Father's Handbook for Raising Children

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Copyright © 2023 Henry Petersohn, Ph.D

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Father’s Handbook for

Raising Children

 by

Henry Petersohn, Ph.D

Chapter 1

Baby

 1  

WHERE BABY ARRIVES

a. You and your wife may have your baby at a birthing center, a medical clinic, a hospital, at home, and sometimes, on the way to the hospital. Of course, the big concern is that everything will be clean and warm and ready for a new baby. That also means that wherever you have a baby you have experienced people to help. Having a baby may take place with almost no pain and occur in a few minutes. Many births take several hours and can be painful. At the worst, your wife may scream in pain and say terrible things about you and say she is sorry she ever thought of having a baby. She may want you with her as she gives birth or want you out of the room and keep changing her mind about it.  [I]

b. In a hospital, the delivery room staff wants to be sure that you retrieve your baby from their nursery, so they typically get a footprint and put a small plastic ID bracelet on the baby just moments after birth. In some hospitals, the baby is almost always in a nursery, in some, the baby gets moved frequently between a nursery and the mother, and in others, the baby stays with the mother almost all the time. If you are in a hospital, they have all kinds of special equipment to take care of likely common problems during the delivery and afterward. Many new babies have some jaundice. This often goes away by itself but may be treated with increased feedings and with some limited blue light therapy.  [II]

c. Having your baby at home is quite common in some smaller towns, especially if there is a midwife available to help. It is also more likely when there are no convenient birthing centers or nearby medical facilities. You may also feel more comfortable about going to a hospital or birth center because they have the trained staff and equipment your wife might need and because of the experiences of family and close friends. Having your baby in a hospital setting is especially good if your doctor or midwife has any concerns with the pregnancy. In such cases, the doctor has a trained staff immediately available as well as a sterile operating room. If needed, the physician and staff can perform a cesarean delivery (a C-section) to prevent a possible problem for either the mother or the child.

2

BABIES ARRIVE ON THEIR OWN SCHEDULE

a. Babies arrive about 9 months after conception. Your baby can arrive a few weeks early or late for many mostly non-threatening reasons. Typically, a woman finds out she is ready to give birth when she experiences some unusual pains - internal contractions, internal movements or starts to drip or discharge fluid. If she has any feeling that birth is near, make plans for delivery right away. This may mean a trip to the birthing center or hospital. If this turns out to be a ‘false alarm’, relax because this practice run will make the real trip much easier for your wife and for you as a father-to-be. As a new father-to-be you may have heard about others who had this experience, but it is quite different when you are the one WHO has to drive quickly and smoothly while contending with traffic lights, crowded intersections, and other drivers.  [III]

b.  Ready to deliver? Signs like contractions may occur a few weeks in advance of the birth, while others, like discharging the mucous plug or water breaking, occur only a few hours or less before delivery. Your doctor or midwife will typically provide a checklist of when to call them. Items on the checklist will include having contractions a few minutes apart or twenty-four hours after the water has broken. When the call comes, the midwife or doctor will advise your wife to come to the hospital/birthing center or stay home until contractions become more frequent.  [IV]   Once a woman arrives in the birth setting, the midwife/doctor will see her and usually begins by checking her cervix to see how far it is dilated on a scale of 1 to 10.

c. In the case of birth at home, or any other situation where you have your baby outside of the hospital, you may want to double-check the new baby’s health by taking the baby to a pediatrician less than twenty-four hours after birth, and of course, if there are any complications for the baby after birth, take the baby to a children’s hospital immediately.

3

WHEN BABY ARRIVES

a. In the end, when your wife first holds that little one in her arms, she is probably extremely happy.  She often starts by counting all the baby’s fingers and toes. Then the first moment she breastfeeds the little one she may worry if she has sufficient supply for him and will want to keep a few bottles in the refrigerator. Often, a father will help by holding the baby and giving the little one a bottle. Feeding your baby may take more than a few minutes so pick out a comfortable chair to sit in and put a clean diaper or cloth over your chest for your baby to rest on. Then just pick up and hold your baby carefully against your chest. Your baby is just gradually learning to control his head and face muscles so gently put the bottle’s nipple between your baby’s lips. Success! Having a baby can be very tiring so your wife will be happy to get a few minutes to sleep. Babies like to be held and like to eat, so your baby will be happy if you hold him. Sit back and enjoy this experience.

b. Women often see their little one as resembling you, her, and perhaps the grandparents. Suddenly, all the other activities in her life are just ignored as she cuddles the little one. This baby is truly a miracle, and she did it. It’s an amazing feat and a blessing. After all, babies are complete functioning human beings from the time they are born, and they grow up from perhaps 6 - 12 pounds to a full-sized adult.

