Cygnet: A Novel

Dedication

For my sisters.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

Chapter One

I open my eyes to the churning of the waves outside. They don’t rest, so I don’t sleep well either. I really should be used to it by now. At least it’s sunny. I try to use the thought to power my move out of bed and into my clothes and off to Mrs. Tyburn’s house for work. To be honest, I preferred it last week when it rained every day. Rain in big wet slaps, the kind of rain you only get on islands, out to sea. On dark mornings there’s a reason why it’s hard to get up, an actual weight in the air to fight, something real to run from, to hide your face from. Today it’s clear and the light is coming through my window like the blond arm of a Christmas card angel. But fuck you, I don’t want to go.

The clothes I washed yesterday should be dry by now, out on the clothesline strung between two trees in the backyard. I don’t have a lot to choose from clothes-wise now that it’s summer, so I do laundry kind of a lot. It’s too hot for most of the clothes I packed to come here, when I thought this would only be for a week or two. That’s what my parents said when they left me on my grandmother’s old folks’ island—just a week or two, a month at the most, and we’ll come get you. My mother kissed me with those purple-brown lips of hers and said, We’ll be right back, hold tight.

Those dickheads are always late.

And the old folks, the Swan Island Swans, are past caring whether I have anywhere to go. Most of them didn’t care in the first place, were reluctant to agree to my coming here at all. By now they just want me gone.

As I walk through the house, it’s easy to ignore the mess I’ve left. There’s a path from the stairs and into the kitchen and to the back door where that too-bright morning becomes big and real and takes over my field of vision. When I close my eyes, I can make the ocean sound like a city. Swells of traffic and millions of voices that flow together into a murmur. I walk toward it as if to an overpass at the edge of a highway. Normal people don’t live like this.

I open my eyes and try to judge how close to the edge I can go. I stop a couple of yards shy of the edge and look over into the waves. From my bed it didn’t sound this bad. I almost managed to pretend that I had dreamt it. No such luck. Another few feet of the cliff are gone. The end of the yard is a booby trap, something out of a cartoon. There’s no ground under the grass, nothing underneath to support your weight, just a drop into the constant traffic of the waves against the rocks. Fresh rock and soil and dangling roots like the nerves of an extracted tooth are exposed along the C-shaped underside of the cliff face. The clothesline and the few things I had left to wear in this weather are long gone. One of the trees, a dogwood, clings to the cliff side at a desperate angle, four-petaled blossoms shivering in the wind. It looks like it’s still falling. I can’t see the other one at all. My dogwood tree at the bottom of the sea.

One, two, three, four. A few more steps and I could end this. Five, six, seven, the end.

Shit. Oh, shit, Mom, where are you?

Staring out toward the ocean makes my heart beat hard, like it’s being punched by someone I can’t see, someone who really hates me. But it’s also hard to pull myself back from the edge. I’m trying to figure this out, trying to get my head around how to retrieve the trees and the land and my clothes. How to make this process change its mind. It’s upsetting, and stupid. Confusing in a different way from anything else. Confusing down into my bones.

I pad back through the house and take the stairs two at a time. In my room (the guest room actually) there’s nothing on the walls except the watercolors Lolly used to do at an evening class in the chapel. When I told her I liked them, she just rolled her eyes. She was right, of course, they’re no great shakes, and it was good to have someone who didn’t need to be lied to all the time. I always thought I could be like her if only I studied her carefully enough, watched her closely and memorized her, but she always seemed too far away to see clearly.

Wool pants, a thermal hoodie, some sweaters spreading across the floor. Winter stuff. Nothing I can wear today. But they’ll be back soon. Probably tomorrow, even. They’ll have to.

Pushing eight-thirty. The last of my clean work clothes are gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to borrow something of Lolly’s. I find myself tiptoeing as I cross the landing that separates my room and hers. She hated it when I went into her room. I didn’t see what the big deal was, but she caught me in there once borrowing socks and she turned and left all freaked out like she’d just caught me mixing up a cocktail of perfume and hand sanitizer. I came downstairs with an apology all ready but she’d gone and left one of her weird little notes. Something like, I’m happy to lend you anything you need but you really must ask. I love you.

She always said that. And she did, I guess. She just didn’t want me.

