A Sinner's Ride

PROLOGUE

Ihaven't slept in days. All I do is chain-smoke and sit in my tiny, sparsely furnished room, by my window and look out as the raindrops fall in long dripping lines against the window pane. I am completely in the dark about my baby's welfare, and I am really worried. Where has my life gone? How could this have happened? What should I do? I have to get out of here, but how? I have to find a way to get out of here. When will I be able to get off this horrible roller coaster ride?

CHAPTER 1

My name is Sinner. My boyfriend, Daniel Hughes, nicknamed me when I was about ten. Cinnia Lorraine Reems is my full name. To him, Cinnia and Sinner sounded alike. We are Catholics and Daniel noted that I was always committing one sin or another. He said that my mother must've made a mistake and so the name Sinner stuck. I have a story I want to tell you.

I remember it all very clearly. It all began the night before my eighteenth birthday.

The haunted strains of Mary J. Blige's I'm Going Down played in the background as I pulled open the closet doors in my lavender bedroom. I had a hot date later that night with Daniel. Daniel and I have been together since forever.

Once I finally decided on what to wear, I began to get ready. I gathered up my robe and towel and headed to the bathroom. I was already very excited about my date and couldn't stop thinking about what Daniel and I were going to do. Once in the bathroom, I hung my towel on the rack, turned on the shower full blast and then switched on the radio as loud as it would go. No More Drama, another Mary J. classic was playing. She is one of my favorite singers. I sang along with that soon as well as I stepped into the shower and closed the glass door.

I soaped up and gently washed my genital area with the soapy washcloth, images of Daniel flashed in my mind, arousing me. So, I rubbed faster as I felt the climax coming. I stopped long enough to wash the soap off the towel and wring the excess water from it.

Standing under the shower-head I played with myself some more, focusing on rubbing my clitoris with the washcloth. This was something new to me and it felt good. I thought of Daniel and what it would be like when we finally made love.

We had been planning this night for a really long time and I couldn't wait. I was too excited to wait until I saw him. I really wanted to be with him intimately. The washcloth was now making me raw. I was so close to going out of my mind with the desire to explode

Looking up to the ceiling in frustration, my eyes rested on the shower-head. I decided to experiment and adjusted the shower head to just the right angle, then turned the pressure all the way to high, directing the rushing water on the most sensitive spot on my clitoris. I squatted and held the pulsating water as it rushed from the shower-head to the area between my legs, the warm water continuously hitting just the right spot on my clit, bringing me closer to reaching the top of the mountain.

A familiar tingle crept up my spine. My stomach knotted up as I closed my eyes and leaned weakly against the wall, shaking with the eruption of an explosive orgasm. I breathed faster and faster and held the shower-head until the pleasure became unbearable.

Limp, I slid against the wall collapsed in a heap. I kept my eyes closed while I rested my head against the wall and tried to catch my breath.

Suddenly, I heard a sound coming from behind the shower door. I opened my eyes and saw it was open. Daddy was standing there! My eyes locked with his and I could see his excitement.

He must be drunk.

In a moment of panic, I grabbed my towel and screamed at him.

What are you doing? Why are you here? How long have you been standing there?

He didn't respond. He simply licked his lips, pulled down his zipper and started to rub himself into a pulsating frenzy.

Paralyzed, I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible but, the bathroom was so small, I thought there was no way I could get away from him, but I tried anyway and jumped out of the tub.

He seemed to growl and grabbed a handful of my hair pulling me out of the tub. He swung me against the wall. Then he pushed me down to my knees. I could smell the alcohol that emanated from him the whole time. He was shit faced drunk. I was fully aware that he would probably not remember this episode in the morning.

Roughly, he pulled my face to his groin. I looked upon his angry penis spitting at me while he attempted to stick it in my mouth.

You're going to make me your king!

Huh?

I started crying when he began hitting me about the face. I kept my mouth tightly shut until he slapped me so hard on the ear that I heard a loud ringing. I couldn’t help screaming. He saw his opportunity and forced himself into my open mouth. He trusted himself in and out of my mouth, in and out and I wanted to die.

Gagging reflex gave me a sole and desperate opportunity and when I did, he stopped and pulled out. I bit down as hard as I could, but he was too fast and I missed, nipping him on the hand. This really upset him! His face tensed. I thought he would blow a vein or something when he started screaming at me.

You're just like your mother! A bitch! A whore! That's what you are!

He started shaking violently and fell to the ground with some sort of seizure.

Is he having an epileptic attack? He has epilepsy?

I didn't know what to do. He convulsed violently. I spotted blood and realized he hit his head as he fell. I got up, ran out of the bathroom and went straight to my bedroom, locking the door behind me.

My mind must've snapped.

It was as if another personality took over me. It was me in that room, but not really me and this new me wasn't going to let anything stand in the way of my date with Daniel. We had planned the perfect night together to prove our love to each other: a movie at the soon to be demolished drive-in and a night at a motel.

Before I go any further, you will need a little background so you have an understanding of why I did what I did.