c. A baby really is a miracle. Many folks do not realize how complicated a baby is. Your baby has a set of genes, of which each parent has provided half of the parts of each gene set. Scientists estimate that each baby has about 20,000 to 25,000 sets of genes, with an estimated total number of 60,000-100,000 genes. Genes give your baby his/her specific traits. Each gene is much more complicated than an architect’s plan for a house or a skyscraper. Each gene works like an instruction manual to set up and run the body, and all of these ‘instruction’ manuals work together. Genes set up the design and construction process for all parts of the body, including fitting the parts in the right places and making body parts grow bigger as the child grows.  [V]

d. Each baby is also born with a separate set of friendly bacteria that numbers in the trillions, largely found within its guts. As your baby grows, amazing things keep happening. The baby’s nice soft skin grows from the inside to accommodate his increasing size. This is an incredible design, and you and your wife can personally share watching this miracle unfold. Of course, every baby is unique and grows at his own speed, so don’t get upset if your baby does not eat, sleep, talk or crawl on the same time schedule as another baby or as a sibling.

e. Your infant has just arrived into this new world equipped with a brand-new body and is now in charge, but has no idea what to do next. She is in a strange new place and she has got to learn how to use this body.

f. She does not know how to speak, does not understand what anyone is saying, and does not recognize her surroundings. At the same time, she is struggling to get fed and is trying to get control of her arms and legs. Fortunately, nature builds a few basic instructions into her brain before dumping her into the world. The first basic built-in instructions deal with breathing, sucking to get food, urinating, and having bowel movements. The very next instructions call up the various genes that guide a very complicated growing process. Curiosity and learning about this new world, and the excitement of finding out about it, is a part of your child’s growing process.

g. Take notes and pictures. Grandparents, and especially grandmothers, will be interested in every happening and happy to be in the know about your little one. One delightful thing babies do early on, is reaching out and grabbing your finger in their hand. Be sure to get that on your camera and start your own photo album. Snapshots and videos of them on a smartphone or camera will turn out to be priceless treasures as they grow older, so start doing it now. If you want to send words and pictures to your family consider using security techniques such as encryption so your private life does not get hacked. Unfortunately, there are hackers and information thieves who will steal such information to get into your credit card accounts, bank checking and saving accounts, plus your business and job records

h. You may not have thought about it, but you as a father have just taken a few steps into a great – and lifelong adventure. This adorable little one wants your attention and will need your in-person help and guidance for a long time. If you pay close attention, this little miracle will become a lifetime pleasure. Of course, you will have to learn about techniques and approaches to use so you can keep her out of holes in the road, fence off dangerous side paths and help her find her own way into a lovely future. Every adventure has its pleasures and its hidden hardships. Sometimes there will be treacherous ailments and conditions your child has that you have to deal with. Many of your child’s early and later successes will reflect your love and support. Buckle up – this adventure will require you to develop skills and endurance that will rival drivers in the famous French Le Mans race.

4

PLAYTIME IS SERIOUS BUSINESS

a.  As an adult, imagine how you would cope if you were suddenly dumped in a strange new place where you didn’t know how anything worked. Every baby is curious about this new world he (she) is living in and is happy to be held, hear sounds and see what’s around him. Finding about his new world is exciting. Although he does not realize it, he is growing physically and his mind is starting to recognize his surroundings and the activity around him. He discovers that this new world has some especially nice things happening especially when he is being gently held and fed. He starts to notice curious markings around him that don’t make sense. Soon he will notice his surroundings have things to touch and lights that blink. This is all new to him. His doctor can explain what is happening to your baby. Let the doctor know anytime you have questions or concerns about your baby’s growth and development. Make a point of chatting with your wife about each day’s delightful happenings and updates from the doctor.

b. Colorful stacking or nesting cups or blocks are good items for your baby to start playing with. Just make sure that these items do not have any cracked or chipped edges that he could pull off or bit off. Grabbing for these toys is part of his exploring the world. In playing, he learning to use his arms and hands to reach out and grab while also learning how far his little arms stretch.

c. Your little one quickly starts to crawl and as she does, she sees lots of interesting things, and of course, reaches out to touch and grab them. Now you face the problem of keeping her safe. Your little one will be attracted by knobs, buttons, dials, and lights, and will grab, pull, and push, and perhaps, turn everything in reach. She may also pull cords or drapes elsewhere in your house, e.g. in a playroom, the kitchen, a study, or a bedroom. Be sure to keep medicines such as pills off the top of night tables. Watch your child carefully – she is having a great time exploring and has all day to do this. She just wants to explore this new world and has no sense of fear or possible difficulties.

d. The problem for you as a parent is to keep him from breaking or destroying the knobs that turn and to keep him away from pulling open a low-level kitchen cabinet door. Those doors just invite him to trouble by opening up to cleaning fluids, soap, laundry tablets and powder, dishwasher tabs, liquid laundry pods, and bleach. One good approach is to secure these cabinet doors with a lock or tie that works. Shiny floor-level chrome knobs and buttons on a speaker or a computer are very attractive and will get a good share of his twisting, turning and pushing action.

