I Can Eat Trump

ONE

I can eat Trump if I can just get hold of him. I know where he lives.

But what if he catches me first?

Astronauts and cosmonauts all must know that the important thing to remember is ‘that the desired outcome is not the enhancement of either side of the pair at the expense of the other nor something so simple as compromise or conciliation but a tertium quid and frequently one that exists on some higher kind of level than the inputs’.

So there we have it. Opposition is just the beginning!

Like, what if both Trump’s and my tennis coach or racing-car driver gives us heroin, supposedly to enhance our performance? Because playing tennis and driving cars in races both need excellent hand and eye coordination, stamina, strategic thinking, ruthlessness, concentration and fearlessness, the exact same qualities needed to play a piano in a concert in which one group of musicians with electrical musical instruments celebrated for their performance of a form of music known as ‘heavy metal’ join forces with another, much larger, group of musicians with acoustic musical instruments celebrated for their performance of a form of music known as ‘Western classical’ and together perform a form of music previously unknown but referred to thereafter as ‘classical heavy metal’. Whatever the name, the pianist must be able to bash the keyboard with their head and tinkle complex arrangements, both while blindfolded and naked, covered in mud.

But this isn’t what you came to read!

I know what you came to read. I know who you are.

You may be unaware that Trump’s and my former tennis coach is an amateur literary advisor.

Now you know.

They told me that I must have a ‘target readership’ in mind before I set out to eat Trump after first catching him. It seems that it’s not enough to have the eating and catching of Trump — which are two very different things — as the target of my thinking. I must add thinking about you. I resented this at first but as our tennis coach put it, it was in my best interests to sort this out now otherwise the whole thing would be a mash up.

The first you is a former tennis coach turned literary advisor, male, female or whatever. You are somewhat bored with the advice you have been giving and want to try something new and see what happens.

The second you is a retired military general who found this book while inspecting his married daughter’s luggage for any contraband, such as this book.

The third you is a high-flying economic advisor flying high over the sea who bought this book on a whim at the airport and are likely already regretting that whim.

The fourth you is a long-suffering student of something or other who was told you had better read this or else.

The fifth you is a farmer of pineapples in the passenger seat of a truck conveying the dead beasts to market who finds this book sent to you on your electronic device and, rather than continue pretending to listen to the driver, a loquacious creature, you turn to this.

And so it goes.

Having sorted out the target readership, we can return to tennis, about which I know almost nothing but my father and mother knew much more, having played the game during the adulterous affair they were conducting, the tertium quid of the battle on the court being my good self.

My father, of course, was a young and handsome prince who had married on the command of his father, the king, a princess who taught piano for amusement. My mother was a princess from a kingdom in the far north of the land who had been sold off to a prince of a neighbouring kingdom of my father’s, a prince who begat upon her numerous offspring before she took up tennis.

It was all a bit like Romeo and Juliet except the star-crossed lovers were already married and didn’t end up dead until quite some time later.

I eschewed the trappings of royalty, an eschewing aided by the revolution and rolling of heads, and have lived a secluded life in a mountain retreat, humbly existing on a regular stipend from the billions stashed away here and there by my parents before they were beheaded. I have never married, neither man nor woman. Nor a comely beast nor shapely tree. I have kept myself nice.

My interest in Trump stemmed early on from his unusual and evocative name — it was only much later that I realised I had known him from afar in my youth — something that confused me from the outset: was this a person or playing card that was being talked about with such fervour and ferocity of an evening as I twiddled the knobs of the shortwave radio that I used to receive word of the outside world from time to time when my hobby of training dancing frogs weighed more heavily on me than usual and I felt the need for some light relief.

I mean, what good are one’s training efforts if the frogs don’t dance elegantly, preferring just to hop about in their usual rapid fashion that barely allows the judges to notice that a jump occurred let alone award a score? Even if, in despair, the judges decided to delude themselves that hopping was a form of dancing, the rapidity of the creatures’ leaps made it largely impossible to check off the various finer points of achievement before awarding a score. The judges often grew despondent on top of their despair.

I suppose this had something to do with my decision to eat Trump after catching him, unless he catches me first. I say ‘suppose’ and I mean it: it could have been any one of numerous other drivers that drove me to the decision. But I shall not enumerate them all.

One might have been Timothy. Not the kind of name you might think of when called upon to think of the only paroled murderer — and famous cannibal — in the land at the time but that was his parents’ decision not mine. Despite his name, he was a fearsome creature, albeit small in size, descended, he said, from a line of assassins in a faraway land who, through his habit of being a sailor, had washed up on these shores and, after undisclosed wanderings, to my mountain retreat. He arrived in a small, round, wooden caravan painted various shades of faded, patchy pink on the top half and faded, patchy lime-green on the bottom half, towed by a police car containing two sighing officers who were glad to see him go although I was not the official reason for depositing Timothy.

The official reason was the presence of three mendicant monks: a Tibetan with an impossibly difficult name, another fellow who called himself Alexander the Sleepless, and the third who mumbled something like Bhikshatanamurthy when I initially enquired.

I had allowed the three to occupy one each of several caves nearby or, rather, they occupied the caves and I took it upon myself to feed them.

But enough of these fellows!

On with the chase!

With a small portion of my parents’ stolen billions, and an even smaller portion of the spiritual powers of the three mendicants, I soon found myself in a kind of astral body, seemingly enormous in scope but without what might be described elsewhere as physical substance. I appeared to be at the Kármán Line, according to later reports by the Fédération aéronautique internationale, which is well-known for its access to remarkably sensitive instruments — such as highly advanced monks and nuns — that vague layer between the Earth’s atmosphere and Space.

From this unique vantage point I could not only easily pinpoint the location of my prey in his palace in the swamp but, more interestingly, contemplate the stars, wherein all manner of fascinating beings were going about their business in complete ignorance of Trump. This was a gap in their knowledge that I vowed I would fill, subsequent to the successful completion of my quest. Assuming Trump doesn’t catch me first.

And he is wily and powerful. There was a moment when I noticed a wrinkling in my ethereal field and instantly knew that it was the psychic projection of Trump attempting something rude and untoward as I hovered about in public minding my own business, with only a little bit of spying on my prey. He was letting me know he knew I was there and that he could destroy me easily if he felt like it. Just let him try, I thought and growled: grrrrr. I am not so easily shaken in my resolve.

Bring it on!

Trump and I both shared a racing-car driver for some time who, in company with our tennis coach, as mentioned earlier, insisted on feeding us heroin. It had no effect on my performance whatsoever, which was always bad and couldn’t be improved, either at tennis or motor racing. Trump, however, liked it too much and his performance improved astronomically such that before long he had won ten Grand Slams (some kind of trophy given to tennis players) and all major road races in every country, three times. He even won a