Her Ladyship's Guide to Modern Manners

Who needs manners?

That old saying, ‘manners maketh Man’, has an old-fashioned ring to it – especially in these days of equality. Maybe it conjures up images of upper-crust gentlemen doffing their top hats at one another in the street – rather an anachronism today! But is having good manners really relevant in modern society? Well, of course – good manners are alive and well, and practised by many of us every day of our lives, without even thinking about them much. But sometimes, when we’re in situations we’re not used to – a formal dinner with lots of silver cutlery, or even a chance to meet the Queen! – we don’t know quite how to behave. But don’t be nervous – the information in this book will help you to survive in all manner of strange situations.

Perhaps we wouldn’t describe our behaviour as ‘modern manners’, but most of us try to abide by accepted rules in our society, and we also notice when those rules are broken or ignored. More and more, we’re encouraged to think of ourselves as free spirits, free to do what we please and be true to our own inner nature. But that kind of attitude only works up to a point. Because, in fact, for society to get along smoothly we need to be able to depend on each other, to understand how someone is likely to behave, and to know the best way to respond without making some dreadful faux pas. And good manners provide some unwritten ground rules to help us know exactly what type of behaviour we expect in a certain situation. Sometimes it’s hard to spot the subtle difference in behaviour, because social behaviour is a very fine-tuned thing. For instance, if you meet a close friend in the street, you’d know that a hug and kiss is a more than acceptable greeting. But if you bump into your boss in the supermarket, you’d probably stop at a friendly hello. A warm hug would cause embarrassment all round. So we need to know what manner to behave in: that’s what modern manners are all about.

Good manners can help us get along with all people in society, however different they may appear to be from us. It’s natural to notice the difference between people – perhaps their dress, their skin colour or their physical appearance – because of course we’re not all the same. But we can treat each other with the same politeness and decency, and the same good manners all round. Our society has changed so much over the last century, and keeps on changing and evolving. Not that long ago, the telephone was a new-fangled device and people worried about what ‘etiquette’ to use when they spoke down it. Today, more than a few of us have the some worries about what kind of manners to use when writing an email message to a friend or colleague. Modern manners tackle new concerns, because society is constantly moving on, but all of them are to do with how our society operates. So perhaps this is a good point to have a quick look at how our society got to where it is today.

Class versus tribe

Here’s a little potted history of how class-conscious Britain became the society it is today – often called the ‘classless society’, though some would say that still isn’t, quite true.

British society up until the period before the Second World War was very class-conscious. The upper classes, or aristocracy, were relatively few in number. But for centuries, they were the people with most power and influence, who got to decide how the country was run – because they were wealthy landowners who, quite literally, owned the country. They lived by their own social ‘rules’, which were drummed into them from birth, first in the nursery and later in expensive prep and public schools, where they only met other people from the same social class. As an aristocratic person grew up, this learnt behaviour became second nature.

In some ways aristocratic behaviour was quite autocratic – taking action without considering others – but in other ways it was concerned with running society ‘properly’, in a very paternalistic way. The eldest sons would eventually inherit their father’s estate, while their younger brothers would go into the army, the church or the judiciary. Daughters were married off to the sons of other aristocratic families, so as to produce children to preserve the aristocratic lineage. The whole system was self-perpetuating and almost watertight. Outsiders were supposed to ‘know their place’ and not attempt to put themselves on a level with their betters. This system had been very efficient and had persisted with only minor modifications for hundreds of years. But it was all about to change.

During the 19th century, a middle class of successful tradesmen had begun to grow in wealth and influence. For the first time, factory owners and shopkeepers could become wealthy in their own right, not through inherited riches. When the middle-class merchants began to get rich, they also wanted a share in the power that governed the country. The aristocracy was challenged, and tried to stop the rise of the middle classes in many ways. One small but effective way of trying to keep the middle classes ‘in their place’ was by adopting complex aristocratic rules governing manners. A middle-class man might be rich but without an aristocratic upbringing, he’d find it hard to grasp the labyrinthine rules that governed upper-class life – having the correct behaviour, or ‘etiquette’. Some aristocrats mocked middle-class ‘parvenus’, who didn’t speak with the right ‘upper-class’ accent, didn’t have the right manners and foolishly tried to mix with their ‘betters’.

Undeniably, some middle-class people made the mistake of trying to ape gentlemanly behaviour, leading to embarrassing mistakes – like talking about ‘serviettes’ when an aristocrat would probably say napkins, or saying ‘toilets’ instead of lavatories. None of that matters today, of course. Silly customs such as crooking the little finger while holding a tea cup were probably middle-class attempts to ‘look posh’ that didn’t come off. One group of people was trying to emulate the learnt behaviour – or manners – of another social class, and couldn’t quite get it right.