5

YOUR BABY’S DOCTOR

a.  You may prefer a Family Doctor, a Pediatrician, a GP (General Practitioner), an Internist, or occasionally another specialist. Doctors often take a rigorousexamination - a Medical Board - to demonstrate they have special skills in a particular area of medicine such as pediatrics. Passing the Board is recognized by a Certificate often framed and hung on your doctor’s wall.

b. Parents chose a doctor in different ways. If your Obstetrician (OB) has a family, consider asking her who she uses for her family and why that doctor would be a good choice. A friendly nurse in your local hospital who has a family is often a good guide to local pediatricians. She has seen the doctors at work in the hospital and heard from fellow nurses about their medical know-how, how they gently handle children, and their office location and support staff.  A specific doctor may appeal to you because of her personality and how carefully she handles your child. Put your doctor’s phone numbers and address on your cell phone and the refrigerator door for quick reference for yourself, for visiting grandparents, and a babysitter. 

6

PUTTING BABY TO BED

a. The basic process is simple, but every baby is different. Yes, even if this is your second or third child, he may be very different from the other ones. It is great if your baby is already dozing, which often happens after feeding or a bath. If your baby is nodding off in your arms, you may just want to cuddle him for 15-20 minutes -this can be a very special pleasure for both of you and will generally let him fall into a deeper sleep and not wake him when you move him to a crib. You can tell that he is going into a deeper sleep when his fingers relax. Often, your wife may have some item to attend to so this is an opportunity for you to enjoy cuddling the little one.

b. When your baby is drowsy, it’s nap time. Drooping eyelids, eye rubbing, and fussiness might be signs that your infant is tired and ready for a nap. The longer a parent waits, the more likely the infant may become overtired and the harder it might be for him to fall asleep.

c. Avoid holding, rocking, or feeding your baby to get her to sleep. If you do this, it sets up a pattern where this might be the only way she can fall asleep. If your child tends to fall asleep after a feeding, do something gentle right afterward, such as changing her diaper or reading a short story.

d. Be safe. Place your infant to sleep on her back and clear the crib or bassinet of blankets and other soft items. Keep him warm by using a sleep gown or bag, a zip-up or a baby suit.  [VI]   This is the safest way to put infants to sleep so they can’t get suffocated with their blankets. As they get older, they will be able to turn over themselves. The first time they do this, you may feel surprised, but you don’t have to worry, just smile and check to see your baby is breathing comfortably.

e. Keep the crib bed free of supports or toys so if the baby rolls over, he/she doesn’t get stuck in that position by the toy. Stick with colorful toys hung well out of reach above the bed. If the bed has an open headboard, the baby could get trapped there. Take a quick look at slats in the crib sides. Current day cribs have slats designed so that a child cannot get his/her head caught. Crib bumper strips are actually not safe because a baby could get stuck next to one. Once the child gets older, she could use the bumper strip as a step to climb out of the crib.  [VII]

f. At the start, babies just do not know how to turn over by themselves. Sleeping on the back is the safest sleep position for the first year or so until the baby starts to roll over by himself. Babies are especially vulnerable to SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) during their first four months. The National Institute of Child Health (NICHD) at NIH say ‘SIDS is the sudden, unexplained death of an infant younger than 1 year old’. It is the leading cause of death in children between 1 month and 1 year of age.  Although there is no sure way to prevent SIDS, parents and caregivers can reduce the risk for SIDS by being sure that the baby sleeps on a firm mattress without a blanket or a toy.  [VIII]   [IX]

g. Should you limit the length of your child's naps? It depends on how well your child is sleeping at night. Some infants confuse their days and nights, sleeping more during the day than at night. One way to set your infant straight is to limit daytime naps - especially those in the late afternoon, to no more than three or four hours each. If your infant is napping for too long at the end of the day, it can make it harder for her to fall asleep at bedtime. Some infants and older children go through periods during which they refuse to nap even though they still need the rest. If this happens, try adjusting their bedtime.

7

SHARING THE BEDROOM  [X]

a. Sharing the bedroom means sleeping in the same room. Sharing may

mean just having a crib in the same room. Co-sleeping generally means that the child and one or both parents sleep in the same bed. There are three benefits to co-sleeping:

1) This is very convenient for a mother who nurses a baby - she doesn’t have to get out of bed for feedings. 

2) Babies sleep better because they don’t have to move around to get fed and are surrounded by the warmth of their mother.

3)  Parents who are away from their infant because of work can regain that closeness by sleeping together.

b. Co-sleeping in bed has some risks. These risks maybe much more serious than many of us think. Risks include:

  1) Sitting in a