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    Misunderstood: Rewriting the Rules of Dignity & Self-Respect
    Misunderstood: Rewriting the Rules of Dignity & Self-Respect
    Misunderstood: Rewriting the Rules of Dignity & Self-Respect
    Ebook225 pages2 hours

    Misunderstood: Rewriting the Rules of Dignity & Self-Respect

    By Allyson Blythe

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    About this ebook

    What if I told you that you are your ultimate problem and brightest solution in every way? What if every blurry-eyed morning, the issue and the answer are in the mirror staring right back at you? What if I told you that you hold the power to create your very best life, and the process can begin right now?


    Welcome to Misundersto

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAllyson Blythe, LLC
    Release dateMar 3, 2023
    ISBN9781960378033
    Misunderstood: Rewriting the Rules of Dignity & Self-Respect
    Author

    Allyson Blythe

    Allyson Blythe has always known that she was made to do this work. After earning her master's degree at Syracuse University, she opened her private practice in 2000. With a heart for the underdog, an unwavering drive for helping others, and a soul that draws on deep wisdom, insight, and intuition, Allyson has dedicated her career to the mission of Educating, Equipping, and Empowering others to dig deep into self-awareness, emotional intelligence, self-care, and personal responsibility. In addition to her private practice, Allyson offers seminars, workshops, group coaching, and education from the stage as a public speaker. The ALLY Effect is her podcast, where she Educates, Equips, and Empowers listeners to Authentically Live Life Your Way. She is also the author of The Enlightened Empath: Your 10-Step Guide to Becoming Educated, Equipped & Empowered. When she is not busy impacting lives in the office, you can find her on her yoga mat or out in nature.

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      Book preview

      Misunderstood - Allyson Blythe

      Misunderstood_Cover.jpg

      Misunderstood

      Rewriting the Rules of

      Dignity & Self-Respect

      Allyson Blythe

      LCSW & Certified Life Coach

      Copyright © 2020 by Allyson Blythe

      All rights reserved.

      No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the author, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.

      Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

      ISBN 978-1-960378-02-6 (paperback)

      ISBN 978-1-960378-03-3 (eBook)

      2nd edition, 2023

      Book design by Anna Hall

      Misunderstood

      To my younger self:

      For the person you tried to be, the wars you fought, and the lessons you endured. I see the effort you put into people, relationships, and life in general. Thank you for that scrappy, feisty little spirit you’ve always had, I know how hard you tried. I honor and celebrate every misguided effort you put forth. You carried the load for a long time, and I assure you, I’ve got it now. You can rest easy, and I’ll take it from here.

      To my daughter:

      For the person you are and all that you’ll become. You are the reason for much of my work and the inspiration of my life lessons and learning. You are a gift, and I am forever grateful for the chance to be your mom. I hope to make you proud and show you all the things I didn’t know before, so you show up strong, true, and fully believing in your amazing self!

      To women in my family who came before me:

      Lifelong legacies are being laid to rest in this work. I thank you for the road you traveled and the teachings you offered me. We come from a long line of good hearts, few resources, and trying too damn hard. This is the permission I wish you had been granted long ago. The world deserves our best-boundaried selves!

      To everyone who has contributed to the depths of this work:

      I may not have seen it at the time, nor understood how much I needed your contribution, but wow, thanks for the lessons! Thank you for what you’ve taught me and the ways you’ve offered tough learning and good practice. Sorry for the damage I may have done in the process. No one said I was an easy learner!

      To my clients:

      I am forever honored and grateful for the opportunity to walk alongside you. It is my commitment to always stay one page ahead!

      Acknowledgments

      To my clients who are my inspiration and purpose in so much of the work I do. I believe, together, we can make the world a better place through connection and community. Thanks for being on this journey with me and challenging me to always just stay one page ahead.

      To Cindy, for always having a listening ear, a proud spirit, and the right words to say. You’ve walked with me on this long and winding path, never leaving my side. You’ve gone above and beyond and deserve a gold medal in the friendship category!

