Unlocked: Essential Keys to Manage Family Conflict

UNLOCKED © 2022 Angela Mitakidis & Shannon R. Brown

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Print ISBN: 978-1-66782-809-1

eBook ISBN: 978-1-66782-810-7

We dedicate this book to our family, friends, mentors, and most importantly, to our Lord. Through Him, all things, especially reconciliation, are possible.

Conflict and resolution are two sides of the same coin.

—Haresh Sippy

ENHANCE YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF FAMILY DYNAMICS!

This impactful book will help you understand how we manage conflicts within our own families and serves as a reminder that everyone has their own way of handling difficult situations. Whether you are a student using this book resource or someone who has faced a fair amount of conflict in life, this book will be a valuable guide to help you and your loved ones manage disputes and achieve resolutions.

My colleague and friend, Angela Mitakidis, and her co-author, Shannon R. Brown, have written an insightful and courageous book about family conflict. Legal training, conflict science, and counseling experience have enabled the authors to get close enough to the fire of conflict to see more, listen deeper, and yet not get scorched in flames. As a result, they bring a perspective to a family conflict that is both complete and inspiring. To quote Angela, Humans have finally found something they can agree on: conflict. Not only is it inevitable, but it is also most probable. So, it is.

Dr. John W. Potter, O.D., M.A.

Clinical Associate Professor, Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management, Southern Methodist University

No matter your profession, if you work with people, Unlocked: Essential Keys to Manage Family Conflict should be on your required reading list. Authors Angela Mitakidis and Shannon R. Brown build a framework of understanding and provide the tools to approaching families and individuals in conflict with empathy and confidence.

Joe L. Joey Cope, J.D.

Associate Vice President, Academics, Abilene Christian University Dallas

This book is an excellent wide-ranging study on understanding and managing family conflicts. It has something for everyone: as a primer for neophytes getting their feet wet in dealing with family conflicts; as a useful reminder to professional family conflict resolvers of essential principles and tools, and as a self-help manual for those involved in family conflict. I also greatly appreciate the way in which it reads - enough academic references and science but presented in relatable manner for everyone. Add to that, the personal touch of the authors own anecdotes. Great stuff - this one's a keeper!

Loong Seng Onn

Mediator Former Executive Director at Singapore Mediation Centre

This book will shine a light on your own personal conflict. The good news is you can experience resolution in these pages as well.

Judge Andrea D. Plumlee

Presiding Judge, 330th Judicial Court, Dallas

The authors have a firm and clear grasp of the subjects they are writing about. Their ability to synthesize theories, concepts, and frameworks as well as to relate it in an understandable manner makes this book a go-to. I am definitely putting it on the required reading list for anyone seeking to work within human relationships and families.

Mun Loon Lai, J.D., BSW,

Singapore Advocate, Family Mediator, Counsellor

Contents

Foreword

Preface

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Part I: Anatomy of a Family

Chapter 1 Defining Family

Chapter 2 Family Psychology: A Bird’s Eye View

Chapter 3 A Cycle for Every Family

Part II: Genesis of Family Conflict

Chapter 4 The Nature of Family Conflict

Chapter 5 The Amygdala Hijack

Chapter 6 Adolescence

Chapter 7 Aging

Part III: The Toolkit

Chapter 8 Family Conflict Management: Strategies and Techniques

Chapter 9 Only You Can Choose

Chapter 10 Name the Pain

Chapter 11 The PEACE Toolkit

Chapter 12 The HAT Strategy

Chapter 13 Forgiveness

Part IV: Let’s Build!

Chapter 14 Family Resilience

Chapter 15 Building a Resilient House

Part V: Final Thoughts

Chapter 16 Intervention and Referrals

Chapter 17 Conclusion

References (by chapter)

About the Authors

Foreword

What I hear, I forget

What I see, I remember

What I do becomes a part of me

—Confucius

Although I am a student and researcher in conflict management, I am a conflict management practitioner at heart. Unlocked is a book that I not only enjoyed reading but has equipped me with many practical conflict management frameworks and tips. The authors’ easy-reading, informal style makes the ideas and concepts so palatable.

Both Angela and Shannon are practitioners, not just theoreticians who are stuck in the ivory tower of academia. They have made references to many well-documented studies and thought-leaders in this field to substantiate their approach. They desire to help individuals and families confront conflicts, manage them, recover from them and equip us with practical skills to manage conflict more effectively.

What I enjoyed about Angela and Shannon is their authenticity, humility and practicality.

Authenticity

They openly share their struggles and issues in conflict management. They enriched me with their many personal anecdotes and examples, which are so rich and real. Their stories resonated with me and made me feel they understand my struggles in conflict. They have provided me with tips that I can use immediately. Most of all, they give me hope even when I have messed up in my conflicts. I can recover. I can be forgiven and learn to forgive.

Humility

Another aspect that stands out for me in this book is the humility of Angela and Shannon. They are willing to expose their vulnerabilities and candidly discuss their weaknesses. This revealed their transparent posture and made them so relatable. They do not stand from a high horse, pontificating, but shoulder-to-shoulder with me. And at times on bended knees to encourage me in this difficult journey of family conflicts.

Practicality

They provide many useful frameworks I appreciated and benefited from. They are briefly mentioned below.

In Part I, The 7 Stages in the family life cycle provides a good framework to help me understand my family development and its complexities.