The carpet in her room is softer than in the rest of the house. Her bed is made tightly, like if Laura Ashley ran the army. Simple dark-wood bedside table with nothing on it but a Tiffany lamp, pretty stained-glass shade anchored in place with an iron base. In its single drawer are her reading glasses, her bible, a little pack of tissues, a pen and a pad with four or five pages ripped out, half a roll of cough drops, her checkbook (don’t get excited, it doesn’t work; I tried using it in February for the mortgage payment but the bank noticed the forged signature and sent the check back), a bottle of Valium, and three first-class stamps. After she made it clear I wasn’t to go into her room, I just had to, every chance I got. There are six Valium left. I take one and place the bottle exactly where it was.

Her closet smells of lavender and cedar. Everything is clean and pressed and hanging with similar garments in similar colors. This is probably better anyway; I always look grubby in my own clothes, even when they’re just washed, and Mrs. Tyburn looks at me differently when I look grubby. She never actually says anything, which kind of makes it worse.

I grab a red skirt that feels light enough for the weather and a black button-down shirt with sleeves I can roll up, and stop when I see the neat handwriting on the Post-it note on the closet door. Moths, do not leave open. I obey and dash back to my room, willing my feet not to press dents into her carpet.

A cymbal clap of wind and waves outside sends the crumbling cliff to the front of my mind’s eye, making my nerves too brittle to meet up the buttons with their holes. It’s okay. I’ll be able to leave soon. They promised they wouldn’t leave me here for long. And anyway I’m going to move back to New York, just as soon as I save up enough for the deposit on an apartment. But with the mortgage here and the bills I never have much left over. Eventually, though. Soon. I won’t be able to afford a place by myself, but it could be cool to have roommates. Sometimes I rehearse what it would be like. I wouldn’t want to make things awkward by acting eager or too withdrawn. I would keep to myself just enough. Let them take the lead until I figure out how much space people my age want. Will we hang out and cook together, or go out to our local bar and sit in the same spot every time? Talk about bands and, I don’t know, something quirky like classic cars or paleo baking? Not that I know anything about anything, but I could catch up. They’d see me as the quiet one, a little weird but a good person really. Once you get to know her. I could fit in.

Down in the kitchen I pull a paper towel off the roll and cut a wedge of the apple pie I made yesterday. Congealed and tart and sweet, it makes the perfect breakfast eaten out of hand in the dash to Mrs. Tyburn’s house. I stuff a bite into my mouth and wrap the dish with the remaining pie, a generous half, in a kitchen towel, then hoist my bag onto my shoulder and pull the kitchen door shut behind me.

As usual, the waves are waiting.

I think most people have some part of their neighborhood where they never go—an uninspiring park, a corner where men sit and make noise when you walk by, the yard where a dog barks and lunges and flings ropes of froth from its gums, the street where the cars go slow and stop without really parking, and the transactions are quick and furtive. For me, that part of the neighborhood is the sea. I leave it alone and it leaves me alone. Except that, lately, it doesn’t.

I try not to look over my shoulder and across my shrunken backyard. I’m pretty good at it, after six months of practice. I keep my eyes forward as I head around the house, or look down at the stumpy green and brown spikes of grass and choose my path carefully as I walk up the little hill, because the steps that are there to make it easier to walk up are wrecked and do the opposite of what they’re there for. But obviously my mind hates me and when I get to the top of the hill where the path to my house meets the road, my head twists and I glance behind me and everything stops.

I feel ungrateful, but I hate it so much, this view, this breathtaking view. Most people would think I’m lucky to have it. I am, I know, but I hate it. It’s like falling through noise. Christ, the ocean makes so much noise. It’s like a jet engine. But no one complains because the ocean is beautiful and beauty lets you get away with murder. My chest closes up, I turn my back to it, but the noise persists. It keeps coming, and even though I can’t breathe I somehow have to outrun it while it roars at me, drooling with its hunger to swallow me up.

I take the hill in long, tense strides, every step a trade-off between speed and balance, keeping the pie from falling, keeping myself upright, holding it together. I rest at the top of the hill and force my face in the other direction, to the middle of the island. I can just about make out the point of the steeple. Not far from here, but as far from the ocean as it gets. The Valium is kicking in. My shoulders retreat away from my ears, and when I get my wind back, and the sweat on my skin starts to cool, I press on.

Lolly’s house is secluded on the south side of the island. I’ve long since finished my slice of pie and squeezed the napkin into a hard little ball by the time I reach my nearest neighbor’s house. It belongs to a Wrinkly called Nick. I square my hips with his front door and hold my offering in front of me in a way I hope is appealing. His house is just like mine but further from the cliff. It will go over someday, but mine will go first. That timeline would be all wrong back in the Bad Place, but here it’s perfectly fair.