Lower- or working-class people came further down the social scale. Their role was to work on the estates of the aristocrats, labour in the factories of the middle classes and be domestic servants for both. The many working-class people were poor, ill-educated and exploited, and firmly ‘kept in their place’ by the classes above them. But, over time, the lack of social opportunity for the working classes led to growing discontent, and slowly a political and social movement began to grow, its object being to overturn the existing system, to establish one that provided the working poor with a fair share of the wealth they helped to create.

After the Second World War, society changed a great deal. Returning servicemen wanted a fair deal from the country they had fought for, and people demanded political change. A Labour government was elected in 1945, the National Health Service was created, grammar schools provided paid-for education for middle-class children: the welfare state came into being. All these measures helped to support the idea of social equality for all. Even though the class society seemed outwardly to be the same as before, subtle changes were afoot. People wanted to ‘move up’ in life, and indeed it was now possible to change your lot. But still, in the 1950s, many people still felt the way to success in this was to imitate aristocratic behaviour, in accent, dress sense and manners.

The counterculture revolution of the 1960s reacted against those persistent attitudes, and blew them away. Its youthful leaders, some of them barely out of school, were ostensibly rebelling over trivial things like pop music, clothes and hairstyles. But the real revolution was a call to end an archaic social system based on deference and inequality. The United States had a great influence at this time, as it still does today. In Western Europe, America, and many other countries, a younger generation refused to conform to the class system, or to bow to authority just for the sake of it. The ‘Swinging Sixties’ were a time of liberation, partly a reaction against the postwar years of privation, but also related to more pressing political changes, like civil rights.

Today, in the United Kingdom, the prewar class divisions in society are not so rigid, and some would say they barely exist. Education and the welfare state have given many people opportunities they would not have been allowed in a prewar society.

The tribal society

How does all this relate to modern manners? Simply this – manners are no longer anything to do with whether you are rich, had a private education or grew up in a certain social milieu. Yes, there are still plenty of rich people around, some of them descendants of the original aristocrats, some of them still owning large country estates, but they no longer have the right to run the country as they once did. And there are probably just as many, if not more, wealthy people who’ve become rich through entrepreneurship, or running a business – or just by being celebrities (the ‘new aristocracy’ perhaps?). People are much more likely, in today’s world, to define themselves by their work, their interests, or their background than by their social class, and to enjoy socialising with other people who share one of these aspects – or feel free to mix freely with all members of society. Just go into any British pub, and you’re like to meet people from all walks of life.

It’s still important to feel that you ‘fit in’ – especially when you’re young and perhaps feeling a bit insecure about your place in life. Ever since the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, and before, younger people have defined themselves by their allegiance to a particular type of music – from mods and rockers in the 1960s, to teenyboppers, Goths, punks and heavy-metal music fans – and the clothes and behaviour that go with it. Every young generation finds its own ‘tribes’.

But even the more grown-up among us can admit we often feel happier mixing with like-minded people – people that we understand, and feel we know how to behave with. It’s natural, perhaps. For many of us, it’s still a bit stressful to be in the company of people who have very different lives and interests from our own. Some people might feel nervous and say ‘I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing’, and what they are really getting at is that they don’t know how to behave in this context, and what the social ‘rules’ are. But the rules really amount to grasping the basics of good manners – they can make you feel far more confident in different social situations and leave you less awkward and embarrassed.

But who decides what good manners are?

We all do. The days are long gone when mysterious aristocratic rules on proper etiquette defined every aspect of good behaviour, although some ‘rules of etiquette’ are certainly based on sensible ideas of respect and politeness. The relics of upper-class etiquette still exist, mostly in ceremonial and special occasions – like the ‘rules’ that go with the conventional wedding reception ceremony, on how to word invitations, or who can make speeches and when. But manners, and especially the modern manners that can help us today, spring from simpler and more understandable roots – simply the natural human concern most of us have for other people – and the wish to avoid hurting, embarrassing or inconveniencing others unnecessarily. What some would call ‘natural politeness’, perhaps – a trust that if we behave well to others, then they’ll do the same for us.

In addition, there are what some would call ‘formal manners’, and these are more like the etiquette of old. When we’re in an unusual and formal situation, it’s very useful to know a bit about what kind of manners would be in order. But even if you find yourself standing next to the Queen of Spain at a Buckingham Palace garden party, simple politeness and friendly conversation are good manners enough. Even so, for those formal occasions that do still require a bit of ceremony, guidance is – nowadays – usually provided in advance. So, don’t worry: if you happen to be knighted one day, somebody at the Palace will be sure to send you some hints on how to behave properly! If you find yourself in an awkward formal social situation, remember that most formal rules – like how to address the Queen – are simply the result of habits and custom built up over time, no more than that. These ‘rules’ are the last vestiges of that strange aristocratic etiquette, designed to keep the middle classes at bay – but today, you can feel free to revolt!

There are few places today where you won’t be admitted unless you’re wearing a suit and tie. But, on the