Welcome to Sex

WHAT IS SEX?

Sex is doing anything with your body that feels sexy. It can be ‘solo sex’ (more on p. 52

) (known as masturbation). It can be touching another person’s body with your hands or other parts of your body, rubbing genitals together, or kissing or touching breasts, nipples or parts of the body that turn you both on. Doing sexy stuff on the phone or online with another person is also sex. Sex might involve being totally naked, or partly or even fully clothed.

For many people, emotions are part of the definition of sex. Each person’s definition of sex can change, depending on circumstances and timing. The most useful definition of sex is ‘what sex means to you’.

Defining sex is beautifully complicated. Sex is anything as long as the people taking part in it think it is sex. It excludes violence, and it includes pleasure. Professor Alan McKee

We get that sex has different meanings in different cultures. You’d be excused for thinking ‘penis-in-vagina sex’ is the only ‘real sex’ there is – if you were basing it on movies, sex ed classes and religious teaching. Or for thinking that it’s the only sex that matters. But it’s not. Sex is SO much more diverse, fun and interesting! There’s plenty of room in the world for us to value and respect all types of sex. And it’s totally OK to be curious about all of it!

BTW: THESE DEFINITIONS OF 'SEX' ARE ABOUT DOING SEXY STUFF WITH OUR BODIES. THERE'S ANOTHER DEFINITION OF SEX THAT'S TO DO WITH PHYSICAL PARTS OF OUR BODIES, LIKE GENITALS, CHROMOSOMES AND HORMONES. THESE ARE ALSO CALLED SEX CHARACTERISTICS AND CAN LOOK A BIT DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE, INCLUDING FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERSEX VARIATIONS (SEE PAGE 79

).

The sexy ‘feeling’ can be thrilling, edgy, new, hot or tingly. It can feel a bit private. Often the sexy feelings can be all through your body but loop back to your genitals, even if those parts aren’t involved in the action.

What does sex mean to you?

We asked young people, parents and experts the question ‘what is sex?’ and we got heaps of different answers:

When I was 16 I’d learned ‘what sex is’ from movies and school. It was ALL about ‘a man entering a woman’. I know sex is so much more than this now. For example, same-sex couples have sex! One really dangerous thing about this narrow-minded approach is a person may not know what something like sexual assault is. Meghan, 21

We keep hearing messages that tell us ‘this is the next thing you’re supposed to do’ [with sex]. But it would be good to acknowledge that sex doesn’t have to happen in this order. You can skip things, stop anywhere. Dr Jacqui Hendriks, sexologist

A SEXOLOGIST IS SOMEONE WHO STUDIES RELATIONSHIPS AND SEX.

Sex is any kind of sexual act, including masturbation, that you do with your body. Casper, 20

Sex is a type of physical interaction between at least two people that is consensual. It’s also a really good sort of stress relief that can be very healthy. Lisa, 23

Sex is any sexual activity including, but not limited to, penetrative sex and can also include non-physical activity like online sex. Holly, 24

I know sex is different for different people. But for me, I do think sex feels different when there’s an (emotional) attachment. Christian, father of two teens

For me, sex is intimacy. For other people, intimacy might not be a factor. It means different things to different people. For some of my friends, video sex is their main form of intimacy. I didn’t know what that would be like for me; I decided against it. Dominique, 17

Sex is something that feels mature when you’re a teen. It can be scary, and it can be very enjoyable and intimate. It depends on who it’s with; if it’s the ‘wrong’ person it can hurt your body and your mind. Grace, 18

What is sexual pleasure?

Sexual pleasure is a way to describe physical sensations that are satisfying, enjoyable or thrilling, and positive emotions you feel from doing something sexual. So what makes it different from regular pleasure? It’s all about the circumstances. A kiss on the cheek from your mum or a friend can feel nice, and it’s a lovely way to connect. But it’s very different when the kiss comes from someone you’ve got the hots for. Especially if you’ve been making meaningful eye contact all afternoon, they smell good, and you’re starting to suspect they may like you back! When THEY lean over and kiss you on the cheek, you die of happiness and your body tingles all over.

