Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $9.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    Dearest Lilia, (What the Actual F&$K?!)
    Dearest Lilia, (What the Actual F&$K?!)
    Dearest Lilia, (What the Actual F&$K?!)
    Ebook71 pages1 hour

    Dearest Lilia, (What the Actual F&$K?!)

    By Tessa Leroux

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    A single, middle-aged mom attempts to heal from her past while embarking on the challenge of dating in the digital age.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherTessa Leroux
    Release dateFeb 25, 2023
    ISBN9798215482964
    Dearest Lilia, (What the Actual F&$K?!)

    Related to Dearest Lilia, (What the Actual F&$K?!)

    Related ebooks

    Humor & Satire For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      Tanya Reynolds

      Sep 9, 2021

      Tanya Reynolds
      3 min read

    • Article

      Sophie L Morgan

      Feb 6, 2023

      Sophie L Morgan
      8 min read

    • Article

      Alan Cumming

      Nov 1, 2021

      Alan Cumming
      5 min read

    • Article

      James O’Brien

      May 10, 2021

      James O’Brien
      5 min read

    • Article

      Parminder Nagra

      May 2, 2022

      Parminder Nagra
      5 min read

    • Article

      Julia

      Oct 19, 2022

      Julia
      7 min read

    • Article

      Good Boy

      Aug 3, 2021

      Good Boy
      10 min read

    • Article

      He’s Not My Son!

      Jul 4, 2024

      He’s Not My Son!
      5 min read

    • Article

      No Joking Matter

      Dec 29, 2021

      No Joking Matter
      4 min read

    • Article

      When Naming Isn’t Enough

      Aug 31, 2018

      When Naming Isn’t Enough
      16 min read

    • Article

      Sharon Horgan

      Aug 29, 2022

      Sharon Horgan
      5 min read

    • Article

      60, single & HAPPY

      Mar 8, 2020

      60, single & HAPPY
      6 min read

    • Article

      Ms Carrie Stacks.

      Nov 1, 2019

      Ms Carrie Stacks.
      9 min read

    • Article

      Offended On Behalf Of

      Apr 4, 2022

      I’m not in any hurry to finish this life (and I’m certainly hopeful that it won’t end anytime soon), but I’ve got to say that I’m pleased I don’t have to live on this same planet that you younger readers are going to have to occupy for the next 40 or

      5 min read

    • Article

      Wildest Dreams

      May 16, 2023

      Wildest Dreams
      9 min read

    • Article

      Love Stories

      Jan 19, 2021

      Love Stories
      5 min read

    • Article

      Being Elliot Page

      Jun 2, 2022

      Being Elliot Page
      16 min read

    • Article

      With Open Arms

      Aug 12, 2021

      With Open Arms
      7 min read

    • Article

      Deborah Meaden

      Jul 10, 2023

      Deborah Meaden
      6 min read

    • Article

      ASK Aunty Nelly

      Nov 7, 2024

      Q I have a bit of an obsession that I’m not sure how to handle. I can’t stop cleaning! I’m hooked on TikTok videos showing people scrubbing, organising and tidying up, and now I clean all day and night. I spend all my money on cleaning products. I’m

      2 min read

    • Article

      Joanna Scanlan

      May 24, 2021

      A At 16 I was at a very pleasant girls’ boarding school in North Wales. I enjoyed that life, I had bags of fabulous friends – I’ve enjoyed friendship all through my life. Until I was 16 I always took it upon myself to stand up for what I saw as injus

      5 min read

    • Article

      Marian On Her New Book

      Jun 19, 2020

      Reading Grown Ups, I had to wonder about the inspiration behind it? Was it a bad family holiday? Yeah, there’s this group of people I’ve been friends with for a long time and we go away together now and again. In recent years one of the friends has b

      3 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for Dearest Lilia, (What the Actual F&$K?!)

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      Dearest Lilia, (What the Actual F&$K?!) - Tessa Leroux

      Dearest Lilia, (What the Actual F&$K?!)

      Tessa Leroux

      Published by Tessa Leroux, 2023.

      This is a work of fiction. Similarities to real people, places, or events are entirely coincidental.