      A huge thank you to Mike for supporting me in every facet imaginable. You are my biggest cheerleader, my greatest supporter, and strongest sounding board. You help me to believe in myself and to know this work was truly possible. You have been a powerful test ground and launching pad for my own S.O.S. work.

      Preface

      From the time I was a little girl, I knew there was a greater mission I was called to fulfill. It was never a question; I was destined for the helping field. I am a master at this emotional stuff for other people. I can sit with them and immediately sense their struggles and have been coined as a Coach and Therapist who just gets it. I am a champ at celebrating the smallest of wins and a trooper for sitting with the deepest imaginable pain and devastation. The public face is an easy one to wear. Yet, what most people would never have guessed is, the greatest pain and confusion I carried was my own.

      When I share any of my own struggles and defects with my clients, the only question I always hear is a shocked You? Yes, me. is my strong affirmative answer. Despite the letters behind my name, the degrees that hang on the wall, the years of experience, and the power of a tenacious, determined heart, yes, the struggle is incredibly real, and I most definitely have not been immune to the childhood conditioning of being good.

      Of course, I’ve grappled with life and had only the tools, insight, and resources of the imperfect generations before me. I wasn’t born with a manual or a script to follow. Though perhaps a master at managing and offering insight about your pain behind closed doors, I couldn’t seem to guide nor direct my way through my own personal pain.

      Misunderstood is my personal contribution, an offering for all those wishing there is a life manual to guide, direct, and inspire. May you find the hope, encouragement, and inspiration in this personal script.

      Introduction

      When you choose to forgive the same people over and over again you do so because you don’t want to believe your time loving them was wasted. Bad relationships over time can become investments that are hard to let go of. The key to freedom is to realize that love is never wasted. The only thing wasted in life is the time you spend focusing on an unhappy situation that will never change to fit your needs, and not realizing the true investment of time and love are the lessons God wanted you to learn.

      —Shannon L. Alder

      This above all: to thine own self be true.

      —William Shakespeare

      What if I told you, in every way, you are your ultimate problem and brightest solution? What if every blurry-eyed morning the issue and the answer are in the mirror, staring right back at you? What if I told you that you hold the power to create your very best life, and the process can begin right now?

      So, I’ll ask you:

      Are you unhappy?

      Do you feel mistreated?

      Do you tend to work really hard in relationships?

      Are you exhausted? Depleted?

      Do you feel unappreciated?

      Are you overwhelmed?

      Are you unhealthy?

      Are you wandering around broke?

      Are you in relationships in which you are disrespected?

      Are you over-worked? Underpaid?

      If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, we need to talk. If you recognize these feelings or find yourself in a chronic state of any of them, it’s time to ask yourself, what is it that I’m allowing?

      According to Dictionary.com, the word allow means:

      • to give permission to or for; permit: to allow a student to be absent; No swimming allowed.

      • to let have; give as one’s share; grant as one’s right: to allow a person $100 for expenses.

      • to permit by neglect, oversight, or the like: to allow a door to remain open.

      • to admit; acknowledge; concede: to allow a claim.

      • to take into consideration, as by adding or subtracting; set apart: to allow an hour for changing trains.

      • to permit something to happen or to exist; admit

      The hard truth is, none of these conditions can exist for long periods of time without your permission. If you are in situations or relationships in which negative feelings are your result, there is something happening that you are co-signing, something that you’re allowing. These long-term states don’t happen by accident; they require your compliance. 

      Welcome to Misunderstood, a journey inward in which you will look at what you are allowing in your life. This book is the manual I wish the generations before me, and I had been born with. It is the offering of wisdom, insight, and tools to help you take full responsibility for your life. Misunderstood is an inner journey of self-discovery, honesty, and personal accountability to shine light into the deepest corners of your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, needs, habits, and patterns. We will explore the ways you’ve been misinformed, confused, selling yourself out, settling, working too hard, and working against yourself. Then, you’ll be offered the tools, script, and resources to choose differently.

