Trust the Flames

Introduction

We think we meet someone with our eyes, but we actually meet them with our soul.

—Mimi Novic

When I first heard the term twin flame, I assumed it was just a new, contemporary word for soulmate; however, I was mistaken. I learned that—much like a soulmate—a twin flame is a person you feel an instant, intense connection with, but there’s a unique distinction that sets them apart. The term soulmate can mean different things to different people—some will say you can only have one soulmate, while others will say you can have many. In fact, the term has become so ubiquitous that you don’t even necessarily need to believe in the concept of souls to believe in soulmates. A soulmate can simply refer to someone you immediately jibe with. The definition of a twin flame is a little more specific.

Fair warning: In order to believe in twin flames, you do have to believe in souls that live on after death. That’s because the theory of twin flames is based on the idea that at the time of physical death, a soul splits in two, with each half reincarnating as a unique person. This means someone else is carrying the other half of your soul, which is sometimes called a mirror soul. Because of this mirroring soul component, your twin flame is often a person who is both challenging and healing to you; they will show you your deepest insecurities, fears, and shadows, but they can also help you overcome them (and vice versa).

This memoir reveals my wild adventure from mindlessness to mindfulness, and it also happens to be the story of my twin flame journey. Whether you believe in the concept of twin flames or not, I think you’ll be able to relate to a lot of my story, because though it’s a spiritual journey, it’s also a very human one. And while my experiences and the insights revealed to me may be very different from your own, the themes of love, loss, connection, and desire are integral to the human experience. In sharing my story, and how I ultimately found the life and love I’d been searching for, I hope I’m able to encourage and guide you to uncover an existence that brings your greatest yearnings to fruition. I hope it reminds you that however confusing, heartbreaking, or painful your journey to this point has been, that you can find clarity and peace. That you know a beautiful life is possible—and that you have the power inside you to create it. And that ultimately, you are never alone.

Photo by: Pete Ilosvay

Chapter 1

Burning Out

Brooklyn was awake, its volume at full throttle while I cradled my thumping head and buried my face in the sheets. On the street, the noise of someone laying into their car horn while another person’s shout rose in an angry crescendo. I dug deeper into the bed, hiding from the slashes of sunlight coming through the blinds.

And then the fuzzy first moments cleared, and I remembered.

My mother was in West Virginia.

My mother was dying.

I lifted my head to look at the digital clock on his bedside table. 9:30. I groaned and rolled over. My mouth felt filled with cotton balls. Those Jameson and Gingers seemed like such a good idea when I was dancing in my amethyst bridesmaids’ dress. Now they sat heavy in my pounding temples and at the back of my dry throat.

Justin rolled over and opened his big blue eyes. He looked chipper and well-rested, and his perfectly smooth skin didn’t show a single wrinkle or blemish, despite the late night and his poor beverage choices. He gave me a quick kiss on the forehead. Stay here; I’ll make you breakfast, he said before jumping out of bed. His energy and lurch from bed only worsened my nausea.

I was numb and awash in guilt. Justin was crazy-sweet. My mom loved him. Everyone loved Justin. I should have felt like the luckiest girl in the world to have him for a boyfriend.

I didn’t feel lucky at all, though. It was wrong to feel good in Brooklyn while my mom was miles away, fighting for her life.

Justin rummaged through the pots and pans searching for the right one. I snaked my hand out from under the covers, fumbled for my iPhone and swiped it on. It was the first of the month – time for my monthly horoscope by astrologist queen and fellow Pisces, Susan Miller.

I first read Susan’s work two years earlier. She had a column in a magazine that I’d won a copy of after stripping down to my underpants at a trendy bookstore in Sydney, Australia. No, I’m not insane. It was a competition. I cheated by wearing a pair of men’s black boxer briefs, and they initially tried to deny me my prize. These days, anything that reminded me of Australia, including Susan Miller, held a special place in my heart.

I tapped the Safari icon and typed in astrologyzone.com. The page slowly loaded but the day’s horoscopes weren’t posted yet. That’s weird, Susan is so devoted, I thought to myself. I scrolled further down the page and found a blog post titled Little Mom. My breath caught in my throat. I referred to my mother as Mamacita, which is Spanish for little mom. The post was a letter dedicated to Susan Miller’s mother whose funeral was being held that day, hence the absent horoscopes. I shivered from the synchronicity and continued to read.

She said her little mom was watching from heaven and signed it off with a loving tribute about her love as wide as the world and deep as the ocean. A love that would go on forever in her heart.

The screen on my phone went black. Home was calling. It was my faja, my dad. (I had been calling my dad Faja since the movie Austin Powers: Goldmember came out as an inside joke, referencing how the so-called villain pronounced the word father.)