      DEAREST LILIA, (WHAT THE ACTUAL F&$K?!)

      First edition. February 25, 2023.

      Copyright © 2023 Tessa Leroux.

      Written by Tessa Leroux.

      Table of Contents

      Title Page

      Copyright Page

      Dedication

      Dearest Lilia | (What the Actual F&$K?!)

      Sign up for Tessa Leroux's Mailing List

      For my children, who love me and inspire me to follow my dreams no matter how old I get! By the way, you're not allowed to read this book so don't even think about it.

      And for my sister; your countless hours of tears and laughter and support made this whole dang thing possible.

      Thank you!

      Dearest Lilia

      (What the Actual F&$K?!)

      DEAREST LILIA,

      You know when you go to the bathroom at Grandma’s house how it kind of smells weird in there? Like a kind of pungent, musty smell that sits in your nose with an after effect that you can’t shake for hours? Old lady pee smell. You know?

      Well, I went pee this morning and that’s the smell I left the bathroom with.

      I officially have old lady pee.  What the actual fuck!

      So after careful contemplation, I figured it out. Old lady pee is obviously the smell of dusty vagina. Dusty, unused, unloved vagina, and here I am at 40 years old suffering with this syndrome! You are the first to know of my discovery although I’m sure there is already a scientist that has figured this out. I bet that scientist was a woman. A single woman. Don’t you think we should have learned of this in our sex ed classes in high school?? I mean come on! Some warning would be nice. They’re all focused on safe sex and I’m over here thinking, why didn’t they warn us about what happens when there’s no sex at all! Ugh!

      You should consider yourself lucky that I’m telling you about this, I mean it’s truly cutting edge stuff here.

      You’re welcome.

      So of course, right away I feel the urgent need to start dating again. For real. I need to make sure my vagina doesn’t stink.  In fact, it isn’t even about the stink, it’s about the type of stink; I’d rather go for the fishy, overused vagina stink than the dusty stink any day.

      Again, you’re welcome.

      Hope you’re prepared to go through this journey with me because I can’t do it alone and who better to hear my stories than you? The one person who knows me better than I know myself.

      Sure, I could share with my girlfriends and spare you, but let’s get real here, they can barely stand the PG version of my life let alone this hardcore stuff I’m hoping to achieve.

      Men want to date single women in their 40s who have 3 kids, right? Actually, you don’t have to answer that. I need to remain hopeful if I’m going to follow through with this madness.  Don’t tell me I’m being dramatic, dating at this age is most definitely madness.

      I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since my divorce. Three long years since Darren left me for that bitch who I called my best friend. What an idiot I was. And worse, it has been 3 long years since a man has even touched me. My God!! I’m going to need to get back out there for my sanity, and for my vagina. And probably for the kids’ sake too. I have admittedly been a little edgy as of late.

      Flicking the ol’bean just ain’t gonna cut it anymore and that’s all there is to it.

      To get the ball rolling I invited a girl I work with to come over tomorrow night for sangria (she doesn’t even know what sangria is, can you believe it?? She’s in her twenties and I guess they drink vodka mixers and cosmopolitans. Can you see me rolling my eyes in disdain?).  Anyway, she will help me set up some dating apps and teach me all about the swiping right and swiping left phenomenon. Wish me luck!

      Love you!

      ...

      DEAREST LILIA,

      Why do I hang out with people in their 20s? Don’t answer that. I already can hear you calling me a fucktard and I see you shaking your head at me. I know, I know, I’m too old to hang with these young people but I didn’t see any other way to get back into the digital way of dating then to get tips from the people who thrive on this new age, completely foreign to me, lifestyle.

      I mean hey, the night started out great; I showed Jocelyn (her name even sounds young, right?) how to make a fabulous sangria and we proceeded to drink the night away. God, I love sangria. It’s so fruity and boozy and summery... I could just swim in it. Sigh...

      You remember that summer when you and I drank sangria and we made a musical and it was basically just us, singing about everything from getting dressed to making dinner? Ahhhh, the good times we had being drunken morons together...

      I don’t want to get off track though.

      So right when I got to the best part of being tipsy (you know when you’re giggly and it seems like

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1