Father Hunger

Father Hunger

Robert S. McGee

When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me.

Psalm 27:10 (NKJV)

Father Hunger

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Copyright © 2023 by Robert S. McGee

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ISBN: 979-8-88738-739-0

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Acknowledgments

A book like this one certainly requires more than a single author. So many people willingly sacrificed their time and emotional energy to make this manuscript much stronger than I could have done on my own. I am thankful for them all. I would especially like to thank:

All the people who volunteered to share stories about their fathers. Many such stories were painful to tell. I sincerely appreciate your willingness to be honest and vulnerable in the hope of helping others identify and eliminate potential problems.

Bill and Pat Elam and all the volunteers who agreed to repeated interrogation at ELEEO Ministries meetings in St. Charles, Illinois. You prove three times a week that ELEEO does indeed mean mercy in action. I would like to acknowledge you all by name but respect your anonymity. You know (as does God) who you are.

The people in our Rapha Treatment Centers who took on the added emotional burden of using their free time to answer even more questions about the pains of childhood.

The staff members of our hospitals who went out of their way to both accommodate our interviewers and protect their patients.

Michael Meyer, our community relations director, who helped get this project off the ground in the first place.

Pat Springle, Stuart Rothberg, and the rest of the Rapha staff in Houston. I depend on them more than I let them know.

Stan Campbell, who spent many hours interviewing people, researching information, and helping me to shape the contents of Father Hunger. He made a tremendous contribution to this book!

Finally, I would be remiss not to acknowledge the work of Jesus Christ in my life and those of so many of our counselees. In the kind of work I do, I am continually reminded of His promise: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). May we all become stronger as we better understand the hope Christ provides in spite of our weaknesses.

Introduction

Imagine for a moment that you’re at the airport, shortly before Christmas, waiting for a friend’s plane to arrive. You can’t help overhearing the conversation of two young women standing right behind you. One gushes to the other, My dad is just about the most wonderful man you could ever know! He was always there when I needed him. He encouraged me, came to nearly all my school functions, and took us on adventurous family vacations every year. Christmas and other family holidays were some of the best times of my life. I can’t wait until he gets here and we can spend more time with each other!

You can tell by this woman’s voice that she feels genuinely excited about her father’s visit. Her comments automatically set into motion memories of your own relationship with your father. How might hearing such comments make you feel?

Warm and fuzzy: "I wish I could give my dad a big hug."

Depressed: What I wouldn’t give to start over again.

Angry: Holiday shmaltz is so sickening!

Confused: Can this guy be for real?

Jealous: Why couldn’t I have gotten one like that?

Skeptical: Obviously this woman is lying!

Other: _

If you chose the warm and fuzzy response, this book is not for you (although you may find it helpful to learn how lots of other people might react). If you chose any of the other answers, Father Hunger should interest you.

Some readers may ask, Why another book about fathers? Doesn’t the world have enough books about parenting already?

I don’t think so. I believe most of the books on the market are for those who want to be the best fathers they can be or for those adult children who would have felt the warm fuzzies in the above situation. Personally, I could not respond that way. I’ve had my share of pain and suffering from the condition that has come to be labeled father hunger. And I know that the people who come to Rapha for counseling repeatedly list this problem as a source of significant pain in their lives. While I have seen an article here or there, I haven’t yet seen a book that deals with the topic in a thorough manner.

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t particularly eager to tackle this subject. I can think of several books I would have preferred to write before this one. (People with father hunger aren’t usually chatty about their pain.) But when Rapha was approached by Servant Publications to create a book on this topic, we all agreed that the time had come to deal with this sensitive and deeply important issue.

If you’re looking for a feel good book about father and child relationships, this isn’t it. If you and your father have had a little spat and are still holding a grudge against each other, find another resource to help you. This book is for (1) people who, as children, didn’t receive the quality and quantity of love they wanted and deserved from their fathers and (2) others who currently relate to such people. And since fathers are only human, I have found that these two categories include almost everyone.

If children fail to receive enough love from their fathers, they carry the painful effects for a long time to come—usually for the rest of their lives. Our natural tendency is to block out the painful past. But the wound is too severe. While the hurt may be suppressed for a time, it will eventually emerge, frequently in unexpected and undesired ways. As we form relationships with a spouse or offspring or anyone else, the unresolved pain from the past will cause emotional havoc in the present.

