Breaking Point

CHAPTER ONE

It was a usual Friday night at the bar. Except it wasn’t.

My partners, Mitch, Kurt, and Tony, were there with me. My boyfriend, Kira, was there too, along with my boss, Berkman, and most of the guys from my division. There were celebratory drinks, a tab on the bar, and congratulations all round.

I should have been happy. And part of me was. But part of me wasn’t. The smile on my face and laughs with the boys didn’t quite sit right, but the more I had to drink, the easier it got.

Here it is! someone called out. Turn it up!

The attention in the bar was drawn to the TV as the bartender turned up the volume.

"…in this breaking story, after almost eleven years, Detective Matthew Elliott has announced his resignation from the LAPD…"

There were cheers and applause from around the bar, a few claps on my shoulder. Kira squeezed my thigh under the table. I smiled and lifted my beer in a salute before taking another swig.

I hated press conferences. I had a healthy distaste for the media and the paparazzi, and I hated having to put my life on display for the public. Yet there I stood in front of a dozen cameras and even more reporters about to give the biggest announcement of my career.

It was ironic that the biggest would be my last.

I was on screen announcing to the good people, and the not-so-good people, of LA that I was no longer a detective. I was no longer a part of the Fab Four. I was no longer a cop.

The questions started and I heard myself reel off the well-rehearsed answers on the TV. I’d given dozens of press conferences over my time with the LAPD Narcotics Division, and I’d never dreamed I’d be standing there announcing to the world that I was walking away from all I’d ever known.

Yet there I was, doing exactly that.

The questions on screen continued.

"Can you tell us why? Why are you retiring, Detective Elliott?" one reporter asked.

"Does this have anything to do with being outed as a gay cop last year?"

"Where does this leave the Fab Four? Do you have a replacement?"

"Are you planning a career in politics?"

I laughed at that, on screen and at the table in the bar. Mitch, who was sitting across from me, laughed as well. No plans for running for Governor? Come on, Mitch joked. You’d make a good politician.

I finished the last mouthful of my beer and pointed my empty bottle at him. Instead of telling him to get fucked, I said, My turn to buy. ’Nother beer?

Hell yes, if you’re payin’, he slurred.

I turned to Kira and leaned in toward him and asked, Drink, baby? He shook his head at me. I must be drunk if I’d called him ‘baby’ in front of the boys. Fuck.

Nah, I’m fine, he said. Someone has to make sure you guys get home okay.

’M sorry, I said, trying to apologize. S’been a big day.

Kira smiled sadly. I know it has.

I nodded and stood up off my stool. I swayed as I made my way to the bar. I was drunk. It had been an emotional day, after an emotionally charged few weeks since I’d announced that I was leaving.

It hadn’t been easy. It had been one of the hardest decisions I’d ever made, but it was the right decision. My partners at work, Mitch, Kurt and Tony, were surprisingly okay with it. My boss had warned me against it but ultimately agreed it was the right thing. But Kira… Kira didn’t like the idea at all.

He didn’t understand why I was leaving the department. No matter what reason I gave him, he didn’t believe me. He knew I loved my job; it was a part of who I was, he’d said.

And it had been a bone of contention between us since.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t being supportive. He just didn’t understand. I told him it was a decision I’d toyed with over the last twelve months, since he was abducted and tortured, beaten, held hostage because of me. And that wasn’t a lie. It just wasn’t the whole truth.

The whole truth was something I couldn’t tell him.

Kira knew there was something else to it. Of course he did. We’d been living together for almost twelve months. He knew me. And I’d never lied to him before. I’d never had to. And he knew I wasn’t telling him something.

He’d get quiet whenever I talked about leaving, waiting for me to explain the truth, but I never did. The night I told him I’d handed in my resignation was our first real fight. He yelled and I yelled back, and he threw a glass into the sink and I slammed some doors.

We hadn’t spoken for two days afterwards.

It had damn near killed me.

A hard thump on my arm and a large hand on my shoulder snapped me out of my memories. My boss, my ex-boss, Berkman stood beside me and threw some twenties on the bar. Whatever this man wants, he told the bartender.

I ordered some shots of bourbon under the watchful eye of the man who’d been like a father to me. I looked at him and gave him the best confident smile I could fake.

You sure about this? he asked quietly.

I nodded. Yeah…

Berkman’s jaw bulged and he exhaled through his nose. But?

I looked back to where Kira was sitting with Mitch and the others. I’ve never lied to him, I said, suddenly feeling every drink I’d had.

Berkman nodded. It won’t be easy.

Mmm, I agreed, swaying where I stood. I didn’t want to talk about it. Not here, anyway. Not that Berkman would have said anything. Need another drink, I mumbled, picking up a fresh shot of liquor. I threw back the bourbon, and when I put the glass back down, the bar wasn’t as close as I thought. Berkman put his hands on me, I realized, to steady me. Fuck, I was drunk.