In Part II, the Amygdala Hijack explains why emotions like fear and anger are difficult to manage. The chapter on adolescence is one of the best chapters, helping me appreciate the teenage brain. Using Daniel Siegel’s framework, they unpacked the upside and downside of the teenage brain. Besides debunking certain stereotypes about teens, they laid out facts in a most cogent and practical manner. One of the most valuable tips is their assertion that parents who shift from a teaching role to a mentoring role during adolescence may be more successful by fostering a positive relationship with their teens. Such parents will also forge a better relationship with them into their adult years.

Beyond laying out the terrains of family and the genesis of family conflict, their most hands-on chapters are laid out in Part III of the book, The Toolkit, which most appropriately, they expend the most time on. This part is their unique contribution to the field of conflict management.

In the chapter on Naming the Pain, their clever use of the acronym NAME makes it helpful in the recall. The PEACE Toolkit which they so clearly elucidated is another example of a conceptual framework, which connects and resonates with me. Acknowledging our propensity for anger, their relational saver’s HAT perspective also provides a very important skill set. It is truly a ‘Homicide Avoidance Toolkit’. Their various tips, with interesting imagery names, like The Oxygen Pump, The Exit Sign, The Elliptical, The Wilson, The Leaf Blower, The Stud Finder, The Heart Monitor, The Freezer and The Stationery are so concrete and useful.

Finally, their last two sections on family forgiveness and family are so needed today, especially in these challenging times of COVID and the new normal. They made me reflect on how I can keep my family whole.

Angela and Shannon, thank you for making such an important contribution to this area of conflict management. I believe a book is only good if I put into practice what I learned. That’s why I started my foreword with the Chinese Proverb by Confucius:

What I hear, I forget

What I see, I remember

What I do becomes a part of me

So, make effective conflict management a part of your life by practicing these principles!

John Ng, Ph.D.

Chief Passionary Officer

Meta Consulting

Author of the best-selling book Smiling Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Managing Conflict @ Work and Home

Preface

As a mediator and teacher, I teach individuals to manage, resolve and mediate all kinds of conflicts. Many of these are family conflict cases including divorce, custody and child support. Whether or not a conflict directly involves a family, one thing is clear: Our families of origin have impacted how we understand conflict, how we react to conflict and ultimately how we manage conflict.

This book is about opening our understanding of the nature and anatomy of family dynamics. This is not only an invaluable exercise in understanding how we manage conflicts within our own families, but a step toward recognizing that others have their own way of handling conflicts too —not always wrong—just different from ours.

Such an understanding will go a long way in equipping oneself in the effective use of tools and techniques of conflict resolution. These tools and techniques can be learned by anyone willing to live a more peaceful life. This book is a consolidation of many years in the legal and dispute resolution field, as well as my own life experiences.

Whether you are a student using this book as a resource or someone who has faced a fair amount of conflict in life, this book will be a valuable guide because we all began life’s journey in a family.

Angela Mitakidis

This book began when my co-author was discussing a need for one single textbook for her class on the dynamics of family conflict. In her search for reading materials for her course, she had to acquire a number of resources to cover both academic and practical application material on the specific topics she desired to impart to her students.

Our collaboration came out of a dear friendship when she asked me a simple question: How do you handle being angry with someone you must stay in a relationship with? At the time she posed the question, neither of us knew that it would lead to this partnership—a partnership that resulted in fulfilling a need neither of us realized existed. Our hope is to use our combined knowledge and experience to help families in conflict—and those that serve and minister to them—weather storms and come out stronger on the other side.

Shannon R. Brown

Acknowledgements

While there are many, many people involved in the production of this book, there are a few we would like to thank individually.

It is with deepest gratitude that we thank Dr. John Ng for his wisdom, encouragement and agreeing to write the foreword for our book. Thank you for blazing the trail in this peacemaking business we all inhabit. You have improved the lives of so many through your work, including ours. We know, without a doubt, that without your work, ours would not exist.

We would also like to thank the many colleagues and professionals that agreed to read our book providing valuable feedback and, in some cases, the endorsements you will find on the back cover of our book. Thanks for this assistance goes to Professor Joey Cope, Mun Loon Lai, Loong Seng Onn, Judge Andrea Plumlee, Dr. John Potter and Dr. Dewey Wilson. Your encouragement and support have been invaluable.

Thanks also goes to our beta readers—the entirety of the SMU Fall 2018 Family Conflict class with special thanks to Supritha Arsikere, Lara Bailey, Stan Heston, Chante Little, Cailtin Robb and Elizabeth Cuevan Thompson. Your feedback throughout the semester and your detailed notes on the book survey was invaluable in helping us improve and expand upon our material. As the first readers of our full manuscript you will always have a special place in our hearts.

Additionally, we would like to thank Jessica Lunce. Thank you for all of your support, encouragement and early editing help. You have been with this project from its inception and a valuable sounding board.

Finally, to our editor Lisa Best. Your tireless efforts to refine and improve this book were invaluable. Thank you for your expertise, insightful questions and helping us get this project across the finish line.

Angela and Shannon

To my sidekick, best friend, and love of my life, Mike. Thank you doesn’t begin to express my gratitude for being with me every step of the way on this life journey we embarked on together 30 years ago. You and I, what a ride, what an adventure. Thank you for the love and laughter you continue to pour into our marriage and family. To my darlings, Keziah and Matthew, you have been so gracious to me as we have navigated this parenting thing! You are my pride and joy and I love you fiercely. To my co-author and friend, Shannon, thank you for the endless hours of writing and championing our work to its final completion. Finally, to my Lord and Savior, who gave me the passion, drive, and opportunities to pursue my dreams.

Angela

I absolutely could not have collaborated on this book without the support and assistance of my family and my friends. There are not enough words to express my gratitude to those that have come alongside me during my lifetime. Some have been here for a season, others a lifetime.