Perfume River

1

So it wasn’t in the cards. Sam tossed the form letter onto the floor next to her. Grants and rejections. She was used to it. Still, it would have meant she could quit her job at the frame shop and work on her art full time, even rent a studio downtown with enormous windows and light streaming in on her in the early morning. Winter sun warming the place, spilling over into her life, filling up all the cracks. And there were cracks, small crevices wearing away her resistance; she wasn’t as good at rejection as she used to be. Then she would shrug her shoulders and say it was their loss, his loss, anybody’s loss but hers. Now it felt like what it was, a missed opportunity to get on with her life the way she had envisioned it as a working artist with a few shows and occasional sales, some teaching, and freelance commercial work to get her through. Now it felt lonely, depressing. Another out. Another inning.

She stretched out on the wood floor, her slim body in sweatpants and an old Jimmy Carter T-shirt. Samantha Ellings is not a loser, she thought to herself. I don’t give up that easily. I’ll try again. It only takes one show, one grant, one shot of good luck.

Familiar territory. She felt the blues and then talked herself out of them. Life had always been that way. If you wanted to stay sane, you kept things to yourself and your eye on the horizon. Today she didn’t believe it herself, but no matter, she had the day off. Perhaps she wouldn’t be looking at the world as if it were exploding in color, but she’d go see Netty, ride her bike without using her hands, steer with her keen sense of balance, and keep things under control.

I still say you should run along and spend this nice day with some young man. Netty shuffled the cards again. She sat in a wicker rocker on the other side of their TV tray table.

Sam sat in stocking feet on the bed. Why are you so eager to get rid of me? I don’t remember saying I was looking for male companionship. Just give it a rest, Netty. Let’s go. Am I winning?

Not a chance, dear. Not a chance.

The cottonwood tree on the boulevard in front of ChoiceCare dropped seed tufts onto the street and sidewalk below. Netty had been Gran’s best friend. Her son opened a video store in Minneapolis and made the move from St. Cloud four years ago. Netty made the move last year, after they sold the farm. I remember when you were wearing braces. Netty laughed. Your Gran always said you’d be the best-looking girl in Stearns county when they took the barbed wire off your teeth.

She said that? Sam smiled. Then she told me not to be vain and worry about some little wires that couldn’t hide a smile like mine. Gran was a double-talker if I ever saw one. Barbed wire.

Netty held the deck of cards to her lips as a smile spread out from both sides. Her hands trembled, the blue rivers of blood showing through parchment skin. She would like to see us playing cards together like this. Passing a quiet day in the city.

I’m sure she would like to see me win, Sam said. I was her favorite, you know. Now deal out that deck; I feel lucky.

2

S o I told him if he would not pay me for the photographs, they would not be hanging on his wall anymore. I put them under my arm and walked out. Just like that. Gary finished his drink. The bar reeked of beer and stale smoke.

Sam gathered her thick hair up off her neck and twisted it into a bun, smiling at Gary. God, it’s hot. Should we get out of here?

She wanted to listen to his voice, to talk and listen to her own voice, to hear the two of them all night saying important things, saying unimportant things, whispering away from people and bar popcorn. She didn’t want to be alone.

Gary drove around Lake Calhoun. Sam leaned back in her seat. Spotlights poured across the groomed lawns of huge, old-money houses. Want to come over for a drink? Gary asked. She shook her head yes, still eyeing the pillars and bay windows. It was a beautiful night. Too early to sleep.

Sam stood in the dark living room of the small rambler with a glass of wine; Gary lit a candle and turned on the stereo. The walls evaporated into shadow as they danced, her shoulder fitting into the curve of his. Sam’s thighs leaned into his as she listened to the slow jazz melody. She let herself get lost in his arms, in the musical dark, throwing off every argument, every defense.

Gary took her hand and led her down the hall to the bedroom. She knew this part. They undressed in the half-light from the street lamp and lay down on the waterbed. The bed’s small waves followed the desire.

Later, listening to Gary’s steady breathing, Sam stared at the ceiling. Pale boxed light shown in from the window. It was always this way. Allowing her body to surrender to the passion, and then later, distrusting her feelings, trying to make sense of it. She had been in love once. It felt like slick ice on the freeway; the car going into a fast skid. The skid wasn’t painful, but the knowledge of the inevitable impact was, and she’d been right. Face first into a brick wall.

She closed her eyes. She would always be working on that one, trying to figure it out. How can you live your life in any kind of rhythm and still be open to love? One thing was certain: she wasn’t in love now. Gary was a nice guy. She’d wanted it to work, but she didn’t love him. They were just friends. You don’t make love with friends, Sam thought, so what am I doing here?