Nausea and a jolt of heat thrummed through my entire body, leaving me cold and shaking. I didn’t want to take this call, but I slid my thumb to the right and answered anyway. My Dad’s face appeared on the screen.

Hey, Faja. My voice sounded like I was speaking underwater through a mouthful of stones. I noticed how pale my face looked in the tiny box next to my dad’s image, but I did nothing about it.

Hey, Kate, my dad said. There was a slight pause, and I heard him draw a ragged breath. Mommy didn’t have a good night last night.

Everything stopped. All sound, all air. I had the constant sick feeling of freefall. Time stopped.

My dad paused again, and the dread solidified in my belly like a rock.

She died this morning.

I had never seen my dad cry, but I could tell by his voice that despite their fraught history, he’d just lost a piece of himself. For a single hopeful moment, it struck me: I’m still dreaming. This can’t be real. I’m asleep.

I struggled to remain calm, fighting back the tears. All right. Thank you for calling, Faja. I love you. I’ll be down later today, I said, running the words together in a rush to get them out before I lost control.

OK, he said. Please be careful. Drive safe. Take your time and don’t rush. I love you.

I love you too, Dad.

That was the first time my dad told me he loved me with those words. Usually, I say I love you and he will answer, Okay, honey; me too. I’d always wanted to hear those words but today, more than anything, they just brought home the truth: my mom was gone.

•

Mom was dead, and I was hungover in a home that wasn’t mine, with a man I didn’t love, in a life that felt…wrong. I had been burning out for a long time. But this day, as awful as it was, wasn’t when it all started. If anything, it was the start of the undoing.

My mom had a favorite quote by the writer Hunter S. Thompson:

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, ‘Wow! What a ride!’

I had taken this quote literally for the past 26 years. And the ride was about to get even bumpier.

Chapter 2

Wildfires

It was almost midnight. I was walking home along the waterfront to my new apartment in Bondi after leaving work at Hurricanes. I still couldn’t believe that I was living here at 23 years old – among young, Australian beach-goers in one of the most beautiful and iconic parts of the world. I breathed in the salt air. I didn’t even mind wearing dirty black stretch pants that smelt of Hurricane’s famous rib sauce.

It was the last call at the Beach Road Hotel and drunk people were stumbling out, arms wrapped around each other, laughing. A bike bell rang from behind me, and I jumped out of the way, thinking about the beach cruiser Mom was bringing when she flew over in a few weeks. I was still unsure how we would get along while she was here, but I was cautiously optimistic.

The bell rang again and two guys passed me. Thank you, they called as they passed.

Suddenly I found myself shouting back. You’re welcome. Hey, I like your bell. Where did you get it?

I cringed immediately and would cringe for years whenever I thought of it. Who blurts out compliments to strangers about their bike bells?

The tall one stopped pedaling and turned around. His mountain bike matched his dark hair and black t-shirt.

This old thing? he said. I can’t remember. You can get them anywhere they sell bikes, I’m sure.

His friend pulled up short as well. With blonde hair, hazel eyes and black square-framed prescription glasses, he rode a more petite, silver BMX that suited his stature. He also didn’t look too impressed to be stopping.

The tall Australian continued, So, are you walking back from Beach Road? He let the bike lean between his legs and held it casually with one hand by the handlebars.

No, I just left work at Hurricanes. I’m headed home.

Ah, they have the best ribs ever, he said. Where do you live?

I remember being taken aback. Australians weren’t usually so forward. I paused for a second before deciding to make a joke out of it.

I just met you guys. I don’t even know your names. Why would I tell you where I lived?

He laughed. Ah c’mon, he said. It’s not like that. My name is John. This is my roommate Finn. We were just at the Beach Road and we live in North Bondi on Owen St. I’m just asking so that we can make sure you get home safe.

I looked them over. John seemed nice. He was a bit older and had, so far, been polite and respectful. His roommate Finn still hadn’t said anything, but he seemed OK and very cute. And anyway, this is how you meet people in Bondi.

I just live on Onslow Street in Rose Bay, I said.

John said, Well our place is on the way. Why don’t you come by for a drink? Then one of us can walk you home.

Sure, why not, I said. My mom always told me to trust my intuition and so I did.

Their place wasn’t far and when we got there, we piled into the small living room. I took my shoes off and felt immediately at home. John played DJ and we listened to the Supremes.

We started talking and Finn came out of his shell. It didn’t take me long to switch my focus to Finn—John was great, but Finn was exactly my type.

Are you from the UK? I asked. He had a strong British accent, but with a touch of something I hadn’t recognized.