My first goal in this book is to help you recognize and release any pent-up pain that is based on an inadequate relationship with your father. Not only must you think about things you’ve been trying so long to forget, but you also face other long-buried memories and emotions that will be dredged up in the process. In most cases, this will not be a pleasant or an easy task. If it’s going to be painful, why do it? Because it can be even more painful (and emotionally devastating) to keep trudging on with your life, leaving such a deep wound to fester beneath the surface.

The second goal of this book, consequently, is to help the reader get past the pain and on the way to emotional health and freedom. If you identify the problem of father hunger in your own life, choosing to deal with it can be quite traumatic. Yet when you’re finally able to quit dodging the feelings that haunt you, to confront the issue head-on, and to move forward with your life, the sensation can be incredibly freeing.

I urge you to stay the course as you read through this book. Because the problem of father hunger is so massive, answers won’t come easily. They will come, but to find them you must first navigate some emotionally turbulent waters. To help you negotiate these rapids as smoothly as possible, I have chosen to divide this material into lots of shorter chapters. Each one deals with a specific aspect of father hunger so that you can chew on bite-sized chunks a little at a time. I have also included several questions for reflection at the end of each chapter, little snacks for thought.

The first section of this book (chapters one through four) provides an overview of the issue of father hunger. You will see why this has become such a major consideration for our society, as well as what it means on a personal level. The second section (chapters five through thirteen) delves into specific ways the problem can manifest itself. You will see the depth of pain and suffering that father hunger can cause when left unchallenged. And finally, the third section (chapters fourteen through twenty-five) provides insight into how victims or loved ones can address the problem of father hunger. This book is liberally peppered with first-person accounts from those who have identified the problem in their own lives and are trying to do something about it. These stories are all true, gleaned from willing volunteers in a number of places: our Rapha Treatment Centers, support groups, fellow family members, coworkers, and so forth. (Of course, the names of all those who shared their stories—and those of any relatives mentioned by name—have been changed to protect their anonymity.) It was not easy for these people to share their feelings and experiences, yet they did so in the hope of helping others. Most of them said that if they could spare even one other person some of the grief and pain they had carried, it would be worth it. May the hopes of our volunteers not be in vain.

Yes, some of the content in this book may stir up feelings of discomfort or unpleasantness. Yet for those who struggle with father hunger, so will any number of everyday stimuli—like seeing a father hug his child, watching a Hallmark card commercial on TV, or overhearing someone else’s happy memories. Hope and help exist for those who still carry the scars of a less-than-perfect relationship with their fathers. All of us at Rapha pray that every reader who struggles with father hunger will find the love, peace, and understanding that have thus far eluded them in life’s journey.

—Robert S. McGee

Founder and President of Rapha

February 1993

Part One: What Is Father Hunger?

One: Father Hunger Affects Us All

At age twenty-seven, Jane is, by all appearances, a very pleasant and professional young woman. Rather energetic and attractive, she smiles and jokes throughout her interview. Yet as the topic of discussion shifts to difficulties that might be grounded in her past, Jane becomes visibly nervous and uncomfortable. Her voice begins to crack as she tells her story:

"I didn’t have a father growing up, and it has become obvious to me how my life has been affected by not having him in the home. My mother and father were divorced; well, they separated when I was two and a half. At that time my father was in the service, and my mother said, ‘He’ll come back.’ But then they divorced and never told me. It was always like I was waiting around for something that was never going to happen.

"I was one of those statistical women who sought my father’s attention through my dating relationships. I got pregnant before my marriage. I was nineteen. But things have stabilized now. I’ve been married eight years. I have a home.

"Yet during this past year and a half, the big crazies have really started happening. I’ve been experiencing such an obsession to get attention and affirmation from a man. I feel that it’s greater than myself. It’s like sometimes I wonder, Where is this coming from? Why am I doing this? What are my motives?

"But I think I have a good idea where my obsession comes from. This past year was the first time I’d ever had a job with close proximity to a male boss. He did such a good job of relating to me, and it’s like I started to see what I had missed by not having a father. The force of my feelings just took me over the edge. I ended up in a hospital, diagnosed with depression. The final hitting bottom was having to quit my job. One time I had called my boss’s answering machine all weekend, wanting him to meet me places. A month or two later, I ran away from home one night when my grandparents were supposed to visit, hoping to see him.