The long dock slipped into the Mississippi behind her house, stretching out into the thick autumn mist. Sam still couldn’t see the end as she walked along the weathered boards. Too much fog. But each foot followed the other, as she obeyed some sleepy need to move forward. A gaping hole left by three missing boards caused her to pause before jumping over the expanse of dark water. She glanced back and saw the floating bodies again, as if for the first time, human bodies suspended on the waves like stiff plaster mannequins.

Sam jumped back across the open water and ran toward the shore, but as it happened every other time, the beach was no longer visible. The wooden planks stretched out endlessly both ways. She attempted to scream, but nothing escaped from her throat. Gasping, she heard the faint tinkling of a bell beyond the slapping waves. The outline of a small rowboat became clearer in the gray cloudiness. Someone was calling her name. The distant voice sounded like her mother. Then she saw what looked like her father, holding her mother’s head on a platter.

Sam tossed in her sleep, wrapped in the familiar skin of the nightmare. She forced her eyes back to the water, knowing the bodies would be gone, and they were. In their place, huge water lilies bloomed in a calm river. Pastel flowers the size of beach balls crowded both sides of the dock. An overpowering sweetness filled her lungs until she was certain it would choke her.

Sam sat up in bed and searched for the comfort of her bedroom in the late night. A hatrack hung over the dresser. A straight-backed chair stood draped with layers of clothes. A couple camera tripods. The door on the wrong wall. She rolled over slowly and smelled someone else’s sheets, another body beneath the covers. She closed her eyes again, backtracking to dinner, to the bar and dancing, to Gary’s careful hands on her shoulders, the pleasant rhythm of sexual patterns: his lips sliding behind her ear, her hands finding the curve of his back, the distance one can acquire in the dark. While they made love, she ran out ahead of herself, listening to distant breathing.

She didn’t even know Gary’s address. They’d dated off and on for a few months, but she didn’t remember the name of the street outside the bedroom. The evening floated over her like so many others. Details. She tried to sleep. In the morning, she would go home.

Gary stood bare-chested at the stove, spooning brown crystals into a cup. Coffee? I’m out of the real stuff. He was intensely handsome. Curly auburn hair. Cheekbones Sam wanted to follow with her fingers. Walnut eyes.

Thanks. Gray formica table, piled high with newspapers. White walls. Breadcrumbs by the toaster. The disturbing dream stayed out at the edge of her vision, blurry and indistinct. She drank the bitter coffee and stared out the window as Gary got ready for work at Rolens Ad Agency. The familiar silent gap.

He clicked on the radio and read the comics while he tied his tie. The scene was a rerun. Sam delighted in the tenderness, listening to words that could tip an iceberg on its side. She relished all that emotion, but in the morning she understood the rules. Don’t take it too seriously. Don’t ask too much. Don’t tie knots. She always returned home, noticing the vibrant colors of the trees lining the boulevard; colors so vital she could cry. Brilliant ocher and gold splashed against the empty, consistent blue.

Want a ride home or to work? I’ve got plenty of time.

Sam forced a smile. Yeah, home would be good. I’ve got the day off. I might sketch at the bus stop. She stood up and stretched, pulling the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands.

Sam put on dark sunglasses as they stepped out into the bright morning. The lawn was thick and long. Who does your yard work? she asked.

Gary sighed. Next weekend.

Sam glanced down at the corner before getting into the car. The street sign read Van Buren and Fifth.

3

Anumber 17 would come by soon, Sam thought. She found a spot near the corner and put down her canvas bag and drawing paper. She used her coat as a pillow and sat down, resting against the wall of the doughnut shop. A mopish looking dog sat in the middle of the sidewalk, attending to fleas on his hind flank, turning himself in circles, trying to reach his back.

As the red metro bus approached, Sam pulled out a pencil and propped her drawing pad on her knees. The sun was out, playing up the autumn colors. Reaching into her bag, she pulled out a Walkman and headphones. The bus pulled away from the curb, leaving its fumes and several riders. She sketched one man’s face, his mustache like a caterpillar crawling over his top lip. So much trouble in the world, she sang softly to herself as people milled about, stepping off the curb and looking further down Nicollet Avenue for the next approaching bus. An older man in a black knee-length coat and plain trousers stood reading the Minneapolis Star and Tribune, shifting his weight from one leg to the other each time he turned a page. A few riders wandered off in other directions. "So much