prepared the monthly newsletter and was the board secretary at one point. I have also been active in church and still help out as an usher.

Martha’s family background was not very nurturing, but she recalls two positive influences outside her family. When one became increasingly sexually inappropriate with her, she ended the relationship, but she still credits him with teaching her important life and work skills.

There was a man I worked for when I was a teenager in the 1970s. At the time I needed a job and was going into as many shops as I could looking for one. I would go repeatedly if they said no the first time. The third time I went into this man’s shop he hired me, saying he was impressed that I was so persistent. It was a radio and TV repair shop, back in the days when there were lots of shelves full of tubes that had to be stored and inventoried. I understood the work quickly and was a natural because it required a lot of attention to detail. I wasn’t as good with customer service, but he taught me how to appropriately answer the phone and interact with customers.

Martha has struggled socially, but at this point in her life has found a comfortable amount of connection with others through her work and with members of her church.

I developed absolutely no friendships during my college days. I have never been in a romantic or sexual relationship. I have had female friends off and on over the years.

Often when I am in a group, I feel that I am invisible. Or that I talk too much and people just tolerate or ignore me. I do not enjoy parties or other group activities and, as I have gotten older, I have learned that I have the right to decline invitations to events that I find overwhelming or where I know I am not going to fit in or enjoy myself.

One advantage to my current workplace is that I have a lot of social interaction with the faculty here, and because it is in a rather structured environment, it is just the right amount of social life for me and not threatening or oppressive. I have also become very bonded with my cat and get a lot of enjoyment out of her closeness and companionship.

Martha’s work has been a success on multiple levels and is a good example of how important a good fit is at work. Later in the book, we’ll tell you more about her vocational journey and its twists and turns. Her example of continually moving forward in spite of obstacles and a serious setback is inspiring.

I have worked in my current job since 1999. I spend most of my time around science faculty. This is the first job I have had where I am respected for my intellect and skills and not resented or bullied for my quirks. Over the years I have gotten very close to most of the faculty and consider them more as family than as coworkers. I also like the fact that I can manage my time at work independently without a lot of close supervision, and that I can come to work dressed comfortably.

I also appreciate that I work later hours so I don’t have to get going too early in the morning. And I appreciate that we have a lot of time off, and that the school year ebbs and flows, so there are busy times which are relieved by quieter times.

COSETTE, 18

College student and aspiring illustrator, currently selling her art on Etsy.com

Diagnosed with Asperger’s at age six

Cosette was referred to Debra’s practice by her pediatric neurologist for further evaluation and testing. Her assessment confirmed a diagnosis of Asperger’s Disorder. Intelligence testing showed Cosette was very bright—her overall intelligence was in the superior range. It also revealed that she was faster and more accurate at grasping nonverbal concepts, such as shapes and designs, than 99.9% of her peers! Now, on the brink of adulthood, she is using this strength to pursue the avocation of illustrator, and at the age of 18 is already selling some of her work online and at anime and comic con conventions.

Cosette started life with many struggles, and is a great example of a child who needed and benefited greatly from some extra help and guidance. Without the ongoing direct influence and direction