I’ll carry these to the table, Berkman said, indicating to the drinks on the bar. Then he pointed me in the direction where Kira and Mitch were sitting. You go that way.

The bar was loud and busy, and as I crossed the floor, I bumped into familiar faces with pats on the back and rounds of good luck and best wishes. Berkman beat me back to the table with my drinks, and when I finally got there, everyone was smiling at me.

I slid my arm around Kira’s shoulder, and he maneuvered me onto my stool and handed me a drink. I held up the single shot, and Mitch, Kurt, Tony, and Berkman all raised theirs. Kira held up his soda, and they all bumped their glasses against mine.

To Matt, Berkman declared. To the future and wherever it may take you. We wish you well.

Cheers!

To Matt!

I downed my shot and sucked back the afterburn. Fuck. I’m gonna be sick tomorrow.

And you don’t have to be in the office by eight! Kurt cried. He looked as drunk as I felt. You get to sleep in!

I laughed. No more all-nighters, no more double shifts. I am done with that shit.

Mitch shook his head at me. You really doin’ it, he slurred. You really won’t be there tomorrow?

I shook my head. Nope.

Fuck, Mitch mumbled. He pointed his finger at me. If I get some rookie punk as a partner, I’m gonna kick your ass.

I laughed at him. Like to see ya try.

He shook his head at me. You really gonna do that fighting thing?

I grinned and raised my hands to protect my chin. Yep.

You’re fucking crazy, Mitch said, shaking his head.

Yeah, maybe that’s why he left, Kurt said with a sly grin. Hey, Berkman, he called out to the boss. Did Elliot fail his psych?

The older man snorted. "You all failed psych."

Everyone laughed, and even Kira smiled and shook his head at us.

So when do you start? Tony asked. I was pretty sure I’d told them all this already. This new career of yours.

Monday, I answered. I plan on being very sick tomorrow and possibly still sick on Sunday, but I’m signed up for the first official session on Monday.

You know, Mitch said thoughtfully, if you want to pay good money to get beaten up, you could’ve just paid me.

Fucking boxing, Kurt said, shaking his head.

It’s not boxing, I corrected for the twentieth time. It’s MMA.

Mixed martial arts, what-the-fuck-ever, he said, rolling his eyes. It’s punishment, that’s what it is.

Frankie. Tony called Kira by his nickname. Most of the guys still did. Frankie, talk some sense into this boy.

I’ve tried, Kira said quietly, turning his glass of soda on the table. I thought you guys might’ve had more luck. He won’t listen to me.

I sighed. We’re not going through this again. It’s a done deal, I told them. Cheer up, boys. It’s my farewell. I changed the topic. Whose turn is it to buy me a drink?

It was all an act.

We each had our part.

Everyone at that table had a role to play. Except Kira.

And that was what tore at me. That was what made this so damn hard.

I’d been part of covert ops before. I’d done my time undercover. That was until our little group of the famous Fab Four had our faces plastered on every screen, newspaper, and Internet news and celebrity site. Any chances of us doing undercover work again were pretty much over.

Unless one of us wasn’t a cop anymore.

If one of us left the police force, left the spotlight, left everything we’d ever known, then maybe one of us could get some inside information on a drug ring we’d been watching for months.

It would have to be public. It would have to be completely watertight, and it would have to be, for all intents and purposes, very real.

No one would know.

No one would know I was going undercover, except Mitch, Kurt, Tony, and Berkman.

Not even Kira.

For his own safety, he could have no part in this.

Kira knew my decision to leave my job hadn’t been easy for me, he just didn’t understand why. I’d told him I’d had enough. The last twelve months since his abduction and beating had been hard⁠—not just for him, not just for me, but for everyone. I told him I realized, while I loved my job, I loved him more, and I would never risk his safety again.

And as much as that was true, I couldn’t tell him the whole truth.

He disputed the whole idea, and God, we argued. But at the end of the day, I had a job to do.

I didn’t know what this would mean for us. I didn’t know where it would lead or how long it would take. Months, a year… there was no way of knowing.

I loved him, and I knew he loved me. I just hoped it would be enough.

I looked at him and squeezed his thigh. I’d had far too much to drink, and I really needed to go home. Even drunk, a part of me didn’t want the night to end. Because I knew, when I woke up in the morning, not only was I going to be hungover, I was also going to be just Matt Elliot. Not a cop, not a detective. And I didn’t know what it was like to not have that security, that camaraderie. My brothers.

That was what it felt like.

It felt like I was losing my brothers.

Love you guys, I told them.

Oh, fuck, Mitch said, standing up. He’s up to the ‘I love yous.’ That’s Matthew Elliott code for ‘I’m drunk.’ It’s time to get him home.

