Finding Rest for Our Souls: Stories of Soul Survivors

Advance Praise for Finding Rest for Our Souls

Mattingly and her colleagues vulnerably offer their own journeys of healing as they invite readers to rituals and practices that facilitate deep, soul-renewing rest. The integration of theology, experiences, and application is a rare find. This book is for anyone willing to be more whole.

Rev. Dr. Dawn Weaks

author of Breakthrough: Trusting God for Big Change in Your Church

"The collective Church is looking for where God is moving, aching for something that has been missing inside the walls of the institution, and desperate for answers for the division in the world. Finding Rest for Our Souls is a brave and deeply moving collection of leaders sharing their vulnerable stories of searching and finding the mystery of God again. From challenging the incomplete man-made disciplines to the awareness of our participation with creation, the authors’ challenge us all to expand our hearts, slow down, and learn to be truly present with ourselves and God again. If you feel something is missing in your relationship with yourself or God, if your spiritual disciplines have become stale, or if you have been wondering if there is something more, Finding Rest for Our Souls is a moving place to begin."

Corie Weathers, LPC, NCC, BCC

Military Clinical Consultant | Author | Lifegiver, LLC

Finding Rest

for Our Souls

Stories of Soul Survivors

Amber Mattingly, Editor

with Amanda Clark-Hines, Andre Brown, Dawa Norbu,

Angela Patterson, Courtney Armento, Michael Esterheld

Energion Expand

Cantonment, Florida, USA

2024

Collected work copyright © 2024. All rights reserved.

Individual chapters are copyright © by the individual authors. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked NRSV are from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright © 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Cover Design: Henry E. Neufeld

Cover Art: Adobe Stock ID# 754543647. The original artist indicates AI was used in its creation.

ISBN: 978-1-63199-912-3

eISBN: 978-1-63199-913-0

Energion Expand

an imprint of Energion Publications

1241 Conference Rd

Cantonment, FL 32533

[email protected]

https://energionexpand.com

Table of Contents

Introduction v

1 The Path to Peace is Painful 1

Amber Mattingly

2 From the Pew to the Mat and Back 15

Amber Mattingly

3 The Dirty Mess of the Psalms 31

Amber Mattingly

4 Wholly Listening, Holy Listening 51

Amanda Clark-Hines

5 From Fear to Faith: Finding Home Again 69

Andre Brown

6 Refuge: Be still and know 79

Ngapka Dawa Norbu

7 My Body, My Home 93

Angela Patterson

8 God is Here for It! 105

Courtney Armento

9 ‘My Life Flows On in Endless Song’:

Music, Ministry, and a Mother’s Gift of Grace 119

Michael Esterheld

10 Moving from Head to Heart in our call to Care for Creation 139

This seven day morning and evening meditation on the Psalms is available at: https://energion.com/7-day-practice.

Introduction

After completing my recent writing project, A Leap of Interfaith: Finding Treasures Through Shared Practice , with my colleague and friend Pema Lisa Antoniotti, I began contemplating how people establish a sense of safety within their religious or spiritual journey . This inquiry arose from discussions with Christians during our study on shared practices. Some Christians questioned why their tradition did not address building trust or finding solace, but rather assumed these aspects as given or at least implied.

Several personal crises in my life and a heightened awareness of the crisis of our planet, humanity,and relgious institutions emphasized a need for stories of people who experienced hardships and yet found a sense of safety. During this time of personal and ongoing communal turmoil, I turned to the Psalms. Through this exploration, I discovered that the Psalms encourage us to embrace the full spectrum of human emotions. They prompt us to express our feelings openly, assuring us that God’s love is vast enough to encompass all our thoughts and emotions. By engaging in this practice of sharing our deepest emotions with God and feeling fully accepted, we find solace and security within this relationship.