"Then, just a couple of weeks ago, I started following him around again. This time my actions caused my boss to call the police and bring harassment charges and restraining orders against me. I’m a normal person! It’s simply unbelievable. I don’t know where these feelings come from!

You know, I was so small when my father left. I don’t think I got past any of those ‘normal’ stages that are supposed to take place between a daughter and a father. It’s all just come up recently. All this crazy stuff from my past has been resurfacing. It’s very, very painful to deal with.

If you saw Jane, you would probably agree that she is normal, even friendly and likable. Yet beneath the surface of many normal­looking people lie deep emotional struggles that keep cropping up in one way or another.

Andrew did grow up with a father, one who was violently abusive. As a result, this thirty-nine-year-old man is unable to remember much about his childhood. Andrew feels frustrated because of this lack of happy memories:

"It seems strange, but there are really few details I can remember of what I did as a child. I have little glimpses but not any complete stories of things we did as kids. I can remember that we moved when I was two and a half. We moved from one town to another; I can remember it very clearly. At about six, I can remember making a go-cart out of an apple crate, learning to ride a bike with my oldest brother running alongside, and jumping off the roof of the garage one time.

The next thing I can recall was when I was eleven or twelve. What happened to those fun years as a kid? Where are all the good times that I’m supposed to sit around with my family of origin and laugh about? Where are all the ‘remember when’ stories?

Another woman zeroes in on her experiences during adolescence. She was neither abandoned nor physically abused, yet continued conflict within the home took its inevitable toll. Although their reactions may not be as dramatic, a tremendous number of both men and women suffer from the lack of communication illustrated by this story.

"My mother and father weren’t getting along too well, and I became my father’s ‘emotional spouse’ in a sense. But one time, when I was fifteen, he said something that hurt me. I cried, and my mother jumped all over him. My dad cut me off at that point. He could never speak to me again. It got so bad that if my father saw me approaching him, he’d turn around and get out of the room. Whenever he saw me coming, he would turn his back and avoid me—or just leave.

I felt completely isolated and rejected. I spent the next two years humiliating myself—begging for affection, begging him to love me, begging him to admit that he had hurt me. But he couldn’t. And now I’m hungry for hugs from a man, for attention, for love, for strokes, for kind words. I’m just starving.

Still Hungry for a Father’s Love

These statements are just a small sampling of stories from people who are currently trying to work through a variety of problems in their lives—including depression, lack of self-esteem, and an inability to express genuine love toward a spouse. But in interviewing these people, one common element keeps coming up in almost every case: an unfulfilled desire, a gnawing deep in their spirits, a continual craving to experience love from their fathers. The longer this need goes unfulfilled, the more the person suffers.

Some of these people suffer in perpetual hopelessness. Some of their fathers died long ago or may now be elderly, weak, and unable to express genuine love. Some remain emotionally distant, not knowing any better ways to express love today than they did years ago. Still, other fathers continue to struggle with their own personal difficulties and just cannot understand why a grown child would still need to hear the words I love you. Many of these people have given up hope of ever feeling worthwhile because their fathers are simply incapable of expressing love in any meaningful way.

Whenever adults begin to talk honestly about their prior relationships with their families, this problem of unfulfilled needs almost always surfaces. This feeling of emptiness resulting from the lack of a father’s love has been described by others and myself as father hunger.

Sometimes I encounter people who are quickly alienated by the use of terms that they label as psychological buzzwords or even psychobabble. They become irritated when friends refer to codependency, dysfunction, addiction, and obscure clinical terms. Such phrases may very well be overused in certain circles, yet I suspect a more common source of this personal discomfort: some people don’t try very hard to understand the concepts defined by these words. It’s easy to criticize what one does not understand.

I don’t know how anyone can argue with the term father hunger as an apt name for this common longing. What better word than hunger can describe the sensation of wanting a father’s love? Indeed, the desire goes beyond mere want. It is truly a need. We don’t just want our fathers to love us; we need them to love us. This kind of emotional hunger acts in many ways, just like physical hunger. If we aren’t provided with what is best for us, we will soon begin to seek other less healthy substitutes. Since hunger is a drive that must be met, those who are starving try to cope with father hunger in various ways.