Sort of, he said. I’m from Sweden, but I moved to the UK when I was young.

How long have you been here then?

Only about five years, he said.

I laughed. "Only? I’ve only been here about three months!"

Finn and John both laughed. It sounds long when you put it that way.

Why’d you come to Australia? John asked. He was squatting on the floor across the room, his dark hair like a shadow thrown across the wall.

I’ve always wanted to visit, I said. You ever get that feeling you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be?

Finn laughed. I could tell he didn’t get it. I shifted on the couch to get more comfortable, and as I did my knee brushed against his briefly. I surprised myself by blushing.

I glanced up to see John watching us and blushed a deeper pink.

Why does anyone do anything? I said. Why does the earth spin around? Why does falling hurt? Why do people fall in love? Ugh. More memories for the cringe file.

But Finn was looking thoughtful. I get it, he said, shooting me a big smile, and I felt myself glow from the inside out. I don’t remember, but I’m sure I blushed again. I’ve travelled all over the world just because I wanted to be in a certain place at a specific time. And it’s worked out well for me so far.

Where have you been? I asked. Now we were moving into my favorite topic. I love travel stories and the new information I glean adds to my growing list of places I want to visit.

Finn started speaking to me about the places he’d been in Europe. Every time he mentioned some place I’d been to or wanted to go, I’d interrupt and we’d talk about what we loved about it, the things we’d done or wished we’d done differently next time. I’d had many conversations like this even with other ‘backpackers’ in Bondi, but this felt different. It wasn’t just a conversation. It felt like our souls were conversing.

John changed the music. Michael Jackson rolled out of the speakers. Finn reached into his pocket, pulled out a packet and rolled a cigarette.

I didn’t know people rolled cigarettes; what year are we in? I asked.

He laughed. Don’t knock it till you try it.

So, I said, Roll one for me, too?

With the paper in his left hand, he sprinkled tobacco with his right and, in a single deft movement, rolled a perfect cigarette without breaking eye contact. He smiled as he presented the finished product and said, let’s smoke. Sydney is warm in October, but the night still holds the last crispness of spring. As we stepped out into the backyard, I trembled in my t-shirt.

Are you cold? Finn asked.

A little, I laughed. Finn went inside and brought back a black and white striped sweater that fit like a glove. I loved it immediately.

The night was finally quiet in a way that Bondi only is after the bars shut down and before the early morning exercising begins. Our conversations meandered and when Finn got pictures of him scuba diving, John excused himself to bed, but we barely noticed.

We got deep and personal pretty fast. I found myself opening up to him in a way I hadn’t for a long time, telling him things I tried to hide from most people. Things that I felt so much shame around like my family and my past.

He talked about his mom, brothers, stepdad and what it was like to move to Australia alone. His stories zigzagged from the past to the present, across continents, cities and what felt like lifetimes. I was smitten, whether it was the Australian night or my electric currents. Like a magnet, I was utterly drawn to him.

A travelling nomad not exactly sure where he is from with a colorful childhood and an adopted brother. I could relate to it all, more than with anyone else I’d ever met.

It’s 2:30, Finn said. You’ve got to get up for work soon. We’d better get you home.

Yeah, all right, I said, but I really, really didn’t want the night to end.

Finn walked me home through silent streets. In the distance, we could hear the ocean. He had his hands tucked deep into the pockets of his jeans and a grey hoodie pulled up over his head. The closer my apartment got, the more I didn’t want him to go.

We got to the front door. Come up, I said. My roommate isn’t home. I laughed a little to offset how vulnerable I felt. In my head, I repeated Just come up. Come up.

He gave a little nod and headed up the stairs. My heart lurched as I followed him. Inside we chatted for a minute but it’s the kind of nonsense that you’re saying when you’re thinking about something else. And we were both thinking about what was going to come next. Finally, Finn stood up and came over to me. He was the perfect height for leaning in for a kiss. It was soft and gentle at first, but soon it became electric. I knew he felt the same and as the kiss increased in urgency, we half stumbled, half weaved our way to the bedroom and onto the bed. Yes! Heat flushed through my entire body.

Things escalated quickly and before I knew it, I was whispering yes, yes into his ear and we were making love. We fit together perfectly; it was what I hoped for and more.

We hardly slept and were running on sheer adrenaline as dawn came in through the window blinds. There was no awkwardness or shame. We shared that fantastic feeling you get after something momentous has happened.

Finn offered to drive me to work. It was quicker than taking the bus and we could stay in bed longer. When we got to the restaurant, he didn’t just drop me at the curb, but he parked the car and walked me up to the front door.

I had a great night, Finn said.

I smiled. Me too.

Are you busy tonight? Do you want to hang out? he