Once we have expressed our anger, fear, sadness, and desire for retribution, the Psalms redirect our focus inward. They encourage us to delve into our inner selves, a challenging journey unique to each individual. To aid in this exploration, I invited various authors to share their experiences and offer practices that guided them toward the peace they sought. These chapters and practices collectively birth what I term the Inner Sanctuary. By introspectively examining our role in personal or communal crises, we strive to cultivate the same sense of safety, non-judgment, and peace that we find in our relationship with our Creator. Some may view this through the lens of seeking refuge. As understood by Christians, refuge provides a protective shield amidst life’s storms, but conversations with people from other faith traditions have broadened my understanding of refuge. Refuge is also trusting in a source of direction, guidance, and assurance. Refuge embodies not only protection but also trust in a guiding light that steers us with wisdom and confidence. This holistic refuge encapsulates the respite we discover within the Inner Sanctuary. Crafting comfort within this sacred realm demands patience, attentiveness, and a steadfast intention.

What is truly remarkable about this book is that each author unearthed within themselves the very tools needed to flourish, and I believe you, our beloved reader, will too. It is my heartfelt wish for this book to serve as a companion on your journey, reassuring you of your kinship with fellow seekers. For thousands of years, people have quoted, chanted and sung the psalms to express the cry they feel emerging in the depths of their souls. As you read each story, you will find that the Psalms still speak to us today helping us navigate the path of suffering so that we might embrace new life!

My name is Amber Mattingly. I hold a Master of Divinity degree from George W Truett and in 2020 completed by Doctor of Ministry degree from Claremont School of Theology. My dissertation’s title is From the Pew to the Mat: Seeing and Hearing the Outsider. I focused on creating safer spaces for people from any or no religious background to engage in spiritual conversation. I am a yoga teacher with training in Ashtanga, Adaptive Yoga and Trauma informed yoga practices. I see the need for our religious traditions to be firmly rooted in practice as the gateway to expand our spiritual consciousness. I am a pastor of a Disciples of Christ church who through my leadership in 2022 decided to embrace new life through merging with a sister church instead of closing its doors. I am a mother to a neuro diverse child and another child who explores the world through music and theatre. I am the best friend & wife to the pastor of Kingwood Christian Church. My work with Middle school students and with those who identify as spiritually fluid was chosen by the National Benevolent Association (Disciples of Christ) to participate in the first Sent Cohort in 2021. In this work, I accepted invitations to be interviewed by Edge with the United Church of Christ and consult with InDependence a wellness community for military spouses. I value Beauty, Flexibility, Community & Collaboration. You can find me at ambermattinglylivefree.com.

Recently, I co-authored a book with my dear friend Pema Lisa Antoniotti titled A Leap of (Inter)Faith: Finding Treasures in Shared Practice. You can listen to the podcast about this project by locating Collaborate 2022: From Unknown Other to Sacred Other on Spotify.

Chapter 1

Amber Mattingly

The Path to Peace is Painful

I failed. When I say, I failed, I mean that I failed beautifully, magically, and totally. And I was not young and it was not my first job. It all started when my children became old enough to attend school and I was itching to begin my career as a minister. During my children’s early years, my husband and I realized that having a neurodiverse child required one of us to stay home until the advocacy for services outside of school and inside of school settled, so I chose to put my career on hold to focus on strengthening the support services. I volunteered as a children’s minister at my husband’s church and I filled the pulpit for area churches who did not have ministers, but my first paid position came years later.

I started as an Associate Pastor in a local congregation. On a stormy night, I interviewed and shared with the members in great detail my hopes and plans. They hired me and I quickly began working on my plans. We had a great 6 month honeymoon period and then things began shifting. Just like after a marriage honeymoon period when everything is magical and your partner can do no wrong and then all of a sudden you begin to get annoyed with how your partner squeezes the toothpaste or pretends to not see the film on the shower so that you do all the cleaning; this is how I felt treated by the church. I was wonderful one moment and then the worst human being the next moment. I did not understand what was happening so I mirrored the church’s behavior and began to shift. I shifted my personality. I lacked confidence in putting actions to my plans. I dove deep into an obsession with people liking me. This only made things worse because I was being fake. The church did not seem to like me, but they really did not like the fake me either.