I now think of sex as a way to connect with someone that’s pleasurable. People can do it for different reasons. Fatema, 25

Our bodies and brains are wired before birth to prepare us for sexual pleasure. You might have noticed that little kids play with their genitals (or ‘private parts’) because it feels good. (You might have once been that little kid!) When we go through puberty, things turn up a few notches.

You are the captain of your pleasure

The thing about pleasure is that no-one else can tell you whether you did or didn’t experience it. They may detect evidence, like sighs of happiness or snorts of laughter, but you are the sole owner of your feelings. Only YOU know if something is right or wrong for you, and what you felt.

This means that your own feelings are the best guide for what is ‘good’ for you sexually – and what is not. Checking in with your feelings to ask yourself:

These feelings are crucial in having fulfilling and fair sex.

Why does pleasure matter?

Pleasure is something we all deserve and enjoy. Yay to feeling good! Most of us experience pleasure in all kinds of everyday situations – whether it’s scratching an itchy leg, eating our favourite food, hanging out with mates or having a tidy room.

SEXUAL PLEASURE MATTERS BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS PEOPLE HAVE SEX. FEELING GOOD IS WHAT GETS PEOPLE DOING THIS STUFF. AND SEXUAL PLEASURE CAN BE ONE OF THE BIG PAYOFFS FOR MAKING IT SAFELY TO ADULTHOOD!

(more on p. 22

)

But talking about sexual pleasure can be a bit taboo. That’s because lots of older people find it scary to think of young people (particularly young GIRLS) caring about getting pleasure, and being the bosses of getting pleasure. It’s scary because it goes against what they were taught.

But the thing is, times have changed. Taboos around talking about sex are shrinking. And even the most uptight oldies are starting to understand that the best way for L-platers to navigate safe and respectful sex is for them to know exactly what turns them on and makes them feel good.

In sex there’s no right or wrong way to do that – there’s just what you like, what you’re willing to try or experiment with, and what you don’t like. Pleasure can be an excellent guide: ‘Is this pleasurable?’ ‘Am I experiencing pleasure right now?’ ‘What about the other person?’ ‘Are we both getting pleasure from this experience?’ That can help set the boundaries for what you will and won’t do sexually.

It can be your starting point: ‘Does this feel good for me?’

And if another person is involved:

How can I tell if it feels good?

Good question!

When experiences are new or really exciting, it’s hard to know what the heck is going on with our feelings. We can be overwhelmed with joy and fear – not to mention loveheart-eyes and horniness! It can be A LOT. Trying to disentangle everything that’s going on in our racing hearts and screaming minds is a big ask.

Some things are obvious. If a person kisses you and you don’t like them? Your body might react with nausea. But what about someone you kinda don’t like, who caresses your thigh in a way that feels good? What then?

When emotions are heightened, we like to do a mental pat-down.

I imagine I am patting myself down, checking my pockets for something. And I have lots of pockets! Jacket pockets, breast pockets. Side pockets. Hip pockets. Bum pockets. Down the legs. Back up again. I’m not looking for keys or a phone. I’m taking a moment to check in with my emotions. I am asking my body for feedback. Yumi

If you don’t know the answer, then maybe you need to take a breather. Or maybe you need to stop.

In this situation, it is totally OK to say, ‘I don’t know what’s going on, but I need a minute.’

If someone else is with you, you can ask them: ‘Are you OK? Are you feeling good?’

Ask yourself: ‘Is there anything I can do here to feel – or make the other person feel – safer, more at ease, happier?’

TIMES WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED TO DO A MENTAL PAT-DOWN

When you’re panicking.

When it’s something new.

When you feel like there’s a roaring in your ears.

When you can’t tell if it’s fear or excitement.

When you’re breathless or hot.

When you don’t know if you can stop, but you think you should.

When you’re experiencing pain or discomfort.

Anytime you feel stressed.

Why do people have sex?