Two stories, simple shingled roof, white wooden siding, freshly raked gravel path from the door to the entrance. Big windows like curious eyes gaze out at the passerby. I force myself to walk to the door against all my better judgment.

I knock. No answer. I look at my feet and rub some dust off my ankle with my opposite instep. I lift my fist to knock again but think better of it. Instead, I move my face to press my ear against the door. As it makes contact with the paint, sticky in the rising summer heat, the door swings open and I stumble into Nick’s big, furry chest, which is blotchy pink and peeling in places where he’s sunburned. Somehow I manage not to drop the pie.

I straighten and wait for him to say something but he just stands his ground and lifts his chin to its highest point, expecting me to speak first. My tongue fills my mouth and won’t coordinate with my thoughts.

Yes? he says finally, brows lifted, mouth pursed.

My mouth just hangs open. I think I’m trying to smile. I’m sure I look ridiculous.

I hold up the pie. I made this but I can’t finish it on my own, so I thought you might like half?

Leftovers! He makes his voice high in sharp mock excitement. How nice of you to offer, but I don’t eat junk food. You understand.

I look away from the glare of his blue eyes as the sticky door slams in my face; I understand perfectly. It was stupid of me to come here. Peace offerings are pointless coming from the side that’s already lost. Why can’t he see that I just need a little more time? I’m not old enough to be here, sure. Not by a long shot. But I’m not trying to ruin their retirement paradise; I’m waiting for my folks. Trying to be good and quiet and patient. Still, everything I do just seems to make things worse.

I’ll bring the rest of the pie to Rose. She’ll be happy to have it, maybe even proud of me for how well the crust came out. Might even give me a hug or something, if no one else is in her shop.

Nick’s the worst of the really hard-core separatists. Some of the Wrinklies make a show of ignoring me or take exaggerated swerves to avoid me. What’s worse than that, worse than the shitty little digs Nick will lob at me every chance he gets, are the ones who tolerate me, like they deserve the Nobel fucking Peace Prize for exercising the self-control it takes not to shit on a kid who’s probably an orphan for all they know. Nick’s the most aggressive for sure. Before he ever even spoke to me directly I overheard him in the chapel talking to Mrs. Tyburn about me:

"She clearly is talented, Maude. She’s somehow managed to turn two weeks into three months. I mean, I thought that’s what we agreed. The minutes of the meeting say two weeks, six at the most. And here we are, three months on, and I know I’m not the only one wondering when we get our island back. No disrespect to Violet, but I don’t see anything in our charter about compromising our vision to run an orphanage for the offspring of every deadbeat who can’t clean up and get on with it. I mean, enough is enough, surely . . ."

And I’m like, right, that’s my talent, getting dumped on Swan and losing everyone who means anything to me. As if I could be anywhere in the world doing whatever I want, and I picked this place, an idiotic rock in the middle of nowhere, irritating the elderly with the fact that I exist. Living next door to some ugly curmudgeon giving me constant side-eye. Calling hospitals and distant relatives and their friends, scanning cameras and police reports and obituaries. Paying the bank for a house that has a death wish and trying to sweep the crumbs left behind into my future. The big bone at the base of my neck ached against the pew I was sunken down into.

Patches of dandelions poke their jagged leaves and rough little heads out along the edge of the dirt road. The closed buds of the new blossoms look like chapped lips puckering for a kiss no one wants. Dust and sweat are forming streaks of mud on the soles of my grandmother’s shoes.

My mother was going to show me how to make dandelion wine, once when I was a kid, but it didn’t work out. We lived in Colorado then. One of my dad’s friends was starting a business, something to do with telecoms or internet phones or something, and he was going to get us in on the ground floor. Turned out to be just another stupid pyramid scheme. We’d packed up and moved two thousand miles for a scam, but that’s the thing with my folks. They hear what they want to hear.

Colorado was where I realized that there are places where people don’t ignore each other to be polite, or even just give you a quick smile and nod if they’ve seen you around; they give you an entire sentence, a whole Have a good day, or whatever. I’ve lived in places where that practically constituted an assault. Having someone be that nice to you, out of nowhere, it’s almost like being touched. Most of the Swans are at least polite like that. Not Nick; he acts like even waving to me would make his hands dirty.

Anyway, we only lived in Colorado for a sec; I didn’t even register for school or anything. But I was there long enough to learn that you don’t have to get all bent out of shape whenever a stranger says hi or, like, howdy. Money was tight from the move, so my mom and I went out in the afternoons to the overgrown edges of parks and wild spots by the foothills to