Honesty Over Silence: It's OK Not To Be OK

‘This book does what it says on the tin: it honestly and openly explores the deepest issues of the human heart. It takes a good look around the lives we lead, the traumas we endure, the questions we all have and does not come up with a trite response, but instead embraces the complexity of this life and gently leads us through a journey of exploration. Using personal experience, anecdotes and a wide variety of sources and perspectives, Patrick brings us not to a set of answers, or a quick formula for a shallow solution. He simply presents God’s heart of love; God’s goodness in the face of bad; God’s strength in our weakness; God’s healing for our hurts.’

Arianna Walker, Chief Executive, Mercy UK

‘The power of this book is in its piercing honesty and vulnerability. It gives a voice to those issues that we as Christians sometimes want silenced: what happens when darkness falls? Where is God in mental illness? Can I ever be enough? Through Patrick’s stories of his own life and those of others, he powerfully reminds us that a life of faith is smattered with, but not shattered by, dark places. This is an amazing book which will bless, encourage and comfort many.’

Tim and Rachel Hughes, Lead Pastors at Gas Street Church, Birmingham

‘The Bible is way more honest than most churches about the actual levels of pain and confusion in life. That’s why we need this book. It’s going to provoke ten thousand honest conversations, helping to bring healing, hope and understanding to many who currently suffer in silence.’

Pete Greig, Founder of 24-7 Prayer and Leader of Emmaus Rd Church, Guildford

‘When things are dark or difficult, it’s good to know that you’re not alone – others have been there and found that God was closer than ever. The stories and reflections in this hope-filled book point to a love that never lets us go.’

Paul Harcourt, National Leader of New Wine England and Author of Walking on Water

‘Patrick Regan communicates heart to heart, which is one of the signs of the Holy Spirit. This is a humbling and deeply encouraging book.’

Lord Richard Chartres, Bishop of London

‘To be honest… It’s a phrase often on our lips, but often we’re anything but honest about our struggles. In this raw, hopeful, visceral book, Patrick gently draws back the curtains, cracks opens the windows, and allows us all to breathe in the fresh air of vulnerability and reality. Don’t miss it.’

Jeff Lucas, Author, Speaker and Broadcaster

‘Patrick is the embodiment of authentic faith. This book will challenge, inspire, scare, and thrill you! Read it to discover deep and beautiful faith that embraces the truth that sets us all free.’

Danielle Strickland, Speaker, Author and Social Justice Advocate

‘I have the privilege of knowing Patrick Regan not just as an inspirational leader, author and speaker, but as a friend. If I hadn’t been his prayer partner, I am not sure I would have believed all the hardships he has faced, but they are all true. Equally true is his deep and totally uncynical faith in Jesus Christ and his hunger to engage in honest lament, and yet still love God and build His Church.’

Will van der Hart, Pastoral Chaplain at Holy Trinity Brompton (HTB)

‘Honest, heartfelt and powerful. This important book is a must-read for anyone wanting to live a full and authentic life.’

Gavin Calver, Evangelical Alliance Director for Mission, England

‘Patrick’s book is full of unflinching lament at all that breaks and hurts us, and full of unswerving hope in a God who gathers all the broken pieces of our shattered bodies, minds, hopes and beliefs as He relentlessly loves and restores us. If you know what it’s like to mourn, rage, wail, hope, despair and wait for God, then I recommend this book for your journey. It might just be one of the most significant books you read right now.’

Rachel Gardner, Director of National Work, Youthscape

‘Honesty Over Silence contains vital truth for the Church today: we have to know (really know) that it’s OK not to be OK. Patrick’s honesty and vulnerability sets a wonderful example. None of us has it all together, and all of us have struggles. The book offers a timely encouragement that as a church community we should love one another through the hard times and learn to weep with those who weep. It is full of compassionate and practical advice on key areas like anxiety, depression and self-care, and ultimately reminds us that no matter what we are going through, we are not alone.’