Some women who have never felt secure with a father’s love will quickly turn to other men in search of acceptance. They typically begin to identify Dad’s rejection or apathy at about the time they reach dating age. Many of them become promiscuous in their eagerness to receive love, first from one guy and then another.

On the other hand, some women think, I’ve been hurt by my father, but you can be sure no other man is ever going to hurt me. Consequently, these undernourished women tend to remain distant whenever someone tries to become friendly. Many turn to the feminist movement, where they find allies who share their reluctance to seek intimacy with men.

Men experience father hunger just as much as women—perhaps even more. And having been provided with such poor role models, they themselves often find it difficult to respond in loving ways. Until recently, society has traditionally discouraged men from being vulnerable and honestly expressing their emotions. They’ve been expected to remain strong and silent rather than to freely express pain, grief, or similar feelings. If males do show their feelings, their character may be called into question. Come on, I know it hurts, but take it like a man.

Today many of them are flocking to the men’s movement. They may dress in paint and feathers, beat drums, and affirm each other as they actively seek a deeper level of sensitivity previously denied them. Through these rather expensive sessions, men learn that it is okay to hug each other, cry, be honest with their children and spouses, and do many other things that haven’t always been perceived as manly.

For Christians, father hunger often creates even more serious problems. When the average person in the pew thinks in terms of a father who was unexpressive, absent, workaholic, alcoholic, or even abusive, what is he or she likely to think of God as a heavenly Father? How can someone even begin to approach God as a trustworthy father when the memories of father cause a vague uneasiness or even intense pain?

How can we ever know God in the way He intended if our own dads haven’t done an adequate job in fulfilling God’s role for fathers? And since fathers are only human, not one ever succeeds perfectly. Most fail to a significant degree. Some do a dismal job, while others may give up completely for a variety of reasons. The challenge is indeed impossible apart from the grace of God.

Why Two Parents?

But wait, I can hear some of you saying, with all the divorce in our society today, aren’t many people learning to grow up with a single parent—usually without a father? How big a problem can this ‘father hunger’ be if almost half of us are dealing with divorced parents?

Again, I would ask you to think of the concept of hunger. If we so chose, we could completely eliminate green vegetables from our diets and substitute milk chocolate instead. That melt-in-your­mouth sweetness would taste so good going down. And it wouldn’t kill us. But neither would such a diet provide the kind of nutrition our bodies need for optimum health and well-being.

Similarly, the love of a father provides emotional and spiritual nutrition. We can learn to do without it. We can substitute other things for it. But we will never feel as healthy as we should because we haven’t been provided with enough of an absolutely necessary ingredient for adequate growth.

Let’s consider this issue from another angle. Why do you think God created us with two parents? In His grand design for humankind, God created man and woman to love each other and fulfill each other’s needs. And with the command to be fruitful and multiply, He gave them the joint responsibility of populating the earth. A major element of their parental duties was to pass along God’s love to their growing children.

In providing laws to guide society, God took special care to address the parent’s responsibility to pass these laws on to the children. As He commanded the nation of Israel:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 6:4–9

Yet how many of today’s parents actually carry out this command? The demands of keeping bread on the table alone can be enough to consume their time and dampen their enthusiasm. God intends that we take his commands seriously and that we train our children to do the same.

In Old Testament society, it was the father’s role to see that his children knew of God’s love and protection. This fertile training ground took for granted that families would be close through the years.

Children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127:3–5 (KJV)

Jesus also emphasized the importance of parents—especially fathers—providing for their children. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:9–11).

On another occasion, the disciples asked Jesus who was the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. The Lord called a little child to come and stand among them. Then He instructed them:

Truly I tell you…unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Matthew 18:3–6 (BSB)

Today’s world offers countless examples of fathers who stand in direct contradiction to what God intended. Some of them do cause their children to sin—in any number of ways. Some of them do respond in a harmful way when their children innocently ask for something. You can hardly read a newspaper without coming across a story of a baby found in a garbage can, a child forced to live in a closet because of crying too much, or any number of other forms of horrible abuse. Too many of today’s fathers are habitually domineering, critical, demanding, cruel, violent, or sexually abusive. Some fathers just don’t seem to care one way or another about what happens to their children.

Probably, the majority of fathers fall into the middle ground: those who sincerely care about their children but feel unable to translate that care into genuine expressions of love that touch the heart and soul and spirit of a child. As these children approach adulthood, many have never seen appropriate parenting behavior.