Two years after I was hired, I arrived at a Sunday night board meeting and resigned my position. It felt like a divorce. I agreed to continue working until a church counselor met with everyone to help us address our issues. In the end, staying was not an option for either side and I left my position. I cried for the next three years and my sweet husband held all of my grief. I had always wanted to go back to school for my Doctor of Ministry degree, so during this season, I entered Claremont School of Theology’s DMin program that focuses on compassionate leadership. As I read material related to my Doctoral project, I found Ruby Sales’ interview with Onbeing. Ruby Sales is a social activist and theologian who witnessed the shooting of one of her colleagues. He was shot because he was a white man standing in line behind a black woman. This was not the only defining moment in her life. In the interview, Sales talks about another defining moment. In a conversation with her friend’s daughter, Sales felt guided to ask the question, Where does it hurt?¹ Sales told the interviewer that this one simple question set her friend’s daughter free to share things that she had never felt she could share before. Later in the interview, Ruby Sales says that most people begin speaking about what they hate, but underneath this hate is a love that has been lost, taken away or stolen.

Ruby Sales question, Where does it hurt? sent me on a quest to explore my own hurt and my seemingly inability to stop crying about what happened in my first church experience. First, I needed to ground myself in the story of my call to ministry. Feeling that deeply rooted experience of being called to ministry strengthened my resolve during this painful time of reflection. I have a vivid memory of the moment I felt called. We belonged to a United Methodist Church when I was young and in this church, we had an elder named Peter who would joke about his name saying that he was the rock on which our church was built. Just a little church humor from Matthew 16:18! Peter was a large man in size and in personality. One day after worship, he asked if he could see my hand. I cautiously extended my hand, and he took his large finger and traced the palm of my hand. Then, he looked into my eyes and said, You are a healer. At that moment, I felt very special, but completely confused by his meaning. Fast forward to reading the Ruby Sales interview and I think I was beginning to see the path in front of me. I needed to find healing so that I might offer sacred space for others to find their own healing. Healing sounds mystical and positive, but first you must suffer a wound. I learned as a pre-physical therapy undergraduate major, the second step in the healing process is that you must pick at the wound to clear away the debris. Well, I had suffered a great wound and now it was time to turn inward and ask, Where does it hurt? This is not a pretty process. Turning inward involves getting down and dirty in the bloody mess of the wound which makes it look worse.

One of my favorite authors and a man I consider a mentor for my ministry is Henri Nouwen. Nouwen describes the Hebrew word for compassion, rachamim, to mean a movement of the womb of God.² The question rises, How do leaders develop the compassion that moves a person at the gut level? To begin this journey, Nouwen talks about this first step of turning inward. He sees this act of turning inward, these moments of solitude as the furnace of transformation where a leader confronts all the inner movements of the self.³

Nouwen wrote that as we face our personal suffering, we experience a feeling of connectedness with the suffering of all living beings. He and his mentor Thomas Merton⁴ experienced suffering, turned inward in solitude to address the suffering, and afterwards felt an internal spaciousness to hold the suffering of others.⁵ Nouwen was also very direct to Christian leaders, but I believe his statement is true for all people. He wrote that leaders must walk the path before inviting other people onto the path.⁶ I interpret his statement to mean that our unique way to help others is to face our wounds, walk the spiral path to healing, and then return to help others find their own path to healing. There is a connection that happens between those who share their healing journey and those who suffer because they feel a renewed sense of hope that, one day, they will find their own path to healing. The one sharing the healing journey feels a sense of solidarity that inspires a deeper experience of compassion to bring relief to those who suffer.

But in my story, we are not there yet! Ruby Sales asked, Where did it hurt? Literally, I hurt all over my body. During my final year at my church, my autoimmune issues flared up and there were times that I could barely walk. My inner struggle was outwardly screaming through physical pain and I could not hide the effects. Continuing my journey inward, I worked with a therapist and the compassion-based curriculum at Claremont School of Theology aided in exploring new practices for healing. Internal work took me back