Don’t be like that, I said, shaking my head. I knew I was drunk. I knew my words were slurred and I was not staying upright very well, but I knew what tonight meant.

You’s are my family, my brothers, I told them, suddenly choking up on emotion. I’m gonna miss ya’s. I looked at Mitch. You the most, you son of a bitch.

He smiled and said something I think was supposed to be funny, but when he hugged me, he hugged me hard. He whispered in my ear, I’ll miss you too.

Kira was standing beside me now, and Mitch handed me over to him. Get him home, he said. Mitch looked a little teary-eyed, and he smiled sadly. Jesus Christ, Elliott. Never would’ve thought I’d be sorry to see the back of ya.

I had more claps on the back, another round of applause from the cops who were still there, and they dragged my sorry ass out the door. I hugged Tony and Kurt, and even Berkman, who handed me back to Kira. Apparently to keep me upright. I told them all I loved them again, then I told them leaving the police department wasn’t as hard as it was to say goodbye to them.

It’s not really goodbye, Kurt said kindly. You’ll see us all the time. We’ll do barbeques and poker or something.

Yeah, dinner with me and Anna next weekend, remember? Mitch said. Jesus, don’t forget that or she’ll kill me.

Tony hugged me. Yeah, and you’ll see us laughing as we write you up for parking tickets, traffic violations, jaywalking…

They all laughed, but I frowned. ’S not funny.

Yes it is, they said in unison, and with another round of laughter and goodbyes, they bundled me into Kira’s car. They stood on the sidewalk as we pulled out onto the street, and it was weird. As drunk as I was, I knew the look on their faces would stay with me.

My head fell back on the headrest, and I exhaled loudly. Gonna miss them.

Kira was quiet for a long while, and I turned my head to look at him. He glanced at me, then back to the road as he drove. Then why are you leaving?

I sighed, and the last shot of bourbon swirled through my brain. You know why. I’ve told you why. I was drunk and was sick of having this conversation with him, and my words probably sounded harsher than I meant them to.

He shook his head. Whatever.

Whatever. He fucking said ‘whatever’ to me. Well, fuck that shit. Deciding I needed fresh air right the fuck now, I tried to open the window, but the little button wouldn’t work. What the fuck is wrong with your window?

Nothing, he answered calmly. It was locked. Then he pressed a button and all of a sudden my window went down.

I sighed. Whatever.

The rest of the car trip home was quiet, and when we pulled up in the driveway, he opened my door and offered to help me out of the car. I can get out myself, I snapped, then almost fell out of the car. I lined up the front door and stumbled toward it. I don’t need your help, I told him, so he left me, walked up the front steps, and opened the door. And those front steps looked a mile high. Babe? I felt myself sway and stagger. Kira stopped and turned back to face me. I need your help.

He tried not to smile as he came back down the stairs toward me. Thought you said you didn’t need me.

I do need you.

He grabbed me as I misstepped. I can see that.

Sorry I’m drunk, I told him.

It’s okay.

Sorry ’bout before.

He helped me up the stairs. It’s okay, Matt.

Sorry, babe, I apologized again. Sorry I love you.

He hauled me inside and shut the front door behind us. He stopped walking and held me up so he could look in my eyes. Don’t apologize for that, he said.

I put my hand to the side of his face. I’m drunk.

I know.

I’m sorry.

I know.

He slung his arm around me and led me to our room. I just wanted to lie down, but he kept me upright and pulled my shirt off.

Love you..

I know.

I swayed and Kira steadied me. I’m really drunk.

I know. He undid my jeans and pushed them over my hips.

Too drunk for sex, babe.

He laughed. I know.

I fell onto the bed and Kira pulled my boots off, then my jeans. The room started to spin, and not even closing my eyes made it stop. I groaned. Love you.

I felt his lips at my temple. I know.

Good Lord, the thumping pain in my head was phenomenal. It matched the nausea. I hadn’t been asleep for anywhere near long enough, and yet something was telling me to wake up.

Matt?

Mm-hmm.

Matt, wake up.

No, my voice croaked.

I got you something, Kira said from somewhere close by.

I dared to open one eye, and the early morning light pierced my brain. Ugh.

Kira chuckled and tapped my leg. Sit up. I got you something.

I groaned again as I rolled over, and a wave of nausea crashed through me as I gingerly sat up. Fuck.

Kira was sitting on our bed. He was holding a small box. I got you a present.

What for?

Your first day of civilian life, he said cheerfully. He held out the box. Open it.

I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful, but my head felt like it had been kicked in. Kira, babe. I feel like shit.

Open it.

I took the gift and pulled at the wrapping, more concerned with the pain in my head than what was in the box. Until I opened it.

It was a pair of MMA training gloves. Black, fingerless, and padded. They weren’t anything spectacular; they weren’t anything profound.

But what they meant was.