CHAPTER 2

Daniel and I met in the kindergarten class at our school on Arthur Avenue in the area known as Little Italy in the Bronx. As a young boy, he was sometimes mischievous, but sometimes he was quiet and seemed shy. He had big brown eyes and a head full of dark curly hair. He was also chunky and short, but today he stands well over six feet tall. His hair is now tamed and reddish, like his mom's. He wears it in a low Cesar cut that makes his face, especially his green eyes, pop underneath his bushy eyebrows. The only hair on his face is a devil's patch and a thin mustache. Although now thin, he is built muscularly with strong arms and legs. He wanted to be a professional basketball player and promised me he would marry me when he made the big time.

I knew even at that young age I would marry him someday. As children, we played tag together constantly, and we didn't usually let anyone else play with us. At times, we would even play fight together after finding one another during our games of hide-and-seek. He'd pull my hair and I'd punch him in the arm. When the other kids picked on me, he stood up to them in my defense.

Not that I needed him to. I wasn't helpless at all. I had lots of attitude. Still do.

Sometimes, some older, bigger boys in our school would try to bully him; take his toys or his lunch from him, and often they succeeded. So, I stood up for him when he didn't stand up for himself, invariably ending up with a black eye or some other bruise for my efforts. We were scrappy kids and we were a team. There was no separating us. He was my ace boon coon, and I was his. We each knew who to count on. Each other; we could always depend on one another. And all through elementary school, this was the way it was. I knew it would remain the same the rest of our lives.

During Junior High School, we stayed in the neighborhood, even though we were both considered gifted students. The school for gifted students was in Manhattan and neither one of us could afford the carfare. Free student passes weren't being offered, so we didn't go to that school. Together, we'd walk to our school in the Bronx, and on the way, we would often play knock the junkie down. It was a game we made up. Ever notice how junkies who nodded out on their feet never fell down? It was our version of the tipping the cows game. But Junior High was rough for me because we weren't as tight as we were in elementary school. He wanted to hang out with the boys more; not with me so much. I don't know why. Maybe it was because of his basketball. Maybe it was the seemingly overnight changes in our bodies. The summer between sixth and seventh grade, I noticed that my body began to change. I sprouted hair in places I did not think was possible. My breasts hurt all the time and my blouses began to fit tighter across the front. Sometimes I'd get bad stomach cramps.

I noticed blood in my underpants when I went to the bathroom during our annual Memorial Day weekend barbecue. I was only thirteen and I thought I had somehow cut myself and couldn't figure out how I had done that. I was scared and didn't tell a soul. As the day wore on, the ache in my stomach got worse and my underpants felt wet again. The second time I saw blood in my underpants that day, I just took them off and I threw them away. I thought I was slowly bleeding to death.

The following day, when my father pulled the plastic garbage bag out of the can to bring it out on the street, it ripped, and he started yelling for me to go down to the kitchen. He screamed so loudly, I could tell by his tone I was in deep trouble. I swear the walls shook!

Omigod!! What did I do now?

My father, Walter Reems is a closet alcoholic. He and I live alone in what is probably the oldest house on the block. It is paid off and real estate taxes are low. That's a good thing, because as a paralegal for a small law firm, he really doesn't make a lot of money, but he keeps it real nice. As long as I could remember, it was always just him, and me you know.

My mother left long ago. Who knows where my mom -- if you could call her that -- was now. I had heard that she wandered off in the middle of the night and went off to California to rendezvous with her lover. Apparently, she once told my father that she was going to follow her dream and be a famous star. She never became a star, and she never met up with her lover. But, she was famous indeed or rather – infamous – for bringing down the governor of California in a sex scandal. She ended up working as a high-class call girl. The governor had one of his aides hire her for him after an event for the night. He was caught on tape wearing women's underwear, including a frilly bra, while on all fours with my mother leading him on a leash in a hotel room in San Diego. An opponent set him up by paying an aide to give him the governor's itinerary. Yeah, she's famous all right. Infamous was more like it!

Her leaving made him bitter and angry, and he never married again. He never even went out on dates. He's ok looking, I guess. I mean, he's my dad! Eww!! He's a small man: about five foot five and thin as a reed. He wears glasses and shaves his head bald. I think he could pass for a bald Woody Allen if it weren't for his dark skin with those big ole, black old-fashioned glasses.

When I reached the kitchen, he was cleaning up the garbage that was strewn all over the floor.

Oh shit!

I looked down on the mess, and there in all their glory, in the middle if the kitchen floor, were my bloody panties! I slowly looked from the floor up at my father and though I wanted to turn and run away, I couldn't because I was somehow glued to the spot where I stood.

Yes?

What is that? he asked as he pointed at my bloodstained underwear.

I dunno.

What happened?

I dunno, I repeated.

Sinner, those ARE your underpants, aren't they?

Hmm mm.

So, how is it that you don't know? How long have you been bleeding?

I didn't respond.

Was this the first time you saw blood in your underwear?

Again, I gave no verbal response. I could only shake my head from side to side and I swear I saw tears in his eyes.