Mike Pilavachi, Founder and Leader of Soul Survivor Church, Watford

‘There can be a conspiracy of silence when it comes to brokenness. Leaders specifically, as well as Christians in general, can often feel ashamed or afraid to speak of their vulnerabilities, their fears, their disappointments or their shortcomings. To allow such a culture of silence to continue is to become complicit in maintaining a façade of faith, which is deadly and guilty of two great sins. The first is to perpetuate the myth that only the strong can be faithful, and the second is that to be honest is not as important as to be strong. These are deeply dangerous perspectives because they are not only wrong: they actually say the polar opposite to what Jesus and the Bible teach. It is only in being weak that we can allow God’s strength to flow through us, and it is only in being honest that we can find a strength that is enduring – the strength of God rather than of human effort. Honesty Over Silence is a beautiful detonation of hope and grace that blows apart the prison walls of holding it all together and having to appear to be strong. And as the prison walls tumble around us, we are left with the shining light of God’s comfort and nearness, bright and beautiful in the rays of grace and mercy.’

Rev Malcolm Duncan, Writer, Broadcaster, Pastor and Theologian in Residence at Spring Harvest

‘Patrick Regan is an inspiration!’

Rob Parsons, OBE, Founder and Chairman of Care for the Family

‘Physical pain, emotional anguish, loss, doubt, darkness – Patrick Regan has felt all this and more, sometimes all at once. Through it he has learnt that when you summon the bravery to vulnerably share your struggles, you end up giving others permission to be vulnerable too. And from that moment of connection, community gets formed, lessons are then shared, and we all start to heal. Honesty Over Silence will help you know what to let go of and what to hold on to as you walk your own wilderness journey.’

Sheridan Voysey, Writer, Speaker, Broadcaster and Author

‘Patrick Regan has that rare ability of laying his weaknesses bare in a way that enables the sweet grace of Jesus to come through. As someone with a chronic illness, I found a kindred spirit who understood the depths of suffering but had dug deeper to find wisdom and hope. My copy of Honesty Over Silence is marked by tears and much underlining. It will move you; it will comfort you. Full of insight and gentle wisdom, this superb book is a perfect companion for anyone weakened by life, looking for God in it all, and needing to know they’re not alone.’

Tanya Marlow, Writer, Broadcaster, Campaigner and Author

‘We all eventually realise that life isn’t like the fairytales we read as children – there are no guaranteed happy endings or gold-laden rainbows. Thankfully, in Honesty Over Silence, Patrick accompanies us past the easy answers, guiding us wisely along the tricky path of suffering that we all have to navigate at some point. You’ll be better equipped for the journey with this helpful and honest book in your hands.’

Cathy Madavan, Writer, Speaker and Author

©Patrick Regan 2018

Published 2018 by CWR, Waverley Abbey House, Waverley Lane, Farnham, Surrey GU9 8EP, UK. CWR is a Registered Charity – Number 294387 and a Limited Company registered in England – Registration Number 1990308.

This edition published by SPCK Group, 36 Causton Street, SW1P 4ST London, 2023.

The right of Patrick Regan to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission in writing of SPCK.

For a list of National Distributors, visit www.cwr.org.uk/distributors

Scripture references are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version® Anglicised, NIV® Copyright ©1979, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture references marked NKJV taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Concept development, editing, design and production by CWR.

Every effort has been made to ensure that this book contains the correct permissions and references, but if anything has been inadvertently overlooked the Publisher will be pleased to make the necessary arrangements at the first opportunity. Please contact the Publisher directly.

This edition printed in 2023 by SPCK.

ISBN: 978-1-78259-834-3

For Eddie and Mary Jane Donaldson, whose love for each other and for God continually inspired me. I hope this book can be seen as just a tiny part of MJ’s legacy: the love, kindness and grace that she gave to all of us.

I have a very special family, whose love, grace and dedication has been so amazing – Diane, Keziah, Daniel, Abigail, Caleb, Mum, Dad, Becky, John, David and Esther, Judy and Graham.

Special thanks to Liza – five books together! I love working with you, and the way you gently challenge me and make sure we come up with something hopefully very special.

To my special friends Johnny Sutherland, Will van der Hart and Andy Flanagan – your wisdom, advice and your joining me on the journey has been so valuable. Special thanks to Mike Coates, whose friendship and commitment to us for over 23 years is overwhelming. To all the team at XLP, especially Naomi Allen and my former EA, Lorna Dobbie for going the extra mile. Tara Cutland Green – I’m so grateful for all you’ve done. Thanks to the team at CWR, especially Mick and Lynette Brooks and Rebecca Berry – I’m so excited to be working with you. To the new team at Kintsugi Hope – Ludivine Kadimba, Sarah Davis, Louise Howitt, Pete and Nicki Sims, Adam and Hannah Temple, and special mention to our longest friends, Terry and Claudette Maragh.