      This journey is not one for the faint of heart. Awareness can be a double-edged sword. In fact, some have cautioned that this work should come with a warning label because once you venture in, you can’t unlearn or unsee all you discover. Acceptance is part of wisdom, the journey. It’s about understanding that you don’t always get what you want in life, but as Mick Jagger so wisely offers, If you try sometimes, you’ll find, you get what you need.

      Chapter 1

      Accommodating

      Her feelings she hides.

      Her dreams she can’t find.

      She’s losing her mind.

      She’s falling behind.

      She can’t find her place.

      She’s losing her faith.

      She’s falling from grace.

      She’s all over the place. . .

      —Avril Lavigne

      I lost my shit over a banana. Yup, it was a banana that brought me to the brink of insanity. The headlines read, ‘Woman Flies Into A Rage Over The Last Banana.’ At least that’s how the headline scrolled through my mind.

      I was losing my grip and the ground beneath me seemed to be crumbling. My head was scrambled, as though someone had stuck it in a blender and pressed the highest pulse setting. My heart pounded with formidable betrayal from that woman. . . yes, that woman eating the last banana that once hung on the wrought iron fruit tree atop the white marble counter. Who would have guessed I could come to the brink and feel capable of grave physical harm over a banana? 

      It was the summer of 2013, while on a girls’ trip in Panama City, Florida when my world began to unravel. Just like every other trip we ventured on, I spent most of my time, painstakingly planning and managing our activities and menu. Each of us had our own ideas of fun and adventure, so planning wasn’t easy, as it felt important to be sure everyone was happy, content, and well-cared for. Limited to one car, and yet recognizing the different excursions each person desired, the pressure was on to accommodate and please everyone.

      Nearing the end of the trip, I was conscious of the limited amount of food that was left and all of the activities that hadn’t yet unfolded. So, with my mind occupied and energy consumed with the needs of others, imagine my surprise when one of the weekend travelers stumbled out of bed after 10:00 am and grabbed the last banana, without giving a single thought to anyone else in the house.

      The walls seemed to cave and the roof shook as she caught the death grip of my eyeballs. Wandering out of the room, she shrugged and said, What? I’m hungry!

      Oh, hell no. . . What the hell was happening? Why was I murderously rageful over a banana?

      Chapter 2

      Caring

      He dreamed of deserts and great empty cities and imagined he could feel the minutes and hours of his life running through him, as though he were nothing but an hourglass of flesh and bone.

      —Laini Taylor, Strange the Dreamer

      Painted nails, hair just right, make-up drawn on perfectly, right shoe, left shoe, grab my purse and keys, and head for the door. It was time to go! I had delayed as long as I possibly could because many were relying on me. Somehow, I was elected the Social Director; a position I was naturally good at but never sought.

      There were seven unread messages on my phone, with four missed calls, and two voicemails. As much as I wanted to attend and be a part of something, I couldn’t plaster on the smile, nor muster the enthusiastic energy, for managing the seating arrangements for all of the attendees.

      In the past, being needed and having the responsibility to make the world go around, made me feel valued, important, and a part of a larger whole. However, something new was brewing inside of me. . . emotions I couldn’t rationalize, nor contain. Something was certainly shifting, pieces deep inside of me were beginning to break loose. I looked upon my life with depletion, disappointment, hostility, and resentment. Once again, my mind was in the blender with thoughts unable to be sorted.

      The pain I felt was not a physical sickness, rather a visceral, emotional torment that plagued my spirit. Wadded into a colossal tangled mess, the only emotions I could decipher were annoyance, irritation, depletion, and exhaustion. Like the pain of a raw, sensitive sunburn, I was tender, hypervigilant, and overly conscious in every interaction, fearing the intensity of the searing emotional pain.

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