Kira had been against me wanting to cage-fight since day one, yet there he was giving me a symbol of acceptance. I don’t want to fight with you about this anymore. If it’s what you want…

I looked from the fighting gloves to him. Kira… I struggled to find the right words. Thank you.

His smile faded. It’s what you really want?

I nodded. It is.

Kira got off the bed, and it was then I noticed he was dressed in his running gear. Then get up. Training starts today. You’re running five miles before breakfast.

CHAPTER TWO

I ran until I vomited. Then Kira made me run some more.

I was in the best shape I’d ever been. In the last twelve months since the Tomic incident, Kira had turned a lot of negative energy into positive through exercise. And of course, I did it with him, and it showed.

He found peace running or cycling or swimming laps. He said the more energy he burned, the clearer his head was. He still worked at the gym but had taken on teaching self-defense classes, including kickboxing, boxing, and some Mauy Thai boxing, which was where I spent a lot of my time.

I’d always loved my sparring sessions. And the more kickboxing Kira taught me, the more I wanted to learn. The more boxing and Mauy Thai he taught me, the more I loved it.

I was pretty fucking ripped. I was one hundred and eighty-five pounds of lean muscle. I was fit; I was the poster guy for health. Living with a fitness instructor and maintaining the same fitness programs as him meant I was in prime physical condition.

Which was probably why I felt every ounce of the alcohol I’d drunk last night.

I was suffering. It felt like my head was being hammered from the inside and my stomach was lurching with every step. Kira, on the other hand, was doing it easily. I stopped running and was leaning over with my hands on my knees, trying not to dry heave. Kira, who’d barely worked up a sweat, laughed at me and patted my back.

Want a shot of bourbon?

I hate you.

He laughed at me again. Wanna go home?

God, yes.

Well, too bad. Keep running.

I hate you.

Nearly all the people I train tell me that at some point, he said with a smile. It means I’m doing something right.

I’m not just someone you train, I whined. I’m your boyfriend. You’re supposed to take it easy on me.

He leaned over and whispered in my ear. "If you be a good boy and finish this run, when we get home, I’ll put you in the shower and take it real easy on you."

I groaned as I stood upright. Do you offer all your students sexual rewards?

Only the cute ones, he said with a grin. Now get your ass moving, or I won’t go easy on you at all.

I started to jog again. "You know, I’m half-tempted to not get my ass moving just so you’ll not go easy on me."

He laughed as he ran beside me. Yeah, I should have known better… How about, if you finish this run without stopping, I’ll finish you off in the shower, then let you go back to sleep.

It almost killed me, but I did it.

Kira shook his head at me and pushed me down the hall toward the bathroom. Now at least I know your motivation. Get your sorry ass into the shower.

You love my sorry ass, I said, stripping my shirt off as I went.

The water over my skin was heavenly. I washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and scrubbed the stench of the night before from my body. By the time Kira joined me, I was feeling remotely human.

He stood under the stream of water, lifting his head back, letting the water run over his hair. I turned him around so his back was to me, poured some shampoo onto my hand, and lathered up his hair, massaging his head with my fingers.

His head lolled back and he groaned. Mmm, that’s good.

Then I ran my soapy hands down his shoulders, down his back to his perfectly rounded ass. Mmm, it sure is.

He chuckled and turned around to wash the shampoo out of his hair, and I continued to skim my hands over his chest, his abs, down to his half-hardened cock. He groaned at my touch, then his head fell forward. Oh, he said, like he’d just remembered something. Mom wants us over for dinner tomorrow night. Is that okay?

My hand froze, still cupping his balls. Is it okay that we go there for dinner? Or is it okay you mention your mother when I have my hand on your balls? I asked with a chuckle. Because dinner is fine…

He laughed. I just remembered.

You know what I just remembered? I asked.

He smiled. What’s that?

You said you’d finish me off in the shower…

His eyes shined, and he licked his perfect lips. He turned us around so I was under the stream, then he oh-so-slowly fell to his knees.

Between cold tiles, warm water, and a hot mouth, my senses were in overload. Kira knew how to bring me to climax so quickly. He knew my body, what I liked, what I responded to. His lips, his tongue, his hands cupped me and fingers probed me, and he sucked me until I came hard down his throat.

And when my legs gave out, he turned off the water and towel-dried me. He took my hand and led me to bed, where he laid me on my stomach and knelt between my legs.

I loved having him inside me. I fucking craved it.

I lifted my hips for him, and when he was sheathed and slicked, he pressed against me. Into me. Slowly he filled me; slowly he fucked me. He nipped his teeth at my shoulder and he dug his fingers into my hips. He whispered in my ear, and he kissed down the back of my neck. Then he thrust a little harder, his fingers dug a little deeper, his groans became grunts, and he came.

Without moving off me, Kira lifted his