A huge thank you to all my friends who so kindly endorsed this book, taking time out of their very busy schedules to read it – especially Christy Wimber, for doing the foreword.

FOREWORD

When I met Patrick a few years back, I was more impressed with his humility than anything else. I had no idea who he was; I had no idea what he did for a living or where he spent his time when it came to ministry.

I remember someone whispering in my ear, ‘Patrick is amazing and does way more than he will tell you. He’s an OBE.’ (I was unfamiliar with the term ‘OBE’ at the time.) But as Patrick and I began to talk, and he began to share his heart with me about his love for the lost and those on the fringes of society, I quickly realised not only what a wonderful man he was as a believer, but I was drawn to how visible his heart was for those who often get overlooked.

Following our initial meeting, I made sure I took a bit of time to go and see what Patrick was doing with XLP while I was in London. It was phenomenal. It was beautiful. And it looked like a place where Jesus would be hanging out. I loved walking around and seeing the places Patrick was overseeing, and I loved his team. But most of all I loved hearing the impact of what Patrick was giving his life too. Ministry is never easy, but ministry where young people are knifing each other and parents are losing children is heart-breaking. Watching the system fail in so many ways is exhausting. Some churches are already getting involved in local social action, others don’t have the volunteers or resources. But Patrick’s heart was in it.

Years later we connected again, this time over another area which is often overlooked and full of stigma, yet perhaps the most important aspect of an individual’s life: our mental health. If our mental health isn’t good, then it’s virtually impossible to become all we are meant to become this side of heaven. Our mental health matters. One’s own emotional health (which also involves our spiritual as well as physical health) can’t happen without honesty. Healing cannot take place without truth, and the truth does not come out if we don’t feel that we have safe spaces in which to be truthful.

Patrick’s new focus with Kintsugi Hope – a picture of God taking the parts of our lives where the enemy meant to destroy us and creating beauty within imperfection and brokenness – is not only full of hope, but I also believe, timely. Personally, when I feel that I am struggling, the Church tends to make me a bit nervous. Will they accept me? Will they judge me? Will they allow me to be honest without the fear of reproof?

I am sad to say, I have never felt these things with friends who don’t know the Lord, or who don’t attend church, but I’ve always had a bit of a fear of falling into the hands of the Church, as if I’m not quite safe. We say we want people to be honest, but when they are, it can actually frighten us. What people struggle with is real – it’s not pretty, and it’s often messy. But it’s the truth of how hard life can be, the battle we live in, and the scarring of those battle wounds. This is not heaven – and until Christ comes again, the battle is real and the effects of battle are real. And sometimes we just don’t know what to do with other people’s struggles, let alone our own. To be truly vulnerable is scary for most people, but this is what the enemy feeds on, as he desires to silence us into bondage and to keep us isolated and alone. And the fear of rejection keeps many people in the Church silent.

That’s why I believe this book is timely. It is needed. Sometimes we just need to hear from others who are working out their own salvation while continuing to deal with personal struggles. These pages don’t shy away from the raw emotions of Patrick’s own journey, as he pushes past fear so that others will feel safe in the knowledge that they are not alone; nor are they crazy because they have problems.

If you fear opening up or ‘coming clean’, I want to encourage you to take your time with these pages and know that despite perhaps feeling alone, you are not alone. The more we all share, the more healing can take place. When we find our voice, we find our freedom. Honesty Over Silence brings freedom just in reminding us that even at our worst, God is present. He desires not our perfection, but our trust.

Walking through London all those years ago, I remember looking down at Patrick’s legs, knowing he was in pain (pre-surgery). During those hours together, what had the most impact on me was that in spite of pain, Patrick carried on. In pain, and in discouragement, he still made the choice to get up and do what God has called him to do. When we walked back to his office, I asked him about the pain in his legs, and he didn’t sugarcoat it. He was in pain, and he was honest about it.

One of the greatest gifts we can give to each other is the truth about where we are at, and the reality of the struggles we carry. People don’t identify with our strengths; they identify with our humanity. And the greatest story we have is how God is with