You're growing up so fast! But it's ok. That's life, right? One day you're holding a small, defenseless baby in your arms, and the next thing you know your baby is all grown up. I'm not mad at you. I'm going to ask Daniel's mom to come over and talk with you. You should speak with a woman about this. This is not something for me and you to discuss.

Hmm mm. Um, can I go now?

There was no other way I could respond. My brain had stopped working.

Yea, you can go. I'll clean this up. Don't worry.

Once I was excused, I turned on my heels and ran up the steps to my room. As soon as the door was closed behind me, I turned on my radio really, really loud and dropped face first onto my bed. I must've dozed off, because about an hour later, Daniel's mom was ringing the doorbell.

Ms. Anne is beautiful! I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. She's tall and thin, and she always wears red lipstick and red nail polish. As a little girl, I thought she was a famous reporter. She reminded me of Brenda Starr because of her long red hair. She had eyes that were as green as emeralds. I ran downstairs to greet her, but stopped when my father opened the door to admire her from the top of the stairs. I saw my father kiss her on the cheek in greeting.

Hello, Walter, she said cheerfully as she came in, carrying a small shopping bag.

My dad took the bag from her and led her into the living room and as he did, he greeted her without emotion. I guess the kiss was rote.

Hi Ms. Anne! I said as I bounded into the living room.

I headed toward the aged brown leather sofa where sat looking just like a princess.

Hi Sinner! she replied.

She seemed happy to see me as she rose to give me a hug.

Why don't you girls get comfortable while I go and get you something to drink? my father said and headed toward the kitchen.

Ok, Ms. Anne and I responded simultaneously before falling onto one another in a fit of giggles. When we were done giggling, we talked about school and comic books and plans for the summer. My father returned with lemonade a short while later, set it on the coffee table then left after mumbling something about the weeds in the garden. Ms. Anne turned to me and held my hand in hers.

How are you feeling?

I'm ok.

You're such a beautiful young lady, Sinner. If I had a daughter, I'd like her to be just like you. You know why I'm here, don't you? Your father told me what's happened.

I hid my face in my hands when she said that and all I wanted at that point was to find a hole to crawl into. I was so embarrassed.

It's ok, Sinner. It's ok. You are well on your way to womanhood young lady. It's not anything to be embarrassed about. In fact, you should be proud! This happens to every woman in the world. It's biology, it's a natural thing. You have begun menstruating. You will see this happening every month, so you better get used to it.

Every month! I cried.

How long?

Ms. Anne laughed that hearty laugh of hers.

This happens every month for at least forty years.

This was shocking news to me.

"Sinner, its time you learned some important things. There are many names for this: Rosie, Little Red Riding Hood, Periods, Friend and the Curse!

Omigod! The Curse? Why is it called 'The Curse'??

It's called 'The Curse' because it's such a nuisance, she said with a laugh.

Your body is preparing itself so that a baby could grow inside of you.

Images of painful childbearing flooded my mind, and as she continued to speak, my eyes watered.

Are you kidding me? Why couldn't she just come out and say it? I was going to bleed to death because I'm not planning on having no babies!

I sobbed and Ms. Anne moved closer to me, so she could put her arms around me. She tried to comfort me. All I could say between sobs was that I didn't want to have a baby.

Oh Sinner! You misunderstood. Having your period is a good thing, but it doesn't mean you have to have a baby right now. Rather, it means you are healthy. Life is just beginning for you.

She reached for her little shopping bag.

You just need tips on how to deal with this new part of your life.

She pulled out maxi pads, tampons, panty liners and personal wipes from within the bag she had brought and explained the uses for each of these items

"Your body will continue to change. In time, you'll see more hair on your body, your underarms and in private area. Your breasts will fill out and your hips will widen.

But don't worry. I will help you through all your changes and answer any questions. I love you and I can't wait to see the woman you're going to become.

We hugged for a long time before she had to go.

Now Sinner, don't forget you have my phone number. Don't be afraid to use it, and don't hesitate to call me anytime you have any questions or if you need anything at all, ok?

Ok. Thank you.

She kissed me on the forehead and left.

After I put away the lemonade and the glasses we used, I stripped off my clothes and inspected myself in the mirror.

Let's see about these changes.

Nothing. There was no change. I looked exactly the same as I had all day. In fact, I hadn't changed much all year. Disappointed, I dressed again and went out to the back yard to read in the sunlight.

When school let out a month later for summer vacation, I was psyched, happy I was going to be able to sleep late every day for two whole months.

Most days that summer, I would get all my chores done early so that I could hang out at Ms. Anne's pool, watch TV or read. My only downside was that lately, Daniel didn't seem to want to be bothered with me. His friends were always around and all they ever wanted to do was play basketball. That meant he had no time for me.

I have to stay on my game, he explained.

I have to get good at it. Who knows? Maybe a scout will see me and help me make the big time.

Yea, right, cause a basketball scout was just going to be casually riding around in the Bronx, looking for star basketball players. Whatever!

I, on the other hand, spent a lot of time with Ms. Anne cooking and doing girl stuff because I didn't like any of the girls in the neighborhood. They were mean to me; always teasing me and calling me