Here are some reasons why people have consensual sex*:

Curiosity

It’s fun and pleasurable

To share something intimate

It’s romantic

They’re in love

They’re horny

They’re super attracted to each other

To get pregnant

It’s exciting

To bond

Stress relief

To help get to sleep

Relaxation

Exercise

Trying something new or experimenting

*Consensual sex means two (or more) people mutually deciding to have sex because they want to, and nobody feels forced or coerced by the other. (more on p. 141

)

Other reasons

People have sex for crappy reasons, too. Sometimes they’re motivated by insecurity. The logic goes, ‘If I have sex with another person, maybe it will make them like me – or maybe I’ll feel better about myself.’ But it can do the opposite, and it doesn’t fix insecurity. Reasons can get nasty too, like wanting to hurt your ex by having sex with another person. When we choose to have sex for these negative reasons, it can make sex much less enjoyable or, worse still, leave one or all people involved feeling bad, used or disrespected.

Teens we spoke to talked about feeling pressure to be ‘grown-up’ or ‘cool’ by having sex when it’s not really what they wanted. It got especially complicated for young women, who can feel like they’re walking a tightrope. They’re trying to avoid being shamed for not being experienced without being shamed for having ‘too much’ experience.

I’m not too set [about when a person decides they want to have sex]. I’ve chosen to wait, not because I see sex as a threat or a problem, but because I want to know a fair bit about something before I jump into it. Jane, 22

[At school,] it was completely different for guys. Boys who slept around were OK. There was a lot of peer pressure to have sex; girls had to have had sex but not have had too many partners. Natalie, 28

A lot of the time, the social pressure to have sex focuses on heterosexual, penis-in-vagina sex. This means LGBTQIA+ teens end up feeling excluded or distressed. They might feel pressure to have sex with a person they’re not attracted to, and also to pretend to be someone they’re not.

At age 16 I had my first girlfriend, a Lebanese Catholic girl. She did not want to have sex until she was married, which suited me as I didn’t want to have sex with her. I would go home and cry and pray that God would make me feel attracted to women. Bee, from the podcast One Foot In

Early high school, between Year Seven and Eight, I wanted to put myself on the map and make sure people knew who I was into and give myself the opportunity to have sexual experiences with people of the same gender. Cara, 19

I think that in a young person’s world it can start to be a sort of rat race, a rite of passage to experience sex, sort of this pressure, not only from peers now but also all the social media, TikTok. All of these outside things where you know you’re not cool if you haven’t [had sex]. Lisa, 23

It can be hard to figure out what YOU want to do when there’s all this pressure around. But part of being an adult is learning to tune in to the voice inside of you to figure out what will make YOU happy. And this book is here to help with that.

I didn’t get into a relationship during high school and I think it’s important to emphasise that it’s OK to delay if you think you’re not ready. There might be a lot of pressure to get into a relationship. If your friends are getting into one, it doesn’t mean that you have to, and you don’t have to do it just because it might be the ‘cool’ thing to do. Fatema, 25

If sex is so great… why is it so hard to talk about?!

There were actually times in ancient history when it WASN’T hard to talk about sex! Nowadays, talking or even thinking about talking about sex can bring up uncomfortable feelings for some people, such as shame, fear, awkwardness or embarrassment. We inherit strong beliefs about sex from our family, culture, religion and society.

Many people believe sex is private or sacred, and it’s offensive or crass to discuss it openly. Adults might worry that if kids hear about sex, they will no longer be ‘innocent’. Because of these taboos, people struggle to admit that sex is pleasurable and natural. Maybe for some adults it hasn’t been so pleasurable.

It’s understandable that these concerns would make adults feel protective of children and teens. But we’re guessing that you are naturally curious about sex.

LEARNING ABOUT SEX WILL NOT MAKE YOU GO AND LOOK FOR SEX IF YOU'RE NOT READY.

Some deeply held and uncool ideas about sex are applied differently to women, and to disabled people, or those who are not cisgender and heterosexual. Teens who identify as LGBTQIA+ or who are simply figuring out their sexuality can feel very excluded or outright discriminated against. NONE OF THIS IS OK!

It’s time to break down the myths